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While agreeing to be a bridesmaid may require extra money, that’s for the dress, hair/makeup, and then a gift. The bridal shower, bachelorette, any extra events are that… extra. There is no requirement to participate, though generally expected. Whoever is organizing these extra events needs to speak with ALL bridesmaids to address budgeting. $150 for a bus (per person?! Did I read that right?!) was not something the OP was obviously taking into account when agreeing to be a bridesmaid.
My friend’s bachelorette was an afternoon at a mini golf/laser tag place. Maybe $20/person? Not including food? My bachelorette was more an afternoon at the zoo (I only had two bridesmaids though, so it was low key). You can have an event without forcing attendees to spend an arm and a leg!
Sorry, had to respond to that because the price of the bus is like the price of a decent but not over the top bridesmaid dress. It would like be asking her the equivalent to buy two dresses…
Yes, and another reality is that sometimes you agree to do something and then circumstances change. A lot of people schedule weddings a year or two in advance. You could have the money THEN, budget for expected costs like a bridesmaid’s dress, hair, makeup, and a gift, but not for extra events. It also seems reasonable you wouldn’t budget for a $150 party bus if you live in the area and don’t plan to drink.
I can empathize since I had a friend whose party was a little out of my budget and I was guilted into coughing up the cash. I know SHE didn’t care, but it was the bridesmaids who guilted me. I ended up being so stressed about it that I left early due to getting a bad migraine. FWIW, the friend is now divorced and we are still friends 16 years later.
My daughter is at an age where lots of her friends are getting married. She is getting really tired of what is a shallow arms race.
The most powerful word in the English language is 'No.' As in, 'No, I don't have that kind of scratch.'
Stick to your guns.
I have three children ages 30 to 35. The youngest is big into this type bachelorette activities. This is definitely an arms race but I think her last high school friend is now engaged. She has remained close with a group of girls since high school and even earlier. They have all moved around the country but have continued the custom of these destination bachelorette weekends. Her husband has also done some of these with friends and his brother. My other daughter was only involved in one of these, but it involved a weekend in Nashville with a group she wasn't even that close.
My son and his wife are practical and thrifty. They used their income to pay off school loans for advanced degrees.
I think this is a sad situation. It is rare you have a group of people in their 20s and early 30s who have the disposable income to spend on numerous activities like this. Many of these people are now having babies and buying houses. The last ones to get married will also find that young couples with babies do not have the flexibility to fly off to a destination bachelorette/bachelor destination weekend. In my daughter's case, she has a new baby, new job, and new house. She is the matron of honor and the bride is expecting her to start planning these activities.
Second, why do you agree to be a bridesmaid if you do not have money aside for that event? Being a bridesmaid always costs you a quite some money.
IMHO, there is a huge difference between setting aside money to pay for things like a dress & shoes and, maybe hair, make-up & travel expenses for the wedding and over the top bachelorette and bachelor celebrations. I have read numerous threads about bachelorette and bachelor celebrations. Things such as weeklong parties, in destination cities (such as Las Vegas), where each person needs to pay for travel expenses, hotel, food, alcohol and entrance fees, as well as possibly losing pay and/or vacation time because these celebrations take place on work days, or extended weekends
In this situation, IMHO, it is ridiculous to expect everyone to pay for an expensive hotel room, and a party bus ($150 each!) plus food and drinks in your own hometown. That could easily cost more than the bridesmaid dress and shoes. Sure, if everyone is high income, can afford it, and agrees to everything in advance, but not in this situation.
I think they watch too much TV showcasing other people doing this and think they have to do it, too. I suspect others besides Mandi might not want to be doing the party bus, either, but lack the self confidence to just say No, I don't want to spend that much money.
I quit that a long time ago. Last time I paid a fortune for what she put on her list of gifts she wants. Of course the only one left was the most expensive. Then right after the marriage they cut you off or speaking is limited by 95%. And if you are not married you will never hear from them again.
All you are is a filler/number to the person getting married or throwing party.
I find it all self indulgent.
If some cannot afford they should not call you. It is harassment.
Their lack of understanding for your finances is insane.
If your presence isn't enough these are fake people -- related or not that would have cut you off right after. Be real. It's all fake. You are not in high school. Your bills before her gifts - just so you basically say bye to her.
