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Perhaps a lot of why locals prefer chatting with other locals is that when locals are talking to locals the conversation doesn't have to be stopped to make explanations and subtle jokes can be traded back and forth, and in pidgin, too. There's also a comfortable common outlook, sort of a common understanding of the island's ways, traditions and morality. The conversation can be about the topic instead of trying to explain some sort of background information. If you're chatting with another local, then you've already exchanged back grounds and genealogy, too. Frequently mainland folks just exchange name and consider it enough. Local style, you exchange names, find out what high school was graduated from, who the family is, etc. It's sort of affirmation of the community connections each person has.
You may also have been unknowingly tested by folks to see if you're ready for local friends and failed the test. Have you visited someone's house and forget to leave your shoes at the door? Someone gives you a plate of cookies and you gave them back the plate empty? Got an invitation to a baby luau and not go? Or go and not take anything? Everyone else brings treats to share at work and you don't reciprocate? Invited to the local Obon dance and don't go? Rush off instead of taking time to talk story? Brag about what you've done and aren't humble? Unfavorably compared Hawaii to the mainland? Etc., etc.
There's about a zillion and one things done Hawaii style different than the mainland, most of them have to do with community, family and giving, though, so it's pretty easy to figure out what areas to look into for how to integrate better if you think it may be a concern.
That might be part of it, but I think in general people are quicker to forgive ignorance than they are someone who's a prick in general. Maybe not a 100% fair assessment, but there are quite a few mainlanders that come here with a chip on their shoulder and an unwillingness to try to fit in. Some of the stuff you mentioned is part of it. I guess general rule of thumb is to give at least what you take. My brother's been to potlucks on the mainland where everyone just wanted to bring the paper plates and napkins, and no one wanted to bring main dishes. Here, it's the opposite, where parties have WAY too much food. People bring like 5x what they themselves can eat.
I still think it's easy to befriend people who are similar to you or have similar interests.
When my brother and his wife moved to Oahu in the early 1980s he was a Science/math teacher at an old established Private School in Honolulu.. his wife a broker at a major Investment firm...
most of the people they hooked up with for friendship were people not from the Islands, but people like themselves without family in the area..maybe one or two locals..an Aussie, a girl from Liverpool, England...some Filipinos, some Californians..
They became a ' Family' of sorts..
sharing Holidays, birthdays etc. together
Their ranks have thinned considerably over the years, deaths, some selling their homes at a great profit, and moving back to the mainland after retirement..
But they were and still are, a tight bunch..what is left of them.
The easiest place in my opinion is to start with work. Start asking people to go to lunch. Happy Hour.
I'm not religious so this doesn't work for everyone - church and church events.
There are a lot of meetup groups on the island. A lot.
Go to your local dive bar (if you drink) - sit at the bar, in fairly short order you'll see who the "regulars" are - strike up a conversation.....Buy them a shot, that can certainly jump start the friend process.
Your neighbors may or may not be the toughest nut to crack - having kids the same age as your neighbors can certainly help break the ice. Some may want nothing to do with you - ever - don't bother with them.
OP, you smoke cigars? Like to shoot firearms. Those can be tight knit groups as well.
If you do smoke, let me know, and I can put you in touch with some guys that meet weekly to smoke in town. I don't smoke with them often, but when I do, I'm always welcome. And they'd welcome anyone who is pretty mellow and cool and enjoys having a cigar or two after work.
Most people on the island that are networking with friends usually mean which private High School they graduated from. Graduating from one of them offers you certain advantage to get a job with good prospect on the island.
Chatting with locals usually is limited to quite narrow perspective. For example, when they mean travel, they usually mean travel to either Disneyland or Vegas.
When I said that I have married for 25 years, most would ask me if she is the same partner.
One of the things I noticed is that with co-workers I am a very friendly outgoing person. At least to a point. Yes, I take my shoes off at the door (I do that at my own home) and at times I even buy food for co-workers as a thank you, so I try to aheed to the local ways. But I find many locals a work like to gossip and can't keep secrets about yourself to themselves. One local friend I have said he is close, but not that close as to tell them close things about himself, he doesn't trust them that much and is afraid they may use his flaws, secrets, or weaknesses against him and I must agree.
