Friend wants me to contribute to the cost of a trip to visit me (appropriate, guilty)
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Any way you cut it, a trip is a luxury and not something like, "hey, I need $300 for a month or I'm being evicted".
Why this whole discussion took 17 pages is a mystery....or even why it was created....OP should stop being a weenie and bluntly tell them they can't afford it, even if it was initially their idea.
People come up with dumb "wants" all the time only to realize it's not a financial "Do".
The end.
Op, seriously, it's time you got some friends good at "adulting" that can answer such blatantly easy questions for you.
*Stands up, cigar jutting from corner of mouth as a single tear rolls down cheek, and begins slow clap that rises into a crescendo of applause as others rise and join him*
Yep. It's over. She has stage 4 cancer, money troubles, and her closest friend in the world moves away and is too busy counting his nickels and dimes to bother with her. I feel bad for her.
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Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
So do I.
Perhaps she has chemo brain. I've talked to cancer survivors who've told me the effects of chemo on thinking and memory can be profound and long-lasting. Her emails sound coherent but she could be misremembering things.
Travel is a luxury and I don't believe in going into debt for a luxury. It's not like the friend has asked the OP to go to her bedside because she's dying and he's refusing. She wants a nice vacation but he is training for a new job that he really needs and he's in debt. She hasn't suggested crashing on his couch. She's asking for help with a trip that will cost $200/day not including air fare. I think that is unreasonable given the OP's financial situation.
I would say, "Gosh, I would love to see you and show you SLC, but I'm just not in any position to be helpful with money."
Could your friend stay with you instead of at a hotel? Could you arrange to cook your meals together, avoiding restaurant expenses?
That’s what I was thinking too. My best friend moved to Florida several decades ago. When her and her kids come up to visit me they always stay with me even though I have a one bedroom apartment. We just put air mattresses on the floor and I have a futon in the living room. I make all the meals and then normally one night they take me out to dinner.
In any case, I would simply tell her that this is not a good time for you financially and perhaps the visit should be postponed. And then just leave it at that.
Travel is a luxury and I don't believe in going into debt for a luxury. It's not like the friend has asked the OP to go to her bedside because she's dying and he's refusing. She wants a nice vacation but he is training for a new job that he really needs and he's in debt. She hasn't suggested crashing on his couch. She's asking for help with a trip that will cost $200/day not including air fare. I think that is unreasonable given the OP's financial situation.
I actually read all 17 pages. People don’t need to keep repeating it.
The woman has incurable cancer. I feel bad for her. That’s all.
I actually read all 17 pages. People don’t need to keep repeating it.
The woman has incurable cancer. I feel bad for her. That’s all.
OK,I see your point. Perhaps overlook the way she is asking and scale down the cost of the trip so that half is more like maybe $400 and just do it as a gift to a dying person that would really like this trip.
Allow me to quote from the email my friend sent me requesting me to contribute financially toward the cost of a visit to see me:
"The trip will cost at least $1,500 (air fare is $451; hotel is $695 w/o tips for maid; cat sitter will be about $270, a ride to and from RDU (assuming I take a taxi which is about $50 each way plus a tip), and incidentals (food, tip for the hotel maid, whatever.....), food, etc."
I thought she was going to use her airline miles for the trip and that was part of why she was coming; because she does have miles to use to make it cheaper?
Quote:
Originally Posted by manyroads
"I really, really don't like having to point this out over and over, but I was generous toward you while you were here (and yes, you did buy me coffee, and lunch or dinner, and gave me gifts, flowers; trust me, I remember what you've given me, at least for the most part).....
Generally, when someone moves away and wants a friend to visit, the person who moved really should consider helping pay with at least 1/2 the trip, unless the one visiting has plenty of spare money. And, it is a long flight to UT, which is hard on my back and sciatica (to sit that long) so basically pretty much an all day travel day (and I have to get up by 5:00 a.m. for both legs of the trip, which is next to impossible for me to do). And leave my cats, one of which needs medication now. And I have to pack (which I never have liked doing), make sure I have things in order (bills paid, prescriptions filled, etc.)
Again, you have savings. So I don't understand why, in order to see me (and I am making sacrifices to come to see you), you aren't willing to help pay for the trip?"
