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My husband is an only and has always wished for a sibling, however, his mom couldn't have more.
I think his biggest drawback was socialization and learning to share.
Now married, he has had 2 children, now grown.
He married into a larger family of 4 sibs which all get along. Personally, I don't know what I would do without my sibs - different seasons in life - sometimes you are closer at different times but those bonds last a lifetime.
I definitely see the advantages of being an only child, but I do wish I had siblings. My parents both were only children, mom passed away unexpectedly last fall, and now my family is SO small. It's one reason I myself had three children.
I definitely feel it now with both parents gone and all of my cousins, aunt and uncle are an 8 hour drive away.
I didn't mind being an only child, although there were a few times I wished I'd had an older brother, but that was pointless so...
Hubby and I had our children at age 32 and 36 and trust me, there was never a dull moment with just the two of them.
I'm sure you wanted to sound encouraging, but this misses the mark. Not to mention, sounds overly... I can't think of a word... but definitely not encouraging.
I was wishing for a HUGE, lively, bustling family, the kind that puts "Brady Bunch" to shame. (I watched it often as a kid, probably as escapism without realizing it.) With 6 or more kids, shared rooms, multiple pets, and perhaps an au pair. I do know that a classmate in elementary school was from a family of 3 kids, and he seemed really happy. Either way, nothing changes the fact that an only child is a lonely child.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 06-30-2018 at 06:04 PM..
I disagree that that age 35 is too late for a "happy, bustling family", perhaps, too late for a dozen kids but not two or three or maybe four. A family friend is at the hospital today with his wife, having their first child at age 37. And, they are definitely hoping for more children.
I know several people who started their family at age 35 and have two or three children.
Hubby and I had our children at age 32 and 36 and trust me, there was never a dull moment with just the two of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
I'm sure you wanted to sound encouraging, but this misses the mark. Not to mention, sounds overly... I can't think of a word... but definitely not encouraging.
I was wishing for a HUGE, lively, bustling family, the kind that puts "Brady Bunch" to shame. (I watched it often as a kid, probably as escapism, without realizing it.) With 6 or more kids, multiple pets, and perhaps an au pair. With nightly dinners en masse, team games in the backyard, working on jigsaw puzzles together, and other joys that come from living in a large family. Where being grounded with no TV doesn't seem so bad, because the house is full of people your age. Where even being sent to your room is kind of OK, because you share it and it doesn't feel isolating. I do know that a classmate in elementary school was from a family of 3 kids, and he seemed really happy. Either way, nothing will change the fact that an only child is a lonely child.
I don't want to hijack the thread but you have to understand that The Brady Bunch was a TV show.
Not all big families are a "barrel of laughs". When my father was born, there were nine children, plus their parents, living in a one bedroom house (later they added a second story with three more small bedrooms). One of his brothers went to live with an aunt for a summer, at age four and never returned home, because his parents simply did not have enough room, or food or money, for everyone. Now, from what my father said they did have a great childhood as they lived on a farm so always had milk, meat & vegetables to eat. Every child went out and started working fulltime at age 13 to help support themselves and their family (typical for his generation).
My aunt & uncle had 12 children (plus, of course the two parents), in a three or four bedroom house. Even though, all of the children were extremely smart, the parents could not help with any college or technical school expenses for them. Three of the children went to college through the army. But, they did have a great childhood (except for, at times, running out of food).
While some large families may be like the Brady Bunch, just because you have a large family does not mean that you have all those things that you did not have such as built in friends and ongoing activities. And, remember that in the Brady Bunch each parent only had three biological children, not exactly a huge family.
I was not an only child, so I don't know what it would be like, but, I bet that not all only children were as isolated and lonely as you were. I am sorry that your childhood was not as happy as you wanted it to be.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-30-2018 at 06:20 PM..
I was an only child. Given what I understand now about my parents, I'm very glad i was an only child. But honestly, I never really had a problem with it.
