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I avoid family gatherings whenever I can, and my mother used to complain about how she would be the only one who showed up for them because my father and I wouldn’t go. But back in July, my mom got into a big argument with one of my cousins who I don’t really associate with. She felt like some of her other relatives took my cousin’s side, so she got mad at everyone and stopped associating with her family as much as she used to.
So now the sister of my cousin that my mom now hates is throwing a party and she invited me to come. I get along fine with this particular cousin and I hardly ever see her anyway, so I thought it would be nice for me to accept her invitation and go to her party. But according to my mom, I’m not being loyal to her by going to this party since she feels like everyone is against her so I shouldn’t associate with them either. How dumb is that? Yes, my cousin that she hates will be there, and I don’t plan on talking to her much anyway since we’ve never been close, but I don’t see why I have to be mad at people just because my mom is mad at people. My cousin who’s throwing the party and I weren’t even there when this big argument occurred, so why should we have beef with each other? I understand that my mom was very hurt after the argument, but I think she’s being unreasonable to expect me to completely stop associating with people over it. Am I wrong? My cousin has always been nice to me and since I usually don’t go to her events, I thought I would try to show up for this one at least. Afterwards, I probably won’t see her again until someone’s funeral.
Here's the upside, IMHO, of conflicts like these: they promote the creation of new traditions, and hasten the demise of old, stale ones long past their natural expiration dates.
I avoid family gatherings whenever I can, and my mother used to complain about how she would be the only one who showed up for them because my father and I wouldn’t go. But back in July, my mom got into a big argument with one of my cousins who I don’t really associate with. She felt like some of her other relatives took my cousin’s side, so she got mad at everyone and stopped associating with her family as much as she used to.
So now the sister of my cousin that my mom now hates is throwing a party and she invited me to come. I get along fine with this particular cousin and I hardly ever see her anyway, so I thought it would be nice for me to accept her invitation and go to her party. But according to my mom, I’m not being loyal to her by going to this party since she feels like everyone is against her so I shouldn’t associate with them either. How dumb is that? Yes, my cousin that she hates will be there, and I don’t plan on talking to her much anyway since we’ve never been close, but I don’t see why I have to be mad at people just because my mom is mad at people. My cousin who’s throwing the party and I weren’t even there when this big argument occurred, so why should we have beef with each other? I understand that my mom was very hurt after the argument, but I think she’s being unreasonable to expect me to completely stop associating with people over it. Am I wrong? My cousin has always been nice to me and since I usually don’t go to her events, I thought I would try to show up for this one at least. Afterwards, I probably won’t see her again until someone’s funeral.
The bold: your timing is suspicious. Why the sudden interest, and why bother since you've already decided you won't see her again? It comes off as you trying to stir the pot and/or purposely annoy your mom.
The bold: your timing is suspicious. Why the sudden interest, and why bother since you've already decided you won't see her again? It comes off as you trying to stir the pot and/or purposely annoy your mom.
Nope, it’s definitely not that. My cousin has hosted a few holiday gatherings at her house and I missed all of those. This time she’s throwing a birthday party for herself, so I thought I’d try to make it. It’s not like I’m DYING to go, but I just don’t want her to feel like I’m going to reject her invitation on everything and I’d rather go to this than the holiday gatherings.
Nope, it’s definitely not that. My cousin has hosted a few holiday gatherings at her house and I missed all of those. This time she’s throwing a birthday party for herself, so I thought I’d try to make it. It’s not like I’m DYING to go, but I just don’t want her to feel like I’m going to reject her invitation on everything and I’d rather go to this than the holiday gatherings.
You didn't miss those gatherings. You avoided them as stated in your first post. You said your mom complained that you and your dad wouldn't go to family gatherings. So what is she supposed to think about you suddenly wanting to go to a family gathering?
You didn't miss those gatherings. You avoided them as stated in your first post. You said your mom complained that you and your dad wouldn't go to family gatherings. So what is she supposed to think about you suddenly wanting to go to a family gathering?
She should think that it’s nice that I’m finally making an effort to go to one. Her arguments with people don’t have anything to do with me, and I don’t appreciate the guilt trip.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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If your mother had a falling out, the family is trying to reconnect, she's ignoring them, AND insisting you disassociate, too; that is an issue.
However, if that isn't the case and you aren't close to the family anyway, why go?
Does your mother have a history of manipulating and controlling you? Are you sure your cousin didn't invite you simply to get back at your mother? Was your mother also invited?
She should think that it’s nice that I’m finally making an effort to go to one. Her arguments with people don’t have anything to do with me, and I don’t appreciate the guilt trip.
I think it's best to appear neutral. Choosing to go now when you avoided going before is not a neutral move. You could avoid this one like all the others and just send a gift. Wait and see if it blows over.
Stick with your decision otherwise your Mom knows she can manipulate you in family matters. Short term: conflict, long term: peace of mind.
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Yes, my cousin that she hates will be there, and I don’t plan on talking to her much anyway since we’ve never been close, but I don’t see why I have to be mad at people just because my mom is mad at people. My cousin who’s throwing the party and I weren’t even there when this big argument occurred, so why should we have beef with each other? I understand that my mom was very hurt after the argument, but I think she’s being unreasonable to expect me to completely stop associating with people over it. Am I wrong? My cousin has always been nice to me and since I usually don’t go to her events, I thought I would try to show up for this one at least. Afterwards, I probably won’t see her again until someone’s funeral.
