Asking family member to let me know what I do that bugs them, to improve Thanksgiving? (wife, person)
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For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.
My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.
Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.
Well, the one thing that's obvious here is that neither you nor Jane is odious enough to not be invited.
You already know what your brother is like.
Unless you can accept with equanimity whatever he says, I wouldn't open that door.
I think that once opened, even if you tried your very best to be the perfect guest, he would now have your permission to treat you as a doormat when he thinks of other reasons you annoy him. Sounds like fun!
What do you think you would gain from asking? Like he's going to give you a gold star for awareness or something?
I would not ask for the "ground rules". If you give it some thought (especially since your family is very direct, as you said) you will find that you probably already know what the ground rules are.
Do everything you can to help your kind and gracious sister in law while you're there. Keep a low profile with your brother so you don't give him too much ammunition. (I write this about your brother because you imply that he probably finds fault with you as well as Jane. Disarm him)
For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.
My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.
Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.
Thanks.
How about asking your brother's wife instead? You said she's very kind and very gracious.
Tell her what you told us, and maybe say "I know that Jane and I step all over brother's nerves...what can I do to help alleviate that?"
I'm going to guess that if brother does indeed bellyache about Jane and you, the wife will know what he thinks. And because she's kind and gracious, she will tell you in the kindest way she knows how.
I don't know that your brother would necessarily give you a list. If he's the one who didn't want to meet up in your last thread about visiting, I would think he would deflect.
I agree that you should ask Jane or your sister-in-law. But asking in itself may be one of the annoying things.
OP, what do you REALLY think is the problem in your family? Are you and Jane really annoying, or is your brother just too sensitive and hard to get along with?
OP, what do you REALLY think is the problem in your family? Are you and Jane really annoying, or is your brother just too sensitive and hard to get along with?
Thanks. Both items you list are problems. My brother and sister in law do not like Jane and me--that's clear--but they probably figure that they "have" to tolerate us on infrequent occasions because otherwise there is no family whatsoever, other than a few of SIL's relatives. SIL is totally blameless- she is a wonderful person, and it's not "required" to like someone.
Thanks. Both items you list are problems. My brother and sister in law do not like Jane and me--that's clear--but they probably figure that they "have" to tolerate us on infrequent occasions because otherwise there is no family whatsoever, other than a few of SIL's relatives. SIL is totally blameless- she is a wonderful person, and it's not "required" to like someone.
The sister in law is a wonderful person and blameless, but she doesn't like you?
Why are you forcing a holiday meetup with people who don't like you just because they are family.
WHY do they not like you?
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