Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi, CD. Just wondering how you all deal with parents that favor a sibling. We're all adults, but my brother has/is always #1 to my parents. He can do no wrong in their eyes. His children are favored, his life, his career, his family. My family and I are never invited to outings. For instance, my brother took his family on vacation, and invited my parents who went and had a great time. I invite them to a vacation with my family, and it's always no thanks. I always invite my parents for dinner and they politely decline, but they go to dinner with my brother and his family all the time. Everything is always on my brother's terms. For example, the holidays at my moms. Well, what time is good for him, his gifts are always better/more thoughtful. I really feel like cutting my parents off. I feel hurt, and everytime I make mention of my feelings I'm over reacting/being dramatic. We have both had successful lives. I've never caused my parents any issues, even as a child. I just want to hear of others in this situation, and what you have done to cope with it. Thanks.
I'd like to tell you there is a solution here, but, to be honest, there probably isn't - except for you to learn to control your perceptions, expectations and reactions so YOU feel better about yourself.
You and your family are the ones who should matter most to you at this point - not your parents or your brother's family. Be proud of who you are as a family (your spouse/kids, yourself, etc.) and move on. Try to be indifferent to how your parents treat your brother and his family. Don't bother inviting your parents any more for holidays or dinners - but don't make a big deal of not inviting them either. Try to take little notice of the difference you see (it could be that your perception is a bit warped there too by your expectations in that regard) in the amount or type of gifts at Christmas. Just go on with your lives and try not to notice or care so much about how your parents treat your brother or vice versa. Just be YOU and go on with YOUR lives.
I am sure your expectations are very ingrained by now unfortunately - so I know this won't be easy for you to do. But, I think in the end it will be worth the effort for you and your family.
What would your parents say if you asked them, "Why do you show favoritism to my brother?" I don't mean, "What would they say if you told them they show favoritism," see the difference?
Without accusing them, without tears and a big scene, without ultimatums, have you ever just simply sat your parents down and said, "When you do this (fill in the blank - go on vacation with my brother but don't go with me, go out to dinner with his family but not my family, etc) I feel rejected. What am I missing in this picture? What do you think I am doing to cause this difference in treatment?"
I'd like to tell you there is a solution here, but, to be honest, there probably isn't - except for you to learn to control your perceptions, expectations and reactions so YOU feel better about yourself.
You and your family are the ones who should matter most to you at this point - not your parents or your brother's family. Be proud of who you are as a family (your spouse/kids, yourself, etc.) and move on. Try to be indifferent to how your parents treat your brother and his family. Don't bother inviting your parents any more for holidays or dinners - but don't make a big deal of not inviting them either. Try to take little notice of the difference you see (it could be that your perception is a bit warped there too by your expectations in that regard) in the amount or type of gifts at Christmas. Just go on with your lives and try not to notice or care so much about how your parents treat your brother or vice versa. Just be YOU and go on with YOUR lives.
I am sure your expectations are very ingrained by now unfortunately - so I know this won't be easy for you to do. But, I think in the end it will be worth the effort for you and your family.
I really like these suggestions.
Put your own immediate family first. Focus your energy on the people who love you and respect you and appreciate you. Give them the bulk of your attention - not what's left over after you hash out stuff with your parents or extended family.
Thanks for the quick replies. I feel pretty defeated at this point. I just wanted to show you a recent conversations via Text with my mom when she wanted to take my son to see the waterfalls.
Mom: Can we take (my oldest child) to Ithaca today?
Me: Who is we?
Mom: Me, your brother, his wife, and (my nephew)
Me: Sure, I guess. I'll have him get ready
Me: Just wondering...Why are you guys are always doing something together, and never invite my family?
Mom: Ok
She blantantly just ignores my concerns. More recently, what actually prompted this post, is that I asked her if she would help watch the kids while we move. It was an automatic no, I don't have time, they'll be fine, just move around them. But I know for a 100% fact if my brother had asked, she'd do it with no problem. I should add, I don't feel ill towards my brother. We're not super close, but he's still my brother. I absolutely put my family first, always have. I'm just wondering how much longer I should put myself out there. I wonder if I don't call/text she will see a different side of me. I think the real problem is that my brother NEEDS my parents. I don't.
Thanks for the quick replies. I feel pretty defeated at this point. I just wanted to show you a recent conversations via Text with my mom when she wanted to take my son to see the waterfalls.
Mom: Can we take (my oldest child) to Ithaca today?
Me: Who is we?
Mom: Me, your brother, his wife, and (my nephew)
Me: Sure, I guess. I'll have him get ready
Me: Just wondering...Why are you guys are always doing something together, and never invite my family?
Mom: Ok
She blantantly just ignores my concerns. More recently, what actually prompted this post, is that I asked her if she would help watch the kids while we move. It was an automatic no, I don't have time, they'll be fine, just move around them. But I know for a 100% fact if my brother had asked, she'd do it with no problem. I should add, I don't feel ill towards my brother. We're not super close, but he's still my brother. I absolutely put my family first, always have. I'm just wondering how much longer I should put myself out there. I wonder if I don't call/text she will see a different side of me. I think the real problem is that my brother NEEDS my parents. I don't.