There were little issues that cropped up, like my mother insisting I should donate my stuffed animals to poor children at her school and going off on me about how selfish I was when I protested. I explained very calmly (at the age of 7 or so) that as an only child in a neighborhood with no other children my age, my stuffed animals were basically my friends and I played with them daily. That did the trick. In retrospect, I have to wonder what my mother was thinking - my stuffed animals had all been "loved" into velveteen rabbit territory. I cannot imagine giving those worn-out toys to another child and expecting them to be grateful just because they were poor.
I was basically emotionally feral growing up - both of my parents have personality disorders. I am very grateful no other child was brought into that situation. But I am very happy on my own and I eventually learned how to interact in a functional way with other people. I have many friends that I love, and I am regularly told by many of them that they love and value me. Being an only child, I think, gave me the resilience to push myself to change my life in the ways I wanted.
It was like when my dog died, and I wanted to put a rock over her grave to mark it. I found a nice big one in our backwoods, but it was very heavy. I thought about it for a day and then spent another day moving it on a series of small logs that I used as rollers. Given that my parents were also fairly neglectful, I had to figure out a lot of stuff on my own.
I like my alone time. Today, I spent the day entirely on my own with my dogs - started cleaning the house (an extended project at this point), went out for breakfast and dinner, did a little reading and exchanged a few text messages with friends. It was a good day and I haven't spoken directly to anyone except some waitresses. I'm planning to spend the evening taking care of laundry and then there will be a hot bath and a few at-home spa treatments. I'm going to sleep well!
I should also add that I have five younger cousins, four of whom I am as close to as I would be to any sibling. I'm old enough to be the mother of the youngest (20-year age gap), so he and I have never really gotten that close, though we are fond of each other.
...are you glad that you are an only child or do you wish that you had siblings? Did your parents choose to have one child, or were there other reasons? How many children do you have? If you do not have children, do you plan to have any, and if so, how many? And why?
I am asking this because two of my closest friends are only children. One loved it. The other hated it. I spoke to both of them recently.
There have also been several threads about siblings lately. This led me to wonder about those of you who have no siblings. What were the pros? What were the cons?
I would prefer to have siblings now that I’m an adult, but I didn’t care when I was a child. My mom wanted more kids but my dad didn’t. I don’t have any kids and have no plans to have any.
I'm not that close with my brothers now that we are all adults. We live far apart.
We absolutely love each other, but we don't remember to call super often and I don't know their kids very well because we never seem to be in the same place except every couple of years for a couple of days.
I felt close to them growing up, but it is what it is now.
My husband was raised as an only because the 4 older half siblings hated their father for leaving their mother. He's definitely not as good at sharing as I am, even though I'm a the spoiled baby of my family.
I think he would tell you he liked being an only child, he's very self-contained. I wish he had been closer to his siblings growing up, because they have a lovely relationship with each other and still do.
I always find it curious when the old thing about sharing comes up in discussions about only children. My daughter is an only. When she was little (ages 18mo-9), we were close family friends with a family with two girls the same age. They fought over who got the most of whatever, who was keeping stuff from the other, and would never share anything. My daughter, on the other hand, grew up in with her dad and I, and we shared everything with each other. It was just what our family did - there was little "mine and yours", just "ours". Those two family friends girls would just take everything my daughter offered, which when she was young puzzled her. She'd offer a sip of her drink, and they'd just take it all. They never shared, they just competed - with a winner/loser dynamic. Their parents would just shrug.
Kids will learn what they are taught. If they are taught to compete for resources, they'll compete. If they are taught to share, they'll share. If they are taught that they are given everything without a thought of anyone else, they'll become thoughtless. Doesn't matter the number of kids in the family.
My sister in law is an only, and thinks it was the worst thing in the world. Her parents were/are horrible people (have met her mother - can attest to that much), dumped her with relatives, used her as a conduit to hurt each other. I believe her when she told me that her childhood was miserable. But when she met my brother, she met my then 2 year old and watched her grow up as an only in a stable, loving, involved family. And maybe, just maybe once she admitted that maybe it wasn't the number of children that was the problem in her family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
Either way, nothing changes the fact that an only child is a lonely child.
