Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have gotten really picky about using that word recently.
Dunno why.
I say coworker or person I know or lady at the club, etc.
People can be so damn fake. Just because someone smiles at you and is polite doesn't make that person your friend. I've worked with enough two-faced people to know that- you know, the smile in your face and then trash you behind your back types.
Germans are critical of how English speakers use the term friend especially since it is far looser than the German cognate, Freund which really refers to what Americans would call best friends, people so close as to be considered nearly family.
In the US, I do think that the term was a bit more restrained, say 40-50 years ago, but now it refers to virtually anyone we are well-disposed towards regardless of how well we truly know or trust that person.
Of course, Americans have terms like buddy, pal, homie (which usually connotes closeness), and, of course, the most distancing one, acquaintance, but we still tend to use friend rather liberally.
In German, in addition to Freund there is Kumpel, which is kind of like a pal, you know them socially and you will help them out, but they are not going in your will, and if you move 100 miles you might never talk to them again.
Then there is Gefährte, a companion more of convenience. I am not sure of the exact usage, but maybe someone you see often and are comfortable talking to, but you don't socialize with outside of work or whatever scenario in which you encounter them.
And there is Kamerad, a term that may be kind of loaded. Fllow gang member or conspirator? :-)
Any Germans want to correct my assumptions? I know a little German but don't claim to get the nuances.
By that definition, I have about 50 friends. And additional family members that number about 100. My definition of a friend is, "your name is safe in their mouth". They're always welcome in my home.
If the SHTF in your life, I guarantee you that there are not 100 people who would drop everything and put their own lives on hold to help you out. To me, that is what a friend does. You may set the bar lower... personal choice.
I knew a woman once who was very active in the community, belonged to several fraternal groups and volunteered at charitable organizations. Her home was a place where many friends could just drop by and always feel welcome. Nobody ever had a bad word to say about her. She sent out two different Christmas cards every year; one to close friends and family, one to more casual acquaintances. Usually it was about a 50/50 split, total around 300 cards a year.
Her husband got sick(cancer), and was terminal for about the last 6-8 months of his life. During those months, the circle of friends who stayed around to help out or just offer moral support dwindled to about 15-20.
When she needed them the most, so many of her ‘friends’ were just too busy, or couldn’t handle the situation.
We shared many of the same friends. To this day, I refuse to speak to some of them over the way they abandoned her and her family. No regrets for me.
If the SHTF in your life, I guarantee you that there are not 100 people who would drop everything and put their own lives on hold to help you out. To me, that is what a friend does. You may set the bar lower... personal choice.
I knew a woman once who was very active in the community, belonged to several fraternal groups and volunteered at charitable organizations. Her home was a place where many friends could just drop by and always feel welcome. Nobody ever had a bad word to say about her. She sent out two different Christmas cards every year; one to close friends and family, one to more casual acquaintances. Usually it was about a 50/50 split, total around 300 cards a year.
Her husband got sick(cancer), and was terminal for about the last 6-8 months of his life. During those months, the circle of friends who stayed around to help out or just offer moral support dwindled to about 15-20.
When she needed them the most, so many of her ‘friends’ were just too busy, or couldn’t handle the situation.
We shared many of the same friends. To this day, I refuse to speak to some of them over the way they abandoned her and her family. No regrets for me.
I can see that happening. While I don't know what she sacrificed all those years to be there for those people, 15-20 unrelated people sticking with you through thick and thin is not bad at all. That is basically the size of an extended family. `
Yeah, well, that's kind of why I do NOT see "friends" as people I expect to be there if my life falls apart or to rescue them in some way if theirs does. Because most times I've had a connection where I was very generous, the person has taken and taken and not given back. Guess part of it, is that I'm pretty capable and independent most of the time. I can find my way to cope with my own troubles, because I haven't had much support, people I could count on...or I haven't had the support because I appear not to need it I guess. But when everyone thinks you've totally got your sht together at all times, then what happens? You become the resource they try to tap. I don't actually HAVE the resources to give and give, never getting anything back, without harming myself and my life.
So no, I do NOT accept that definition of friend. "You'll let me show up and pile drama on your doorstep in the middle of any night." Uh, no, I've got to work in the morning. So sorry. "You'll give me a place to live if I lose my home." Uh, no, I do not take in strays. "You'll lend me money when I need it." Would you do that for me? "Oh, no, I'm broke!" Uh huh.
Nah, I'll take the kind of friends where we can all hang out at parties together, or get together over board games or go see a movie maybe, and sure I'll be a listening ear for your problems if ya need it, and it's nice if you'll do that for me too, but moral support is the only kind we expect of each other.
I had a friend once where he was there for me as much as I was there for him. He went out of his way for me, and I went out of my way with a big loan (which he repaid.) Then one day after all that, during a time my life was tough, he contacted me to ask for another large loan. I didn't have it, couldn't have done it if I wanted to. I had to say no. I haven't heard from him since. Is that "friendship?" When if they don't have the resources to come through for your every need, you stop talking to them? Yeah. So I have better results when those expectations are not there, I guess.
Yes, I do agree. On a side note, I think Facebooks term of "friends," is disingenuous. Maybe they should be called followers?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
