Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Most people don't care and aren't jerks about it. Maybe they're curious, which is fine. One thing I've noticed is that engaged parents who are raising their kids to productive adulthood may ask "really, never?" and when you say no, never, they say "eh, good that you know what you want" and the conversation goes on.
It's the crappy parents who think the world should accommodate every whim of theirs and that of their badly behaved offspring that ask the rude questions or call us immature, selfish, whatever for not having kids. (My personal favorite: "What makes you think you're going to get away with that?") It doesn't happen very often, but over the course of decades it does add up.
Some people feel like their only purpose in life is to be a parent. I see this more with women than men, but that's just from personal experience. So their greatest accomplishment is being a parent, and that's really all they are. Maybe no college education, no career, just a job to get by, no hobbies they're truly passionate about (that doesn't involve their kids). Not a lot of money, but they have their kids. They cling to that.
I think people who have balanced career/other interests and family are the least likely to judge, because they are more likely to get it. They have something else going on in their lives, they know life isn't ALL about having kids for everyone.
As others have said, I also think where you live plays a role in the reactions you get. Others have said it, more urban areas and major metros I think are more likely to have more people who don't care what decision you make, or maybe, as you said, will say "really, never?" then you answer and they're over it and will move on and not hound you about it or insult you. Where I am, in my experience, few people seem to care either way. You want kids? Cool. You don't? Cool.
JG415 - "You want kids? Cool. You don't? Cool." I think that's the healthiest outlook on the subject of kids, marriage, and other things.
SK - " I'm half convinced that at my funeral someone will be knocking on my coffin saying "But are you SURE? We could reanimate you and you could have a zombie baby!" That is hilarious!
Some people feel like their only purpose in life is to be a parent. I see this more with women than men, but that's just from personal experience. So their greatest accomplishment is being a parent, and that's really all they are. Maybe no college education, no career, just a job to get by, no hobbies they're truly passionate about (that doesn't involve their kids). Not a lot of money, but they have their kids. They cling to that.
I think people who have balanced career/other interests and family are the least likely to judge, because they are more likely to get it. They have something else going on in their lives, they know life isn't ALL about having kids for everyone.
As others have said, I also think where you live plays a role in the reactions you get. Others have said it, more urban areas and major metros I think are more likely to have more people who don't care what decision you make, or maybe, as you said, will say "really, never?" then you answer and they're over it and will move on and not hound you about it or insult you. Where I am, in my experience, few people seem to care either way. You want kids? Cool. You don't? Cool.
The one I have heard most often is that I am selfish.
Basically people ask why I don't want kids. And I respond by saying that kids would kill my hobbies and passions and take away my 'chillax' time, which is critical for me to survive my job.
They then respond by saying I'm selfish and that I only care about myself.
It's an interesting perspective to be sure... as you say, and I agree, most people have kids to fulfill their own wishes.
"Isn't that the equivalent of being looked atfunny for going to trade school to be a plumber right after high school,instead of a 4 year college?"
Uh, people ARE looked at as funny for doing that; you're basically considered a loser without a college degree in today's society.
I actually hear more vitriol, especially online, towards those of us WITH degrees - accusing us of having no common sense or practical knowledge, drowning in debt (I had zero debt FYI), future baristas or fry cooks, etc. I think the tides have turned, and people who pursue a trade instead are held in higher esteem.
This might not apply to the employment world, but certainly seems to be true otherwise!
This might be a regional and/or generational thing, since I've never heard such comments about my decision not to have children. It's actually become more common with people of my generation (or younger), and especially here in the Bay Area. With our cost of living being SO ridiculously expensive, many people simply can't afford children anymore - at least not until a bit later in life, once they're more financially stable. So I really don't get questioned or judged over it very often, if ever.
Not regional but generational I think. I lived gave my life in the Midwest and half on West Coast. Same both places. I am 72. When I was of child bearing age, especially during the years I was married, women were just expected to have kids. Those who didn’t were considered pariahs. I think it’s more acceptable today.
I'm at a loss to understand why you would bring up the topic for conversation to start with. Plenty of people prefer to remain child free. They're usually savvy enough not to bring up the subject with, you know, parents. I assure you, they don't care if you have kids or not. They just don't want to hear the inherent smugness that your lifestyle choice is preferable.
You are right about that. But it isn't always parents that have a problem with it, it's ANYONE with kids, and we don't bring it up, THEY do:
To a 53 year old woman without kids:
"Do you have kids?"
"No, we didn't want to."
With incredulous looks: "No??!"
Then they either go on and talk about the joys of parenthood or otherwise make my wife feel like a failure as a woman for not having children.
I probably have not even given you the real idea of how some respond to my wife after they ask her if she has children. Some are downright cruel about it and make my wife cry later when she gets home.
Some people (especially women) seem to not understand the idea of someone not wanting children and do think there's "something wrong with you" if you don't, and make women feel bad who do not have any!
Granted, my wife and others should learn to just say "*********" to those women or at best, ignore them, but my wife finds it hard not to let the opinions of others bother her.
There are so many good reasons NOT to have children and though I haven't read this whole thread surely someone has already listed many of them.
One of the latest studies I saw (I was not even looking for it) said that people who don't have kids tend to be happier, according to the criteria of the survey. I'm sure you can find studies showing both sides of the coin, but certainly there is nothing wrong with not having kids. And personally if anyone tries to make me feel bad about it, I will just tell them something like "You have the right to think it's best to have kids and I have the right to think it's best not to. So let's just talk about something else."
