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Finally, I am also pretty religious and I have been taught to forgive. I feel like I have done it multiple times with him and I have just reached my limit, but I want to do the right thing here.
Thanks a lot for your help.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to keep that person in your life. Of course, some religious people will tell you that you have to take the person back into your life, no matter what. But they are wrong. You don't have to take someone back. If this person is toxic to you, keeping him around will poison your life. Let him go.
It's hard to accept, or even recognize sometimes, when a relationship is changing. It seems that your good friend has a "significant other" now, and that relationship takes priority in his life. I would guess that he is so emotionally involved with her now that he doesn't recognize that his old group misses him, or that his actions have been perceived as inconsiderate.
Try to understand and forgive him. After all, pairing off is a natural course of events for young adults. If you refrain from bitterness and let him know he is welcome, he might be more receptive as the newness of his love life wears off. In any case, you experience more changes in your friendships as you all pursue your various lives. Lots changes from 30 to 40!
Why is someone 'whipped' if they get into a relationship and make that person their priority?
I personally hate the phrase PW'ed. My husband's high school friends tried to use it on him when we first started dating. But he told me that he was growing past those guys before we met, I just gave the guys a target to "blame". What he didn't do was plan on seeing them, then using me as an excuse to bail. He just stopped being available.
I think in the OP's case it's more because he's being flaky. Inviting your buddies over then texting them when they're already on their way that she wants to do something else so you're bailing on the guys is rude, plain and simple. If the friend is going to be that unreliable, it goes beyond simply being in an exciting relationship and putting your partner first. In that case, the friend shouldn't be making the plans at all. Not making them then breaking them whenever she wants him to do something else.
It is possible that the friend is lying when he says the girlfriend is picking another activity. He could be using her as an excuse, because he doesn't want to tell his old friends that he isn't that interested in hanging out with them anymore.
These types of situations are hard because when you do openly air your feelings of anger/hurt, however justified they are, you usually end up pushing the person away further. Nobody wants to feel guilty, no one wants to deal with tension and drama in a friendship.
OP, you say you've brought up your grievances a couple times already now. Only revisit that if you don't feel that you've expressed yourself clearly or strongly enough yet. If that's the case, you could try once again in the most straightforward, non-melodramatic way possible, with the hopes of opening up a dialogue.
Maybe a text or email along the lines of, "Hey, I know things have changed b/c of your relationship and I accept that but it's lately been tough for me to make any plans involving you because you so often end up flaking. If you think there's better ways for us to handle this than to just bail on the friendship, let's talk about it."
If he's not willing to engage with something like that, or if he just gives you a shallow convo with no improvement in behavior, then at least you will know for sure that the friendship is going nowhere.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.You need to understand that it's not anything that you've done.He is allowing his relationship to dictate how he is reacting with you and that's not cool.He doesn't have a healthy balance between your friendship and his relationship and that is sad ESPECIALLY since he has known you a lot longer then his 'relationship'.What you need to do...you have already done and he STILL isn't respecting you.You have already told him how he's treating you isn't cool..he's stated that he knows his actions hasn't been cool YET he is STILL doing it.
Trust me on this when I say that IF he breaks up with his gf...he would be right back to the old friend of yours BUT you don't want any part of that because he would just go back to being inconsiderate again once he gets into another relationship.Some people are like that..it's very rude and inconsiderate.Let him go.He's a lost cause because he chooses to be inconsiderate...that is always a choice...not a way someone is born.I too believe in forgiveness BUT don't expect to forgive the person and that person all of a sudden comes to their senses...nope it will NOT happen.Forgive him and move on...meaning end the friendship.If he asks you...then tell him that you had had enough being treated that way.It's not cool. People who have always had a healthy balance with their friendships and relationships don't have this problem because they fully understand how important both things are and there should be a healthy balance.
Why is someone 'whipped' if they get into a relationship and make that person their priority?
Because Healthy Relationships involve,include friends, relatives and Social Groups. NOT the exclusions of, Which "whipped" relationships tend to mandate.
A balanced relationship/lifestyle would invest in a well rounded circle of associates/friends/family.
Cut your friend loose. No longer reach out. However, don't forget the good times. If he contacts you to re-initiate the friendship, give him the benefit of the doubt.
I just cracked a fortune cookie to eat with my morning tea and the fortune read " The only way to have a friend is to be one." Do you want the lucky numbers too? 9 10 35 6 34 15.
Maybe one should ask How can I be a friend? That question goes both ways. Your friend may have found his future wife and soul mate. He needs time and space to develop this relationship. You're feeling left out, and rightfully so. It's confusing when you're used to being with a person who is a certain way, and then, they change. Your friend is not living up to what you need him to be for you. So what do we do about it?
Do we allow him space to grow with a reminder that he's not living up to your definition of what a friend should be? It seems you've already done that with your "I've told him numerous times that he's acting like a....." So he understands your frustration but is not doing anything about it. I'm sure that's very hurtful.
