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I guess I have a different opinion on what's extremely disrespectful. This rates a 4-5 on the teenage Richter scale.
Obviously. You and all those parents who think they can be "friends" with their kids and still be able to to exert their authority as the adult in a parent-child conflict.
Kids today are pulling nonsense and copping attitudes with their parents (and other adults) that I would never have dared to when I was a kid. I cringe to think of the possible consequences had I mouthed off to my dad rhe way OP's daughter is doing to him. My dad busted his ass in night school while working 40 per week in order to get his engineering degree so he would be eligible for more money and a higher position than he would have gotten with his Associate degree. It wasn't until years later that I found out he was making close to 6 figures, because you'd never know it from the frugal lifestyle we lived. My parents were both born at the tail-end of the Depression, and lived through the shortages of WWII, and my mother was raised "on aid" because my grandmother was widowed in 1942. If I had thrown a tantrum about not having this or not expensive thing I would have been setting myself up for quite the lecture.
Ken, you are making a mistake feeling that you are not being the best possible parent. I will not take any cheap shots here, only to say that her Samsung argument is simply absurd. The best gift that any parent can give is to instill the values of sharing and sacrifice. Make it clear that her attempts to guilt trip you will not be successful ... time for her to show some maturity.
I think family counseling is in order, but if that isn't going to happen, OP has to stand up to one of them and that be the end of it. There is no way to make everyone happy. We also had some weird dynamics growing up and at the end of it, my Dad would end it by getting me what I wanted. Not everything, but some things. I can't say if that was good or bad. My SM had some weird rules. They might have been fine rules, but they were new to me and I didn't understand them. I was told often when it was too late to do right. Like 'NO, you cannot have another package of paper, I see that you've been writing notes to your friends with them.' Well, I didn't know that was a thing. I just needed paper for school. My Dad would hear us arguing and go out and buy paper. Let my SM hold onto her precious stash she had purchased for the year, give me my paper, and have peace. There were other more expensive things too.
So maybe just buy the damn phone however you have to, tell your wife to live with it, and THEN have the talk with daughter that it can't always work this way. The entire household cannot ever be in this condition again over something she wants. She will need to work summers and save for things from now on. Do not cheat the youngest. Suck it up.
OR suck it up the other way. Apologize, but explain that good money management is not a 24 month plan on this sort of item. It will have to come in March. Or even in the summer when she can work for at least half of the cost. It's a good lesson in reality with money for her. Talk though with her what to tell her friends. Another teachable moment.
One or the other. I don't see a third way. But I wish you'd get into family therapy. I wish my family had instead of having the dynamics we did, which damaged me and my sisters. I guess my Dad did the best he could with a blended family, but being caught between parents this way is extraordinarily hard on kids. They need you both for their literal survival!
They are learning unhealthy patterns regarding how to survive. One is manipulating, another is sacrificing too much,,,,,,,,,,,,I know you say the oldest is great in other ways and I believe you, but the begging for three years and the tantrums over this one thing are manipulative. Playing on your sympathies.
That's a good idea. The techie people are the ones most likely to know where the best place to get a phone is.
Here's why I think the OP is here. He wants to think people will side with him against his wife. Techie advice would likely not include stroking his ego.
OP, I personally think that this thread says so much more about your issues than your daughter's.
I believe that in this situation, your wife is reacting responsibly, and you are reacting like a parent that is seeking approval from a child that seems to be coming from the angle of emotional blackmail.
She has your number, she knows that you aren't the strongest parent in her household, and like many teens she is milking it for all it's worth.
What I find really disturbing is that you seem consistently willing to throw your wife under the bus in the face of this child's demands.
A few posters have called you on this....a few have recognized the error of your parenting from a place of emotional weakness. Not because you are a bad person, but many of us have already raised teens and we know how your emotional reaction is feeding this situation. We also recognize the signs of what will come if you don't stop this extreme indulging your ungrateful child.
None of us want you to disappoint your child, but the reality is that you mentioned early on that your whole Christmas budget for the whole family was not even equal to the cost of this phone.
Your job as a parent is to raise a child who can withstand real life situations when she comes of age. A child who is prepared and can make adjustments and personal sacrifices and recognize when she has to.
Personally, I don't see anyway for you to save face about the promise, you have got to come to grips with that, and that is your issue. You and your wife need to get on the same page regarding parenting and if that involves disappointing your teen, so be it. You are responsible for allowing this teen to continue to undermine your relationship with your wife....you are enabling it.
This has you in a lose, lose situation of your own doing. Now you need to be about damage control.
Sit down with your wife. Level with her about why this is so emotionally important to you.
Apologize for making her the bad guy. You have to diffuse this unhealthy competition between your wife, and your daughter.
You have put your wife in an untenable situation by undermining her as a parent. Make this right and together make a plan.
Then, together talk to your teen and model for your child that when you make a mistake you own up and look for solutions. You and your wife help her plan how she can work to acquire this coveted phone by her own actions. You would be doing her a huge favor because she will need this skill as an adult.
