My parents disowned me for falling in love with a black man - I'm pregnant and my mom wants back in (wedding, brother)

[sheena12]

Originally Posted by autumnhaze

I’m 27, female and white. My fiancé is 33, male and black. I’m from America and he is from Nigeria. We met in college when I was studying for my Master’s, and he was doing his PhD. He came to the States four years ago. We’re engaged and get married next year. I’m also 6 weeks pregnant.

My parents have been against the relationship from the beginning. I mean, I’ll be honest – I kinda expected resistance. This was something completely new to them. My parents are pretty old fashioned. But I didn’t expect such great objection.

They were furious and demanded that if I wanted to remain in their lives, I should end it immediately. My dad was more passionate about his objection than my mom – he branded the relationship “disgusting and unnatural.” Of course, he claimed he wasn’t a racist (like a lot of racists claim) and that he thought “the races shouldn’t mix.”

Of course, I didn’t end it. Despite their continuous objections. Right before disowning me, they threatened to cut me out of their will. I told them to go ahead and they did, and we haven’t spoken in two years. I’ve been back to my hometown to see extended family and old friends (I’m an only child) on several occasions. I once bumped into them on the street, when I was with my fiancé. I said “hi” but they didn’t even respond. Acted like I didn’t exist.

When I told the people closest to me that I was pregnant, word reached my mom. My mom sent me an email. In the email, she was very remorseful for everything that happened. She said that she has always followed my father’s lead in matters (which is kinda true – they do have an old-fashioned relationship that sees the man as the head in most matters) and that yes, while she had her reservations about the relationship due to the background of my fiancé, her defiance wasn’t as passionate as my father’s. She said my father still hasn’t changed his stance, but she went on to write that she is willing to challenge – and even break from him – if that is required. She said she hopes I find it in my heart to forgive her and give her a second chance. She also said the same of my husband, and that she was ashamed by the way she had treated him.

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I’ll always love my mom and do believe in reconciliation. But it’s hard to erase what has happened over the last few years. I still remember the day of meeting my parents in the street, greeting them and being completely blown off. Like I was nothing to them. But my biggest concern isn’t myself – it’s my family. It’s our child.

Our baby is going to be mixed race and he/she is most likely going to face racial-oriented issues as they grow and make their own way in the world. My husband and I can’t protect our child from all the racial BS in the world, but we can protect our child from it when it comes within the family. I don’t fear conscious racism from my mom – but the kind of subconscious comments someone from a different time may make and think they are harmless in the face of a biracial child. When they are harmful.

After what happened, I’m not comfortable at all with the notion of leaving my baby alone with her. To add, I’m also an only child and part of me is wondering why my mom only reached out now. I’m her only chance at being a grandmother, and part of me is wondering whether this is just a vain attempt to satisfy her maternal instincts, and to blend in with all the friends who are also becoming grandparents. I also don’t like the situation with my father – my mother was honest, saying the man hasn’t altered his stance. I just predict a lot of drama coming from all this and I want no part in it.

I’ve spoken at length with my fiancé. He told me it’s my family, and he would follow my lead and support whatever decision I made. But he added that he did believe in second chances – he was given one when he was a teenager.

He had a very troubled childhood – abandoned by his father and his mother went from one man to another and neglected him – and he used alcohol to cope. He was an alcoholic by the time he was 16. Despite excelling academically, he drank every day. When he was 18, a Christian missionary from Germany was in Nigeria. He sponsored my fiance’s undergrad degree at a Nigerian university.

Instead of using the money the man was giving him to pay his tuition, he blew it all on booze and partying. He didn’t go to school. It caught up to him. The German found out, but didn’t give up on him. He got my fiancé help and assisted his sobriety.

My fiancé has been sober for 14 years now. After his rehabilitation, the German missionary paid for my fiance's undergrad degree once again and he completed it the second time around. He passed away 3 years ago, but my fiancé and I traveled to Germany to see him before he died. My fiance sees the man as his father. We also attended the funeral and my fiance was absolutely heartbroken. If we have a boy, we’re going to name our son after him. He has never forgotten the man’s incredible kindness and the second chance he gave him. And he asked me to keep that in mind as well.

It’s quite the complicated situation and I would like some input. I would also like input from those who have dealt with family estrangement.

Thanks

Your mother does sound truly remorseful. I would accept her apology and let her back into your life. I'm sure that she wants to see you - and her grandchild.


Your father did not apologize, and until he does inform you that he has had a change of heart and has reinstated you back into the will, I would not associate with him.
I do not believe in "coat tail apologies". When and if he regrets his actions, he will let you know. It does sound as though he was behind all of this, and from what you said, your parents do not have an egalitarian relationship.


Because your father is the "head of the household", I might forbid your mother to see you. It sounds as though your mother's love for you, supersedes your father's domination of their relationship, if she is willing "disobey" your father.

As a mom, I just can't imagine passing my child in the street and not saying a word.


If you don't feel comfortable leaving your child with your mother, you must have your reasons. Under the best of circumstances, I never used any of my children's grandparents as baby sitters or care takers. It's far less complicated to use a competent non-family member.

I wish you all the best,

[bxlover]

I am 47 and given up for adoption cause of my interracial status so many years ago. America has not changed ????????

[49ersfan27]

Give your parents a chance but move with caution.

It takes awhile for people like that warm up and change their views.

[GAngus]

Give your parents a second chance, but make sure they understand there will be boundaries (and it is up to you to tell them what those boundaries are).


