My parents disowned me for falling in love with a black man - I'm pregnant and my mom wants back in (father, husband)

[autumnhaze]

I’m 27, female and white. My fiancé is 33, male and black. I’m from America and he is from Nigeria. We met in college when I was studying for my Master’s, and he was doing his PhD. He came to the States four years ago. We’re engaged and get married next year. I’m also 6 weeks pregnant.

My parents have been against the relationship from the beginning. I mean, I’ll be honest – I kinda expected resistance. This was something completely new to them. My parents are pretty old fashioned. But I didn’t expect such great objection.

They were furious and demanded that if I wanted to remain in their lives, I should end it immediately. My dad was more passionate about his objection than my mom – he branded the relationship “disgusting and unnatural.” Of course, he claimed he wasn’t a racist (like a lot of racists claim) and that he thought “the races shouldn’t mix.”

Of course, I didn’t end it. Despite their continuous objections. Right before disowning me, they threatened to cut me out of their will. I told them to go ahead and they did, and we haven’t spoken in two years. I’ve been back to my hometown to see extended family and old friends (I’m an only child) on several occasions. I once bumped into them on the street, when I was with my fiancé. I said “hi” but they didn’t even respond. Acted like I didn’t exist.

When I told the people closest to me that I was pregnant, word reached my mom. My mom sent me an email. In the email, she was very remorseful for everything that happened. She said that she has always followed my father’s lead in matters (which is kinda true – they do have an old-fashioned relationship that sees the man as the head in most matters) and that yes, while she had her reservations about the relationship due to the background of my fiancé, her defiance wasn’t as passionate as my father’s. She said my father still hasn’t changed his stance, but she went on to write that she is willing to challenge – and even break from him – if that is required. She said she hopes I find it in my heart to forgive her and give her a second chance. She also said the same of my husband, and that she was ashamed by the way she had treated him.

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I’ll always love my mom and do believe in reconciliation. But it’s hard to erase what has happened over the last few years. I still remember the day of meeting my parents in the street, greeting them and being completely blown off. Like I was nothing to them. But my biggest concern isn’t myself – it’s my family. It’s our child.

Our baby is going to be mixed race and he/she is most likely going to face racial-oriented issues as they grow and make their own way in the world. My husband and I can’t protect our child from all the racial BS in the world, but we can protect our child from it when it comes within the family. I don’t fear conscious racism from my mom – but the kind of subconscious comments someone from a different time may make and think they are harmless in the face of a biracial child. When they are harmful.

After what happened, I’m not comfortable at all with the notion of leaving my baby alone with her. To add, I’m also an only child and part of me is wondering why my mom only reached out now. I’m her only chance at being a grandmother, and part of me is wondering whether this is just a vain attempt to satisfy her maternal instincts, and to blend in with all the friends who are also becoming grandparents. I also don’t like the situation with my father – my mother was honest, saying the man hasn’t altered his stance. I just predict a lot of drama coming from all this and I want no part in it.

I’ve spoken at length with my fiancé. He told me it’s my family, and he would follow my lead and support whatever decision I made. But he added that he did believe in second chances – he was given one when he was a teenager.

He had a very troubled childhood – abandoned by his father and his mother went from one man to another and neglected him – and he used alcohol to cope. He was an alcoholic by the time he was 16. Despite excelling academically, he drank every day. When he was 18, a Christian missionary from Germany was in Nigeria. He sponsored my fiance’s undergrad degree at a Nigerian university.

Instead of using the money the man was giving him to pay his tuition, he blew it all on booze and partying. He didn’t go to school. It caught up to him. The German found out, but didn’t give up on him. He got my fiancé help and assisted his sobriety.

My fiancé has been sober for 14 years now. After his rehabilitation, the German missionary paid for my fiance's undergrad degree once again and he completed it the second time around. He passed away 3 years ago, but my fiancé and I traveled to Germany to see him before he died. My fiance sees the man as his father. We also attended the funeral and my fiance was absolutely heartbroken. If we have a boy, we’re going to name our son after him. He has never forgotten the man’s incredible kindness and the second chance he gave him. And he asked me to keep that in mind as well.

It’s quite the complicated situation and I would like some input. I would also like input from those who have dealt with family estrangement.

Thanks

[Lucy_C]

Life is short -- forgive your parents. Even your father, and even if it's from a distance. It's okay to be cautious. Small steps, start with your mother and give her the chance to earn your trust again. Dad can follow if he's ever willing. And starting now is good, so you two can develop a relationship before the child comes.

[nurider2002]

I too believe in forgiveness, carrying resentment only hurts the person carrying it. That said, I would enter cautiously back into a relationship with the parents. As you said, unconscious bias directed at your child should not come from his/her own family. Perhaps you could begin communicating and maybe spending time with your mom and see how she treats your husband. If your father cannot/will not change, you may want to leave it alone. But maybe you can salvage a relationship with your mom. Best of luck.

