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My friend's ex girlfriend tried to have sex with me a few weeks back. We're all in college. We were at a birthday party for a mutual friend. My friend ended up drinking too much and dozed off prematurely. I don't drink. When I turned 18 last year, I worked in a nightclub as a bartender on weekends. Dealing with drunk people and seeing the stuff that generally goes on with alcohol really put me off. Anyway, I slept in one of the guestrooms that night. In the early hours of the morning, my friend's ex girlfriend came into my room. She slipped into my bed. She was half naked.
She tried to kiss me and I rejected her. I was angry, not only because she was my friend's girl, but also because I have a girlfriend of my own. I told her to leave the room. She apologised and cited alcohol as the reason for her behavior. She told me to keep what happened to ourselves, as it was "nothing but drunken mistake."
I didn't buy it. What happened was a culmination of behaviour she has displayed towards me since I got here. In the first weeks on campus, I hooked up casually with one of her friends. Throughout that time she would always flirt with me and give me signs. Even when she started dating my friend, she would send me subtle, flirtatious messages (which I largely ignored or if I didn't, I would quickly change the subject).
I told my friend what happened the next day. Understandably, he was torn. He thanked me for being honest with him and proceeded to break up with the girl. I knew that things would probably change between us in the aftermath - I knew it would be a bit awkward and all. I thought we would eventually get past that. But it looks like what happened may signal the end of our friendship. He is completely distant and detached from me. When I reach out, he responds with stuff like "I'm too busy," etc.
The other night, myself and a few of the guys were playing a sports videogame and placing bets. It's something our social circle does frequently. I'm always teamed up with my friend. However, that night he said he wanted to team up with someone else. Which was cool. However, when my teammate and I beat him and his teammate, he threw the console controller on the floor, smashing it, and proceeded to called me a "f**king cheat." He then stormed out. The guys told me his anger had nothing to do with the videogame, but rather, what happened with his ex. I agreed. This really sucks, because he was the first person I befriended on campus. I'm German/Ghanaian and he is Dutch. We're both studying in the States. With both of us being from Europe and hailing from neighbouring countries, we established a rapport and had good chemistry. We made plans for me to visit him and his hometown in the The Netherlands over the summer next year.
I'm pretty close with my maternal grandfather and I spoke to him about the situation on the phone. He jokingly began with saying that a friendship between a German and a Dutchman was doomed from the beginning. He said my friend probably sees me as a painful reminder of his ex's betrayal, and so it's difficult for him to be around me. He told me space and distance between us may cure all (which is kinda hard cause we live in the same dorm). He said time may cure all, but if it doesn't, I should be prepared to let the friendship go and move on.
What are your thoughts?
Last edited by die mannschaft; 11-24-2018 at 04:56 AM..
well kudos for having some morals many guys your age would take whatever is there...
you need to use your words...if you dont want her tell her to back off.....and tell her the reasons for it....easy!
again kudos to you for taking the high road....
also talk to your friend......clear the air...tell him you resisted her advances...
You're right about using my words. I can be pretty evasive when it comes to sensitive topics, and this is what happened here. I didn't want to directly confront her attraction towards me because it was a sensitive topic, so as usual, I evaded, instead of dealing with it. I think perhaps this wouldn't have happened had I put my foot down initially.
I have talked to my friend. He knows I resisted. He confronted her and she didn't deny any of it. She told him I resisted. But it doesn't seem to matter.
I don't think the friendship is over. You didn't have sex with his girlfriend. You were honest about what happened and did nothing wrong. It's possible that you won't be in contact as much going forward, but he won't have any negative feelings about how you behaved in the situation.
You don't know if he brought anything up to her, and if he did, maybe she said something about you to throw you under the bus?
Or he just doesn't believe that you "didn't do anything" as you said in the OP "she said to keep what happened to ourselves"?
Oh yeah it's over between them. That's what definitely happened.
As for her saying something to him, that us possible. However he told me she admitted to what happened and said she was sorry. He told me she told him nothing happened between us and that I rejected her. However she could have said something to him to, as you say, throw me under the bus. I wouldn't really be privy to such information.
Give him time and space. Be kind but stay distant. And stay wwwaaayyaway from her.
This really is his thing to get a handle on. You did everything right. He just has to figure out what to do with his anger... of course betrayal enrages him but directing it at you is inappropriate. The thing is it’s probably hard for him to process being super mad at her if he really cared for her. So now he’s just a little ball of angry going in every direction (and some at himself too).
It sounds harsh but it’s not really your problem. This is on him.
It sounds to me like he’s blaming you (which he shouldn't) for finally having to call it quits with the girlfriend, probably hanging onto some hope there with her which you forced him to realize was ill-founded....sounds, to me, like your gramps nailed it.
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