First, I think I am an enigma to many. I'm not that into sports except the Super Bowl which I watch every year. When I was younger, I preferred to play it then watch it. I do drink but I don't do karaoke which is very popular here, just never got that drunk to perform. I smoke cigars but maybe like a handful of times a year due to my wife worrying about my health. I listen to every type of music except country western.
I Love 80s comedy, like the Saturday night live days, most locals my age I talk to never seen caddy shack, space balls, blues brothers, coming to America, trading places, benny hill, little shop of horrors, the jerk, which I find odd. They will mostly tell me about old local comedy shows from back in the day, which unfortunately I don't find that funny, but I force myself to laugh.
I Love collecting comics from the 50s and 60s, classic novels, Star Wars, playing chess, talking about Japanese history or martial arts and anime, and a little interest in video games. For many I talk to, I'm likable but just can't relate to my tastes in things. Honestly even as a kid, my tastes made me an odd duck but I could find other odd ducks more easily in Michigan. When I do find odd ducks at comic cons and such, I think I come off too social because they are fine standing in line or waiting and talking to me, but once I say we should hang out some time, I usually get a oh ok cool, I hang around such and such, look for me there (what the hell???)
One anime club I went to. I was given the cold shoulder and looked at oddly. I would ask questions about the anime or etc and just get a shrugged shoulder as an answer. So I never went back.
Another thing I find is that I live in Kapolei. And I don't mind visiting people but many feel coming from in town to Kapolei is too far for them to do but it's ok for me to do it all the time if I want. To me, it's not even far. But to locals is another matter...
re: cigars. Not saying they're harmless or anything, obviously any air you breathe that contains things other than what's naturally in the atmosphere can do harm, but there was a kaiser study done on smoking. To raise your health risk from "none" to "low" for some smoking related diseases, you'd have to smoke 5+ cigars a day, every day, which IMO is an obscene amount of cigars. If you estimate that a cigar takes 1 hour to smoke, and many are longer than an hour, that means you're smoking cigars 5 hours per day, every day.
It is the chemicals added to cigarettes that are most harmful. Tobacco itself is relatively benign. Cigar smokers puff infrequently, and don't inhale much. Cigarette smokers smoke with the intent of inhaling into the lungs.
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Seems like you're into nerdier hobbies (nothing wrong with that). I think part of the issue meeting and getting to know people with like interests is that people that like these hobbies tend to be introverted, and not really want to meet people in real life, and instead hang out with only a few close friends. Easier to make online acquaintances via dedicated forums than real life friends. Whereas sports can be the opposite.
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kapolei is too far unless there really is a good reason for driving out there. It's probably more a matter of what's actually there than it is distance. Most of the population is centrally located, and most of the activity is also centrally located. Look at comicon, concerts, and the other events, located in the convention center or other locations in town. That's why, unless they're interested in dive bars or raunchy strip clubs, west siders come into town for friday/saturday night activity.
Also realize that you're in what would be considered on the mainland as suburbs. So the people you meet will tend to have younger kids, which means their interests like in their kids activities like soccer/baseball/football/etc. If you had kids yourselves, I'm sure you'd have no issues with making friends that revolve around their kids sports teams.
Back in Michigan my friends were a bit introverted but it seems like here the "geeks and nerds" are highly introverted. I always thought of my old gang from college and the neighborhood as similar to the Big Bang group. Yes, we were introverted but we had girlfriends, had sex, dated and even married and had children. Many of the geeks and nerds here not only not do those things. But then they tend to be highly isolated and to themselves or have a handfull of friends and are highly guarded. Many would rather stay constantly on Facebook, on forums all weekend, or at a gaming cafe all night, which I'm sorry but all of these activities seem highly antisocial to me. I like in real life interaction. Which is making it highly difficult for me to have a close group of friends.
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