So she has issues getting up at 5am then she shouldn't take such an early flight or maybe she should make it even easier on herself to book a hotel near the airport so that she doesn't have to get up so early (LMFAO)...
She's guilting you about having to get up so early and all she has to do with packing for the trip!
How does she know what kind of "savings" you have if any? She doesn't have access to your banking...
Quote:
Originally Posted by manyroads
Do you still feel as if my friend wasn't looking for some form of payback for the help she extended me?
Oh, she's looking for a huge payback at your expense and trying to guilt you into doing it. As far as we all know you are considering paying something towards her trip but it's looking like she'll get nada..
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Originally Posted by manyroads
Are you saying that I am not a good person because I don't feel obligated to contribute to the cost of a trip that one of my friend's wants to make to see me... a trip that I did not ask her to make?
It's not that I wouldn't look forward to her visit (or a visit from any of my other friends back East), but I'm not in a financial situation to contribute toward the expenses of such a trip. Just because I now have a FT job does not mean that I will still have that job next March, or that I'm suddenly rolling in money. I am still well behind my peers financially, believe me. I know a friend of a former friend back in NY who retired from Verizon in her fifties and was given a lump sum payment of $400K when she left. If I had that kind of money, my friend might have an argument to make about me paying for her trip. But nobody has given me a check for $400K (or anything remotely close to that) the last time I checked. I'm just trying to pay my bills every month like everyone else.
You're noit in a financial position nor is your job secure yet. You can't possibly plan for her to come when you don't know if you'll still be there. It's really wasteful for her to come until you've built up some vacation time so that you can spend it with her. Humor me; let's say she is still coming; how much time would you really have to see her? If your replies here tell us anything; it's that you really do not even have time to come here to keep up; or you have a little time to read but not reply. That doesn't make for a good visit and if her email can tell us anything; it's that if she comes and goes home, you'll end up with another email from her saying what a waste it was for her to spend all that time and money to see you when you didn't have time to visit with her... I'd put money on it too.
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Originally Posted by manyroads
Thank God there's at least a few people here who have the common sense to realize that. It's hard enough trying to make a career change when you are over 50. When I lived in Raleigh, I couldn't even get a job at Walmart, Target or Best Buy to try to make some money to pay some of my expenses. Regardless of what the employment laws say, reverse discrimination and age discrimination do exist.
I am competing with people in my training class who are several years (generations, actually) younger than me. I have to prove to my employer that I can do this job as good as they can, and will not take unneeded time off due to possible medical issues or just not having the energy to keep up with the demands of the job (long and irregular hours). There is no guarantee that I will be able to complete the training and still be in the job when my friend would like to visit.
The job market must be horrible in Raleigh if you couldn't get a job at any of those places. I recently told my neighbor that her hub should try applying because they give decent benefits at Walmart. I'd rather make $11 an hour then sitting at home getting zero dollars. Especially since my neighbor is also out of work; she was the main bread winner because he can't find a job.
I'm still curious about her cancer and what you know about it.
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Originally Posted by manyroads
I have left a few people "twisting in the wind" as you said lately, not just the person who is the subject of this thread. My brother called me over the weekend and I have not yet returned his phone call. I normally call a friend of mine in New York every weekend, and did not call him this past weekend. I told another person that I would call her once I got settled in here, and I still haven't done that.
The training for this new job has been much more involved than I had anticipated. There is a lot of information to take in, studying to do, and the adjustment to the work hours is also a challenge for me. So far I've managed to hang in (2 of the original training group have been disqualified due to not passing an exam, and 2 others have dropped out on their own), but I still have another six weeks of training and more evaluations to get through. When I'm not working, sometimes I just need some "me time" when I don't have to think about work or errands I need to do and just don't have the time to give to friends or family.
As it turns out, my friend seems to have grown impatient waiting for me to give her an answer about her trip, so she has decided to cancel the trip.
Excerpts from her email:
"Because I have still not heard from you in response to my heartfelt email discussing your contribution to my trip, I have decided to cancel my trip.
