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My wife isn't a bad mom, but I'd like to see her interact more with our kids. SHe thinks she's fine with them, so let me explain it from my perspective.
I'm the one who has most of the interaction with them, and she agrees as far as being the 'playmate' goes. I read to my kids regularly, roughhouse with them, play board games, play different sports outside and let them help me in the kitchen: French toast, grilled cheese, sandwhiches, smoothies, sno cones, pudding and baking cookies. She doesn't really do any of those things with them. I take the kids camping most weekends, and for the first few yrs she almost never came with us. This summer she's come camping more often, but she'll sit by the pool while I'm in the pool playing with the kids. WHen I read the kids a story by the campfire and roast marshmallows she's inside the camper watching tv. I don't expect her to come everywhere with us (for instance she doesn't like baseball or the Nutcracker, which we go to every Christmas) but there's quite a few other places I take the kids without her. WHen she does come with us, like a museum or to a state park, she often wants to leave before the kids and I want to.
Now she does go to their sports games and school concerts, takes them occasionally to a movie, and we all go out to eat together a few times a month. At Easter she does help them color eggs and at Christmas will help them make a gingerbread house. But these are holiday events and not regular activities.
She usually bathes them (I do sometimes), we both alternate helping with homework, but she often handles their school folders (papers that need to be signed, etc). She usually gets their snacks ready for school, though I do this type of stuff when she's away on business trips. I even took the kids on a vacation last spring without her as she didn't want to come along because she had to travel for business the following week.
She believes she does enough with them. WHile she doesn't ignore them, I'd like to see her do more things with them that are interactive, like some board games, arts and craft type things, some easy baking (cookies or muffins,etc). The things she does aren't the type of one-on-one interactive activities that help form stronger bonds and happy memories. Of course the kids love her, and she's usually the one they to go to when they want a band-aid, etc.
Am I making something out of nothing, as she maintains, or should a mom want to do more with her kids? Is it fair for me to ask her to get more involved with them, or should I be content with what she does?
Last edited by theroadlesstravelled; 09-19-2008 at 04:54 PM..
Reason: clarification
My wife isn't a bad mom, but I'd like to see her interact more with our kids. SHe thinks she's fine with them, so let me explain it from my perspective.
I'm the one who has most of the interaction with them, and she agrees as far as being the 'playmate' goes. I read to my kids regularly, roughhouse with them, play board games, play different sports outside and let them help me in the kitchen: French toast, grilled cheese, sandwhiches, smoothies, sno cones, pudding and baking cookies. She doesn't really do any of those things with them. I take the kids camping most weekends, and for the first few yrs she almost never came with us. This summer she's come camping more often, but she'll sit by the pool while I'm in the pool playing with the kids. WHen I read the kids a story by the campfire and roast marshmallows she's inside the camper watching tv. I don't expect her to come everywhere with us (for instance she doesn't like baseball or the Nutcracker, which we go to every Christmas) but there's quite a few other places I take the kids without her. WHen she does come with us, like a museum or to a state park, she often wants to leave before the kids and I want to.
Now she does go to their sports games and school concerts, takes them occasionally to a movie, and we all go out to eat together a few times a month. At Easter she does help them color eggs and at Christmas will help them make a gingerbread house. But these are holiday events and not regular activities.
She usually bathes them (I do sometimes), we both alternate helping with homework, but she often handles their school folders (papers that need to be signed, etc). She usually gets their snacks ready for school, though I do this type of stuff when she's away on business trips. I even took the kids on a vacation last spring without her as she didn't want to come along because she had to travel for business the following week.
She believes she does enough with them. WHile she doesn't ignore them, I'd like to see her do more things with them that are interactive, like some board games, arts and craft type things, some easy baking (cookies or muffins,etc). The things she does aren't the type of one-on-one interactive activities that help form stronger bonds and happy memories. Of course the kids love her, and she's usually the one they to go to when they want a band-aid, etc.
Am I making something out of nothing, as she maintains, or should a mom want to do more with her kids? Is it fair for me to ask her to get more involved with them, or should I be content with what she does?
If you want her to be more involved in those one-on-one activities, then ask her about those activities. Don't approach her with this "you don't do enough" mentality. Just tell her that the kids would like to spend some one on one time w/ her. Some women get overwhelmed very easily at doing kids' activities.
Actaully it sounds like you both do quite a lot. It will never be balanced. It sounds like she is busy with a job she needs to travel with. Does she have the more high powered job? If so then it may make sense that you have ended up spending a bit more time with them. You sure can't force her or guilt her into it. Find what kind of things she really enjoys doing with them and just encourage that....
Ask her to interact more. It sounds like even though she maybe busy with work...aren`t we all? I mean, we seem to take time out to do some "fun things with our kids, as well as "Mom" things. It needs to be pointed out to her, again.
Talk to her about how you feel. She may see things completely differently. Maybe she thinks that she does spend as much time with them as you do. Are there things that you possibly don't see?
I think the most important thing to remember is that it is not a competition; if the kids are being loved and cared for, I'd say that is all that matters.
Maybe she's just not a hands-on person. I'm sure she loves them just as much as you do, but some of the things you do with the kids are just not her thing. I don't usually get in the pool with everyone either - because I don't like to be splashed and I don't like to get my hair wet. I don't like to go to ball games and the like either. I also don't cook. But, there is no question that I love my kids. Maybe try to include her in something she might enjoy. Ask her what she would like to do that involves you and the kids.
I need to clarify some points to a few of the responses ( thanks so far, guys).
I've discussed it with her a number of times, using different approaches and angles, including how the kids enjoy the one on one interaction and their childhood memories will be more of doing things with us than shopping and going to movies. I know honey works better than vinegar.
Her job pays well but is not high powered. There's not much travel involved, usually a 2 day/1 night a few times a yr. The longer travel she's done is by choice; she's volunteered to go to some conferences to resort type destinations that last a few days.
If you ask her what she'd like to do, or suggest she offer possibilities you don't get a lot of feedback. As I said she's content with dining out and movies. Even at home, she could easily on her own do things that she likes instead of just letting them watch tv and play video games all the time. So if she doesn't want to read to them or play board games, there are certainly other options.
I agree that as long as the kids are taken care of and there's interaction with both parents than that's positive. What I am concerned about is that we don't do much as a 'family' because she often doesn't join us in things. I am also puzzled that a mom would rather watch tv or sit on the pc than watch or join her kids do a fun activitiy.
Location: from houstoner to bostoner to new yorker to new jerseyite ;)
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It sounds like she does enough already, just not the things YOU would like her to do when YOU would like her to do them. I think it's interesting that you see this as a problem when if the shoe were on the other foot --i.e. the mom doing all the "kiddie" things while the dad is peripherally involved-- as it usually is in most marriages, it wouldn't be. Maybe she's bored by "kiddie" things. Just because she has a couple of X chromosomes doesn't mean she likes to bake or do crafts, you know. Not all women can get gung-ho about play-dough.
My husband and I have different parenting roles. I am responsible for taking care of their schooling, extra curricular activities, play dates, clothing. We share the discipline and he attends school conferences and performances. We both go on outings, weekends away and vacations with the children but he is the one that gets the kick ball games in the yatd going, goes on the majority of bike rides with them, etc.
My point is, we all have roles to play and each one is just as important. Just because she does not go out with you all the time does not mean she does not interact with the children in meaningful ways...they are just different ways.
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let me clarify
