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Don't go all the way back in - ease in with mom and little dad on the side. Keep it so YOU and hubby control the situation(s).....
The most important thing here is really that you and hubby get along now and also after a kid (or two or three). Life presents many challenges and, sad to say, many couples don't end up lifetime partners. So work on that part and control the other part carefully, as it may influence the first part.
My parents are/were great. My wives parents are OK also. I and she have siblings also......but we do not spend a lot of time with any of them. It's a matter of influence and examples and comfort. Luckily, these days you can be "close" on some social media, email, etc. and Mom can keep up with pics, events, etc.
You are the boss. That is what being an adult is all about.
i was disinherited when i filed for divorce after 21 years of taking non-stop physical and emotional abuse. i literally was banned from all family functions by everyone, aunts, uncles, cousins. whatever. It was more important to consider " what will the neighbors think?" "what will the relatives say?" Appearances. As long as the outside of a house is neat, tidy who cares what hell is happening on the inside.
i had problematical parents. they had their own problems and demons, but when they called me up 10 years later, when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my father needed help, i showed up. did the right thing. i did it for me. not them. i did it because it was an important statement that despite everything, i had clung to my gracious, gentle heart. I set the terms. no more abuse of me. that was important. set your terms and anyone deviates or breaks your trust? well..... only you can know what you can tolerate. good luck. bright blessings.
As you said, your mother and father are old school and your mother followed his lead. She now realizes the error of her way. I completely understand this and I'd most certainly allow your mother a second chance but I'd make strict rules that this is HER chance, not your father's.
Whenever you or she wants to get together, it's without your father in the picture. Meet somewhere or have her come to your house. Your father might come around, but if he doesn't, it's his loss not to know his grandchild. At least your child will have one (hopefully) loving grandmother.
Your husband sounds like a gem! Hold onto that man!
Good luck and enjoy your wee babe when he/she is born.
Take your hatred and racism somewhere it will be accepted, like the Stormfront website.
The ignorance and vitriol of racists just sickens me every day.
I have no problems with mixed marriages if the parents are liberal and accepting. My point is that she knew that this will upset her parents. She could avoid it easily: She is young, no kids, she could easily find a person who her parents will accept. They are about 60% of the population, not 13%. But she choose to go the extra mile to upset her parents, or she just did not think about them at all. That how I see it.
I have no problems with mixed marriages if the parents are liberal and accepting. My point is that she knew that this will upset her parents. She could avoid it easily: She is young, no kids, she could easily find a person who her parents will accept. They are about 60% of the population, not 13%. But she choose to go the extra mile to upset her parents, or she just did not think about them at all. That how I see it.
My parents do not own me. I'm an adult and entitled to my own life. My parents can advise me, but that is all they can do. I've never met a man I have bonded with and loved as much as my fiance. Why should I sacrifice my happiness to appease their racism? Why should I ditch a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, to appease their racism?
I'm sorry, but it's my life, not theirs. They married each other and it was 100% their choice. I'm entitled to the same. You are an apologist for racism. People like you are one of the reasons it thrives, because you are content to look at it, shrug and say "well that is just the way it is. Respect status quo." I'm so happy and fortunate to have uncles, aunts and cousins who are not like my parents, and who have managed to see the worth of a person beyond their skin. A daughter's role is not to appease her parent's racism. If they have a problem, that's their issue - I won't let it get in the way of my life.
By the way, you don't have to be a liberal to not be a racist. A conservative man in the neighborhood my fiance and I live in married a black woman. When I was in college I was friends with biracial twins - their mom was white and their dad black. The grandparents had never objected. The grandparents were conservatives.
My parents have been against the relationship from the beginning. I mean, I’ll be honest – I kinda expected resistance. This was something completely new to them. My parents are pretty old fashioned. But I didn’t expect such great objection.
They were furious and demanded that if I wanted to remain in their lives, I should end it immediately. My dad was more passionate about his objection than my mom – he branded the relationship “disgusting and unnatural.” Of course, he claimed he wasn’t a racist (like a lot of racists claim) and that he thought “the races shouldn’t mix.”
It’s quite the complicated situation and I would like some input. I would also like input from those who have dealt with family estrangement.