Before you left I recall you said you thought would pay for half of the trip. That is one reason I was going to come out there. Somehow that changed to "I don't know how much I can contribute..." that phrase leaves the possibility that you won't want to contribute anything because, once again, it will be based on your needs, what your job situation is at that time and how much money you have in the bank or in savings. I cannot keep plans to travel to see you when I don't even know how much you are willing to help out. "
"I spent many hours looking at hotels and flights in order to come out to see you. I was looking forward to the trip and meeting (the owner of the Airbnb I stayed at). I was even willing to take a long flight in spite of my lower back and sciatica pain.
The least you could do is offer to pay for a fair amount of my trip since it's me who has made all of the arrangements, do the traveling, hire a cat sitter, etc."
So, there you have it - because I did not respond to her request for a financial contribution toward the cost of her trip in what she felt was a timely manner, she has made the decision to just cancel the trip entirely.
When she initially voiced the idea of making a trip out to SLC to see me (before I had left Raleigh), naturally I was excited at the idea of having a friend come to visit. When she asked or suggested that I contribute to the cost of the trip, what I believe I said to her was that I would think about it, or that we would talk about it later. There is no reason why I would have said that I'd be willing to pay for half the cost of the trip, knowing that I may not even still have the job by the time she was planning to visit. I don't know where she got that idea from, but her memory is not as good as it used to be due to the prescription medications she is on.
I was not looking to just write-off my friend and get her out of my life, but I was taken aback by her request that I pay for most of the expense of her trip and trying to justify that request by implying that I owed her that due to what she had done for me (giving me gas money, taking me to coffee or lunch) while I lived in the same city as her. No other "friend" that I have known in my lifetime has ever put a monetary value on things that they have done for me and then expected repayment for those things.
I told my friend that while I would have liked to have seen her, as others on C-D have suggested, I think there were ways she could have brought the cost of her trip down and that we probably could have come to an agreement had we talked about this. I also said that I thought that the timing of the trip was not good as I still do not yet feel secure in my new job and don't know if I'll even still have the job next March.
I want to thank all of you who provided replies to my thread for the time you took to offer your advice and suggestions.
Uh, well geez.. She wants you to pay 1/2 the trip because she did all the work to find the travel info? Are you kidding me?
Thankfully she decided to cancel the trip... Or has she? Something tells me she'll be emailing again asking...
If she does email; tell her what you've told us here as well as your money management program. Hopefully that will shut her up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by manyroads
The original email she had sent got lost before I had a chance to read it, and after she sent it to me again I hadn't read it myself until today (hence why I hadn't given you the details before).
I will give my brother a call tonight!
No, we just had a close platonic relationship (which is why I posted in this forum). Sometimes when we went out to events, other people assumed that we were a couple or were married. She also joked to other people that we argue like a married couple (which sometimes was probably true). I think she expects more of me since she considered me her closest friend during the time I lived in Raleigh, and now she does not have a close friend there or anyone she can depend on.
Honestly, if she treats her close friends like she's treating you with the emails and expecting you to pay 1/2 then I could see why she doesn't have many friends. I doubt many people would put up with counting who paid what and did what...
Quote:
Originally Posted by manyroads
Here is a perfect example of where she could reduce the cost of the trip if she wanted to. She refuses to use Uber or Lyft due to concerns about her safety in a car with a complete stranger as a woman (actually, I can't argue that with the documented number of incidents between male rideshare drivers and female passengers. There's actually a website that lists incidents related to ridesharing companies.)
Then she doesn't like to drive at night, which is one of the reasons why I was almost always doing the driving any time we went out together.
But, she could have just driven her car to the airport herself and left it in the long term parking lot there like I did when I went out to SLC for my job interview. She could have also asked another friend to take her to and from the airport.
I'm not sure about the availability of a shuttle to the airport where she lives.
Would parking at the airport for the stay be cheaper then a cab?
Quote:
Originally Posted by manyroads
Actually, I know for a fact that her stepmother is a millionaire, and I have met her in person. My friend has told me about money her stepmother has spent on family members for their college education, to keep them afloat financially while they were out of work/on disability, and the amount of money she has spent on my friend's medical expenses. If you have never had cancer or known someone who has, you have no idea how expensive the doctor visits, exams and medications can be. It is really outrageous how much the drugs cost that she uses, and insurance does not pick up all of the cost.