And before you marry a foreigner, I suggest you check their paperwork and make sure it is all in order.

[Torontobase]

Hello Autumnhaze,

I haven't read past your first post.

This is how I see it from emotional and legal point of view. If you reconnect with your mother, you could be hurting your new love/your new husband to be and he is your top priority. Really, you are top priority to take care of yourself and live your life to feel happy, not by obligation.

Giving love is very important in life, not receiving. With that being said, you are not obligated to reconnect with your mother. The hurt happened and it is not something any child can brush off (even an adult child). Accept the apology and move on with your life, your new life, and your love for your husband.

If, and if, you do reconnect with your mother, you must have very, very strong boundries and she must respect it. Do not allow her to see pictures of your baby, don't talk about the baby and how it is growing up in life, see pictures of your husband and wedding pictures; also letting her know where you live. Just meet up with her at a restaurant, talk and then leave and do not do it frequently (once a year the most). Save your husband the emotional abuse from your mother.
I suggest this because your mother could hire a lawyer to fight for her rights as a grandmother to see the child and she could lie and call children aid so that your baby/child could be apprehended and you have to fight in court, get mental assessment done to prove you are a good mother and your baby is safe. There is a lot of invasion of privacy and children's aid in the USA and Canada is corrupt.
In fact, I would deny your pregnant because she could try apprehension at birth....you don't want that.

Your parents broke the parent child relationship and now, you are an adult and you have to think about your family and your baby. How in the world could any parent threaten their child deny of inheritance and control who you can date and be friends with? Then, later on, you bump into them, you were the adult and said "hello" and they ignored you. Think girl!!!!
You are the adult and saying your parents is old fashion is a lame excuse from them. We had Sept. 11th, do they deny that event? Common on girl!!! Think with your head otherwise maybe you are not fit to be a mother and your mother will contact children's aid. Do you really want to risk that?!

Don't risk your happiness and the healthy lifestyle of your child. The same for your new husband. Don't risk hurting him, even though he said second chance is good, you must think about the legality of it and I've seen plenty where the grandparents destroyed the next generation family by going through the legal system that support other family members having their rights and visitation.

Please be a strong woman. You are smart, I'm sure I would love to be your friend if I've met you and through your life journey, you may find another "mother" in your new life...you never know....just be smart and tactful, and think every single angle...and if you do reconnect, I expect later on, you will regret reconnecting with her.
In fact, you many have a new family. Your new husband found a "father" and maybe you will remain in contact with the "father's" family and who knows? Maybe your baby will learn the German language and know two languages. What a rich life for your baby!

[mash123]

I just cannot imagine the suffering your parents went trough. How a person can be so selfish? Was this African person the only decent guy around? Are you living on a tiny island? Why did you do this to your parents who fed and sheltered and were awake at night when you were a screaming baby?
The selfishness of millennials is just amazing me every day.

[greatblueheron]

Just a tidbit...

Knew someone, Libby, whose white teen daughter was pregnant by a black teen. The girl's family was so ramrod straight, such ugly gossipers about others, very rigid. Surprise, surprise...they had to adjust their racist viewpoints to learn acceptance...


Took some time but once that baby was born tolerance and acceptance miraculously appeared...

[Debsi]

Originally Posted by mash123

I just cannot imagine the suffering your parents went trough. How a person can be so selfish? Was this African person the only decent guy around? Are you living on a tiny island? Why did you do this to your parents who fed and sheltered and were awake at night when you were a screaming baby?
The selfishness of millennials is just amazing me every day.

Ick ick ick. Racist parents do not get to dictate the color of the life partner. This is America!

This has absolutely nothing to do with millennials.

[adjusterjack]

Originally Posted by autumnhaze

It’s quite the complicated situation and I would like some input. I would also like input from those who have dealt with family estrangement.

I have dealt with family estrangement on a couple of occasions.


I haven't read any of the other responses but my advice is let your mother back into your life and deal with your father later.


My guess as to the reason your mother wants back in can be summed up into one word "grandchild."


It's the emotional imperative of parents to want grandchildren.


I'm Jewish and married a Christian girl with 2 children from her previous marriage (long time age). My parents were against until it dawned on them that they had instant grandchildren and all was right with the world.


The other thing involved my sister. Her first major relationship and marriage was to a loser who was a druggie and got her into drugs as well. He was Jewish so my parents loved him and he could do no wrong in their eyes. He committed suicide when he was 35. Her next relationship was with a black man. My parents couldn't abide by that and there was an estrangement for about 20 years even though that relationship didn't last that long. Reconciliation takes place and later on it turns out that my sister is gay and is in a relationship with a black woman who is an absolute treasure. My parents, by then being older and wiser, accepted her with open arms.


So, yeah, reconcile with your mother for starters cause being estranged from parents is never a good thing. Your father may mellow out after time but if he doesn't that's his loss.

[nuala]

Originally Posted by mash123

I just cannot imagine the suffering your parents went trough. How a person can be so selfish? Was this African person the only decent guy around? Are you living on a tiny island? Why did you do this to your parents who fed and sheltered and were awake at night when you were a screaming baby?
The selfishness of millennials is just amazing me every day.

1. Does the selfishness of Barack Obama's parents amaze you, as well?

2. "Look who is coming for dinner" was filmed 50 years ago. The selfishness of baby boomers!

3. What is the difference between a "decent African guy" and a "decent guy"?