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I just cannot imagine the suffering your parents went trough. How a person can be so selfish? Was this African person the only decent guy around? Are you living on a tiny island? Why did you do this to your parents who fed and sheltered and were awake at night when you were a screaming baby?
The selfishness of millennials is just amazing me every day.
The suffering her parentswent through? What about the OP and her husband to be?
She didn't "do" anything to her parents! Her parents rejected their daughter and her boyfriend. The parents are not the injured party here.
Millennialsamaze you? Your post and your narrow viewpoint amaze me!
I don know if this was addressed but the man who helped your fiancé was a Christian missionary, I think you said? He didn’t give up on your fiancé and continued to forgive him. Why? Because he loved him. I think forgiving your parents would please him. We forgive even when they don’t deserve it, as Jesus did on the cross when he said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Your parents are in the wrong. Forgive them. You don’t have leave your kid with them as proof. Baby steps. I wish you well as you go through this adventure.
There is a big difference between giving a teenager who had a dysfunctional upbringing a "second chance" (I almost bristle at that term in the OP's fiance's case - it sounds like the missionary gave him his first chance!) and adults who make bad choices that impact everyone around them negatively and pose a real threat to the OP's family.
You should be careful about anyone who is used to having others support his drinking, especially if you are an only child who would inherit from your parents. What are the chances of your child being an alcoholic also? You are letting yourself and child in for a lot of trouble so you should talk to a professional before you get any further involved. In time, I think you will see your father's wisdom and hopefully get back on track. There are many great guys out there without all that baggage.
BS.
Did you actually read what the OP has written about her husband, and how he has handled his alcoholism and for how long he has been sober, and his relationship with the German man who did so much to help him?
Your comments certainly do not read like you did, and they seem to be about a fantasy of yours and not her husband or her situation.
What? I am referring to a matter of faith. Perhaps you don’t share that faith and that’s fine. However the German man in her fiancée’s life did. He loved and forgave her fiancé and I am suggesting she do likewise with her parents based on the same faith. I was unaware I needed to prove anything to anyone including you.
Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. OP can forgive her parents all she wants (for her sake, not for theirs) but that doesn't mean she should open her family (her husband and child) up for abuse or undue stress.
OP, if you're up for it, I would suggest starting with a very limited relationship with your mother. I wouldn't talk about your pregnancy with her much. Just let her know some surface level things that are going on with you. Give it a few months and see how it goes. I would be very, very leery of having any type of relationship with your father. I think you already realize he's unlikely to change. The tough part is having a relationship with your mother without having one with your father. I'm curious where her loyalties really lie.
I'm sorry, it's hard for me to fathom how someone believes that "races shouldn't mix" and that racial mixing is "unnatural"? WTF. We're all human beings. We all bleed red. To put it in layman's terms if a golden retriever mates with a boxer, the result will still be a DOG, but with mixed heritage. Totally stupid. It's one thing to prefer to date within your own race but there's absolutely nothing unnatural about two people of different races pairing up and (gasp!) hooking up and (gasp!) having a child. My family has been doing it for a long time. No big deal!
My husband has a fractured family. His mother didn't really take care of him growing up, and she died when he was 25. Dad left him when he was a baby. The only person he keeps in close contact with is his half sister who is a few years younger. She lives in the UK, and we have met before. I love her. We get along.
Your Father probably didn't know this about your Fiance, but that type of background is probably part of what he feared in his daughter falling for an African American man. You and I both know Millions of African Americans do not have such a background, but your specific fiance does. The fact that you got pregnant before getting married is also not going to help your Father come around and probably in his mind reinforces (rightly or wrongly) the stereotypes in his mind. That's done now, but it is good to hear that you are moving towards marrying the baby's father and that moves your new Family towards a more normal path from your Father's point of view. If your Father never comes around the best revenge is living a good life, a life that involves careers, self-sufficiency, and well-adjusted children. Use it as inspiration, because the further you move away from that standard the more your Fathers concerns are validated.
I’m 27, female and white. My fiancé is 33, male and black. I’m from America and he is from Nigeria. We met in college when I was studying for my Master’s, and he was doing his PhD. He came to the States four years ago. We’re engaged and get married next year. I’m also 6 weeks pregnant.
My parents have been against the relationship from the beginning. I mean, I’ll be honest – I kinda expected resistance. This was something completely new to them. My parents are pretty old fashioned. But I didn’t expect such great objection.
They were furious and demanded that if I wanted to remain in their lives, I should end it immediately. My dad was more passionate about his objection than my mom – he branded the relationship “disgusting and unnatural.” Of course, he claimed he wasn’t a racist (like a lot of racists claim) and that he thought “the races shouldn’t mix.”
