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Wife's son calls her last night....right away she starts sounding upset.... We live in Connecticut. Her dad lives in California (region where the fires are). He apparently is developing Alzheimer's and his wife is bringing him out to see his family out here before his condition worsens... I expect that they will be here by the weekend and staying for 2 weeks. She was poorly treated by him in her teens and over the last 30 years they have hardly had a relationship. On top of that, when her marriage broke down, her only sister, who also lives here in CT, took sides with her alcohol abusing ex-husband who lost their house to foreclosure, and THEY haven't talked but barely once in 5 years at my granddaughter's 1st birthday party two years ago.....
So this visit is happening right in my granddaughter's 3rd birthday weekend.... Party is 8/18....
So my wife is really upset now that at the birthday party, she has to contend with:
*Her estranged dad who is developing dementia and his wife
*Her estranged sister and brother in-law who is a bit of a jerk (they actually evicted her mother from a rental apartment and put most of their belongings into a dumpster in the middle of winter 1.5 years ago)
*Her ex-husband (who is in AA now and just sits off by himself). I get along with him and it's his granddaughter too... He has every right to be there....
Wife is going to be so on edge that I'm sure she won't be enjoying her granddaughter's birthday....
Other than being supportive of her, not sure If I should be doing anything else....
I guess the 2 of you could just bow out of the party. Make excuses something like you both came down with colds, you're contagious, and would like to reschedule a time to drop off the birthday gift for the grandchild....in a couple of weeks. When everyone else is gone.
I'd try to get her to concentrate on the positives and forget all the crap. She's not the first one to have to deal with negative family members at events.
Encourage her to be thankful that she turned out "normal" despite all the ugly stuff she's been through plus be thankful she's gotten away from all of them.
And tell her if anything negative starts happening, you'll run interference and try to get the person outside for a break.
Things might be good and wonderful. People can change.
I like the suggestion above about you telling her you will run interference. Promise to be near her throughout the day.
She might also want to watch a few online videos for deep breathing techniques or just mentally remind herself to take a few deep breaths should it become stressful.
She should also feel free to make an excuse to walk away from an unpleasant conversation. "Excuse me, I need to another drink" works well.
I guess the 2 of you could just bow out of the party. Make excuses something like you both came down with colds, you're contagious, and would like to reschedule a time to drop off the birthday gift for the grandchild....in a couple of weeks. When everyone else is gone.
This is her grandchild's 3rd birthday...... the ONLY grandchild at this point...... The timing just sucks..... I already asked her son to not play it up at all.... Let her mom and her father just work it out on their own... He agreed...
I'd try to get her to concentrate on the positives and forget all the crap. She's not the first one to have to deal with negative family members at events.
Encourage her to be thankful that she turned out "normal" despite all the ugly stuff she's been through plus be thankful she's gotten away from all of them.
And tell her if anything negative starts happening, you'll run interference and try to get the person outside for a break.
I agree.
Focus on the granddaughter, and keep interactions with the estranged relatives to a minimum. If she can busy herself with party prep and help she won't be stuck in a corner dealing with one of them.
Your job is to be supportive and yes, run interference if necessary but not to make things worse. If any confrontations occur, don't escalate them.
If the dad has Alzheimer's there's really no telling what he might say or do, so I would just avoid him completely.
During the week leading up to the party, follow your wife's lead on whether she wants to talk about it or not think about it. Keep the focus on the reason for the party and try not to think about the other relatives at all.
Wife's son calls her last night....right away she starts sounding upset.... We live in Connecticut. Her dad lives in California (region where the fires are). He apparently is developing Alzheimer's and his wife is bringing him out to see his family out here before his condition worsens... I expect that they will be here by the weekend and staying for 2 weeks. She was poorly treated by him in her teens and over the last 30 years they have hardly had a relationship. On top of that, when her marriage broke down, her only sister, who also lives here in CT, took sides with her alcohol abusing ex-husband who lost their house to foreclosure, and THEY haven't talked but barely once in 5 years at my granddaughter's 1st birthday party two years ago.....
So this visit is happening right in my granddaughter's 3rd birthday weekend.... Party is 8/18....
So my wife is really upset now that at the birthday party, she has to contend with:
*Her estranged dad who is developing dementia and his wife
*Her estranged sister and brother in-law who is a bit of a jerk (they actually evicted her mother from a rental apartment and put most of their belongings into a dumpster in the middle of winter 1.5 years ago)
*Her ex-husband (who is in AA now and just sits off by himself). I get along with him and it's his granddaughter too... He has every right to be there....
Wife is going to be so on edge that I'm sure she won't be enjoying her granddaughter's birthday....
Other than being supportive of her, not sure If I should be doing anything else....
She does not have to attend. This sounds like being invited to a family just-got-released! party for an inmate who robbed you at gunpoint and was sent to the joint for 10 years. Why would you go to that "party"?
It's only one afternoon, if she decides to attend she can just avoid all of them as much as possible and make an excuse to quickly remove herself from the conversation if they try to talk to her. They can't force her to engage with them.
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