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I don't think the personal attacks are helpful, and you've accepted frank criticism with grace here.
It does appear, though, that you have a very biased view of how you handle friendship vs. how others handle it, being much more forgiving and flattering toward yourself, naturally.
You said in a reply to me that your expectations are based on what you supposedly give back to others, although in your description of the friendship here you only complained about these two and the efforts you "had" to go to to maintain the relationship.
It may not occur to you that you seem to be shaming them the way your own extended family would shame your parents if they didn't entertain to the same standards.
It's a horrible cycle that needs to be broken.
You are on-point and have great perception, BirdieBelle.
I have trouble learning deeper level social things as a lot of people are unnecessarily cruel, but there's a lot of misinterpretations and a few outstanding successes too. I certainly didn't learn how to be social from my parents- all of it is self-taught.
I've read a few of those horoscope like things that say things to the degree of "being a friend that no one thought possible" but in my case, I think that particular phrase is very accurate. With that comes a lot of conflict and confusion, naturally, of course! lol.
What you're saying is that even if I'm accurate in how I'm perceiving the interactions, the way I handle them needs to be different. This is a problem with my parents most definitely. They've asked me for help before with this type of thing, and I've been able to offer several different alternatives and they simply dismiss my feedback even though they asked me for it beforehand. They care about me, but don't value me as a person in some ways. I've definitely made strides to try to avoid this of myself.
Thank you for helping me see this, BirdieBelle. This helps a lot. Not just with this situation, but in how to approach appropriately developing additional quality relationships and how to open up and how to re-direct or how to have or not have a certain level of expectations.
You mentioned cultural expectations. Can you elaborate a little more on that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by chessimprov
When I had a brother that got married, it was a big point for my family to have hotel rooms for all our first-level relatives and the second-level relatives that we were closer with. My family would've felt/given shame if my parents didn't make an effort to accommodate. There are also potential translation issues and distance is a factor- about half way around the world (12 hr time difference or so). For the bride's side, her parents, grandparents, and her brother's family had rooms as well.
There were also a few friends of my parents' that probably received hotel rooms as well.
Not every family does that. When my son got married we paid for our own hotel room and for no one else's room. The bride's parents paid for their room and no one else's room. Although the hotel rooms were in a block, everyone paid for their own hotel room (aunts, uncles, siblings, the wedding party). No one expected the bride or grooms parents (or the bride and groom) to pay for their hotel room (or their travel expenses).
I have traveled to at least a dozen weddings over the years, siblings, nieces/nephews, good friends and never once did anyone pay for our hotel room.
Frankly, I couldn't imagine expecting the family to pay for the hotel rooms of random wedding guests Wedding party, maybe, elderly grandparents, maybe, but certainly not all "first -level relatives" and some "second-level relatives" and some friends.
I've read the entire thread so far. My impression is that your expectations of your friends are very unrealistic. Whether your ideas are based on cultural differences, an exaggerated ego, or a critical nature, you need to readjust your thinking if you want friendships. Doing something that you consider nice for a friend does not entitle you to set rules about what they should do for you. And not all friends are going to want a "deep" friendship, in fact most won't. Good luck.
I've read through, and agree, in friendships, there should be no expectation that anyone should be expected to cover your costs to come to their wedding, or come to a party. That is part of what you give, as a friend.
It was painful to read the OP's post. Sounds like a bunch of teenage girl drama BS to me. lol
What is with all the "they didn't treat me" and "I would have to pay for my own room" and all that crap? Adults pay their own way.....its part of being a grown up.
I've read the entire thread so far. My impression is that your expectations of your friends are very unrealistic. Whether your ideas are based on cultural differences, an exaggerated ego, or a critical nature, you need to readjust your thinking if you want friendships. Doing something that you consider nice for a friend does not entitle you to set rules about what they should do for you. And not all friends are going to want a "deep" friendship, in fact most won't. Good luck.
Thanks. This is worded well. My expectations come from the idea that I had given something. I wouldn't say I'm a selfish person per se, but it seems there is too much of a tendency to expect a give and take. It seems a much better approach to consider risking or "risking" some give and then just go on with life from there. I have a tendency to "like all my check boxes" to be ticked, but this doesn't work well socially. It may work better in some professional environments.
A few of the responses I've seen to this thread, I think either you misunderstand me and/or lack enough empathy for others. It's not like I gave nothing to these people I discuss. It was more a lack of my understanding of how to approach these kind of social nuances. There are situations where people should pay their own way and others where people can consider sharing expenses. It's courteous and polite.
Thanks. This is worded well. My expectations come from the idea that I had given something. I wouldn't say I'm a selfish person per se, but it seems there is too much of a tendency to expect a give and take. It seems a much better approach to consider risking or "risking" some give and then just go on with life from there. I have a tendency to "like all my check boxes" to be ticked, but this doesn't work well socially. It may work better in some professional environments.
A few of the responses I've seen to this thread, I think either you misunderstand me and/or lack enough empathy for others. It's not like I gave nothing to these people I discuss. It was more a lack of my understanding of how to approach these kind of social nuances. There are situations where people should pay their own way and others where people can consider sharing expenses. It's courteous and polite.
But here we are discussing YOUR needs, no?
You announced that his BF is a pushover, your meal won't be paid for and worse, you might be ignored. Say what?
You announced that his BF is a pushover, your meal won't be paid for and worse, you might be ignored. Say what?
I can see the reception now ... the DJ takes the mic ...
"Ladies and gentlemen ... may I introduce for the first time ... Mr. and Mr. Married Couple!! And y'all please be sure to say hello to chessimprov over there in the corner!"
OP, I'm teasing you, because you do seem to be trying to grasp the issue here. Hopefully you can relax your self-consciousness enough to enjoy the wedding of these two who really do seem to want you in their life.
I haven't even received a physical wedding invitation yet, and if I do receive one, I should be receiving one this week.
Are you sure you're going to be invited?
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