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I'm 32 and having constant problems with my narcissistic mother since my childhood.
She was always a very controlling, negative and critical person. Someone who only sees the bad things in people. But then helping, if you are in trouble.
I think, she was abused as a child. I'm not sure, as she never talked about it directly, but she hates talking about her dad. When I ask about my grandfather, she never continues this topic, just skips it. She has talked about the trauma in the childhood, but has never said anything precisely.She also has problems with sex, which I learned from the scandals she had with my father.
We were living 6 years apart from my father, because of their separation. At that time we lived with my grandmother. When I was at school (before I was 15) she told me what clothes to wear, which hairstyle to make. When I was 16 she and my dad decided to move in together again.
My dad had to leave his lover, whom he loved, which was traumatic for him, so he started drinking. Although my parents moved in together, it was rather the pressure from my mum's side, so he was not happy about this decision, and he is still drinking on a daily basis.
At that time there was a conflict time in my family. My parents quarreled every day. And they both often screamed at me without any reason. My mum told me one day (I was 17) that I'm fat. And I was 110 lbs (I'm 5,4 feet tall). I understood it was absurd what she said, but then she kept repeating it every day, so somehow she convinced me. So I started dieting till I was skinny, and then I realized, while talking to my friends, that she lied to me. Maybe because of jealousy. So I started gaining weight again, till I was 110 lbs again. Afterwards my mum started somehow to belittle me, like saying that I could be taller, or looking brighter (I am an attractive girl), or having a bigger breast (I have size B). She often interrupted me while we were receiving guests, not letting me talk. Just saying while I was talking: "Stop saying these stupid things, and then talking herself most of the time.
At some point I realized that she was not my friend. I was financially dependent on my parents till I was 25, and then I moved abroad to do my Master's degree and stayed there. I asked her for financial help. She gave me a rather big sum of money which I haven't returned yet.
Then I started dating one guy, and we moved in together. As me and my mum lived in different countries, I almost cut the contact completely. I didn't want to hear any criticism or jealous stuff. After 2 years of living with the guy I understood that he was doing criminal things. I moved away from him, and it was a difficult time for me, as I refused of his help. And couldn't find a good job. So I called my mum. She criticized me harshly, but then started supporting me financially for the next 6 months.
Then I got married. I was married for 5 years.There was a period of more than a year when I didn't talk to my mum. But then my ex-husband became emotionally violent, so I wanted to leave him, but he wouldn't let me go.
I was alone in this country, with a child. So I called my mum and asked her to come. She came to me, and helped me by talking to my ex, persuading him into letting me go and staying on friendly terms with me. So I left him, found a flat where I live with my son, and then I talked to her on the phone from time to time.
But it's always stressful. She gives me tips,belittles me, tells me that my behavior was wrong when I tell her about some recent news. And I'm always the one to blame, when she talks. As if it's only my fault in all life situations.
Now she's booked a flight to come to me for a week. But she told me about it after booking it. And now I'm renting one room in my 2-room apartment. She didn't know about that. And my last conversation with her was a mess. She told me that I can't do anything right. Criticized that I broke the relationship with my last boyfriend (she liked him). And I ended the conversation, blocked her from WhatsApp and all the social media. But before doing that, I wrote to her that she shouldn't come. She is not welcome. And there'll be no friendship between us.
Now there's my father calling, begging me to let her come. As she comes not to me, but to my son, her grandson, whom she loves (that's true, she really loves him) and who has a birthday at that time.
What should I do? I told her she has a narcissistic personality which she has to change and treat me with respect. But she doesn't hear me. Every time I ask for understanding and respect, she just laughs and tells me I don't have it either.
I don't want her to come. But she's packing her staff. Should I just not let her in? Or will that be too much? Should I have any contact with her in future at all?
That's the problem. There's no place to stay for her here. Only at my place. And if she comes I can't just keep her waiting in front of my door. I wouldn't call the police of course.
But if she comes, she'll ignore me and talk to my son only. She did it last time. Didn't even say "Hi" or looked at me. She was completely ignoring me, as if she's there only for my son. Not even answering my questions. That's how she shows me that she is offended. And I don't wanna deal with that ...
It sounds like you need help or counseling because you are part of the negative cycle. You use her when you need her, dump her when you don't. That's just emotionally very cruel and confusing AND I am not giving your mother a pass here either. I'd also stop with the "poor daddy" crap, "My dad had to leave his lover, whom he loved, which was traumatic for him" talk about NO empathy for a wife whose husband cheated on her.
"I think, she was abused as a child. I'm not sure, as she never talked about it directly, but she hates talking about her dad. When I ask about my grandfather, she never continues this topic, just skips it. She has talked about the trauma in the childhood, but has never said anything precisely." SOme people don't want to talk about trauma, not a sin on her part.
" She also has problems with sex, which I learned from the scandals she had with my father." WHo told you this? This seems like malicious and cruel gossip
"She gives me tips,belittles me, tells me that my behavior was wrong when I tell her about some recent news. And I'm always the one to blame, when she talks. As if it's only my fault in all life situations."
