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Yeah. I had a friend I had to drop because, oh my gosh, she changed so much when she stopped working. We'd been friends for years, but I never noticed her control issues until after that. Everything I said or did or told her about, she started telling me I "should" feel or do or react differently from the way I actually was. I tried to tell her what she was doing, but she got so offended that I would see her behavior as anything but beneficial to me, we hit an impasse and I had to get out of it. I just got so tired of being told how to feel.
I wondered if she had always been like that, but she got it out of her system at work, and when she stopped working, it all got turned on me.
Actually I've had two friends I had to let go for that reason. The other one was a cyber friend, and not for as long a duration, but it was the same thing. Whatever I said about myself, she had to, just HAD to, tell me I was wrong and should feel some other way. Again I tried to resolve it but she wouldn't see it.
I just can't stand that. Being told how to feel. I've never had one like Alice though, telling me who I can or can't be friends with based on how she feels about them. That would not last I can tell you.
My other friends are lovely people who allow me to be myself.
My wife is like your 2nd example. Most every time I share an opinion her default is to argue the other way and tell me why I am wrong for feeling as I do. In fact today she actually agreed with me and I joked about her not arguing with me. She chuckled too, I think I'll keep her.
I have a friend, (lets call her, Alice) who dumped her friend (Trudy) because Trudy is dating a man that Alice does not like.
When Alice told me what happened - of how she dumped her childhood friend because of the boyfriend, I told her that I disagree with her actions. For one, Alice does not live in this country, so to me I couldn't understand what the big deal was. She didn't have to play dramatics and tell Trudy that she is getting dumped as a friend because of the boyfriend. Alice basically blocked Trudy everywhere so that Trudy will no longer reach out to her. Second, the argument was about the boyfriend taking offense because he thought Alice was making fun of what he does for a living.
At the time Alice was telling me this story, I was playing an online game on PlayStation, when someone from that network suddenly messaged me and the message popped up on the screen. Well, lo and behold, Alice told me that she will unfriend me from the PlayStation network if I continue to talk to that person who messaged me, because the guy who messaged me and her got into a heated argument around a year ago. I told Alice that she was being unreasonable, but she insisted that it's not about control, but about her removing herself from negative people.
I could be wrong, but I feel it's a form of control. She says it's not, that she's just looking out for herself and that she wants to extract herself from negativity. Another point is that believe it or not, she's kind of popular with a network of friends, so in my opinion, I think she feels like she could dump whomever friend because she has so many of them.
What do you think? I'm I wrong in thinking that this person's actions are about controlling others, or about controlling her own environment?
Seems like you're asking the wrong question. What difference does it make whether it's about controlling people or environment/
The only real question should be: Will I allow a friend to dictate to me who else I socialize with?
Then the secondary question would be: Why am I such an inattentive friend that I'm playing games when I should be listening to my friend?
All through the election I kept hearing this from full grown women. Unbelievable. And they were educated women who should have known hearing opposing viewpoints is not going to damage them. Of, course what we call higher education today is trending toward groupthink.
I just won't have emotional arguments with people who are my friends. Discussions, yes. But if either of us starts feeling the conversation move to emotional ground it's time to table it for later when it can be discussed more rationally. Too many times during periods of hurt feelings we can say things that are harmful and who wants to hurt a friend?
I try to stay friends with people I like and in order to do that I need to respect their autonomy. In cases of illegal behavior or other dangerous choices I may create some distance but I'm around any time they need help reversing their negative direction because I believe that's what friends are for.
I know not everyone thinks like that and that's okay with me. How could it be otherwise? I can't change it.
My wife is like your 2nd example. Most every time I share an opinion her default is to argue the other way and tell me why I am wrong for feeling as I do. In fact today she actually agreed with me and I joked about her not arguing with me. She chuckled too, I think I'll keep her.
Okay, but is that because the two of you think very differently, or just because she enjoys lively discussions?
Me to Alice: "You're right, and I think I'll do the same. You're a controlling assclown, so I'm blocking you now."
This. Alice sounds like a complete loon.
I don't like hanging around nonstop negativity either, but Alice really is a trip. This is forced negativity on Alice's part as none of her friends (or former friends) interactions with so-called negative people actually had anything to do with her.
How do you guys respond to, “I just want to remove myself from people who bring negativity into my life- it’s not about control.†What is wrong with this statement? I guess I don’t know how to pinpoint a logical response. People should be able to do whatever they want but at the same time, why does it feel like it’s controlling?
It doesn't matter if it's called "controlling" or some other word (manipulative? Selfish? Take your pick.) What matters is that she is erecting an obstacle course of "do this, don't do that" into your relationship based solely on her terms. She sounds like a pain in the ass, mentally exhausting and someone who would be adding more drag than lift to my life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist
How could you talking to joe smith bring negativity into jane doe's life? It makes no sense. As long as they don't have to see or talk to each other, what you do with them doesn't matter.
I can't wrap my head around this either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tnff
This is kind of a general thought I have and may or may not apply to this situation. My feeling is too many people today have read too many pop psychology books that focus on the negative. And too many on line forums where everyone's first response to any relationship problem seems to be along the lines of "drop them; they're too negative."
I've noticed that too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveinMtAiry
My wife is like your 2nd example. Most every time I share an opinion her default is to argue the other way and tell me why I am wrong for feeling as I do. In fact today she actually agreed with me and I joked about her not arguing with me. She chuckled too, I think I'll keep her.
I think sometimes people respond to things in the way THEY would want to be responded to. Here's what I mean: I generally don't vent to people about the various things that upset me about this or that interaction. No one wants to hear about it. My only reason for talking about it would be to get a read on it-- maybe I took it the wrong way, perhaps there's another perspective I missed or what have you. So if someone responds with "I wouldn't worry about it" or "they don't know how to express appreciation" it kind of comforts me in a way that empathizing with me doesn't. I don't need someone in the muck with me. I want someone to pull me out of it.
What I despise about social discourse today is that there are to many lines in the sand drawn. It's either this or that. I cherish friendships where I feel safe to express certain opinions that may be counter what the other believes and know that they won't dump me for it, and vice versa. Mostly these fall along the lines of legislative actions and other controversial topics.
This is a question on Quora: Would you dump a friend who became friends with your enemy?
Everyone who responded said yes, they would dump that friend because they couldn't trust having conversations with them anymore. I agree. I don't want friends who might tell my enemy what we discussed and use it against me. It has nothing to do with trying to control who other people are friends with, it's self preservation.
This is a question on Quora: Would you dump a friend who became friends with your enemy?
Everyone who responded said yes, they would dump that friend because they couldn't trust having conversations with them anymore. I agree. I don't want friends who might tell my enemy what we discussed and use it against me. It has nothing to do with trying to control who other people are friends with, it's self preservation.
A long time ago, I issued an ultimatum to a friend of mine when I found out she was dating a former friend of mine who had assaulted me, a fact that she already knew. She picked him over me, so I cut her off. They eventually broke up, but I never let her back into my life, even when she begged.
Y'all have to be about 15. Dump Alice but don't sweat it, you will find new friends when you get out of HS.
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