You could well be right about all this and I can see you are disheartened by what you perceive is favoritism (which it may or may not be). I am sorry for that, but, the fact is the problem here is with you - horrible as that may sound to you right now. You may not be able to change the narrative, but you can change how you react to it.
Your mother may have ignored your text comment - and perhaps that was both annoying and rude .. no one is saying you don't have some reality here to deal with .. but it does seem as though they also invited your son along for whatever trip they were taking, even if they didn't include you. Is your son not part of your family too?
Harsh perhaps .. but you probably can't 'fix them'. You have to concentrate on fixing you. Somehow you have to shift your mind into seeing the positive .. they invited my son .. and not the negative .. she avoided answering my question and she didn't invite me. Don't see it as taking the crumbs. Try to see it as not the worst thing that has or could ever happen to you if nothing else.
I spent my entire life knowing my brother was the 'golden boy' and could do no wrong - and that no matter what I did, nothing was going to change that. I knew my parents loved me too - and yes, I did a whole lot more for them than he and his family ever did .. but so what? Life will never be completely fair for everyone as most of us know. When I did a 'reset' on my own mind and attitude eventually I could talk about it all with no rancor or envy .. it simply was what it was. There were times (I am not going to lie to you .. this is not easy) that I found myself angry at him for not having my back too when I felt he should have had .. but .. life goes on and if I wanted to be happy, I had to take the focus off him eventually and put it where it belonged .. on me.
What would your parents say if you asked them, "Why do you show favoritism to my brother?" I don't mean, "What would they say if you told them they show favoritism," see the difference?
Without accusing them, without tears and a big scene, without ultimatums, have you ever just simply sat your parents down and said, "When you do this (fill in the blank - go on vacation with my brother but don't go with me, go out to dinner with his family but not my family, etc) I feel rejected. What am I missing in this picture? What do you think I am doing to cause this difference in treatment?"
My sense from what the OP has posted is that this strategy wouldn't work. Notice how her parents gaslight her, and belittle her feelings. These are not parents who care.
The odd thing about families like this is that often it's the lackluster child who gets exalted as the favorite. It could be a simple thing like birth order, or maybe s/he had teachers who praised him/her in gradeschool, so the parents got the idea that child was some kind of genius. Or maybe it was the lone boy in an old-fashioned family that believed boys were more important.
And often when this kind of thing is going on, there's another child who gets scapegoated, even if that's the truly brilliant child who has been exemplary through school and later life. If that's going on, and the cold response to the OP's concerns raises that red flag IMO, the OP may be dealing with narcissistic parents, of whom this type of pattern is typical.
OP, aside from the focus on your brother, do your parents tend to be wrapped up in themselves? Does one (or both) of them tend to dominate conversations, and interrupt you in conversations? How many siblings are there, btw?
Thanks for the quick replies. I feel pretty defeated at this point. I just wanted to show you a recent conversations via Text with my mom when she wanted to take my son to see the waterfalls.
Mom: Can we take (my oldest child) to Ithaca today?
Me: Who is we?
Mom: Me, your brother, his wife, and (my nephew)
Me: Sure, I guess. I'll have him get ready
Me: Just wondering...Why are you guys are always doing something together, and never invite my family?
Mom: Ok
She blantantly just ignores my concerns. More recently, what actually prompted this post, is that I asked her if she would help watch the kids while we move. It was an automatic no, I don't have time, they'll be fine, just move around them. But I know for a 100% fact if my brother had asked, she'd do it with no problem. I should add, I don't feel ill towards my brother. We're not super close, but he's still my brother. I absolutely put my family first, always have. I'm just wondering how much longer I should put myself out there. I wonder if I don't call/text she will see a different side of me. I think the real problem is that my brother NEEDS my parents. I don't.
STOP THE PRESSES. Didn't your mom just invite your oldest to go along with them somewhere?
If I was her, and had just invited part of your family to do something, and then gotten a text message accusing me of not inviting your family along, I would not address it via text and when I got you on the phone I would be like "WHAT THE HECK?"
I think you may need to try to address this in person - without the accusations by the way, just ask questions - or just tell your mom what this FEELS like to you. "When you don't take us up on dinner invitations, it makes me feel like you're not treating my family with the same level of attention you're giving my brother's family." That sort of thing. That's not an outright accusation. See the difference? See how she takes that.
I'm not saying you're not justified, I'm just saying "Seek first to understand."
I just wanted to show you a recent conversations via Text with my mom when she wanted to take my son to see the waterfalls.
Mom: Can we take (my oldest child) to Ithaca today?
Me: No. You have to take all of my children, or none at all.
No more "I guess" and then whining about it later.
You need to stand up to them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.. and not the negative .. she avoided answering my question and she didn't invite me. Don't see it as taking the crumbs. Try to see it as not the worst thing that has or could ever happen to you if nothing else. 
