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I dont want to be unhappy and bitter, I really dont. But I think life has gotten to me a bit lately. Working full time, commute is about an hour each way, I work from home once or twice a week but boss doesnt like it. DH is grouchy often, kids are 2 and 3 so we all know how that is. I ALWAYS wanted kids and I'm so glad I had them. But it is HARD to do ANYthing else once you do have them. I dont know that I'd be happy if I quit my job and stayed home either and live on my DH's salary.
I'm just not happy with my life right now. I'm turning 40 in 2 months and I keep thinking about ALL the mistakes I've made over the past 20- 25 years. Wishing I'd gone to a different college, started on a different career path, chosen different friends, a different area to live in. I am not happy with who I am right now at all and I dont know what I'll ever be happy. I used to be afraid that i'd never get married or have kids. I did those things, now my worries have changed. I just have never felt fulfilled.
I do think most people feel fulfilled...i dont know why i dont. It seems like the things I want are out of my reach at this point. Feels like i'll never have the time or money to do anything. I save a lot of money because i'm terrified of having none.
First, you're in the trenches right now. Both you and your husband work and you have two kids in diapers. I know another poster said the years with toddlers were very happy for her. That's wonderful, but they were not wonderful for me. I loved my daughter, but the relentless day-in-and-day-out of work and child care were exhausting and life-sucking. So hang in there, because it does get better. Just getting your kids out of diapers will make things easier. And there were times when I feared for my marriage and thought I'd be happier single, but now that we're empty nesters, I'm happy I stuck it out. We get along better now than we ever have.
A great deal of what you're feeling may have to do with turning 40. Milestone birthdays have a way of making us step back and assess what's going on. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with, though. And it sounds like your cousin has morphed into some symbol of everything you feel like you don't have.
I sincerely hope that yous seek out an experienced therapist who can help you with this. I have gone to therapy at various points in my life and it's always been short-term but very helpful. What you're feeling isn't uncommon and there are some ways to address it.
Hope you can relax and have fun with your husband and children at Disney.
OP, is your family member(s) who keeps you apprised of what is going on with your cousin a negative/critical type who is feeding into your feelings that she is successful and you are not? That may not be the case, but a lot of my family members are that way and are always looking to report how so and so is doing in a negative, backhanded insult sort of way. I eventually had to ask my mom in particular to stop sharing these types of "updates" with me, because I just find that they put me in a negative frame of mind even though I don't really have a jealousy issue. Even if that is not the case, I agree with the posters who said quit social media if you need to (especially if you are seeing the cousin's posts through others) and ask the family member who keeps giving you updates on her to stop doing so.
I don't want to repeat all of the other advice you've already received, but I have two pre-school kids and am turning 40 this year and am constantly worn out and exhausted. Yes, there should be joyful times with raising little ones, but the day-to-day stuff can feel like a real grind when you are working full-time on top of parenting toddlers. For the record, my husband and I both have higher paying jobs but it comes with a lot of additional stress such as being expected to be available during off hours and to meet high expectations, etc., and I always feel like I'm either not doing as well as I should as a mother, or an employee, or both. I'm not saying that because I want sympathy, those are the choices we have made and we do the best we can to balance work and home, but that is the other side of the coin that some posters have mentioned, in terms of having more $ not always being as great as it may seem. Also, a lot of people I know don't really love their jobs, including myself. My family really struggled financially growing up, so I'd much rather be in my situation than that one, but unlike your cousin, I do not feel I would be happy having married rich to avoid having to work hard. I would seriously consider the advice to call your doctor if the meds you are currently taking are not working but also maybe cut yourself some slack on all of the mistakes you feel that you have made that aren't leading to feeling very fulfilled. I think a lot of people our age with little kids feel a bit ho-hum about day to day life, it is not always very exciting or the picture perfect sort of stuff you see on FB. However, the other posters who are encouraging you to try to improve your outlook for the sake of your husband and those little kids (and yourself) are right.
OP, I'm in the same camp with everyone else who suggested that you need counseling with a therapist to help you deal with your problems. Your anger and obsessions (some of which seem to be unrealistic and delusional) clearly goes beyond just being a matter of jealousy that you're focusing on one person. You have a mental illness that is eating you up and could potentially destroy you, your family, your friendships and your work life if you don't seek appropriate care. You are at risk and need one-to-one professional medical help from a therapist that neither this board nor any other online forum can provide. I wish you good luck and I hope you will have a positive recovery.
It helps to praise my sisters for their good choices rather than wish they hadn't been successful and that they should have been living a rough life full of hardship all along. I did not choose well in my life and that is why I am not successful like them.
i haven't had a chance to read everything but did want to respond to Clara's 'everyone should find the most joy in their life in their toddlers and if you don't there is something wrong with you statement.' I am aware there is something not right with me right now but it has not to do with not loving every moment of my 2 and and 4 year old. There is VERY little they can do on their own. Anytime i sit down my 2 year old is in my lap ripping open my shirt to nurse or someone is crying and there a 1000 things i need to do. They are often doing things they shouldnt be doing.
I havent slept through the night in 4 years. My husband and i dont sleep in the same bed because our kids want us in bed with them.
