Splitting Bills in a Unique Household (girlfriend, children, fiance, divorced)

[KathrynAragon]

I agree, don't combine things - not for a long time. Don't buy a house together. Don't accept money from him to pay on the house either. Texas is a community property state - remember that.

He sounds super cheap by the way. I don't like that about him and I don't know much about either of you! Date longer before making any financial decisions. And meet with your attorney ASAP and tell him or her exactly what you told us.

[L00k4ward]

Originally Posted by littlelou

DO NOT ADD HIM TO YOUR HOUSE.... If you bought the house, your savings, is the title and Mortgage in your name? DO NOT ADD HIM TO IT. You need to protect yourself and your kids futures. Sadly, so many marriages end in Divorce and his comment "He understands that and said he would not want to kick us out." is ridiculous. Its YOUR house, not his.

I agree a pre-nup is required, with very specific declarations and divisions. If you get child support, that amount should not be included in the breakdown of who pays for what, what if your ex decides to stop paying? then financial disaster strikes.

His future plans are just that PLANS, are these plans you are involved in or just his?

After I re-read your post, I am seeing some red flags. How long have you two been together? It sounds a little like he's just looking for a cheaper place to live and save money so he can buy his dream land and build a house.

Please do not combine things yet, please take your feelings out of the decision and maybe find a financial planner to assist you in these decisions. they can calculate these decisions, objectively and give you a true picture.

I have similar sentiments as above.

Your first loyalty is to your children and yourself.
You are not a someone’s “cheaper” and more comfortable place to live.

Don’t listen to “house and land” fairy tales - you won’t be there.

Why do you want to get married? Does he want a child? Honestly, I don’t think he can afford one
Do you?
Before marriage - why not try living together? I don’t think you are financially compatible.

Don’t subsidize his expenses with your larger check.
Your money is none of his business. You have much more substantial financial responsibilities - 2 kids.

At a minimum he has to pay the same he pays now plus food, and half of the utilities on the house?-
He will share more space which needs heat, electricity, internet, etc.
It is much nicer to live with the friendly female with benefits than in a guy-friend 1 bedroom.

Basically, make him deposit agreed in advance amount every month. The amount has nothing to do with your paycheck.
You pay all the bills- as you are the one legally responsible.

Another strike against an immediate marriage- if something happens to you - your property becomes his- not all pre-nups are iron clad - do you have a substantial money to fight him in court?- and in some states the spouse can not completely disinherit another spouse- there is a mandatory share.

What happens if you marry and he becomes unemployed? You may end up paying monthly support for him in case of divorce

The judge can throw out the whole prenup on technicalities, especially if he becomes disabled, etc.
You are not FU money wealthy to fight to enforce it.
The simpler way to enforce- don’t get married.

If married - your whole income tax situation may go up- have you counted that? Don’t think so

In case of marriage - he is an officially stepdad to your children if something happens to you.

Even if pre-nup is solid - he may become a guardian of kids and use your property, especially if you have another child by him.
The child inherits- but he can bring a new wife into your home and manage all your estate (spend).
Sh*** happens. Don’t make it harder on your children

You talk about money a lot, but did not mention how is he with the children.
Please, don’t marry the guy - he is a user.

You are not even living together - and he is already counting your money, having disputes, and we don’t know how he will treat children
I already see - he does not treat you right - being very selfish. He just needs a good and cheap place to stay.

Re-read you post: he is a loser under the stress of eviction- he is looking for a meal ticket- no matter what he is singing sweetly in your ear.
Don’t let him even to move in with you and children- keep looking for a more mature individual who really wants to marry you, not to secure cheap housing through your paycheck.

Tell him to get better job to make the same amount as you do - than you may consider living together and maybe - later marriage.
I don’t think you see him around after that- he will look for another woman with a good situation..
You should look too.

For your next man- don’t tell them about your paychecks and bank accounts. You will only attract freeloaders

[coschristi]

Originally Posted by FairnessInLove

We share the burden throughout the marriage, but he doesn’t like this option because it costs more than his living expenses now and he wants moving in with me, to be cheaper than renting one bedroom from his friend or else it’s not a financially sound decision for him.

What the heck, did I just read this right? He doesn't want to live with you unless you can 'underbid' his current living situation expenses?

You have kids & this is okay with you? I'd rather be with a guy who understands his cost of living will be way higher than it was when he was single & wouldn't have it any other way; because I am worth it.

[kjg1963]

Not married but living with partner over 20 years. He pays the mortgage/homeowner's insurance and water bill. I pay gas/electric, cable/internet, cell phone, and most groceries. We each pay for our own cars, insurance, and credit cards. When we vacation or just go out to eat, he pays. He also pays for some groceries but most of that is his junk food or a really great Filet Mignon to throw on the grill for us.