You need to learn how to shut this down by stating clearly that you find the criticism and belittling abusive and it needs to stop or you will get off the phone. You also need to stop calling her when you need her to get you out of an jam, this is codependent and and unhealthy toxic cycle.
I really feel you should seek professional counseling. Telling your mother she is a narcissist isn't going to change a darned thing, it's YOU that needs to change, it's you that needs to set boundaries. If there is no room at the house then clearly state that and give a list of local motel or hotel's she can call.
I think you mom is frustrated with you. Where's her daughter? She responds when you hold out your hand, she's being a mother it seems to me. She may have some quirks and may be over bearing but she may see it as her duty to be a pain to you at times. She may be unrealistic in ways and not really know it I can't tell for sure but the one thing you have to focus on is there's a lot of daughters out there that could only dream of having your mother.
I remember I used to have great wishes (plans) for my daughters. I wanted them to have perfect lives all the things they should have according to ME. The key words here are I and ME. Reality soon taught me that what i wanted may not be what THEY INTENDED TO DO OR EVEN CARED FOR. Looking back I can see they have listened to me but in the end did what they thought best. The ultimate decision was theirs. I could only do what a father should do. Be there if they ever needed me.
I'm a father. Not a mother. I do see something similar in my girls/daughters relationship with their mother. They squabble a lot about a wide range of things. Their mother can be relentless too. I can't say anything bad about her mothering skills, she was superb and we were very lucky to have her.
I think you have an old fashion mother. I think you're of the Asian persuasion also so family traditions play a role. My wife was old world and SHE ruled the household. My daighters called her the Stalinista. I think you have a mother who is a good mother just a little rough around the edges. She needs to know you have your own life and you need set boundaries with her but remember she wants to be your mother too. She may know nothing else. Don't push her away, tell her you love her but that you have your own life.
If she tells you you have no respect for her ask yourself if you do. Do you? What I'm seeing is someone who loves another but gets nothing back. I think you may be failing your mother. She needs to know you love her.
Now she's booked a flight to come to me for a week. But she told me about it after booking it. And now I'm renting one room in my 2-room apartment. She didn't know about that. And my last conversation with her was a mess. She told me that I can't do anything right. Criticized that I broke the relationship with my last boyfriend (she liked him). And I ended the conversation, blocked her from WhatsApp and all the social media. But before doing that, I wrote to her that she shouldn't come. She is not welcome. And there'll be no friendship between us.
Now there's my father calling, begging me to let her come. As she comes not to me, but to my son, her grandson, whom she loves (that's true, she really loves him) and who has a birthday at that time.
What should I do? I told her she has a narcissistic personality which she has to change and treat me with respect. But she doesn't hear me. Every time I ask for understanding and respect, she just laughs and tells me I don't have it either.
I don't want her to come. But she's packing her staff. Should I just not let her in? Or will that be too much? Should I have any contact with her in future at all?
Thanks in advance
Mom is right when she says you don't have understanding and respect.
What's the deal with the (as the PP calls it) "Poor Daddy crap"-- you should be looking at it with the understanding that they're BOTH very dysfunctional. You haven't learned how to effectively handle the dysfunction of your mother and you have weak boundaries. Counseling sessions will help with that.
It sounds like at least the relationship with gradson is loving. Tell your parents, hotels is the only as you have no room.
Then I started dating one guy, and we moved in together. As me and my mum lived in different countries, I almost cut the contact completely. I didn't want to hear any criticism or jealous stuff. After 2 years of living with the guy I understood that he was doing criminal things. I moved away from him, and it was a difficult time for me, as I refused of his help. And couldn't find a good job. So I called my mum. She criticized me harshly, but then started supporting me financially for the next 6 months.
Then I got married. I was married for 5 years.There was a period of more than a year when I didn't talk to my mum. But then my ex-husband became emotionally violent, so I wanted to leave him, but he wouldn't let me go.
I was alone in this country, with a child. So I called my mum and asked her to come. She came to me, and helped me by talking to my ex, persuading him into letting me go and staying on friendly terms with me. So I left him, found a flat where I live with my son, and then I talked to her on the phone from time to time.
But it's always stressful. She gives me tips,belittles me, tells me that my behavior was wrong when I tell her about some recent news. And I'm always the one to blame, when she talks. As if it's only my fault in all life situations.
Is it not your fault? Of course it is, we are the product of the sum of all the decisions we have made. You made some [very] poor decisions, and you must learn to understand that the consequences you face are the result of the decisions that you made.
All decisions and actions have consequences, even decisions not to act. Those consequences may be good, or they may be bad...and, sometimes, consequences that appear one way initially may prove differently later on.
I used to get angry and depressed when 'bad' things happened to me, especially when they occurred through no fault of my own due to circumstances that I could not control. My negative attitude often got in the way of solving whatever problem had arisen. Then, one day a man said something to me that completely changed my attitude and improved my life immeasurably, he said:
Quote:
It's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it that matters.
It took some time for this to sink in, but once it did, I realized that it was totally correct.
You cannot change what has already occurred, you can only control your own actions/reactions and response to whatever has occurred...and when an occurrence is a direct result of a decision you have made, you need to be able to analyze and accept what your own responsibility is for the situation, and then determine how you can best act to improve the situation/solve the problem.
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