Parents asking me to cosign a mortgage [MERGED] (girlfriend, narcissists, relatives)
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They have a house, have had it for 15 years. That mortgage is NOT paid off, owe at least 15 more years on it.
Not an only child but I am the oldest by 10+ years.
I talked to them in person yesterday, my dad was upset but seemed to understand at first. My mother stormed out of their house. She tried calling later but I was overwhelmed and didn't answer. She left me a mean voicemail and then proceeded to text all night either berating me or begging me to change my mind. I explained to her the reasons why and she doesn't seem to understand. She thinks I'm being selfish and a jerk and that I just don't care about family. When in truth, I don't think it is fair for her to ask this of me. I would never ask them to do any of this for me. If they couldn't for some reason pay their current mortgage or their bills, I would definitely help, I just don't think it is fair to tie my financial future with theirs. If they made financial mistakes in the past, I shouldn't be held responsible for things I didn't do. I'm trying to be reasonable but it seems they can't be so I think I just need to not talk to them for a while.
I agree with you 100%. They're not being fair to you.
I think you also have to understand, they're not going to listen to you, no matter how reasonable you are or the reasoning behind it (and you ARE basing your decision on VERY SOUND reasoning).
If all she's going to do is guilt trip you, then you're just going to have to keep your distance, block them from calling/texting, etc.. I'm not sure what to tell you about the guilty feelings. You shouldn't feel guilty. But I know it's easy for me to say that.
Maybe what will help you to maintain that boundary is to know that if you were to give in to this, it wouldn't be the end of it. They would just come up with a new thing to guilt trip you into buying for them. So giving in would just drag out and prolong your misery. Better to be miserable for a while but to heal and be happier in the long run.
It sounds to me like your parents are being selfish, jerks and that they don’t care about their family (ie you and your children).
Yes, that's the thing. The most selfish people are always the first ones to turn it around and call out other people for being selfish. According to them, they're never selfish, but everyone else is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lbjen
Have you put it back to them in this way? Ask them if they can co-sign a couple of new Range Rovers for you. Oh and you need a beach condo that they need to co-sign on. When they give you all the reasons they can’t, you give those exact reasons back to them for why you can’t cosign their mortgage.
As much as it might be fun to do when you're angry, it's not going to change their minds. If anything, it will probably make them dig in their heels even more.
I co-signed a second mortgage for my DH. A couple of years later I tried to get a relatively modest loan to buy a used vehicle, I was denied. When I asked why, I was told you have enough debt. Now I had paid off all but 1 credit card, what could be the problem? Problem was my co-signature on the second mortgage. It was regarded as my debt. DH wasn't guilty of non-payment, late payments, nothing. It is still looked at as your debt. Whatever amount you sign for is yours, even if your parents pay right on the dot. Can you afford this?
In my experience, there aren't many people who can.
NO NO NO ...........if the bank thinks they are a risk (need a co-signer) then you don't want to co-sign. You will likely be on the debt but NOT on the title to the property (even messier).
I would say that you can't, your credit score isn't that strong, you have too many debts etc. Make it more about you qualifying not actually saying no.
If it got this ugly without the debt, imagine how ugly it would have gotten with the debt later on (as in they can't pay).
My parents want to buy a new house but due to some unforeseen circumstances, they now need help. In a moment of emotional distress I said maybe I can help, without doing research on it. They since have asked me to cosign for the mortgage and now after doing research on it I don't feel comfortable doing it. I know they are hurt but my mother is taking it to a whole another level. Telling me I'm not acting like family and this is not how family treats each other.
The only things my parents ever cosigned for me was a car when I was 17 and my student loans when I was 18. My first house I did a first time homebuyers thing in 2012 and got it all on my own. I never asked them to cosign for that. My husband and I paid for 90% of our wedding. Didn't ask them for help there either. My parents paid for my dress or partially for it, I don't remember and $2,000 towards alcohol. The rest we paid for. Our second home - the loan is 100% under my husband's name, though I'm the title because I wasn't sure if we should sell our first home or use it as rental income. We eventually sold it. But again we saved up, put a down payment and did it on our own.
I've always been super independent, however my parents are immigrants (American citizens but we moved here over 20 years ago) but I was raised here. I get that family helps family but I think this is asking a lot of their daughter. The new house is more expensive than their current home, my parents are in their 60s, and I don't think this is financially smart decision. My husband agrees and doesn't want me to do it either. This could hinder our future as it could keep us from getting new loans in the future. If we have kids and want to move to another house, this would count towards my debt to income ratio and could keep us from being able to get another loan. It could even affect us getting a car loan. I don't want to do it. I shouldn't have offered to help in an emotional moment but they currently have a house and if they ever were in financial trouble with that one, we'd be happy to help them out but I don't think it is fair to ask your child to take on a 30 year house loan just because you want a new house. Especially with the economy the way it is right now.
My mother has not taken this well. Her responses have gone from hurtful, to manipulative, to pleading back to hurtful. She basically said that I don't respect or care for the family. I feel I've done so much and many times stopped my life to cater to theirs. I've always been close with my parents, especially my mother but our relationship has never been the healthiest. She's always been my away or the highway and emotionally manipulative at times.
I'm feeling broken and lost. Anyone ever deal with something like this?
You didn’t say where your parents are from but I’m guessing part of this could be cultural. Are they thinking one day you and your husband will live with them?
... if your husband isn't on board with this, you have no moral right to make a major financial decision that affects him, too.
As a wife in a loving marriage, YEP!
On point and well said. Plain good advice.
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