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The only thing that DH and I see wrong with this ^^^ is that my MIL has brought Dan into our lives in several different ways EXCEPT us actually spending time together. Does she have an obligation to involve us in that part of her life? No, she doesn't. But CONSTANTLY talking/giggling about him and then us never being around them any other time? How does that make sense? We think it's important to have us involved to some degree every now and then. We're talking about having some drinks or a dinner every so often to just connect and be together as a family. She obviously considers him to be the most important part of her life and we're her family sooooo.....no? Just keep him over there and us over here?
You've made it pretty clear that you don't approve. Why would she want to bring him around? It probably feels like you just want to see them together so you have more reason to criticize their relationship.
The only thing that DH and I see wrong with this ^^^ is that my MIL has brought Dan into our lives in several different ways EXCEPT us actually spending time together. Does she have an obligation to involve us in that part of her life? No, she doesn't. But CONSTANTLY talking/giggling about him and then us never being around them any other time? How does that make sense? We think it's important to have us involved to some degree every now and then. We're talking about having some drinks or a dinner every so often to just connect and be together as a family. She obviously considers him to be the most important part of her life and we're her family sooooo.....no? Just keep him over there and us over here?
It does to kids who do this and I know another older woman (hmm...maybe I should ask how old is your MIL?) I spent time with just this weekend who is similar. Maybe that's why I read this. This woman was so giddy in a sweet childlike way at dinner asking the same question over and over about how is your meal?...you like your meal?...this is the nicest restaurant, we come here on special occasions. And acting loving with her male friend she's known for years, saying he always brings me here for special occasions, I took him here for his birthday and invited all our friends for a party. Very cheerful about having a nice social life, yet we know she gets lost easily, can't drive properly, buys more than she should, can't figure out how to eat a hot dog if the bun is the thicker kind sliced on top instead of the older slice and laying on its side. But very cheery socially. We love her though and feel bad for her changing life. Another sad thing is, she doesn't see this guy all that often as much as she loves being with him and in a convivial atmosphere. And I happen to know he's less and less happy with her, poor thing.
Last edited by petsandgardens; 06-19-2018 at 01:08 PM..
My SIL still lives in CA and works full-time, unfortunately. I am in the process of finding a babysitter through co-workers and Care.com. It's just been hard to know that my MIL was so reliable for my SIL for so long but then when she moves out here to TX, she loses her mind over a man and we can't have simple conversations with her.
Than you all should have stayed in CA....LOL.
Why after 3 years and you seem to know all your neighbors can't you find someone else to watch your kids? If you know so many people now, why can't one of them watch your kids?
And as another poster said you can't control other adults, only YOUR MINOR children. You and your husband got his mother to move to TX, perhaps she should have stayed in CA and you could have flown her out when needed.
I remember you, you bashed my state of CA quite a bit, and thought TX was the end all, maybe this karma?
FYI, edit your post, way too long to read all of it.
The only thing that DH and I see wrong with this ^^^ is that my MIL has brought Dan into our lives in several different ways EXCEPT us actually spending time together. Does she have an obligation to involve us in that part of her life? No, she doesn't. But CONSTANTLY talking/giggling about him and then us never being around them any other time? How does that make sense? We think it's important to have us involved to some degree every now and then. We're talking about having some drinks or a dinner every so often to just connect and be together as a family. She obviously considers him to be the most important part of her life and we're her family sooooo.....no? Just keep him over there and us over here?
It's possible that since you both said you didn't want her dating Dan, she doesn't want to spend time as a couple with you. It's also possible that she shared that nugget with Dan and HE doesn't want to spend time with you. Your only reason for her not to date Dan was because it might make things uncomfortable for YOU.
I'd let it all go. Find another babysitter. Let your MIL live her life as she wants to.
Your mother in law is old enough to make a fool of herself without any input from you. Her life, not yours. Butt out.
She is consistently unreliable as a babysitter. Find someone more trustworthy and pay for your babysitter like the rest of us did. MIL does not owe you any free babysitting.
I don't see this as much of an issue. People with flakey relatives just have to work around them. Dont waste your effort by relying on her. You have to plan without her. Take care of your own life; take care of your own family.
This, especially the bolded part, take care of your own kids.
Clearly the only reason the MIL was coaxed into leaving CA for TX was to be the free and frequent babysitter, to the OP's chagrin MIL still has an interest in men, and met one....LOL..well isn't that just too bad.
Last edited by seain dublin; 06-19-2018 at 01:02 PM..
This, especially the bolded part, take care of your own kids.