I am not saying i dont enjoy certain things with them. There are 1000s of things about them then make me smile and i realize these are precious years but they are HARD. Perhaps you are looking back and only remembering the good which is great.
But to say someone has an issue because they arent enjoying working full time and raising two toddlers needs to re-read what they wrote i think.
On another note a friend of mine who has twins let me know today over coffee that she has cancer. It was more bad news but sort of put things into perspective for me for a bit.
I forgot to mention one more thing that could be an issue for you at 40. Many ladies, even at that young age, are going through perimenopause, the early stages of menopause where your hormones start going a little wonky. Just one more thing to consider.
I'm sorry for throwing all this at you. Sometimes it can be several overlapping things at once that need to be untangled. Hormones are very powerful things, and can affect our minds, and emotions as well as our bodies. It's a royal pita that's for sure.
And then there is the "obsessive compulsive disorder" as a possibility too, but AD should help that too. I agree that you need help getting to the bottom of this. And sometimes finding someone to help who is a good fit may take several tries. If the one you have now is not helping you, fire them, and shop for another. But give the medication time to work first before making a judgement call. Or maybe a change in meds is what is needed then. Here, this will explain how long it takes.
It's already done. I have just accepted that i wont be happy. I have made poor choices in life i guess. I am not happily married, i never found a career i like. I am trapped in hell watching everyone else do well in life and be happy. I am on medication now. It isnt helping.
Whatever. That's how you're choosing to go, is it. Defeatist attitude, won't even try.
Then why bother even posting on the forum in the first place. Sympathy? Nope, none from me.
It's already done. I have just accepted that i wont be happy. I have made poor choices in life i guess. I am not happily married, i never found a career i like. I am trapped in hell watching everyone else do well in life and be happy. I am on medication now. It isnt helping.
No matter how much you have, there's always someone who's going to have more or be better. The way to win the jealousy/resentment game is not to play. There are things you can do to stop playing.
"Count your blessings" isn't just a pithy saying, it's something you can do to help yourself. Think of the things you have to be grateful for: your kids, your husband, your health (125 pounds is a normal weight), your job, your home. You can do this every day on your long commute to work.
Quit awfulizing. Are you really "trapped in hell"? Seriously? Or just living what sounds like a pretty average life?
Quit beating yourself up. Unless you're only five feet tall and have bones like a little bird, you aren't overweight. And if you're starving yourself, this could be the cause of your mental health problems. Starvation diets have led to mental health problems in clinical studies (see The Great Starvation Experiment book).
And for goodness' sake, close your Facebook account. You're aware that people curate their image on there, aren't you? You know you compare yourself to others--don't feed the habit.
Of course it is the OP.....it is even the same day. I think the confusion is, the other post is a comment.....and the OP has started this thread, with the whole story.
OP.....i honestly think since your obsession about this cousin negatively affects your life to the extent that you've described that you should seek professional help to get beyond this.
i haven't had a chance to read everything but did want to respond to Clara's 'everyone should find the most joy in their life in their toddlers and if you don't there is something wrong with you statement.' I am aware there is something not right with me right now but it has not to do with not loving every moment of my 2 and and 4 year old. There is VERY little they can do on their own. Anytime i sit down my 2 year old is in my lap ripping open my shirt to nurse or someone is crying and there a 1000 things i need to do. They are often doing things they shouldnt be doing.
I havent slept through the night in 4 years. My husband and i dont sleep in the same bed because our kids want us in bed with them.
I am not saying i dont enjoy certain things with them. There are 1000s of things about them then make me smile and i realize these are precious years but they are HARD. Perhaps you are looking back and only remembering the good which is great.
But to say someone has an issue because they arent enjoying working full time and raising two toddlers needs to re-read what they wrote i think.
On another note a friend of mine who has twins let me know today over coffee that she has cancer. It was more bad news but sort of put things into perspective for me for a bit.
First, life isn't over at 40 .
Sleep deprivation will do a number on anybody! It will mold you into a whole different person in short order. If I don't get enough sleep it won't be long before I'm way crazier than I already am. Four years of not sleeping through the night would have already killed me long ago, lol. You know that in war time the enemy would use sleep deprivation as torture . Just to give you an idea of it's seriousness.
Do you have any grandparents nearby, or someone you trust, that could help out one night a week, or even every other week, to watch the kids so you could rest? You could also combine that night into a date night for you, and your husband. Sounds like you could both use it. I've heard of some moms trading off watching other people's kids one night a week so the other can have some alone time. You could pump your milk to send with. But start getting the kid used to the bottle now so there won't be fights later.
Kids sleeping with parents is not so good. Even if you had the energy you can't very well do the wild thing with them there with you. What little sleep you do get can't be very good with them wiggling around sticking their feet in your back. When were you planning on having them sleep in their own beds? It won't get any easier the longer you put it off. And it doesn't matter if they want to, or not. As Nike says, just do it, lol. They say that even having pets sleep with you can interrupt sleep. Once they get used to the idea I bet your sleep will improve, hopefully.
And you could wean the youngest to the bottle with breast milk. That would make it easier if somebody else was watching them. They would already be used to the bottle.
That's all I can think of for now, thank goodness .
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. Just to give you an idea of it's seriousness.
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