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That's it. I'm so sick of my BIL's crap. My husband continues to put up with it but...I am so done with him. I need to get this off my chest because I can't talk to my husband about it. His brother has always been a self-centered **** and I play "nice" for my husband's sake but I just can't anymore. He's a moocher, a loser, he lived with us rent free for 3 weeks a couple of years ago, and he can't even be a decent human being to my husband.
Saturday night we celebrated my husband's 40th birthday with friends and rented out a private karaoke room. It's expensive but all of our friends indicated they would happily pitch in. My husband, as always, invited his loser brother and his loser girlfriend. A few days before they asked if they could invite a friend. Really? I thought that was rude but my husband said ok. Friday night they went out for his girlfriend's birthday....we found out through the numerous social media posts they made. Did they invite my husband? No....but they can come to his birthday party AND bring a friend? They showed up an hour and a half late. Ate the food. Rolled their eyes at our friends while they sang. Left at the end without even offering to contribute any money toward the room or food.
My FIL told my husband they probably didn't contribute because they are (once again) having money troubles....yet they invite a friend along?? It's not even about the money though...it's the audacity they had to sit there being rude and making fun of everybody. It's the fact that my husband will ALWAYS invite his brother along, but they will NEVER invite us anywhere. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he just says "It's just him...it's how he is." Well I'm done. I can't be nice anymore!
For those of you with family or in-laws you can't stand....how do you do it? I'm so sick of watching my husband feel 'crushed' because his brother can't even bother to return a phone call. My husband is very loyal...and to a fault.
The only way I dealt with it was to stop being surprised when they were who they are, and stop expecting differently.
You're going to have to dig deep and find a way to make this person a non-issue in your life. If he disappoints you, which he will, don't be surprised. Don't let it affect you. It's who he is, and you KNOW who he is, so you should know that he's not going to change.
Think hard about how much of this resentment you feel is directed at your husband. I'm not sure "loyal" is the word that is appropriate here, but there are obviously family dynamics that were in place long before you came along.
You need to focus on your husband and what you love about him and make the BIL a stranger in your mind.
I get that you are mad on your husband's behalf, but if he is ok enough with his brother that he keeps him around, then there is not much you can do.
Now, if you feel the brother is a threat to your kids, you can insist he not be allowed in the house or around them.
My FIL's asshat wife (not my MIL - this is my wife's stepmother) was rude, dismissive, cruel, and downright nuts to them as kids and her behavior has not improved. She is a vicious gossip and may also be addicted to prescription drugs.
On my insistence, our kids go nowhere near her, she cannot set foot in our house, and my FIL basically had to come hat in hand asking for forgiveness for letting her treat everyone like that (by himself) in order to see his grandkids. He is now welcome here; she is not.
If that is similar to your situation, you might could put your foot down.
If it is just your hubby, who is ok with being treated crappy, I suspect you can't do anything.
Thanks guys. I've been with my husband for 14 years...I guess I just feel like enough is enough already. But I guess I just need to 'go with the flow' for my husband's sake. I felt better as soon as I made my post...sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.
Stan...he's pretty good with our daughter, but he barely sees her and makes no effort to come see her so it's not really an issue. I'm just not going to go out of my way to be nice to him anymore.
That's it. I'm so sick of my BIL's crap. My husband continues to put up with it but...I am so done with him. I need to get this off my chest because I can't talk to my husband about it. His brother has always been a self-centered **** and I play "nice" for my husband's sake but I just can't anymore. He's a moocher, a loser, he lived with us rent free for 3 weeks a couple of years ago, and he can't even be a decent human being to my husband.
Saturday night we celebrated my husband's 40th birthday with friends and rented out a private karaoke room. It's expensive but all of our friends indicated they would happily pitch in. My husband, as always, invited his loser brother and his loser girlfriend. A few days before they asked if they could invite a friend. Really? I thought that was rude but my husband said ok. Friday night they went out for his girlfriend's birthday....we found out through the numerous social media posts they made. Did they invite my husband? No....but they can come to his birthday party AND bring a friend? They showed up an hour and a half late. Ate the food. Rolled their eyes at our friends while they sang. Left at the end without even offering to contribute any money toward the room or food.