IMHO, there is a huge difference between setting aside money to pay for things like a dress & shoes and, maybe hair, make-up & travel expenses for the wedding and over the top bachelorette and bachelor celebrations. I have read numerous threads about bachelorette and bachelor celebrations. Things such as weeklong parties, in destination cities (such as Las Vegas), where each person needs to pay for travel expenses, hotel, food, alcohol and entrance fees, as well as possibly losing pay and/or vacation time because these celebrations take place on work days, or extended weekends
In this situation, IMHO, it is ridiculous to expect everyone to pay for an expensive hotel room, and a party bus ($150 each!) plus food and drinks in your own hometown. That could easily cost more than the bridesmaid dress and shoes. Sure, if everyone is high income, can afford it, and agrees to everything in advance, but not in this situation.
I have never been at a bachelors party or been a bridesmaid. But by everything I hear and see, I thought $150 did not sound that bad and if you decide to be a bridesmaid, you can expect to have some serious expenses.
Maybe everyone else is actually high income? Anyway - I still think she should just say SORRY, CANNOT AFFORD IT. Not this month and not next month and not in this life.
Now today, while I was working, one girl decides to rent a day long party bus to take us to a bunch of bars. Sent all messages during my work time that I didn't see until later.
This just includes the bus. No snacks, food, drinks, included. She then throws at us the price tag and says she needs the money by the end of this week. It's $150
I don't have that kind of money and she's sending requests for it right away.
Personally, getting stuck on a party bus and going bar hopping sounds like my idea of hell. I don't drink, and I don't enjoy being around people who are in the process of drinking. I would not do this at all, regardless of the cost. In fact, if I were forced to choose, I'd rather flush the $150 down the toilet, one dollar at a time, then suffer though this.
If this is how you feel too, then forget about the cost; just say "No thank you, I'm not interested." If you don't mind doing a little drinking, but not too much, do as another poster suggested and simply meet up with the rest of the party at one of their stops. I'd make it their first stop, though, not their last one. That way, they're not too drunk (and maybe obnoxious) yet. Plus, if they fall behind schedule, you could be waiting at their last stop all by yourself, for who-knows how long. Join them at their first stop, then when the party bus calls "all aboard," say your farewells, get into your car, and drive home.
I'm very frustrated. I'm in a wedding as a bridesmaid. They decided to do a Bachelorette trip right near my house. They rented a place for us to stay. They were pressuring me to stay there, but I put my foot down because it was expensive. I'm staying at my house.
Now today, while I was working, one girl decides to rent a day long party bus to take us to a bunch of bars. Sent all messages during my work time that I didn't see until later.
This just includes the bus. No snacks, food, drinks, included. She then throws at us the price tag and says she needs the money by the end of this week. It's $150
I don't have that kind of money and she's sending requests for it right away.
I message her that I may not take the bus because I live nearby. She insists I take it because it's a surprise experience for the bride and no one should be drinking and driving.
I didn't plan to drink a lot at all.
I tell her that I honestly don't have the money and I live on a single fixed income and it's really tough for me to get that together.
She says she understands and she'll let me pay her the day of in a month.
I honestly don't appreciate feeling pressured or told I have to pay and what to do. I'm upset and I even told the girl I was embarrassed. I was so so embarrassed.
I'm upset. I can't afford it. I just can't. I am upset because I'd like to go and have fun and enjoy it.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to let the bride down. She's a family member. I'm super upset and my family keeps scolding me for telling her I couldn't afford it. I was just trying to be honest.
I am trying to come up with the money in a month's time so I can go, but part of me doesn't appreciate being told I have to pay up. I almost don't want to go.
What do I do?
You probably should not be a bridesmaid if you can't afford to take part in the activities.
I had really hoped that this over the top nonsense of weekend long bachelor/ bachelorette parties had stopped due to Covid restrictions. The excessive partying and emphasis on extravagant wedding receptions had become so disgustingly over indulgent. Two couples we know kept it simple and married during the height of Covid. This summer they each had lovely receptions with emphasis on MARRIAGE. VOWS and renewals about what they had meant to one another and how the Covid experience refocused their priorities. I'm sorry to read that it appears that the OP is being sucked into one of these money pits. We have stopped going to these weddings. I would stand my ground. "I'm sorry, but I can't participate" You owe NO ONE an explanation. (I can guarantee there will others involved who will wish they said the same thing).
You probably should not be a bridesmaid if you can't afford to take part in the activities.
EXACTLY!! What is the shame in that, honestly? Your fam is being pretty uncool to pressure you. Maybe ask them to kick in some $ to help you pay for all of it, if THEY think it is so important?
I learned many years ago that putting yourself in debt and committing to spend $ that you don't have is enough to make you ill. And being pressured! AH NO. No no no no. A thousand NOS!
Just say no, you can't make it. You don't owe that pushy bridesmaid a detailed explanation.
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