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You mentioned that it's a recurring theme. Does that mean you're always the hosts?
My BIL and wife always have all of us over because they have several kids and they find it easier to host. Since they always host, we make sure to contribute to things like buying the turkey, preparing appetizers/side dishes/desserts, whatever fits best with their dinner plan. Since we are losing the opportunity to host in our home, we don't expect them to pay for everything all the time just because they're holding the gathering.
My two cents... if you all had communicated better, you may have been less surprised by the sibling being there. Sounds like you need some phone calls between the invite and the event, to touch base.
If you don't want the MIL's other kids around, I wouldn't invite her over and monopolize on her mother's day. That's not fair and puts her in a tough position.
When I invite you to my house, you are my guest. Don't bring food unless I expressively ask you to do so. And don't help me clean up. You're just making my disordered kitchen worse when you stack all the dishes where I need to put the coffee cups and dessert plates.
And when you invite me to your house, I'll act exactly as I would like you to act at my house.
You don't like this sibling of your spouse. So you've decided they are unwelcome in your house. Fair enough.
Your MIL doesn't want to be put in the middle and forced to choose between her children on holidays and special occasions. I can kind of see her point on this, too. I mean, should she really be expected to go to, say, five different mother's day brunches if she has five kids and none of you can get along? You mention "her other kids" as in multiple.
So I can kind of imagine a scenario where every time Christmas or Thanksgiving or Mother's day or the Fourth of July or a birthday rolls around, she must start to get a lot of anxiety just thinking about what a big to do it's going to be. Because the whole idea of everyone needing to have their own separate celebration because no one can be in the same room with each other sounds exhausting. That's really hard on kids in divorced homes who have to get shuttled from parent to parent, eating two Thanksgivings, having to abandon their Christmas at one house and shuffle off to the other parent mid-day. Kids have no agency and can't say no. But your mom at her age... I kind of can't blame her for being like, yeah, no, and just hauling your spouse's sibling along with her for mother's day. She wants her kids with her on mother's day. Who can blame her?
If everyone is able to get through dinner when you're together at her house, is there a reason you couldn't also make it through a 2-hour brunch or get together at your house?
We have been married over 20 years. It has happened 4-5 times over the past year. There is more to the story, yes. It is a sibling we’d rather not have contact with for valid reasons. We see the sibling at MILs house if we are there, but we had requested more than once several years ago that MIL not invite this sibling to our house. This is largely based on the sibling’s toxic relationship with MIL and us not wanting to have a part in that dynamic. It would be a long post to explain and isn’t solvable, other than to try to keep a healthy distance. I am trying to see this from MILs perspective and am wondering if I should just let it go.
With my family, gatherings are less frequent due to distance. Nobody appears at a sibling’s house without invitation. We offer to help with food, and guests also help with clean-up.
Yes let it go. It seems like an unfair stress on your mother in law to exclude one of her children to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Lesson learned and perhaps in the future handle Mother’s Day differently, like just send flowers and a gift certificate to a local restaurant or you ask if you can drop by to give her a Mother’s Day basket of treats and a hug.
If you mother in law keeps inviting this sibling to your house then it is you that needs to change things up , either meet at a cafe or stop inviting her and visit her.
I have never expected guests, family or friends to help with clean up. If they offer I generally say no because I want my guests to relax. If before coming they ask if they need to bring anything I might say yes depending on the reason for coming but otherwise I don’t expect it.
We invite company to be well company not free help.
If this is a recurring thing why has your husband not nipped it in the bud by sending a card and a present instead of baiting MIL to do her thing?
We invited mother-in-law to come for a meal for Mother’s Day. She told us she could come. She brought my spouse’s sibling that we hadn’t invited, without mentioning it to us. We didn’t know until they appeared at our house that the sibling would be coming. This type of thing is quite common for mother-in-law to do: invite her other kids to our house when she is coming, typically without us knowing ahead of time. I’m wondering if this is something that is generally considered appropriate for families? I had always considered it quite rude to do this. We could invite sibling directly if preferred.
Also, do other guests typically help with cooking, bringing part of the meal, or clean-up? It seems that all her kids would help, since the meal is for her, right? I’m not sure if it is rude to just ask the other sibling to assist or only accept help from them if it is offered.
This is a recurring theme, and I’m wondering if we should just accept things are this way or try to address these things that seem a bit off.
Since it's common, you should expect this and tell her in advance that if anyone else is coming that you need to know or there won't be enough food.
Yeah, it's rude but since it's a recurring theme...well then work around the problem. Family can be a PITA, and sometimes we are a PITA to our own families. Just having open communication about who is coming up front can help a lot.
As far as helping in the kitchen, while it would be nice, some relatives are just lazy sh*ts.
Either accept that as a price of attendance (one person doesn't add much more work but it's still rude unless they do stuff for you at other times) or again, address it up front.
We invited mother-in-law to come for a meal for Mother’s Day. She told us she could come. She brought my spouse’s sibling that we hadn’t invited, without mentioning it to us. We didn’t know until they appeared at our house that the sibling would be coming. This type of thing is quite common for mother-in-law to do: invite her other kids to our house when she is coming, typically without us knowing ahead of time. I’m wondering if this is something that is generally considered appropriate for families? I had always considered it quite rude to do this. We could invite sibling directly if preferred.
Also, do other guests typically help with cooking, bringing part of the meal, or clean-up? It seems that all her kids would help, since the meal is for her, right? I’m not sure if it is rude to just ask the other sibling to assist or only accept help from them if it is offered.
This is a recurring theme, and I’m wondering if we should just accept things are this way or try to address these things that seem a bit off.
I mean I think it is fine since it is your spouse’s sibling. If it was like her co-worker or something that you didn’t know, that would be rude. Does yr spouse have a good relationship with the sibling? If so I would think he/she would be happy to see them
I'm another who believes that a guest is a guest, if they offer any kind of help that's fine but for the host to have an expectation of help is not fine.
In addition I think it's rude to expect a guest to contribute food or drink unless the meal is expressly a pot luck. I know many people consider it rude for a guest to bring something and expect it to be served with the meal when the hosts may already have put the time and effort into a specific menu.
I also agree with kitkatbar, that Mother's day, birthdays, and other similar holidays are not the time to to be exclusionary with your invites. Those are occasions when most people generally prefer to celebrate with all the people they love.
If one of my children invited me for a mother's day meal with the stipulation that their sibling was not welcome I would turn it down in a heartbeat, it's disrespectful to me as a mother.
I'm another who believes that a guest is a guest, if they offer any kind of help that's fine but for the host to have an expectation of help is not fine.
In addition I think it's rude to expect a guest to contribute food or drink unless the meal is expressly a pot luck. I know many people consider it rude for a guest to bring something and expect it to be served with the meal when the hosts may already have put the time and effort into a specific menu.
I also agree with kitkatbar, that Mother's day, birthdays, and other similar holidays are not the time to to be exclusionary with your invites. Those are occasions when most people generally prefer to celebrate with all the people they love.
If one of my children invited me for a mother's day meal with the stipulation that their sibling was not welcome I would turn it down in a heartbeat, it's disrespectful to me as a mother.
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