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I would start being BUSY. She hints at different things that normally spur you into Internet Action but this time be busy. She talks about wondering if there are good deals for travel or big ticket purchases, you say "oh, I'll bet there are some deals out there, try _______ website" and then don't do anything else. Don't go over to their house every time something comes up or they invite you for different things. Be busy, with work, with friends, with research. You are weaning yourself and them. By gently pulling away, you are doing all of you a big favor.
You are a grown woman but so is SHE! She can figure these things out and she would if you didn't do them for her. You are enmeshed and I understand because I was too. Deeply and totally enmeshed to the detriment of my own small family.
After many decades, I started looking at my own mom as an adult who could be doing all this stuff for herself. I stopped jumping in to soothe her feelings over normal things she would get IRATE about. But it took way too long to learn this and see the role I was playing.
I was trained as a young kid to always consider my mom over everyone else. What an awful way to bring up a child, talk about stunting someone's growth. Slowly I learned about different ways to deal with my parents and began pulling away. It's a much better way to live. You are a grown woman and it's okay and normal to be living your own separate life without a ton of involvement with them. Start now while you're young so you don't wake up in your 50s with your elderly parents wanting you to be their sole caretaker. Back away!
I feel accountable for my family's happiness 100% of the time. My brother is oddly excluded from this because he doesn't engage in our weird twisted relationship. My mom, dad, and me. We've tried getting my brother to be more like us, but he's not.
OP, well done on identifying that this is a problem. For realizing that your relationship with your parents is not normal, is not healthy, and is preventing you from living a fulfilling life.
It is good that you're getting therapy. You will need it to coach you through setting boundaries and giving you the tools to resist slipping back into old ways.
It sounds as if your brother could be an ally in breaking fee. When you're ready, you should say to him what you've written in this thread.
After many decades, I started looking at my own mom as an adult who could be doing all this stuff for herself. I stopped jumping in to soothe her feelings over normal things she would get IRATE about. But it took way too long to learn this and see the role I was playing.
I was trained as a young kid to always consider my mom over everyone else. What an awful way to bring up a child, talk about stunting someone's growth. Slowly I learned about different ways to deal with my parents and began pulling away. It's a much better way to live. You are a grown woman and it's okay and normal to be living your own separate life without a ton of involvement with them. Start now while you're young so you don't wake up in your 50s with your elderly parents wanting you to be their sole caretaker. Back away!
I can relate to the OP's quandry. I'm in my 40s now and headed down this road. My dad seems like your mom (needy, controlling, always has something to ***** about). And then my mom recently dumped her boyfriend who was helping with her finances and chores. Guess who's she's turning to now? They're like 60 going on 16.
Here is a (relatively) small but concrete exercise that might help you and give you some courage.
When you pick up a shirt that you like and your mother says "You like THAT?", take the opportunity to tell her that yes, you like it. Full stop. Then buy it. (make sure before you pick it up that you like it enough to actually buy it) Then do not engage. Give her time to say what she wants about your purchase. Don't get angry, don't get defensive. Instead, think inside your head about how you will never do to your future children what she is doing to you. (this way, it becomes a learning experience)
When she comes up for air long enough to pause and ask you what's going on, calmly tell her that you have likes and dislikes of your own and you are working on becoming strong enough to exercise them. And that her response is hurtful to you. Don't get sucked into explaining her response to her. Rinse and repeat.. it's hurtful.
The only thing you have control over (and the only thing, as an adult, you should have control over) is your words and your behavior.
Good luck. But keep at this until it is better. Your life is your own.
And re: all the computer help you give them - the next time they ask, either show them how to do it (make them write down the step by step instructions) or send them a word document with the step by step instructions for them to reference as they do it all by themselves.. it can be fun to learn how to hunt out deals on line.. it's time they learn and get in on the fun.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 05-11-2021 at 06:11 AM..
OP has a house. That doesn't mean she can't move away but it's more problematic when someone owns a home. And there's no guarantee that being at a distance will break the codependency. It can even get worse after she distances herself from them. The idea here isn't to reject her family but to set boundaries with them.
She has to get therapy to help her identify the changes to make and then start making changes now. It's not too late; 29 is still young. A lot of people in that age group have helicopter parents so no surprise they're the product of years of hovering parents. Many people in that age group still live at home. I commend OP for having her own place. That says a lot.