I'm sure you don't need to be reminded that your having had an experience does not mean that it is a universal experience.
My daughter is very extroverted. On weekends, if we didn't have extra children at our house, all day and/or overnight, it was because our daughter was at a friend's house. We had an extended family in the same city, and she spent lots of time with both sets of grandparents. Between family, school, friends, sports and other activities, she loved being on the go and spent only as much time alone as she wanted to, which was little. I worked school hours part time when she was in school, and I was home with her after school and on school breaks her entire school years. Her dad was home with her before she started kindergarten. We rarely said no to a social opportunity that she asked for, even though her dad and I are pretty introverted. We stepped out of our comfort zone, because we realized our kid had different social needs than we did.
One summer I babysat a couple of siblings, a year older and a year younger. So they were 7, 8 and 9. At first she was excited. But those kids were so unpleasant and fought constantly. Like screaming at each other, telling on each other, physically fighting, just generally rude. Two weeks into an 8 week summer, my daughter told me that she was glad she didn't have a sibling -it was exhausting and no fun.
I'm sure there were times she might have wanted a sibling, but I asked her about this once after she became an adult and she said "I've never known anything else, so I have no idea how it might have been different." She's seen her dad and I have rocky relationships with our siblings, and so she knows that it's not always a big lovefest.
My brother and I like to say that we were both only children. Essentially, we were. My parents were unsuccessful getting pregnant and adopted me. I grew up in a working dad, SAHM family, moving every few years for reassignments. Some (functional) alcoholism and emotional instability in my parents, but my childhood was fairly uneventful. Lo and behold mom does get pregnant and my brother is born shortly before I turn 12. My parents' marriage breaks up a few years later and my brother grows up in one house for 18 years with a single (and now working) mom. Two totally different families.
I've always been introverted and quite self-directed. I grew up a voracious reader and could always entertain myself with Tinkertoys, Lincoln Logs and Lego. I would make friends in the neighborhood and at school, but was never one to hang out with a large group of kids. One or two friends at a time was my thing.
When I look back on my early years I just see my early years. I don't think being an only child was better or worse than the alternative. I do think it caused me some problems when I began school, as I had never really learned the mores appropriate for large groups. I wasn't a spoiled, breath-holding whiner, but I was used to being the focus of attention in my home and not really having to negotiate for position. As an adult, I still enjoy solitude. Relish it, actually. My husband, the oldest of 6 kids who were 8 years apart, is still a bit bewildered by my need for quiet "me" time. I guess I was well-suited to be an only child.
I remember as a young adult assuming I would have children and focusing on never wanted to be divorced. The second part of that led me to turn down some marriage opportunities in my 20s and by the time I met the right guy, kids were really out of the picture for multiple reasons. I also came through those child-bearing years before it became acceptable, even mainstream, for a single woman to have a child on her own. Sometimes I think I might have liked to have children, but it's not something I really regret or dwell on in any way.
While some large families may be like the Brady Bunch, just because you have a large family does not mean that you have all those things that you did not have such as built in friends and ongoing activities. And, remember that in the Brady Bunch each parent only had three biological children, not exactly a huge family.
Oh, I know. I was envying the total household size, not the number of biological kids each adult had.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo
I'm sure you don't need to be reminded that your having had an experience does not mean that it is a universal experience.
Fair enough, point taken. But let's at least agree on this: growing up as an only child in a nuclear family is very unnatural. Like high fructose corn syrup and textured soy protein in our food. It's not how humans are meant to live! Have you even considered that there didn't used to be "monsters under the bed", until nuclear families and one child per room became the norm? No wonder child psychologists are raking in big bucks these days. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if splintering extended families into multiple nuclear units was a ploy by real estate companies to sell more houses. And today, the same is happening with divorced parents: people spend more to maintain two households instead of one, so real estate companies promote divorce.
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