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I'm an only child, and I HATED it. Evenings in my family home were so lonely! I had nobody to play a game with or even talk to. To make matters worse, my parents were very strict, and I was the sole outlet for their expectations, like getting perfect grades in school. It did me a disservice: I had little experience interacting closely with peers/equals, just authority figures. I had friends in my neighborhood and in my classes, but it's not the same! They all had their own lives, so it's not like I could expect them to play with me anytime I was up for something (a board game, a one-on-one sports game, a video game). I begged my parents to have a second child (or two, or three), but without success.
As a result, I didn't learn to assert myself with peers until I was a teen. Although honestly, I didn't have many run-ins with bullying, except in middle school grades. Just some nuisance teasing here or there, like a neighbor's barking dog. I'd throw away my soul to have had a same-age sibling while growing up.
As a result of my childhood experiences, I vowed to never have kids of my own. And now, at my age (35), there just isn't enough time to create a huge, bustling family, where there's never a dull moment, that I wished for as a child.
I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience as an only child.
Do you think that your parents didn't want more children, or were unable to have any? Given their personalities, I would think they would be hard to approach. If they are still living, what is your relationship like? Have you thought of asking them? I think it's appropriate, given the situation.
Were or are your parents older than other parents? Growing up, one of my friends was an only child and she had parents who literally looked old enough to be her grandparents. She never complained while we were growing up, but she went on to have three children.
The other only child I know, hated it as you did. I met her in my late teens. I went away to college, and she commuted from home. In her junior year she met a man, dropped out of college, married and quickly had four kids. That was over 25 years ago. They are happily married, but I am sure that she had the 4 children, in rapid succession, to compensate for her own lonely childhood.
I am curious as to why you do not want to have children of your own? Are you in a committed relationship?
I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience as an only child.
Thank you for the kind words.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
Do you think that your parents didn't want more children, or were unable to have any? Given their personalities, I would think they would be hard to approach. If they are still living, what is your relationship like? Have you thought of asking them? I think it's appropriate, given the situation.
I decided to let the sleeping dogs lie. If they didn't want to give me a sibling, their bodies, their choice . They had me when they were in early 30's, so it wasn't too late to have a second child, but whatever. Plus, I found a coping strategy in high school (being out on as many evenings as possible), and moved out during college. All of which renders the loneliness I once struggled with totally irrelevant now. In fact, I really like coming home to a quiet apartment after a fun night at, say, a roller derby or bar trivia.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
I am curious as to why you do not want to have children of your own? Are you in a committed relationship?
Being a child was a very unpleasant experience for me, so I don't feel right putting a person through it. And I avoid all relationships like the plague: I saw lots of people I know get into relationships, and was horrified by it. The couples are joined at the hip 24/7/365, and they mostly stay home. Their only entertainment is going out to dinner together. I, on the other hand, still want to have an enjoyable, active life.
I'm an only child, and I HATED it. Evenings in my parents' home were so lonely! I had nobody to play a game with or even talk to. To make matters worse, my parents were very strict, and I was the sole outlet for their expectations, like getting perfect grades in school. It did me a disservice: I had little experience interacting closely with peers/equals, just authority figures. I had friends in my neighborhood and in my classes, but it's not the same! They all had their own lives, so it's not like I could expect them to play with me anytime I was up for something (a board game, a one-on-one sports game, a video game). I begged my parents to have a second child (or two, or three), but without success. By high school, I had more freedom, and was usually out with my friends a lot evenings, anyway, not coming home until fairly close to bedtime.
As a result, I didn't learn to assert myself with peers until I was a teen. Although honestly, I didn't have many run-ins with bullying, except in middle school grades. Just some nuisance teasing here or there, like a neighbor's barking dog. I'd throw away my soul to have had a same-age sibling while growing up.
As a result of my childhood experiences, I vowed to never have kids of my own. And now, at my age (35), there just isn't enough time to create a huge, happy, bustling family, with lots of kids, where there's never a dull moment, that I wished for as a child.
I had similar feelings to yours while growing up, the difference was I had three siblings! I still felt lonely in my house. Both my parents had to work. My siblings were all older, almost 5, 6 and 7 years older. I was the oops baby! Believe me, just because they exist doesn’t mean you get an instant playmate. I had a great imagination, TV, toys, a few friends and curiosity to keep me busy. I hardly ever felt wanted and certainly wasn’t needed. Most of my life I’ve strived to become closer to these people, with title to no success. Now, I avoid them mostly. An unsatisfying, one sided relationship with a sibling isn’t better than no sibling at all.
I had similar feelings to yours while growing up, the difference was I had three siblings! I still felt lonely in my house. Both my parents had to work. My siblings were all older, almost 5, 6 and 7 years older. I was the oops baby! Believe me, just because they exist doesn’t mean you get an instant playmate. I had a great imagination, TV, toys, a few friends and curiosity to keep me busy. I hardly ever felt wanted and certainly wasn’t needed. Most of my life I’ve strived to become closer to these people, with title to no success. Now, I avoid them mostly. An unsatisfying, one sided relationship with a sibling isn’t better than no sibling at all.