[autumnhaze]

Originally Posted by nurider2002

I too believe in forgiveness, carrying resentment only hurts the person carrying it. That said, I would enter cautiously back into a relationship with the parents. As you said, unconscious bias directed at your child should not come from his/her own family. Perhaps you could begin communicating and maybe spending time with your mom and see how she treats your husband. If your father cannot/will not change, you may want to leave it alone. But maybe you can salvage a relationship with your mom. Best of luck.

In all honesty, I'm much more open to reestablishing a relationship with my mom, as opposed to my dad. He was much more passionate about his disapproval in the beginning, and he hasn't shown any kind of remorse or olive branch extending.

[gentlearts]

You and your husband should meet your parents halfway. Your parents only have you, and your fiancé has no one. Your child deserves a family, if possible.

Your fiancé sounds like a very special person, and I bet once your father gets to know him, he will grow to accept you both.

Your father fears the unknown and there is strength in knowledge.

[Heidi60]

You should be careful about anyone who is used to having others support his drinking, especially if you are an only child who would inherit from your parents. What are the chances of your child being an alcoholic also? You are letting yourself and child in for a lot of trouble so you should talk to a professional before you get any further involved. In time, I think you will see your father's wisdom and hopefully get back on track. There are many great guys out there without all that baggage.

[gentlearts]

Originally Posted by Heidi60

You should be careful about anyone who is used to having others support his drinking, especially if you are an only child who would inherit from your parents. What are the chances of your child being an alcoholic also? You are letting yourself and child in for a lot of trouble so you should talk to a professional before you get any further involved. In time, I think you will see your father's wisdom and hopefully get back on track. There are many great guys out there without all that baggage.

Come on, Heidi, the guy has been sober for 14 years, and has gone from nothing to having a stellar education. I think he sounds like someone who is very remarkable.

[autumnhaze]

Originally Posted by Heidi60

You should be careful about anyone who is used to having others support his drinking, especially if you are an only child who would inherit from your parents. What are the chances of your child being an alcoholic also? You are letting yourself and child in for a lot of trouble so you should talk to a professional before you get any further involved. In time, I think you will see your father's wisdom and hopefully get back on track. There are many great guys out there without all that baggage.

Interesting perspective.

My uncle (dad's old brother) is a recovered alcoholic. He's been sober 28 years (my fiance and my uncle get along very well). My uncle married a sober woman and they have 3 adult children. My cousins don't have issues with alcohol. Just because children have an alcoholic parent, it doesn't mean they will fall into the same trap because of genetics. My uncle ensured that his kids knew about what addiction did to him when they were growing up. He educated them and my husband and will do the same with our children. Is your stance that recovered alcoholics shouldn't procreate, or they shouldn't marry sober people?

I don't see my father's wisdom, because he IMMEDIATELY rejected the relationship before evening knowing my fiance used to have problems with booze as an adolescent. That tells you it wasn't about "wisdom," it was about race.

As for your statement about "anyone who is used to having others support his drinking." My fiance has an addiction that is a life long disease. However, someone who has been sober for fourteen years has developed a very strong defense and independence from alcohol. He is never complacent - he routinely attends AA and is involved in addiction recovery programs to help those new to recovery. And if he wanted to go back to drinking, he wouldn't need my inheritance. He has a good job and earns good money. He wouldn't need zilch from me.

Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there - and my fiance is one of them. Someone who pulled himself out from dire circumstances, fought against all odds and made a huge success of himself. Someone who is a loving, intelligent and beautiful man.

[autumnhaze]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

You and your husband should meet your parents halfway. Your parents only have you, and your fiancé has no one. Your child deserves a family, if possible.

Your fiancé sounds like a very special person, and I bet once your father gets to know him, he will grow to accept you both.

Your father fears the unknown and there is strength in knowledge.

Like I wrote before, I'm more open-minded about getting back in touch with my mom because she has extended the olive branch. But with my dad I am much less willing, because has shown no remorse. I know my dad. He is a very controlling, proud and stubborn man. Nobody can change his mind - only he can.

[gentlearts]

Originally Posted by autumnhaze

Like I wrote before, I'm more open-minded about getting back in touch with my mom because she has extended the olive branch. But with my dad I am much less willing, because has shown no remorse. I know my dad. He is a very controlling, proud and stubborn man. Nobody can change his mind - only he can.

Of course, if you are going to marry this man, your first responsibility is to him. Your fiancé should not need to suffer abusive behavior from your father. You can only try. Once you win your mother over, maybe she will help influence your father.

You need to have a straight talk with your father, and insist that you and your baby’s father be treated with respect, at the very least.