Many of us have suggested that your teen do chores, or something to earn the ongoing expenses for this phone. That is the only thing I would even consider if this was my child after what you have described her tantrums and hateful behavior is.
You might start an account with her fair share of your actual Christmas budget. Sit with her and research her options for this or a similar phone.
There is an old saying that the best thing that you can ever do for your children is to love their mother.
And, hug that very precious 11 year old....
Last edited by JanND; 12-19-2017 at 04:52 AM..
Reason: edit text
I could never fathom hurting my children in any way. I am completely against physically and emotionally hurting a child as it will leave them with longitudinal scars that are extremely difficult to overcome. My father was particularly harsh towards my younger sister while we were growing up, emotionally and physically, and to this day she still remembers it as if it took place yesterday. It's also created a distance relationship between her and our dad. Childhood scars run deep and I'd never be able to forgive myself if I lay as much as a finger on my daughters. Hurting somebody in any way isn't okay.
Bingo. This explains a lot. This is likely why you are trying so extremely hard to do everything you can to keep your daughter happy.
You cannot undo what your father did. But, recognizing how it has affected you as a parent would go a long way towards helping you cope more effectively going forward.
Here's why I think the OP is here. He wants to think people will side with him against his wife. Techie advice would likely not include stroking his ego.
OP, I personally think that this thread says so much more about your issues than your daughter's.
I believe that in this situation, your wife is reacting responsibly, and you are reacting like a parent that is seeking approval from a child that seems to be coming from the angle of emotional blackmail.
She has your number, she knows that you aren't the strongest parent in her household, and like many teens she is milking it for all it's worth.
What I find really disturbing is that you seem consistently willing to throw your wife under the bus in the face of this child's demands.
A few posters have called you on this....a few have recognized the error of your parenting from a place of emotional weakness. Not because you are a bad person, but many of us have already raised teens and we know how your emotional reaction is feeding this situation. We also recognize the signs of what will come if you don't stop this extreme indulging your ungrateful child.
None of us want you to disappoint your child, but the reality is that you mentioned early on that your whole Christmas budget for the whole family was not even equal to the cost of this phone.
Your job as a parent is to raise a child who can withstand real life situations when she comes of age. A child who is prepared and can make adjustments and personal sacrifices and recognize when she has to.
Personally, I don't see anyway for you to save face about the promise, you have got to come to grips with that, and that is your issue. You and your wife need to get on the same page regarding parenting and if that involves disappointing your teen, so be it. You are responsible for allowing this teen to continue to undermine your relationship with your wife....you are enabling it.
This has you in a lose, lose situation of your own doing. Now you need to be about damage control.
Sit down with your wife. Level with her about why this is so emotionally important to you.
Apologize for making her the bad guy. You have to diffuse this unhealthy competition between your wife, and your daughter.
You have put your wife in an untenable situation by undermining her as a parent. Make this right and together make a plan.
Then, together talk to your teen and model for your child that when you make a mistake you own up and look for solutions. You and your wife help her plan how she can work to acquire this coveted phone by her own actions. You would be doing her a huge favor because she will need this skill as an adult.
Many of us have suggested that your teen do chores, or something to earn the ongoing expenses for this phone. That is the only thing I would even consider if this was my child after what you have described her tantrums and hateful behavior is.
You might start an account with her fair share of your actual Christmas budget. Sit with her and research her options for this or a similar phone.
There is an old saying that the best thing that you can ever do for your children is to love their mother.
And, hug that very precious 11 year old....
^^I sure hope OP reads this and takes the advice^^
Are people ^^^^ actually advocating that the OP disregard the wishes of his partner to please his kid?
Apologize to his wife? Get the heck outta here. You do realize the damage that this will do to the family dynamic?
I think the person above had a step-parent as a teen. She's still a little bitter over the paper that her step-mom wouldn't let her waste. Sounds petty of the step-mom to argue over paper, but then, you never know if it came out of another issue. I'm sure my step-daughter will forever remember that I stopped buying snacks because they would constantly take the whole bag and eat it in their room then leave it on the floor. To her, that's normal behavior because her mom does it. So I'm the jerk in the situation. Step-parenting is an entirely different dynamic. Daddy now buys them stuff and enjoys arguing about food in bedrooms. If I were the bio-mom and the only mom, I'd lay down the law. But I'm not.
So I can see jencam's perspective, sort of. I would just say, a mom ain't a step-mom and the way you can dismiss your kids' step-parent is not going to work with a life partner who is also the kids' life mom!
OP needs to stop trying to please a teenager and make her smile and accept that he's not going to come close to making everyone happy in this situation. He needs to accept that a teenager is irrationally angry with him, a second child is irrationally taking the blame on herself, and his wife is justifiably angry at him for not accepting his role as a parent and taking the teen's ire.
They're all already mad at him. Time to get the tantrum over with and move on.
This. Call me a sceptic but I have doubts that this thread is genuine.
No, he has 2 daughters, 11 and 16. He promised a phone to the 16 yo since she was 13 to be given when she turned 16.
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Newest Iphone for Daughter for Christmas