Of course, I didn’t end it. Despite their continuous objections. Right before disowning me, they threatened to cut me out of their will. I told them to go ahead and they did, and we haven’t spoken in two years. I’ve been back to my hometown to see extended family and old friends (I’m an only child) on several occasions. I once bumped into them on the street, when I was with my fiancé. I said “hi” but they didn’t even respond. Acted like I didn’t exist.
When I told the people closest to me that I was pregnant, word reached my mom. My mom sent me an email. In the email, she was very remorseful for everything that happened. She said that she has always followed my father’s lead in matters (which is kinda true – they do have an old-fashioned relationship that sees the man as the head in most matters) and that yes, while she had her reservations about the relationship due to the background of my fiancé, her defiance wasn’t as passionate as my father’s. She said my father still hasn’t changed his stance, but she went on to write that she is willing to challenge – and even break from him – if that is required. She said she hopes I find it in my heart to forgive her and give her a second chance. She also said the same of my husband, and that she was ashamed by the way she had treated him.
I’m conflicted. On one hand, I’ll always love my mom and do believe in reconciliation. But it’s hard to erase what has happened over the last few years. I still remember the day of meeting my parents in the street, greeting them and being completely blown off. Like I was nothing to them. But my biggest concern isn’t myself – it’s my family. It’s our child.
Our baby is going to be mixed race and he/she is most likely going to face racial-oriented issues as they grow and make their own way in the world. My husband and I can’t protect our child from all the racial BS in the world, but we can protect our child from it when it comes within the family. I don’t fear conscious racism from my mom – but the kind of subconscious comments someone from a different time may make and think they are harmless in the face of a biracial child. When they are harmful.
After what happened, I’m not comfortable at all with the notion of leaving my baby alone with her. To add, I’m also an only child and part of me is wondering why my mom only reached out now. I’m her only chance at being a grandmother, and part of me is wondering whether this is just a vain attempt to satisfy her maternal instincts, and to blend in with all the friends who are also becoming grandparents. I also don’t like the situation with my father – my mother was honest, saying the man hasn’t altered his stance. I just predict a lot of drama coming from all this and I want no part in it.
I’ve spoken at length with my fiancé. He told me it’s my family, and he would follow my lead and support whatever decision I made. But he added that he did believe in second chances – he was given one when he was a teenager.
He had a very troubled childhood – abandoned by his father and his mother went from one man to another and neglected him – and he used alcohol to cope. He was an alcoholic by the time he was 16. Despite excelling academically, he drank every day. When he was 18, a Christian missionary from Germany was in Nigeria. He sponsored my fiance’s undergrad degree at a Nigerian university.
Instead of using the money the man was giving him to pay his tuition, he blew it all on booze and partying. He didn’t go to school. It caught up to him. The German found out, but didn’t give up on him. He got my fiancé help and assisted his sobriety.
My fiancé has been sober for 14 years now. After his rehabilitation, the German missionary paid for my fiance's undergrad degree once again and he completed it the second time around. He passed away 3 years ago, but my fiancé and I traveled to Germany to see him before he died. My fiance sees the man as his father. We also attended the funeral and my fiance was absolutely heartbroken. If we have a boy, we’re going to name our son after him. He has never forgotten the man’s incredible kindness and the second chance he gave him. And he asked me to keep that in mind as well.
It’s quite the complicated situation and I would like some input. I would also like input from those who have dealt with family estrangement.
Thanks
Forgive your mother... after she apologizes to your fiance.
As for your father, well, you don't need to hate him, but forgiveness needs to be earned, and if he doesn't want to meet you and your significant other, then that's on him, not you (and neither your nor your fiance should need to meet him half-way for you have done nothing wrong.)
I've come from an abusive parental situation, so I know more or less the conflict that is in you (I think.)
But one thing I can tell you is this: you do not need negative hate in your life, even if it is from a parent.
Emotionally speaking, protect yourself. Life is too short to be carrying crosses that aren't yours to carry.
I just cannot imagine the suffering your parents went trough. How a person can be so selfish? Was this African person the only decent guy around? Are you living on a tiny island? Why did you do this to your parents who fed and sheltered and were awake at night when you were a screaming baby?
The selfishness of millennials is just amazing me every day.
Jesus Christ.
Either you believe parent's are masters and commanders of a child's personal life, or you have a problem with this lady having a love affair with a POC.
Either way, your post is like, wut????
No, we parents do not own our children.
I could be upset if my daughter were to date someone I know for a fact is a bad person.
But I cannot grasp at the notion I would be so upset at her for dating someone of a specific race and culture that I would disown her for it.
What kind of barbarian way of thinking is that? This is not a problem with Millenials (nor is it a Millenial think to feel love across race or culture.) Since when seeing people as equals is a Millenial thing? Maybe some people's book, but certainly not mine (and I'm sure as hell I am not a Millenial.)
It is a problem with you. Seek help.
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