Clearly the only reason the MIL was coaxed into leaving CA for TX was to be the free and frequent babysitter, to the OP's chagrin MIL still has an interest in men, and met one....LOL..well isn't that just too bad.
It occurred to me that after FIVE YEARS of babysitting her other grandkids she decided to make a life of her own.
There is nothing wrong with MIL liking Dan since the feelings are mutual. MIL has not obligation to babysit your children. However, you also have no obligation to let your MIL babysit your children if you have the money to hire a babysitter. If you don't have the money to have a babysitter, then either you take the kids with or stay with them, or you have to put up with MIL babysitting them if you have no alternate solution.
You can simply tell her that you feel she is not able to be committed to your children enough to babysit them, and that that's okay if she is not well enough connected with them. Let her do what she wants basically, but you can regulate your own family and life too.
I still don't understand why you keep asking your MIL to babysit if she is that unreliable. If she would be a paid babysitter/nanny after the first time that she cancelled at the last minute you would find someone else to babysit next time.
You keep mentioning how she babysat full time for your SIL. Well, times change. Situations change.
I know a couple who babysat full time when their daughter's children were young. They were both in their early 60s, recently retired and healthy. And, the daughter and her husband both had lower paying jobs and could barely afford food for their family, after their bills were paid, let alone pay for childcare.
It is now ten years later and their son is having his first child. There is no way in hell that they can babysit fulltime that grandchild, but the son is grumpy that they aren't volunteering to do that. The grandparents are now in their early 70s and both have serious health issues. Grandpa uses a cane or walker and grandma may have the start of dementia. Would you trust them caring fulltime for a newborn baby? In addition, the son has a great job, even though he is much younger, he & his wife probably make three times what his sister & her husband made/make. The son even asked his parents to pay their childcare expenses, since they won't do it for free, to make it "fair" with his sister.
I know that your situation is different but it seems like you are holding on to jealousy about your SIL getting loads of free childcare and you getting none (or virtually none). IMHO, just let it go. Hire a reliable sitter for an occasional date night or when you need someone when you are working.
BTW, I do think that your MIL should tone down her obnoxious behavior about her BF, but that is a different issue than babysitting. And, yes, it was wrong to drive the children without the correct safety seats and without getting permission from you in advance.
PS. I'm a recent widow. If I ever start dating again I can not imagine a situation where my adult children would tell me who or who not to date (unless it was something like they knew the man was a criminal, drug addict or an alcoholic and they shared that information to warn me). Telling me that I can't date one of their neighbors? Nope, not appropriate.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-19-2018 at 02:00 PM..
The only thing that DH and I see wrong with this ^^^ is that my MIL has brought Dan into our lives in several different ways EXCEPT us actually spending time together. Does she have an obligation to involve us in that part of her life? No, she doesn't. But CONSTANTLY talking/giggling about him and then us never being around them any other time? How does that make sense? We think it's important to have us involved to some degree every now and then. We're talking about having some drinks or a dinner every so often to just connect and be together as a family. She obviously considers him to be the most important part of her life and we're her family sooooo.....no? Just keep him over there and us over here?
Your expectations are the problem, and you're manufacturing drama. I am on your MIL's side here.
You sound angry that you and your family are not the center of the universe, and you're frustrated because other people won't bend their behavior to accommodate YOUR desires.
Take a step back and stop trying to impose YOUR will on other people's lives.
Wow. The problem seems to be your entitlement in thinking your mother-in-law should babysit your kids. Why don't you solve the problem by getting your own babysitter and not relying on someone who clearly does not want to babysit your kids?
Sounds like MIL is still in the honeymoon stage with Dan. Because he doesn't live there and they see each other infrequently, she probably really values the time alone with him and might not want to share it with your family, esp. when you disapprove.
Unless there is something else going on with her mind, it seems the distraction of romance has been affecting her reliability with the kids or else she is hoping maybe you will stop asking her to watch them but doesn't want to outright say so.
Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She was basically providing full-time weekday childcare for your SIL until moving to TX to be near you. Maybe she wants to enjoy retired life now and is worried that if she starts keeping your kids it will set precedent that she has to do it all the time for you and your husband as well. I know you may not perceive that as fair but sometimes people do something as a favor that then becomes obligation and then after that obligation ends they don't want to get roped into it again. I doubt it is anything to personal with you or your kids - she is probably just tired of taking care of kids but doesn't want to hurt your feelings to say so or seem like she is playing favorites between her grand-kids.
This is probably the first time in years that your MIL feels special and desired just for her. That is what Dan is offering or she wouldn't be in la la land over him. Let her enjoy it and find other care for your kids.
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