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I just want to add that we grandparents/parents of grown children need to make an effort to connect and visit. Not long, frequent visits, but enough to know your family members.
I would walk 500 miles in snow to see my children and grandchildren, you couldn't keep me away. That said, there are a few entitled, healthy folks in our family who wouldn't think of making an effort to travel to see their grown children and their families, they would rather complain that they don't visit them enough or call enough. The road goes both ways.
It's extremely sad to see. I think many of the grown children feel rejected over and over and are just done.
I think my relationship with both of my adult children is pretty good. One key is that I recognize them as adults that can make their own decisions. I know they will make mistakes along the way. It's hard to accept that, but you have to do so. That applied no matter their age really.
As an example, our son is contemplating a job change. When he was home over the holidays I took some time to tell him that we (his father and I) know he will make a great decision, but we will offer him our advice and insights. He doesn't have to take our advice, but it's there. I also reminded him that we are always here to listen. At 25 he's dealing with a tough work environment for the first time as his employer is planning to let people go all over the country. He's "safe," but it's hard to work at a place with lots of 20 year olds facing this for the first time. It's a depressing place to be and means a big change in what he was planning to do.
My husband, our two kids and I have always enjoyed our time together, and we continue to do so. We've been on a couple of family vacations since they've been adults. This also included our son-in-law. We're in the planning stages of another one after we see where our son lands over the next 4-6 months.
I've explained to our kids that I've never been a parent to adult children. I may get some things wrong, and they feel comfortable telling me about it. They always have been pretty honest with me and have correctly called me out on things in the past. I try not to interfere and with any advice or suggestions I let them know that is all it is: a suggestion, not a demand. Our relationship is intentional. I've tried to carry that over with our son-in-law, but that is another post
We get along well enough that she voluntarily came back to live with us to finish the last year of her degree, at the age of 23. And we talk about real things. She is dying to get back out on her own, and I see that as a sign we've done something right. I want a relationship because we both want one, not because we're in the same house because she can't manage to make her own life.
We do give her as much privacy as possible. We've never dug into her social life. I worked in her high school, so I knew way more about what was going on than most of the parents, but even then I tried to keep out of stuff as much as possible unless she asked for advice. My parents were largely the same, and I had a relationship with them right until they both passed away. I had my frustrations with them, but nothing that we couldn't deal with. My inlaws were the same. My husband and I were very lucky that we had such good grandparents for our kid.
My husband and I have one 29 year old son. We always talked to and treated him as a person, deserving of respect. He never was spanked. He knows he can trust us and that any problem that arises will be dealt with as a family. We never skimped on telling him how proud we were of him. But there definitely were times when he heard that something disappointed us, too. (Not that he disappointed us... the choice he made did. It's hard to take it back when you tell someone that they disappoint you. But you can definitely be disappointed in the choices your children make and they understand that they should make better choices in the future.) There were times when I told my kid to straighten up or there would be consequences. And there were times when I was too quick to raise my voice and I would apologize to him... just like I would to my husband or a friend.
He is now a terrific student who cares deeply about others- humans and animals. He is independent, but checks in with us often. (He lives in a different state to attend school.) He and I often do artwork together when he is back with us, and we share the same sense of humor, so we have a lot of silly jokes that only he and I "get." But he and his father spend one-on-one time together, as well. They just have a different dynamic when they're together. I think it's important to spend time as a family, but also for your child to have time with each parent alone, if possible. It helps develop a special bond that endures.
I think the most important thing is just to be authentic with your children. If they feel like they know, trust, and like you as a person, they will want to spend time with you. Spend time with them doing things that they enjoy when they're young. It's hard to start that close relationship when a kid is a teenager! It has to be from the very beginning.
We have a loving/enjoyable relationship with our adult daughter despite many parenting mistakes. In our case there were two key things. When things became tense and my daughter criticized me for being overbearing, I accepted the criticism and found a good therapist for her as I realized she needed the objectivity I could not provide. The other thing is I try to stay current on things relevent to her life, movies, tv, shows, news about her job, company, city, etc. and find things to do that we can all enjoy. I value her time and limit mentioning any mundane details of our lives.
No I’m referring to the habit of everytime seeing or talking to your adult children you discuss a litany of aches and pains , bowel problems , constpation, headaches etc. not that we have all these problems. my father in law would catalogue every woe everytime my husband would call him.
I should have been clearer because of course we are going to discuss if a major health issue comes up, like when I had breast cancer or my husband’s upcoming cataract surgery.
My MIL does this. If we haven't seen her for awhile, she has to tell us in detail about all her health woes. She even called one day to tell me something else and told me about something she found she had in a place I as her DIL didn't need to know about. When DH asked, I skipped that those details as he wouldn't want to know either.
I will have to keep this in mind for when my kids are adults. Another this is arguing. My kids often tell me that my IL's argue all the time and it bothers them both (9 and 11).
I am an adult kid so my two cents from that perspective.
Don't interfere. Don't interfere with their parenting especially. My mom and I are better now but she drove a real rift between us when my kids were young with her constant interference.
Also, don't guilt them about holidays. If they come, they come, if they don't, learn to do your own thing and you see them when you see them.
I never had my own children, but I was an adult and I will speak to my experience with my Mom (my Dad died when I was 22). She was a fun person to be around. We got together to play cards, watch game shows, and I was always able to just "show up" on her doorstep, which we sometimes did with her favorite takeout food to surprise her. My Mom was very popular with her friends and colleagues. In fact, when she died, the minister of the church she attended told us "don't expect many people to show up, older people don't get many" but the place was full of those who loved and missed her. I am very proud to have been her daughter.
I cannot imagine a major holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, her birthday and most of our birthdays) that would not have included my mother. She never "guilted" us into anything, ever, but since my husband's family lived in another country, my Mom had every right to expect to see us at holidays. We were lucky to have her in our lives.
I never had my own children, but I was an adult and I will speak to my experience with my Mom (my Dad died when I was 22). She was a fun person to be around. We got together to play cards, watch game shows, and I was always able to just "show up" on her doorstep, which we sometimes did with her favorite takeout food to surprise her. My Mom was very popular with her friends and colleagues. In fact, when she died, the minister of the church she attended told us "don't expect many people to show up, older people don't get many" but the place was full of those who loved and missed her. I am very proud to have been her daughter.
I cannot imagine a major holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, her birthday and most of our birthdays) that would not have included my mother. She never "guilted" us into anything, ever, but since my husband's family lived in another country, my Mom had every right to expect to see us at holidays. We were lucky to have her in our lives.
Awww this was such a sweet post to read. Sounds like she was blessed to have you as a daughter too.
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so my two cents from that perspective.