On the other hand do you expect everything to stay the same? Wives come along, children come along and those are new priorities. The frat house days are over. These friendship evolve with every new step in life. We either adjust or get left behind. I can't tell you how many times I've had friends cancel on me at the last minute through out the years. It doesn't mean that I don't want them in my life, it just means that I deal with them in a different way. If you do it one too many times, I don't make plans with you. If you call me on a spontaneous whim to do something and I'm available, sure I'll go. Those are often very fun times. I will still text you from time to time to see how you are.
I'm going through that with one of my best friends now. She even forgot my birthday. I'm not going to kick her to the curb because she needs some space. She's going through some hard times right now and I can do little to help her. She too has canceled at least three of our plans to get together, and I haven't seen her in almost a year now. Okay. Call me when you're ready. Her problems don't operate on my time line.
Friendships ebb and flow and require give and take and don't often fit rigid definitions. If you expect people to fit your needs, then you will be very lonely.
I just cracked a fortune cookie to eat with my morning tea and the fortune read " The only way to have a friend is to be one." Do you want the lucky numbers too? 9 10 35 6 34 15.
Maybe one should ask How can I be a friend? That question goes both ways. Your friend may have found his future wife and soul mate. He needs time and space to develop this relationship. You're feeling left out, and rightfully so. It's confusing when you're used to being with a person who is a certain way, and then, they change. Your friend is not living up to what you need him to be for you. So what do we do about it?
Do we allow him space to grow with a reminder that he's not living up to your definition of what a friend should be? It seems you've already done that with your "I've told him numerous times that he's acting like a....." So he understands your frustration but is not doing anything about it. I'm sure that's very hurtful.
On the other hand do you expect everything to stay the same? Wives come along, children come along and those are new priorities. The frat house days are over. These friendship evolve with every new step in life. We either adjust or get left behind. I can't tell you how many times I've had friends cancel on me at the last minute through out the years. It doesn't mean that I don't want them in my life, it just means that I deal with them in a different way. If you do it one too many times, I don't make plans with you. If you call me on a spontaneous whim to do something and I'm available, sure I'll go. Those are often very fun times. I will still text you from time to time to see how you are.
I'm going through that with one of my best friends now. She even forgot my birthday. I'm not going to kick her to the curb because she needs some space. She's going through some hard times right now and I can do little to help her. She too has canceled at least three of our plans to get together, and I haven't seen her in almost a year now. Okay. Call me when you're ready. Her problems don't operate on my time line.
Friendships ebb and flow and require give and take and don't often fit rigid definitions. If you expect people to fit your needs, then you will be very lonely.
PS: Acquaintances can become friends too.
This is such great advice. I have a similar situation with a lifelong friend. We don’t see each other very often anymore, maybe twice a year, and even less since her husband’s death. We had been drifting apart for years. I don’t hold it against her. It saddens me that we aren’t as close as we used to be, but I’ve accepted that life takes people in different directions. I’ll always make time for her if she wants to get together. We always have a good time when we do get together. If she drifts away altogether, I would let her go with love and not hold it against her. I suspect being around other still married women is very painful for her. Everyone processes the death of a loved one differently, and I love her enough to let her go if that’s what she needs. Of course I’ll miss her and it will make me sad, but I would never confront her about it. I would just accept it. I will always think of her fondly. There’s a saying that I really believe in: “Friends enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I always thought my friendship with this person would last a lifetime. It may yet last, but right now we’re at a low ebb. Things may change down the road, so I’m leaving the door open in case things change. If I confront her that will create bad feelings and I don’t want to leave our friendship in that state.
Sometimes friends can’t make the transition with you through life’s major events. When you leave high school, you lose friends (a concept I’m trying to explain to my high school senior daughter). You lose friends after college, you lose them again when you get married, and again after you have kids. You lose friends (or push them away) after the death of a spouse. I imagine one would also lose friends when their health starts declining and they can’t keep up with their healthier or more physically active peers, or vice versa. Friends aren’t always in the same place as we are and those life transitions can be difficult for one or both people to navigate and still maintain the friendship.
Because Healthy Relationships involve,include friends, relatives and Social Groups. NOT the exclusions of, Which "whipped" relationships tend to mandate.
A balanced relationship/lifestyle would invest in a well rounded circle of associates/friends/family.
I agree 100% with that statment!!! Thank god there are people who can see this clearly!
Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of people who just don't get that OR want to get that.I don't know how hard it can be to make plans with your spouse AND your friends...not at the same time but separate at times...Also I don't understand what someone who is in a relationship who has made plans with a friend doesn't want to get that it is very rude and insulting to just cancel at the last minute ONLY because their spouse wants to do something that same day or time.Gee one would think that that would be rude...so why not say "sorry..I've already made plans with my friend...lets do this tomorrow".IF you are in a healthy relationship with someone...that someone would understand.But like someone says sometimes the person is using the spouse as an excuse to not hang out anymore.Then if that is the case..then you don't need people like that in your life.
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Thank god there are people who can see this clearly!
