Asking family member to let me know what I do that bugs them, to improve Thanksgiving? (husband, siblings)
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Thanks. Both items you list are problems. My brother and sister in law do not like Jane and me--that's clear--but they probably figure that they "have" to tolerate us on infrequent occasions because otherwise there is no family whatsoever, other than a few of SIL's relatives. SIL is totally blameless- she is a wonderful person, and it's not "required" to like someone.
For Thanksgiving, one family member ("Jane") and I are heading to my brother's house for a 24-hour visit. My brother and his family dislike Jane and constantly tell me how much Jane bugs them. I'm sure that they think the same of me.
My family is very direct. I'm thinking of emailing my brother before the visit, saying, "You tell me how much Jane bugs you, and I don't want to be a Jane, so just let me know specific things I've done in past visits that annoy you all, so I won't do them again." I'm sure that my brother would respond with a whole list of things. His wife is the kindest and most gracious person, and she might find that odd.
Question: Good idea to ask for that kind of feedback before going? I figure that it's better to know the "ground rules" in advance, to make for a better trip, but it's certainly not a normal thing to ask for.
Thanks.
This is precisely why we only have immediate family members at our special Holiday sit downs. We want that dinner to be special, and when you interject more distant relatives into the mix, it is sometimes testy. So much more pleasant when only your close family is there, no brother in laws, etc.
Jane has no idea that she's not liked. She invites herself to their house frequently, and they allow her to come a few times a year.
I don't know why I'm not liked, but it's clear that I am not. Fine by me, although I'd prefer to change whatever behaviors I'm doing that result in not being liked--I'd rather know what they are. When I go, I try to just say as little as possible and stay away from the relatives as much as possible, to minimize bugging them.
OP: This is a terrible idea. Why would you give those people that kind of power? And you are throwing "Jane" under the bus, so you aren't that "nice" yourself.
Why would you want to hang out with such nasty people?
Jane has no idea that she's not liked. She invites herself to their house frequently, and they allow her to come a few times a year.
I don't know why I'm not liked, but it's clear that I am not. Fine by me, although I'd prefer to change whatever behaviors I'm doing that result in not being liked--I'd rather know what they are. When I go, I try to just say as little as possible and stay away from the relatives as much as possible, to minimize bugging them.
I'd rather just stay home, frankly.
Well, good heavens, then do so.
If they already have a bad opinion of you, how much worse can staying home make it?
The solution is so blindingly obvious: don't go. If neither your brother nor your sister-in-law like you, and you don't seem to like your brother either (though you do speak well of your SIL), then why subject yourself to all this frustration?
And how is Jane involved in all this? Is she also part of this family? Or is she connected to you (such as being your girlfriend) but is not related to your brother or SIL?
Assuming that Jane has a relationship with your brother and/or SIL independently of yours, it's up to her to decide whether or not to go. But I see no upside to you going, and plenty of upside to staying home (with or without Jane).
OP, I don't think your idea is terrible, but I think the timing of it is. I understand wanting to get to the root of whatever the problem is, but if you do it now it will be on everyone's mind during the holiday. That seems like it would make for a long, uncomfortable day for all of you. If it were me, I'd very delicately bring the subject up at some more neutral time, like mid June or something.
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