Help With Mom part2! (person, member, children, brother)
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Hi again! In my other thread a question was brought up about my mom coming to visit as a snowbird once we get moved.
Sundance thinks that would be a bad idea.
What do you all think??
For those that did not read the other thread...
Please read the Need Advice! My Mom! thread lol. (too much to type here)
My MOm said that she would like to come down and stay with us for maybe a couple of months, maybe 3 months, not sure, during the winter after we move.
I will admit that I have been worried about how that will all work out, because she is really impossible to live with.
And with all these other issues that I have with her, I am not sure if it would be very good idea or not!
And how on earth will I tell her No????
Hi again! In my other thread a question was brought up about my mom coming to visit as a snowbird once we get moved.
Sundance thinks that would be a bad idea.
What do you all think??
For those that did not read the other thread...
Please read the Need Advice! My Mom! thread lol. (too much to type here)
My MOm said that she would like to come down and stay with us for maybe a couple of months, maybe 3 months, not sure, during the winter after we move.
I will admit that I have been worried about how that will all work out, because she is really impossible to live with.
And with all these other issues that I have with her, I am not sure if it would be very good idea or not!
And how on earth will I tell her No????
Jen
for perhaps a week would be enough. I would say that. You have children, a dh and many responsibilities--(and maybe you won't really have a good place for her to stay?)
I would not make a big deal of this right now--and if and when she asks about coming to visit--that will give you time to become 'very busy'.
When the time comes for her visit to become more of a reality, discuss with your family what reasonable length of time they would want to see your mom. From what you have said, she will push for the max amount of time, and you have to gently explain to her that (whatever time you decide on) will be enough. If she insists on staying longer, plan something to where you will be gone and tell her if she insists, she will need to find other accomodations, such as a hotel. That is cruel, but from what I remember from your other thread, she is basically attaching apron strings faster than you can remove them.
UOTE=oceandreams94;783175]Hi again! In my other thread a question was brought up about my mom coming to visit as a snowbird once we get moved.
Sundance thinks that would be a bad idea.
What do you all think??
For those that did not read the other thread...
Please read the Need Advice! My Mom! thread lol. (too much to type here)
My MOm said that she would like to come down and stay with us for maybe a couple of months, maybe 3 months, not sure, during the winter after we move.
I will admit that I have been worried about how that will all work out, because she is really impossible to live with.
And with all these other issues that I have with her, I am not sure if it would be very good idea or not!
And how on earth will I tell her No????
I would wait to move and then deal with it. IMO I dont like to create problems before they arise. Perhaps, when the time comes she will have no interest in comming down or you'll miss her so much that you'll want her to come. If indead she does come just let her know that she can nly stay for X amount if time. But wait until you have to cross that bridge.
I said what I did because, right now, your Mom isn't even living with you, but if you allow her to spend winters, she will be in your home for MONTHS at a time.
Does this sound like a good idea?
She is already clinging to you so tightly you're moving out of the area. How do you know, if you allow her to come and move in in the wintertime, how do you know she will even LEAVE come spring???
She might throw some sort of fit, or have a convenient "accident" (sprained ankle, etc.), that requires her to be "laid up," i.e., incapacitated and unable to leave your home.....not only THAT, but you would THEN become her nursemaid!!!
Please...I mean no disrespect towards your Mother, but this sounds like a distinct possibility to me!
Of course, you don't have to borrow trouble - if she mentions/asks about it now, just say "we'll see." But I wouldn't agree to it....just change the subject, if at all possible, and move on to something else.
Good luck in any event.
Sundance, I totally agree with you! I can really see somethng like that happening and it would be horrible!
Its not that I wouldnt want her to come down, but I do need her to leave after a certain amount of time.
These past few days have been horrible because she is trying to think of any way possible to get me to not go.
We are taking our dog with us and she says that our dog needs to be shot, yes, SHOT, and that its a mistake to take him. He is an outside dog, and part of our family.
Then she again has been bringing up the fact that we owe her all kinds of money and that she is having problems affording her taxes and that its our fault.. I dont know if this is true or not, but that makes me feel terrible.
I know we do owe her money from the past, but it wasnt until we told her that we were moving that she started saying that she cant keep up with her taxes...
After we get moved I am going to start sending her money a little at a time to just pay her back, so that she cant hold this over our heads anymore.
Then she said that she tore my kids' pictures off of her fridge the other day because she cant stand to look at them anymore and know that she wont see them anymore.
I told her that this would be HER choice, since she is more than welcome to come see us after we move.
She said..."How can you take those kids away from me and the family?"
Well "the family" as she puts it are so busy with thier own lives that I never hear from them anyway.
And she is just too clingy, and I feel like if I dont move, I will almost go crazy.
I have a similar problem with my brother, although to a MUCH lesser degree. He's always calling and hinting at spending a couple of days at our house (he's not married) and when he does it is very difficult to get rid of him. We literally have to say that we are leaving on a trip or something and that he has to go before he will leave. He'll even sit there and not move while we're walking out the door. Finally, we just have to say "please, we have to go" and then of course, he gets angry. It then becomes apparent that he never intended to stay only two days to begin with; he wanted to just come and go as he please. He's even asked us if he can stay and take care of our house while we're gone - as he's being ushered out the door.
IMO, you'd be making a big mistake letting her come to see you for months at a time. Once she gets a foot in the door, she'll cook up any number of ideas to keep on staying and staying; kind of like an energizer bunny version of "the people that would not leave." You need to set a period of time (for example, a couple of days) and then after that - it's go go time for Mom.
I have a similar problem with my brother, although to a MUCH lesser degree. He's always calling and hinting at spending a couple of days at our house (he's not married) and when he does it is very difficult to get rid of him. We literally have to say that we are leaving on a trip or something and that he has to go before he will leave. He'll even sit there and not move while we're walking out the door. Finally, we just have to say "please, we have to go" and then of course, he gets angry. It then becomes apparent that he never intended to stay only two days to begin with; he wanted to just come and go as he please. He's even asked us if he can stay and take care of our house while we're gone - as he's being ushered out the door.
IMO, you'd be making a big mistake letting her come to see you for months at a time. Once she gets a foot in the door, she'll cook up any number of ideas to keep on staying and staying; kind of like an energizer bunny version of "the people that would not leave." You need to set a period of time (for example, a couple of days) and then after that - it's go go time for Mom.
Ugh! Why are some relatives like this??
I agree, I really would rather not have her there. Well, we will see what happens in the next several months.
I just hope I can get moved down there without losing my sanity!!!
I agree, I really would rather not have her there. Well, we will see what happens in the next several months.
I just hope I can get moved down there without losing my sanity!!!
Jen
It's called emotional abuse, and if they find out it works, they will keep using it until you put your foot down.
My mother was so good at emotional abuse. She kept me so down all the time I didn't even think I was a good person. Believe me, it is a control issue, and the money shot just cements it.
You are just going to have to put up a very brave front and continue with your plans. Once you 'get out from her thumb' you will see things in a much different light and will grow strong enough to handle her onslaught.
Yes, you do love her, but that does not mean that she has the right to use that love to control you. Stand firm and ask for help from your hubby, I am sure he can see what is going on.
Yes, it will be rough at first, but trust me, it does get better and once she sees she has no hold on you anymore, you can learn to forgive and then begin to work on a good relationship with your Mom.
I have a better relationship with my Mom than ever before, but now she respects who I am and does not try to run my life. It was hard to get to this point, and I thought I might have lost any hope of any relationship with her, but thank God for blessing us both with a much better one.
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