I agree with the poster who said to keep busy. For instance, stop shopping with your mom, just go shopping alone. Make plans to go places and do things by yourself or with friends. It's fine to see your parents once a week or so, but have other interests and plans with friends too. When I was 29, if I didn't have a boyfriend, I was going on trips by myself and going places on weekends like to the city to walk around. I wasn't hanging out with my parents.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mandi9
My parents have supported me so much and I did go away to college. I am independent in so many ways. I bought my own home. I pay all my bills and manage my regular responsibilities. I got a great job, amateurs degree, and did it all on my own.
An example though, the home thing. I felt I needed their approval on the home. Without them liking it and giving me input, I would never buy it.
I find I take everything they say to heart. For example, my mother and I are out shopping. I looked a shirt that I like. She says " you like thattt?"
I will immediately put it down. They have a lot of control over my decision making. I ask them, they want to help, so it's an meshed cycle.
My mom knows it too. She laughs saying she could convince me into buying something ugly if she really really liked it and told me to buy it. We laugh about it, but it's not a joke. I plan my time around them. They want me home for a weekend, I'm there. I am weak to say no. They do so much to help me. They help me repair my house, throw me cash every now and then to help me out, to be nice.
I do ask them what to paint my walls, things to buy, how I should react to a friend or co-worker.
My mother and I fight when I have a different opinion. If I ever tell her that she made me feel sad or bad, she never takes responsibility, she simply blames me for being dramatic and feeling stupidest. She thinks my feelings are dumb. That's how I feel.
Tho if you are independent, bought your own house, have a great job & pay your bills...I totally don’t see what the problem is. It’s awesome you have your own job & your own home....so it’s not like it’s as bad as it could be. Just stop asking for their opinion so much & start building confidence about your own decisions. Learn to say no....thank you but I can’t this weekend, I have plans...but would love to see you guys in 2 wks or a different time. AND..why go shopping together if you’re going to fight? Go yourself & buy the shirt you want.
AND...really get busy with other plans...don’t just say it! If you don’t build other healthy friendships & relationships....it gives you more time to keep falling back to your parents in unhealthy patterns IMO. My parents & I are close...but we probably stay that way because I don’t ask their advice on anything AND we only talk about once a week. I haven’t seen them because of covid but normally it would be like 2 times a year but they live in SoCal. AND when we do...it’s fun & special because I don’t see them that much. You can appreciate parents more IMO...the healthier you are. Good luck!
You need to address why you feel so insecure and can’t trust your own judgment that you run to your parents for every little thing and involve them in every aspect of your life.
100%. It is fine to love your parents, have a close relationship, and place a lot of value on their opinion and insight, particularly for big decisions like buying a house!
But clothing? That screams insecurity and the need for external validation. They don't MAKE you do anything. You choose their opinion over your own. A lot of people do that to keep the peace and is fine once in a while; but ignoring your gut and your wishes constantly will absolutely continue stripping away at your self-worth.
I disagree that you have to sell your house and move abroad to break this pattern. Start small: buy a shirt that you like no matter what snarky thing your mom says. Show them some of your favorite search engines or travel sites so that they can become more familiar with it on their own. Provide your opinion to them sometimes to establish a more even sharing of ideas.
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Tho if you are independent, bought your own house, have a great job & pay your bills...I totally don’t see what the problem is. It’s awesome you have your own job & your own home....so it’s not like it’s as bad as it could be. Just stop asking for their opinion so much & start building confidence about your own decisions. Learn to say no....thank you but I can’t this weekend, I have plans...but would love to see you guys in 2 wks or a different time. AND..why go shopping together if you’re going to fight? Go yourself & buy the shirt you want.
If you don’t build other healthy friendships & relationships....it gives you more time to keep falling back to your parents in unhealthy patterns IMO. My parents & I are close...but we probably stay that way because I don’t ask their advice on anything AND we only talk about once a week.
I haven’t seen them because of covid but normally it would be like 2 times a year but they live in SoCal. AND when we do...it’s fun & special because I don’t see them that much. You can appreciate parents more IMO...the healthier you are. Good luck!
