Pregnant friend wants to humblebrag and I'm not letting her. Am I being too harsh or should her respect my boundaries? (aging, appropriate)
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You said "for some reason." That's what people say when they don't know.
Agree. OP you let that statement about those 10 wedding guests drop without any context in order to manipulate, to mislead people into pitying you. Drama queen, that's not only disingenuous, its not a nice thing to do to people you asked for help.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-29-2021 at 02:37 PM..
If you distanced yourself from her and didn't want that kind of friendship any more because she's a manipulative PITA, why are you letting her back into your life?
I have this friend of 20 years (we are both females), and about half a year ago I started to distance myself from her after having a confrontation with her about how I felt uncomfortable or even pissed by some of her behaviours/words towards me which were sometimes quite rude, mean or even belittling and insulting; and always involve making comparisons with me. I told her about my feelings and asked her to be more considerate of people's feelings, but she didn't take it quite well and accused me of deliberately hurting her to make myself feel good. She also said I should appreciate her honesty and straightforwardness (she meant having no filter is a positive quality) and accepted her as who she was. She said there's nothing she could do if I didn't accept and like her, because she wouldn't change.
It was her reaction that actually turned me off and made me feel like I didn't want to be friend with her anymore, because she just turned the table around and refused to respect my boundaries. And so I started to keep my distance since then.
Then 1 or 2 months later, I read from her husband's facebook that she's pregnant. She didn't announce the news herself, but instead just kept throwing hints like repeatedly posting about how she had to hurry up in doing the things/going to the places she wanted to do/go asap because she wouldn't have the chance later. I felt like she's trying very hard to get people to ask her why so that she could tell us that she's pregnant.
And this just felt so familiar because she used this "tactic" before too when she was engaged. She pretended like she didn't want to talk about it, and when she had the chance to tell us that she's getting married, she made it sound like she couldn't care less about it. She repeatedly said that it wasn't her who wanted to get married and to throw the wedding, because she's not a tradition woman who saw marriage as a big thing in life, she only gave in because her boyfriend wanted to marry her so much. She also kept saying what a bad thing it was to be married because she would have to take care of her husband and do housework etc. and even said that it's a big "risk" to take to live together with your partner and made it like a very big deal. But while she's complaining about it, you just knew that she's actually very happy and proud about getting married (and being the first among us to unlock this "life achievement"). And at the end she rounded it up by saying to me, "Oh, but you won't understand any of these, since you're not married yet!"
She has to drag me into the comparisons with her in almost everything, and tries to make me feel jealous or even inferior whenever possible. Funny thing was I had already moved in with my boyfriend for a few years at that time and also turned down his proposal because I wasn't interested in marriage at that time. I traveled a lot and I didn't want to settle. I'm actually the kind of woman she wants to become but she couldn't because she always stays in line and is afraid of changes and risks. But somehow she always thinks that by saying these things to me, I would feel bad about myself. But I only feel bad about being around her and having to listen to these craps all the time.
Since I could smell that she's trying to humble-brag about her pregnancy just like how she did about her marriage, and since I was distancing myself from her, I didn't like or leave comments on her posts nor do I reach out to her to ask. I would definitely congratulate her if she told me the news herself. I simply decided to take the passive role and to prevent her from humblebragging to me again.
Perhaps she found that I wasn't asking her, she started to message me and even called me several times in the past months. But every time she just saying she felt sad and bad that she wouldn't be able to do anything or go anywhere soon, and trying to get me to ask her why (and btw, I actually never heard any pregnant women saying this kind of things... why would pregnancy stop you from doing anything or going anywhere? she's just dramatizing things). But I didn't ask her as she wished. I just sat back and felt amused by her persistence in getting me to follow the script she had in her head. She's been trying these for months now and I just thought "why don't you just say it already?". Wouldn't it be so much easier if she just announces it directly like her husband did, and like any normal person would do? Why all the drama? I feel like it just further proves my point, and if I follow her script, she would have the chance to humble brag to me and also pull me into it in order to make comparisons between us and make me feel inferior (she' pregnant v.s. I'm not).
I only replied to her messages and answered her calls because she's pregnant, otherwise I would have kept my distance as I said before. I'm just being considerate enough to give her the attention she wants, but my boundary is she has to say it directly and no more humblebrag, no more comparison and no more drama. Am I too harsh to a pregnant woman? Is it too much to ask for?
If this is how you two "friends" treat each other, how do you treat your enemies?
Agree. OP you let that statement about those 10 wedding guests drop without any context in order to manipulate, to mislead people into pitying you. Drama queen, that's not only disingenuous, its not a nice thing to do to people you asked for help.
I am sorry then. English is not my native language, I wrote "for some reason" because I didn't want to go into details to keep it shorter. If that made you think that I was manipulatiing you into pitying me (by not detailing the situation in my hometown and that the relatives were scared to come back but decided not to tell us they're not coming before the rsvp deadline), I have nothing more to say.