Yes. There are some family situations that almost mimic the only child experience. Yours is one.
I am sorry that your siblings ignored you. I think that's unusual. In my experience the baby of the family usually gets more than their fair share of attention.
We actually had TWO "oops" babies in my family, and both received loads of attention from my sisters and I.
I absolutely agree with you - "An unsatisfying, one sided relationship with a sibling isn't better than no sibling at all.
I also avoid my sisters as much as possible. I am friendly with my youngest sibling, my brother.
It really depends on a lot of factors, not least of which your personality and dynamic with your parents. I was perfectly happy as an only child. My parents took the "let's just see what happens," approach to having kids and I was the only result. They could have probably been more aggressive and had more, but were happy with just one as well. I learned how to be self-sufficient and how to entertain myself. I did have friends who lived nearby, which I'm sure helped, but as an introvert I was generally fine being on my own. We were also able to travel and go out quite a bit as a family, and I went to really good private schools, which my parents likely couldn't afford if they had more children. At times i thought it might be nice having a sibling, but then I'd see the problems my friends would have with their siblings and be happy I didn't have to deal with that mess. I've also had friends who had to pay for their older siblings' mistakes, for example not being given any help with college because her older sisters had failed out (disregarding the fact that she was a far better student and had more drive). Even as an adult, I've noticed that the "onlies" I know have tended to be far better adjusted, closer with their families, and happier than those from bigger families. Completely anecdotal, but even those with reportedly happy childhoods seem to struggle with sibling issues well into old age.
A negative, I suppose, is that I was definitely more comfortable around adults than I was around kids my own age. At large family events I'd be shy with my cousins and prefer to hang around my parents and aunts/uncles, which I get is weird. I'm very independent, which is good but also means that I struggle to ask for help or open up to people. As an adult, I do feel pressure about being the only person they have, and it does make me a little sad that any kids we have won't be surrounded by tons of family at holidays and other celebrations (partly because my family is small, but also our relatives are scattered).
We don't have children yet. We're hoping for two, but i'd be fine with an only child.
I think being an only was OK, like someone said earlier, having a sibling isn't a guarantee of a playmate or friend. I don't have any kids, didn't get married until I was almost 42. My parents are both gone, so my closest relationship is my DH. I do have many cousins (dad was from a family of 13 kids!), I try to keep in touch with them somewhat. I do have some very close friends.
I don't think my mom could have handled 2 kids, she was rather high-strung.
All in all, it was OK, I'm pretty happy.
To be fair, my parents shouldn't have married in the first place. Their marriage was a string of constant battles, and I got put in the middle of a lot of them. Growing up, I wanted a sibling, but it wasn't long before I saw that it would've made a bad situation worse.
My parents did finally divorce, and we all got along a lot better when none of us lived under the same roof. As an adult, I see that my parents weren't evil, just clueless about relationships and marriage because their parents had highly problematic relationships.
So, yeah, I wish I had a sibling, and I might have a half-sibling still alive out there that I'd like to find, but it is what it is. I accept that.
I'm conflicted. Growing up, I had trouble getting on with my peers, and maybe having a sibling would have helped with that, but it might have done the eact opposite. I'm quite envious of my mother and uncle, though. They are super close now. I love their dynamic. Growing up, I'm not sure it was that way.
I'm childless by choice, but these parent/family-type questions really interest me.
If I wanted kids, I'd probably go for two. I feel like most sibling relationships are at least pretty good, as long as the parent does their job.
I was an only child and I enjoyed it, although there were times where I wish I had a little sister or brother to watch out for. Funny you should ask this because I talked with my parents the other day when I was visiting them, and I asked them why did they choose to just have one child, me? My parents, keeping it real like they always do were like: Raising one child is the same as raising two kids, so why would we want double the responsibility? We would've loved to give you a little sister or brother, but God had other plans. My pops dropped some fatherly wisdom on me: Son, being an only child means: You get all the attention, you don't take the blame for when your younger siblings foul up, and this is the big one: When we want the house to ourselves, you can go to a friend's house for a few hours while mom and I enjoy ourselves.
(snip)
As a result of my childhood experiences, I vowed to never have kids of my own. And now, at my age (35), there just isn't enough time to create a huge, happy, bustling family, with lots of kids, where there's never a dull moment, that I wished for as a child.
I disagree that that age 35 is too late for a "happy, bustling family", perhaps, too late for a dozen kids but not two or three or maybe four. A family friend is at the hospital today with his wife, having their first child at age 37. And, they are definitely hoping for more children.
I know several people who started their family at age 35 and have two or three children.
Hubby and I had our children at age 32 and 36 and trust me, there was never a dull moment with just the two of them.
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. They had me when they were in early 30's, so it wasn't too late to have a second child, but whatever. Plus, I found a coping strategy in high school (being out on as many evenings as possible), and moved out during college. All of which renders the loneliness I once struggled with totally irrelevant now. In fact, I really like coming home to a quiet apartment after a fun night at, say, a roller derby or bar trivia.