Thanks
Well, I'm just going to cut to the chase here otherwise I could write a book about my parents and it would be about their humanity, goodness, strength of character and their devotion to all of their children, their grandchildren and our family. Were my parents perfect? No, they were not but truth be told I don't know anyone who is and I've lived a fair amount of time and had many life experiences.
My parents are from the south, moved to Chicago (for work) met, married and where we were all born and raised. I suppose anyone could make assumptions about what being from the south means but they would not have an inkling of what it really means, in our case. I would add they both come from "dirt poor" (literally), large families.
Here's where I "cut to the chase". One of my sisters met a black gentleman at school, fell in love, married and has children with him; they're all adults now and doing very well. This was "back in the day" when these pairings were not as frequent as one may find today.
My parents were surprised, to say the least, however they took it in stride and did not look back. They were both supportive and loving to my sister, her husband and their children and babysat frequently.
I am saddened by your circumstances because parental love is the "root" from where children learn their life's values and the truest meaning of love and sacrifice. If it were me and you have this opportunity to make amends with your mother you should do so. It seems apparent to me that your mother may have to spend time with you and your child in a secretive manner in order to avoid any disagreeable situations with your father. Of course this is not an ideal situation and you, your mother, husband and child may experience reprisals from your father. I can only hope that your father "comes around".
Best wishes for you and your family, all of them.
ETA: My parents sole concern from the beginning of this relationship was born out of apprehension for my sister, her husband and their children at the hands of "society at large". They could not have cared less what anyone (family, neighbors, etc.) thought. Bigotry and racism can be dangerous tools when it becomes evil enough to do harm to people.
Last edited by HomeIsWhere...; 09-20-2018 at 07:08 AM..
My parents do not own me. I'm an adult and entitled to my own life. My parents can advise me, but that is all they can do. I've never met a man I have bonded with and loved as much as my fiance. Why should I sacrifice my happiness to appease their racism? Why should I ditch a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, to appease their racism?
I'm sorry, but it's my life, not theirs. They married each other and it was 100% their choice. I'm entitled to the same. You are an apologist for racism. People like you are one of the reasons it thrives, because you are content to look at it, shrug and say "well that is just the way it is. Respect status quo." I'm so happy and fortunate to have uncles, aunts and cousins who are not like my parents, and who have managed to see the worth of a person beyond their skin. A daughter's role is not to appease her parent's racism. If they have a problem, that's their issue - I won't let it get in the way of my life.
By the way, you don't have to be a liberal to not be a racist. A conservative man in the neighborhood my fiance and I live in married a black woman. When I was in college I was friends with biracial twins - their mom was white and their dad black. The grandparents had never objected. The grandparents were conservatives.
If you feel this way, then go ahead and repudiate your parents. Not that you haven't already done so. Perhaps that will make you happy and content.
You should be careful about anyone who is used to having others support his drinking, especially if you are an only child who would inherit from your parents. What are the chances of your child being an alcoholic also? You are letting yourself and child in for a lot of trouble so you should talk to a professional before you get any further involved. In time, I think you will see your father's wisdom and hopefully get back on track. There are many great guys out there without all that baggage.
I have no problems with mixed marriages if the parents are liberal and accepting. My point is that she knew that this will upset her parents. She could avoid it easily: She is young, no kids, she could easily find a person who her parents will accept. They are about 60% of the population, not 13%. But she choose to go the extra mile to upset her parents, or she just did not think about them at all. That how I see it.
Your life is your own, not theirs, if they chose to cut you out of their lives, then so be it...just remember, your happiness is most important and necessary to succeed in a relationship, no one else can "make" you happy.
When your children come along, they both may have a change of heart, don't be surprised if they do....and I'm certain, if they share their objection with friends, their friends will also help to set the straight.
I believe my generation as is there's it was in their culture to fear inter-racial marriages. I met a really really nice black man in my younger years, we had two dates, and I wanted to continue but my foster mom told me, they wouldn't accept him...so I had to make a choice.
We had so much fun together, laughed, he was upbeat and intelligent, diverse, enjoyed life, had a hunger for knowledge, we could have talked until the next day....
However, I ended it. He asked me if it was b/c he was black, I told him, "no, it's b/c I'm white".
Sad times. I often think about him and wonder where he is now...he was a very handsome person, inside and out.
I made a big mistake and regret that...b/c as loving as my foster parents were, I believe they would have eventually accepted him.
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