But I am sorry that I misled people because I didn't know "for some reason" meant I didn't know the reason, I thought it meant I knew the reason but it's not important to detail it since it's out of context.
Last edited by kearajane; 04-30-2021 at 02:04 AM..
I can only echo what others have said: who gives a damn that she's pregnant? Big deal, it's not your concern. I would dump her immediately, she's a worthless narcissist draining your time and energy. Move on from her and block her on your phone. Problem solved.
Yes, after writing what happened between us and seeing how people react, whether constructive or not, I also got tired of it and tiring of explaining myself. Last night I also muted her on instagram (a function that didn't know about, I already hid her on facebook before). And this morning she messaged me and I didn't reply and I will not. I've learned that I should not dwell on this anymore. So thank you everyone.
And for those who are still trying to pick on me for lying to or manipulating you (who are strangers to me and I can't find a reason why I have to do that when all I wanted was to get constructive advice here), you can stop here. If I am bothering you, you can stop reading and replying to me, just as you said I should ignore this pregnant "friend", unless you are exactly the kind of person you are accusing me of.
But thanks for everyone's advice and comments.
Last edited by kearajane; 04-30-2021 at 02:08 AM..
I am sorry then. English is not my native language, I wrote "for some reason" because I didn't want to go into details to keep it shorter.
Really? You don't know emergency or crisis? The time for the no speak English defense was before you wrote a coherent, grammatically correct, and correctly punctuated mini-novel in the language.
You really need to stop focusing on her behavior and start focusing on why she triggers you and why you stay friends with her.
This has nothing to do with her.
I'm not a mental health professional so take this with a grain of salt. My guess is that you have a low sense of entitlement (not to be confused with self esteem). You appear to be quite successful in life but feel uncomfortable getting attention for your successes so you resent someone who is attention grabbing.
I am sorry then. English is not my native language, I wrote "for some reason" because I didn't want to go into details to keep it shorter. If that made you think that I was manipulatiing you into pitying me (by not detailing the situation in my hometown and that the relatives were scared to come back but decided not to tell us they're not coming before the rsvp deadline), I have nothing more to say.
But I am sorry that I misled people because I didn't know "for some reason" meant I didn't know the reason, I thought it meant I knew the reason but it's not important to detail it since it's out of context.
Really? For someone who claims English isn’t their native language, you’re a pretty good writer. Try again.
You knew the reason, but said you didn’t to garner some sympathy or to stir the pot.
Really? You don't know emergency or crisis? The time for the no speak English defense was before you wrote a coherent, grammatically correct, and correctly punctuated mini-novel in the language.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim in FL
Really? For someone who claims English isn’t their native language, you’re a pretty good writer. Try again.
You knew the reason, but said you didn’t to garner some sympathy or to stir the pot.
You can keep going. You don't believe in a single word I said and so you can still endlessly pick on me and there's nothing I can say to get you believe me, because you won't. I guess you don't know a second language and so you don't believe that there is a possibility that when you're using a second language, you may not know the meaning of some words/phrases, or use them wrongly, even though they seem simple and easy to understand for the native speakers, like I'm still confused what 'couldn't care less' means, and I have to look up words on the dictionary when I'm reading people's replies here... I can tell you in where I live, we start to learn English since 3 years old, we learn grammar and words we need to know to get through exams (and yes I got good grades on grammar, thank you), but very few of us can read restaurant menus because we didn't learn many of the food names on textbook, we struggle to order bread at Subway. I only learned the word 'spatula', and that 'sick' can mean 'cool and impressive' few years ago when I had the opportunity to stay in a foreign country and spent time with English speakers. You may think I'm lying though. But you don't know the things you don't know. What more can I say?
And even though I have apologized for misleading people, which I didn't intend to, you decide to go on accusing me of lying. Kindness is rare nowadays. I think you dislike me for "manipulating" you just as much as I dislike my friend, you think I'm a drama queen for still not dropping my friend for good, but then you keep coming back to my thread stirring up more drama. If it's so hard for you to let me go already, do you see why I struggle when she's a person I've known for 20 years, and did share some valuable memories with.
And by the way. I said I congratulated her already (but she still got mad at me for not meeting up), and I hid her on facebook, I mute her on instagram, I ignored her new message this morning, and I'm not going to reply her. So it's end of story. Thank you for your contribution here. And don't waste your time on my thread if you're only interested in spreading hatred.
Last edited by kearajane; 04-30-2021 at 09:31 AM..
Really? For someone who claims English isn’t their native language, you’re a pretty good writer. Try again.
You knew the reason, but said you didn’t to garner some sympathy or to stir the pot.
Why saying I didn't know the reason would garner people's sympathy? I just don't get it. And sympathy is not something I could ever get from you guys as far as I know. I only wanted to leave the reason out because I thought it's out of context, and since people here are teasing me for writing too long.
No matter what I say or not say, I'm wrong since you guy don't want to believe me at the beginning. So why keep reading?
Last edited by kearajane; 04-30-2021 at 08:48 AM..
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