My FIL told my husband they probably didn't contribute because they are (once again) having money troubles....yet they invite a friend along?? It's not even about the money though...it's the audacity they had to sit there being rude and making fun of everybody. It's the fact that my husband will ALWAYS invite his brother along, but they will NEVER invite us anywhere. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he just says "It's just him...it's how he is." Well I'm done. I can't be nice anymore!
For those of you with family or in-laws you can't stand....how do you do it? I'm so sick of watching my husband feel 'crushed' because his brother can't even bother to return a phone call. My husband is very loyal...and to a fault.
The asking to invite a friend part, not rude. The not inviting you out on Friday night? Not the best, but there could be a variety of reasons. Showing up late? Same thing.
Why would you care if they were late anyway? You're with your real friends and having a good time and didn't even want them to show in the first place.
Lots of people do the above.
The others are not good, but again I have friends who go out of their way not to chip in on bills. Cheapness is very deep-grained, and again if you read through posts in this forum, lots of people are cheap. I can tell exactly who tries to skip out on chipping in based on what they post.
The mocking people is bad.
Why don't you call the BIL and talk to him about it? Will anything change? Doubt it. But this is one situatoon where it is not your friend and there is nothing to be lost, so might as well get it off your chest.
Where did you karaoke in NJ? I'm always looking for good private room spots.
Thanks guys. I've been with my husband for 14 years...I guess I just feel like enough is enough already. But I guess I just need to 'go with the flow' for my husband's sake. I felt better as soon as I made my post...sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.
Stan...he's pretty good with our daughter, but he barely sees her and makes no effort to come see her so it's not really an issue. I'm just not going to go out of my way to be nice to him anymore.
I don’t think you have to be nice or nasty , just stop expecting and being disappointed. Your husband loves him,you love your husband, so yes go with the flow.
Thanks guys. I've been with my husband for 14 years...I guess I just feel like enough is enough already. But I guess I just need to 'go with the flow' for my husband's sake. I felt better as soon as I made my post...sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.
Stan...he's pretty good with our daughter, but he barely sees her and makes no effort to come see her so it's not really an issue. I'm just not going to go out of my way to be nice to him anymore.
Just please don’t make it obvious that your “not going out of your way to be nice to him“ . I have an older brother who is a very difficult and (psychologically) high maintenance person. He’s been this way as long as I can remember. He can be grumpy, and he can be sarcastic. When I was taking care of my mother when she was still living alone, he would not help me at all even though I was working full-time and he was not working at all. He’s never going to be a different person.
What everyone is saying is correct however you cannot look for things to add to the list of grievances. He is who he is and will not change and you should not expect anything different. When I was taking care of my mother, it would’ve been foolish of me to continually ask my brother to help and then be surprised and upset when he said no. I found other ways for him to help that he was willing to do, for instance while he wouldn’t bring her groceries, he would hook up a DVR player or tell her how her new phone works.
If you know he doesn’t have money, then don’t ask him to chip in for the party. If you know he can’t keep a secret, don’t tell him anything in confidence. If you know he can’t be counted on, then don’t put yourself in a position where he has to be counted on. For your own peace of mind.
Yeah, after a while when it's really untenable you'll be able to say with conviction...no, this will not happen...just very firm but calm and totally in control. And move along with what will happen. And no anger at husband...just you/what's right/what's normal is in control.
Yes, I agree with all of you that I just have to accept it and move on. And trust me...I don't expect much from him. When we were leaving my husband made a comment about how much his brother might contribute, and I was the one who told him NOT to expect anything from his brother. For me, it's not the money, it's the attitude, which just seems to be getting worse. We used to blame it on his ex girlfriend who was very demanding & controlling, but, it's been a year and a half since they ended up and he's been with this new girl and the attitude just sucks. He was always a moron but it's just getting worse. I guess at this point we just shouldn't expect any kind of decency from him. I know it hurts my husband that he doesn't reach out to him more, but I am grateful.
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