For the most part, this has worked for us.

[djsuperfly]

Originally Posted by KathrynAragon

I agree, don't combine things - not for a long time. Don't buy a house together. Don't accept money from him to pay on the house either. Texas is a community property state - remember that.

He sounds super cheap by the way. I don't like that about him and I don't know much about either of you! Date longer before making any financial decisions. And meet with your attorney ASAP and tell him or her exactly what you told us.

In fairness, he doesn't make a lot of money. He's kinda required by his income to be "cheap."

[tamajane]

Originally Posted by kjg1963

Not married but living with partner over 20 years. He pays the mortgage/homeowner's insurance and water bill. I pay gas/electric, cable/internet, cell phone, and most groceries. We each pay for our own cars, insurance, and credit cards. When we vacation or just go out to eat, he pays. He also pays for some groceries but most of that is his junk food or a really great Filet Mignon to throw on the grill for us.

For the most part, this has worked for us.

Do you own the house together?

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by djsuperfly

In fairness, he doesn't make a lot of money. He's kinda required by his income to be "cheap."

I don't mean just income wise, I mean every way wise. Please see my suggestions. They will work with any budget or income.

[kitkatbar]

I think the second plan is the way to go--either that, or do not get married at all. You guys sound fairly young. We're not talking about two people in their 60's who've amassed great amounts of wealth, both have kids and millions in savings accounts. You had only $35K and barely managed to put that down on a house. He has $20K. You both struggle a bit on income.

The thing is, you don't know what the future is going to hold. Right now, you make more than he does. But you might get REALLY sick with cancer a year from now and have to stop working. His might be the only income coming into the household. He might get injured in a car wreck and have to stop working. Yours might be the only income coming into the household. If you're going to get married, at your stage of life, it's pretty much all in, or if you don't feel you can do that, you shouldn't be getting married.

If you really want to divvy things up by the penny, the second option sounds better. The first option is a raw deal for him because it allows you to build equity in your house, which he will be helping you pay for and will have no ownership in should you split up. That's not a good way to start a marriage at your stage of life and I find it a bit interesting that you guys knew you were about to get married, and rather than pooling your resources and buying the house TOGETHER, you chose to do it alone so your kids would be prioritized, rather than you and your husband buying a house with joint money.

[djsuperfly]

Originally Posted by kitkatbar

I think the second plan is the way to go--either that, or do not get married at all. You guys sound fairly young. We're not talking about two people in their 60's who've amassed great amounts of wealth, both have kids and millions in savings accounts. You had only $35K and barely managed to put that down on a house. He has $20K. You both struggle a bit on income.

The thing is, you don't know what the future is going to hold. Right now, you make more than he does. But you might get REALLY sick with cancer a year from now and have to stop working. His might be the only income coming into the household. He might get injured in a car wreck and have to stop working. Yours might be the only income coming into the household. If you're going to get married, at your stage of life, it's pretty much all in, or if you don't feel you can do that, you shouldn't be getting married.

If you really want to divvy things up by the penny, the second option sounds better. The first option is a raw deal for him because it allows you to build equity in your house, which he will be helping you pay for and will have no ownership in should you split up. That's not a good way to start a marriage at your stage of life and I find it a bit interesting that you guys knew you were about to get married, and rather than pooling your resources and buying the house TOGETHER, you chose to do it alone so your kids would be prioritized, rather than you and your husband buying a house with joint money.

This.

There's absolutely noting wrong in looking at worst-case scenarios and having a plan for a POSSIBLE divorce. It just seems like OP is planning for an INEVITABLE divorce. Seems like a bad way to start.

[WorldKlas]

How old are the kids? In my second marriage I often regretted our marriage. Never regretted the relationship but often thought it might have been better for my child if we’d just kept things as is for about 10 years until my child was “launched.” A second divorce would be so hard on the kids, and its really difficult for kids to adjust to a new parental unit living in the household.

Take it slow. Don’t ever put him on the mortgage. Get a pre-nup. Get a joint checking account and come up with a solution for how much each puts into it.

Just FYI, probably the most stressful time in my 2nd marriage was when he became unemployed for several months. He became severely depressed and I was overwhelmed because I didn’t think he was putting enough effort into finding a job. Suddenly his inability to contribute to household expenses meant my kid couldn’t participate in little league and summer camp…. Things I could afford to pay for until all the burden was on me. It almost broke us up. Another time was when my husband became very angry with my kid on a family outing and grabbed my child by both arms and shook him. Yes, my kid was being a brat. But nobody grabs my kid. Seriously thought of divorce then! I am just writing all these thoughts from my BTDT perspective to give you food for thought. My second husband died in our 18th year of marriage and so we never did make it to retirement together….it was very sad and my son speaks lovingly of his stepdad to this day. But, again, take it slooooow!