Parents asking me to cosign a mortgage [MERGED] (husband, person, member)
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My parents want to buy a new house but due to some unforeseen circumstances, they now need help. In a moment of emotional distress I said maybe I can help, without doing research on it. They since have asked me to cosign for the mortgage and now after doing research on it I don't feel comfortable doing it. I know they are hurt but my mother is taking it to a whole another level. Telling me I'm not acting like family and this is not how family treats each other.
The only things my parents ever cosigned for me was a car when I was 17 and my student loans when I was 18. My first house I did a first time homebuyers thing in 2012 and got it all on my own. I never asked them to cosign for that. My husband and I paid for 90% of our wedding. Didn't ask them for help there either. My parents paid for my dress or partially for it, I don't remember and $2,000 towards alcohol. The rest we paid for. Our second home - the loan is 100% under my husband's name, though I'm the title because I wasn't sure if we should sell our first home or use it as rental income. We eventually sold it. But again we saved up, put a down payment and did it on our own.
I've always been super independent, however my parents are immigrants (American citizens but we moved here over 20 years ago) but I was raised here. I get that family helps family but I think this is asking a lot of their daughter. The new house is more expensive than their current home, my parents are in their 60s, and I don't think this is financially smart decision. My husband agrees and doesn't want me to do it either. This could hinder our future as it could keep us from getting new loans in the future. If we have kids and want to move to another house, this would count towards my debt to income ratio and could keep us from being able to get another loan. It could even affect us getting a car loan. I don't want to do it. I shouldn't have offered to help in an emotional moment but they currently have a house and if they ever were in financial trouble with that one, we'd be happy to help them out but I don't think it is fair to ask your child to take on a 30 year house loan just because you want a new house. Especially with the economy the way it is right now.
My mother has not taken this well. Her responses have gone from hurtful, to manipulative, to pleading back to hurtful. She basically said that I don't respect or care for the family. I feel I've done so much and many times stopped my life to cater to theirs. I've always been close with my parents, especially my mother but our relationship has never been the healthiest. She's always been my away or the highway and emotionally manipulative at times.
I'm feeling broken and lost. Anyone ever deal with something like this?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-02-2020 at 01:30 PM..
Reason: Merged 2 threads on same topic.
If your mom gives you grief, practice saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but just because I won’t do this doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Then change the subject.
If she won’t stop berating, say, “if this is all we are going to talk about, I need to go. I can’t sit here and be disrespected and insulted, and I look forward to talkIng to you when you can be civil.”
But if she’s Asian, she won’t take that well.
Google “how to set emotional boundaries with your parents.”
My parents want to buy a new house but due to some unforeseen circumstances, they now need help. In a moment of emotional distress I said maybe I can help, without doing research on it. They since have asked me to cosign for the mortgage and now after doing research on it I don't feel comfortable doing it. I know they are hurt but my mother is taking it to a whole another level. Telling me I'm not acting like family and this is not how family treats each other.
The only things my parents ever cosigned for me was a car when I was 17 and my student loans when I was 18. My first house I did a first time homebuyers thing in 2012 and got it all on my own. I never asked them to cosign for that. My husband and I paid for 90% of our wedding. Didn't ask them for help there either. My parents paid for my dress or partially for it, I don't remember and $2,000 towards alcohol. The rest we paid for. Our second home - the loan is 100% under my husband's name, though I'm the title because I wasn't sure if we should sell our first home or use it as rental income. We eventually sold it. But again we saved up, put a down payment and did it on our own.
I've always been super independent, however my parents are immigrants (American citizens but we moved here over 20 years ago) but I was raised here. I get that family helps family but I think this is asking a lot of their daughter. The new house is more expensive than their current home, my parents are in their 60s, and I don't think this is financially smart decision. My husband agrees and doesn't want me to do it either. This could hinder our future as it could keep us from getting new loans in the future. If we have kids and want to move to another house, this would count towards my debt to income ratio and could keep us from being able to get another loan. It could even affect us getting a car loan. I don't want to do it. I shouldn't have offered to help in an emotional moment but they currently have a house and if they ever were in financial trouble with that one, we'd be happy to help them out but I don't think it is fair to ask your child to take on a 30 year house loan just because you want a new house. Especially with the economy the way it is right now.
