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Your life is your own, not theirs, if they chose to cut you out of their lives, then so be it...just remember, your happiness is most important and necessary to succeed in a relationship, no one else can "make" you happy.
When your children come along, they both may have a change of heart, don't be surprised if they do....and I'm certain, if they share their objection with friends, their friends will also help to set the straight.
I believe my generation as is there's it was in their culture to fear inter-racial marriages. I met a really really nice black man in my younger years, we had two dates, and I wanted to continue but my foster mom told me, they wouldn't accept him...so I had to make a choice.
We had so much fun together, laughed, he was upbeat and intelligent, diverse, enjoyed life, had a hunger for knowledge, we could have talked until the next day....
However, I ended it. He asked me if it was b/c he was black, I told him, "no, it's b/c I'm white".
Sad times. I often think about him and wonder where he is now...he was a very handsome person, inside and out.
I made a big mistake and regret that...b/c as loving as my foster parents were, I believe they would have eventually accepted him.
Thank you for this beautiful and insightful post. I do remember when I first told them and they demanded that I end the relationship. At the time, my fiance and I had been together for 3 months. Part of me did consider ending it. I was thinking from a perspective of not wanting drama in my life. So part of me thought the best course of action was to bid farewell. I'm so glad I didn't do that. It's unfortunate that your younger self was unable to pursue something with what sounds like a wonderful man. I guess your foster parents had fear of the unknown.
If you feel this way, then go ahead and repudiate your parents. Not that you haven't already done so. Perhaps that will make you happy and content.
The parents chose to repudiate their daughter. If they really loved her, they would want her to be happy. It's sad when people care so much about what others think that it affects their ability to love their family.
The only facts clear is that some people are racist enough to have a problem with white folks dating black folks. That is all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123
She did it anyway, despite the fact that she could easily find a white US citizen with decent background.
What about a Black US citizen? Would you still believe she must *honor* his Dad if he were to oppose it (and you know damn well he would)?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123
Her parents have friends, relatives, acquaintances, most of them I guess are conservative and old fashion like them. How they will look in their faces while telling them that their daughter is with a black person that impregnated her and even did not marry her? They are dying from embarrassment and shame, all their world collapsed, all their social connections are maybe dead now.
Seems like a time to develop some new social networks. Not all social/family networks are worth keeping (specially those tainted by bigotry and close mindedness.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123
For me it's huge disrespect.
Yes, her parents are old fashion. But they are her parents. You cannot change them. They are old. And you need to respect them.
You are using respect as a synonym to obedience. And obedience is right when it is right. There used to be a time when parents would sell their daughters in marriage (yes, sell) and daughters were supposed to "obey" and "honor" that no matter what kind if awful marriage was imposed on them.
Get a dictionary, man. You keep using the word respect, but you surely do not know what that means. Respect is bi-directional, and it is truly the case that her dad did not respect her.
Being old-fashioned is not justification for this. For that matter, the Taliban is old-fashioned and we certainly do not go around respecting them or what they do, do we?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mash123
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
Yeah well, since you are quoting the Bible, I'm pretty sure there are quite a few passages in it stating that all men (read people) are created equal.
But sure, knock yourself out cherry picking scripture.
...For me it's huge disrespect.
Yes, her parents are old fashion. But they are her parents. You cannot change them. They are old. And you need to respect them.
Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
If we're going Biblical, then read Romans 5:8. Christ died for mankind. Not just white people. People of all color. Everyone. Take a look at Galatians 3:28 while you're at it too.
If the parents have hate in their heart for their fellow man, then they're not honoring the Lord. The parents' children should not be following the parents' ways.
Life is short -- forgive your parents. Even your father, and even if it's from a distance. It's okay to be cautious. Small steps, start with your mother and give her the chance to earn your trust again. Dad can follow if he's ever willing. And starting now is good, so you two can develop a relationship before the child comes.
This ^^^^^
My friend went through the same issue, except SHE is the mother/grandmother. I could understand both sides of this. Angie was afraid for her daughter. Thought all black men were wife beaters/abusers. Just help educate your parents because parents are not perfect but I'm sure love you so much.
Once my friend eased off with the fear, she learned to really love her daughter's now husband. Her daughter now has twins
If you feel this way, then go ahead and repudiate your parents. Not that you haven't already done so. Perhaps that will make you happy and content.
I'm not the one who decided to cut contact with me due to my choice of partner. I'm not the one who decided to completely ignore (when we met in the street) and I'm not the one who decided to completely sever ties. I fell in love with a wonderful man and they didn't like it. That is on them. I have no obligation to marry and procreate with a man of their racial liking. This isn't the 1700s.
I emailed my mom back earlier today. We are gonna talk on the phone tonight. I'm very wary and I'm gonna tell her if this is to work, it's going to be completely on my terms or it isn't going to happen. The well-being of my fiance and our child comes first. I'm going to take it slow and carefully.
If OP forgives her mother, it won't mean that the neuro paths in her mother's brain will magically rewire themselves. She won't be able to constantly keep in check her learned behavior, like:
-being with her grandchild alone, she will still use derogatory slang referring to the child's father.
-being in the presence of her son-in-law, she will exhibit intolerant behavior, whether eye rolling, freezing, smirking, frowning, showing displeasure, criticising, being passive-aggressive.
Consider the effects of this on the child.
"I love you , Johnny!...... This ape of your father!..."
"But, grandma, I look like him! Do you understand that denigrating him, you denigrate me?"
She won't get it.
But the child will be growing up with this cognitive dissonance: loving his grandma while knowing that she hates anyone looking like him.
The parents chose to repudiate their daughter. If they really loved her, they would want her to be happy. It's sad when people care so much about what others think that it affects their ability to love their family.
It wasn't even really about caring what others think. I've had my mother's friends tell me they think her and my dad's actions have been disgusting, and many extended family member have echoed the same thoughts. It wasn't about other people. It was about their own prejudice.
If OP forgives her mother, it won't mean that the neuro paths in her mother's brain will magically rewire themselves. She won't be able to constantly keep in check her learned behavior, like:
-being with her grandchild alone, she will still use derogatory slang referring to the child's father.
-being in the presence of her son-in-law, she will exhibit intolerant behavior, whether eye rolling, freezing, smirking, frowning, showing displeasure, criticising, being passive-aggressive.
Consider the effects of this on the child.
"I love you , Johnny!...... This ape of your father!..."
"But, grandma, I look like him! Do you understand that denigrating him, you denigrate me?"
She won't get it.
But the child will be growing up with this cognitive dissonance: loving his grandma while knowing that she hates anyone looking like him.
Ridiculous. My friend who was so against the relationship has become educated with her feelings. She adores those twins, posts pics of them all the time, and loves her son'n'law.
your post was overboard assumptions
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