My friend often does not want to ask her stepmother for assistance with certain bills (such as with the cats) because she has paid so much money toward her medical expenses already.
OK, I can see some of you are questioning why I kept records of how much money I have spent related to my friend when I was criticizing her for doing the same thing with me.
The only reason why I have any idea at all of how much money I have spent on her (or what I received from her in gas money or reimbursements) is because I try to keep track of everything I spend (including cash expenses) in money management software so that I can look at where I spend my money and make any adjustments in my spending if necessary. I am generally not good at saving money so keeping track of my expenses forces me to take a look at where my money goes and to make adjustments if necessary.
I went into the software program and looked at entries that had my friend's name because she has put me on the defensive about how much I have spent on her relative to what she has spent on me.
This issue has been resolved, folks. Friend is not visiting, and with her physical and financial problems it is probably best.
I think we should cut the OP some slack here. He can’t afford to subsidized friend’s trip. And he is actively involved in a rigorous training period. Friend’s timing is way off.
Sometimes you have to prioritize your own survival.
I do think it is a shame friend can’t visit, and I suspect that because of the nature of her progressive disease, the door of opportunity is swinging shut for her. I also think the OP should show his gratitude in some way to her. He has acknowledged that she did help him out when he was in need of friends. How he does this he should decide.
Roselvr said: Honestly, if she treats her close friends like she's treating you with the emails and expecting you to pay 1/2 then I could see why she doesn't have many friends. I doubt many people would put up with counting who paid what and did what..
I seriously wonder why folks even keep 'friends' like this in their lives. The only people who would put up with this foolishness, in my opinion, are those too afraid to cut the person off or someone who is utterly convinced that they are securing a nice high rise apartment in Heaven by allowing themselves to be constantly degraded on Earth.
Roselvr said: Honestly, if she treats her close friends like she's treating you with the emails and expecting you to pay 1/2 then I could see why she doesn't have many friends. I doubt many people would put up with counting who paid what and did what..
I seriously wonder why folks even keep 'friends' like this in their lives. The only people who would put up with this foolishness, in my opinion, are those too afraid to cut the person off or someone who is utterly convinced that they are securing a nice high rise apartment in Heaven by allowing themselves to be constantly degraded on Earth.
Roselvr and BobCaldwell, have you read the whole thread? It seems that the OP was taking advantage of the friend's generosity before he moved.
Roselvr and BobCaldwell, have you read the whole thread? It seems that the OP was taking advantage of the friend's generosity before he moved.
Get off it already, redplum. I don't know what your issue is with me, but it's pretty obvious from the posts you've made here that you have a negative attitude toward me. If I'm not mistaken, it's against the rules of the forum to make personal attacks against another member, which is seemingly all that you are doing here.
I think it's YOU who should go back and read through the entire thread. I've already stated previously the many things that I've done for my friend to reciprocate what she had done for me while I lived in Raleigh. Because she didn't like to drive at night, and she thought that the drivers in Raleigh were reckless and worried about getting into an accident, it was me that was constantly driving whenever we went anywhere. I had to drive 20-25 minutes from my apartment to hers, and then drive in the opposite direction past my apartment to take her for back injections (she also has back issues that required her to have surgery), driving a total of 80+ miles in one day for this trip alone. I've taken her out to coffee at Starbucks several times, as well as out to lunches and dinner. I've gone over to her apartment at her request when she said that she needed someone to be there with her during severe storms in the area. I'm getting really tired of being made out to be the bad person here because I didn't feel obligated to shell out hundreds of dollars so my friend could make a trip (that was HER idea, btw) to SLC.
As for your previous post about my counting my nickels and dimes, I'm trying to get back on my feet financially after an extended period where I was not making enough money to even cover my normal expenses every month. I'm not buying anything that isn't absolutely necessary, no luxury items and not taking any trips. Just because I now have a FT job, doesn't mean that I'm suddenly rolling in money. I didn't just win the lottery.
As the saying goes, if you don't have anything good to say, perhaps it's better to say nothing.
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