My mother has not taken this well. Her responses have gone from hurtful, to manipulative, to pleading back to hurtful. She basically said that I don't respect or care for the family. I feel I've done so much and many times stopped my life to cater to theirs. I've always been close with my parents, especially my mother but our relationship has never been the healthiest. She's always been my away or the highway and emotionally manipulative at times.
I'm feeling broken and lost. Anyone ever deal with something like this?
People who are doubting themselves about a decision tend to look for ways to get out from under it or ways to spread the potential "damage". They are guilt-tripping you and counting on a past pattern of manipulation to get what they want. Time for that to backfire. You didn't specify what form your help would take did you? If you did, that is a problem and you'll have an awkward moment apologizing for and clarifying your position. If you didn't, time to re-direct their expectations and get more specific. Present the finances and numbers, not the emotion behind your position. You can help them financially without chaining yourselves to a 30 year mortgage!!! If they default where does that leave you? Not in a great spot. No parent who cares about their children should want that. If they can't get the loan without a co-signer that's a sign they shouldn't be extending themselves so far.
Don't dredge up the past as a way to justify your position. It might come across as finger-pointing (see, look how great my decisions have been and how seldom I asked for help!). This isn't a competition about who's been more or less financially responsible. Your concerns are valid without all that, and show these parents raised a thoughtful person. You are an adult...and should be respected as such.
Listen to your gut. You can be loving without being a doormat. If your mother uses this as an excuse to make threats or burn bridges that's a problem and will be her loss.
Last edited by Parnassia; 08-01-2020 at 01:09 PM..
A couple questions: What's their current living situation? Are you an only child? Why are they wanting a new house?
I don't think being a co-signer is a good idea. It probably would be better just to remodel their current house. But given that your mother apparently is a manipulative type that doesn't budge, stop taking her calls (or whatever method of communication you have) for now. Don't give her a these opportunities to coerce you.
What are the reasons for them needing a new home? What is wrong with the current home and are there less expensive alternatives?
There would have to be a VERY valid reason for me to do something like that. Have you explained the consequences to your credit to your mother? Co-signing is almost always a bad idea and should be reserved for the most exigent of circumstances, not just because someone wants to upgrade beyond what their credit permits.
I’m sorry you’ve been put in such a difficult position.
Tell them your financial advisor doesn't recommend doing so. And, of course, fictional or not, that advisor has your best interests in mind.
Your parents don't seem financially savvy if they are trying to move to an area beyond their means. It would be less risky to add to their down payment in order to let them qualify on their own, if you are able to do so. But consider it a gift, I doubt you will see reimbursement
If your mom gives you grief, practice saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but just because I won’t do this doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Then change the subject.
If she won’t stop berating, say, “if this is all we are going to talk about, I need to go. I can’t sit here and be disrespected and insulted, and I look forward to talkIng to you when you can be civil.”
But if she’s Asian, she won’t take that well.
Google “how to set emotional boundaries with your parents.”
I'll tell you what I've heard Judge Judy say several times. "Children don't take care of parents financially, parents take care of children." (She wasn't speaking of when they get elderly and are infirm and such.)
You are youngish with a family of your own. If something happens to your parents and they default, that sort of debt could ruin your financial future, which would affect the financial future of your children. It's too risky. If it were a 5 yr loan for a car, that'd be different. But a house?
Your duty is to your children, which, as Suze Orman says, includes the duty to take care of your own financial security so that your kids don't have to worry about your financial situation when you're older.
You might offer to give them outright a few thousand dollars (think of it as repayment for the $2,000 they paid for booze at your reception, or the dress or whatever.) (Which, BTW...that's a lot of booze. So are you wealthy, to have had such an expensive wedding & reception? Because if you're wealthy, and you can easily afford the loss, if it comes to that, then that's a horse of a different color.)
As for moving to a more expensive house, that doesn't make sense, unless they are moving to a special over 55 place where they will be set for their elderly years, with some living assistance, amenities nearby or maybe a shuttle to and from the store, etc. Or moving to a neighborhood where shopping & services are all nearby, so they'll be able to get around better as they age. Or maybe they've stayed in their same starter house for decades, so almost every newer house in a better neighborhood is going to cost more. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to move to a more expensive house that they can't afford.
It's bad enough your parents are taking on more debt in their senior years, at a time when they should have paid off their home and been debt free. I don't understand why your parents asked you, unless you're well off, so they figure they are partly responsible for your success in life. I wonder if it's really just your Mom who wants this and not your Dad so much.
Last edited by bpollen; 08-01-2020 at 02:13 PM..
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