If it is a potential future friend saying this stuff to me, I can tell you they'll be marked off my list of potential friends.
I’m not saying it hasn’t. People have always suffered and will continue to suffer. I’m saying that I don’t have to add more people to the world to experience suffering.
That was basically my rational reason for not having kids (I'm a 58 year old woman). But I have to say that the irrational gut repulsion I always felt towards pregnancy and motherhood is probably the main reason, and I really don't know how it originated. I am in medical profession, have seen "the miracle of childbirth" many times, and it has always filled me with horror. I would have probably had kids only if I came from a family that had a major role in society (say, that of Bill Gates or even the British royalty), but only out of the feeling of duty to continue a certain social legacy, not out of any personal yearning for kids.
In my experience, actually, men have seemed to be more eager to have children than women, and I again don't really know why. I had ended more than one relationship because things were "getting serious" and the guy definitely "wanted kids eventually, at least one". I did eventually meet a great guy (who unfortunately died, but we had a little over 10 fantastic years together) who didn't want to hear about kids, same as me, and we were very happy without them.
I don't have anything against kids as such, I can tolerate smart and interesting kids for short time intervals (even occasionally perform an emergency babysitting duty for a couple of hours). I do find people who are totally child-centered very boring, but that is because we have no interests in common (I also find people who are totally football-centered very boring). The only thing that really, seriously bothers me about breeders is that so many of them cannot take care of their kids, and I have to pay taxes to support somebody else's kids.
As I am approaching old age, I am possibly more happy than ever that I don't have kids! There are so many things to explore in retirement for which I didn't have enough time due to a busy career, and I could not imagine spending these last years dealing with family problems instead of my own fun. All I am looking for right now is a good elder law attorney and somebody sufficiently young (inside or outside the extended family) to outlive me, who would (for a small financial benefit) arrange for my transfer from my own home to a nursing home of my choice in a certain inexpensive tropical country in case I develop a severe neurologic disability (ie, basically severe dementia or neurodegenerative disease, of which I don't have a family history, or a paralyzing/aphasic stroke, of which I do have some family history). I don't need anybody younger than me for anything else in my old age, why would I???
soon you will regret not having that "burden" of having kids, of having to pay more taxes, and not having much in common with people your own age. You will soon be a lonely 50 years old, with not many people to enjoy the holidays with, with no one to share your great wealth, and no one to visit you when you are a senior citizen. No one to come home to but fluffy.
Soon you will realize not too many people have the same in common with you . Family men are friends with family men, and so on. I do not think anyone would be envious. A family of 5 vs a loner?
Total BS what was stated, Kids are not a financial burden, kids actually could motivate you to make more of it. Who else are you going to share your vast knowledge with? Afterall, someone made you, and most people would like to play it forward. Thats why they look at you funny.
You can learn to fly, and circle the globe, but that will eventually go old. Kids are never ending.
I disagree whole heartedly.
I never wanted kids, am 65, and I enjoy not having any damned grand kids around as much as I enjoyed not having any damned kids around when I was young!
I talk to and visit other men with or without kids but I do have mostly single men friends who also never had kids. Many of these friends I met 25-50 years ago and never expected them to be like me and not have kids but they never had any either. I also have married friends with kids who are grown now and they've been my friends through thick and thin whether they had kids or not, and even though I never had kids or even liked having kids around.
If I die alone, maybe that *might* be sad, depending on how I die, but I wouldn't let that be the deciding factor on whether I wanted to or "should" have kids, or not.
"Kids are never ending", you wrote. Exactly why I never wanted them nor THEIR kids.
I am very glad I am now 65 without kids! Still enjoying my freedom and lack of responsibility for kids or grand kids! I don't even want a cat, or dog, LOL! I'm happy unto myself and my friends and family.
By the way, just fyi I recently hired a taxi driver who spent the whole time while driving me, bemoaning how his 3 grown kids were all a pain in his behind and how now he's remarried and told his younger wife "I'm NOT having any more kids and if you want them you'll have to marry someone else!" (I believe he told her this BEFORE marrying her!)
Aside from the responsibility of kids and cost etc, there are many other reasons not to have kids, like sometimes they do turn out to be a real disappointment. My ex-girlfriend's son turned out to be a criminal and another one a drunk. Maybe it was her fault, maybe her husband's, who knows? Maybe it was just kids who were born to be bad... Sometimes kids just turn out to be problematic.
When we were planning to get married the priest told us right off "Don't get married if you are not going to have kids, that's the reason you get married". This bothered me and still does because we agreed long before that we didn't want kids. I would agree with the word selfish, and again selfish because I regret not having kids now that I need them.
What are you asking? Guys don’t want kids much of the time, girls almost always do. As I said I’ve never had a close friend who wanted kids and I’m 35, none of my friends have kids. None ever have. My GF is 24 and she already has a bunch of people she went to high school with who have kids. All but one of her friends wants kids. It’s not something most guys I’ve ever met cared about at all, more like some knew they’d be talked into it by a girl. I’m probably just lucky I haven’t had any experience dealing with guys who want kids, so I’m not saying my experience is everyone’s but guys don’t grow up thinking about that whatsoever. We don’t play with baby dolls and babysit the neighborhood kids.
Thankfully with each generation women are becoming more and more independent and career driven and realizing their lives can be whatever they want. There’s still too much pressuring of women to be nothing but breeders though. I don’t know how a guy would want that though, it’s hard to respect someone who offers nothing else to the world. I like my partner, my girlfriend, to be my equal and not just a baby factory / nanny.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
