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OT kinda Yorkie Mom, darling, please please please from this day forward do NOT expect ppl to do as you do. They will rarely be as generous as you are, they will rarely go out of their way as you do, they will rarely be as giving and kind as you are. Do not expect ppl to do for you as you do for them. On the rare occasion that it DOES happen, be grateful and enjoy it but do NOT expect this. If you do, you will spend your time being disappointed. If you are a person divorcing, do NOT expect your ex to be as fair as you. If you are Christmas shopping, do NOT expect your friend to be as thoughtful as you are. If you are continually watching the kids down the street, do NOT expect their mother to return the favor. Do NOTHING expecting the favor to be returned. I know this sounds harsh and like I am "down" on the world, but for people who are compulsive givers (is this a real term? LOL), this is the reality. Continual disappointment and eventually bitterness. "I helped her when she was sick, but she can't help me w/my new baby?" etc... I am not saying that ppl are generally selfish and cruel, but do not give in the hopes of someone returning the favor as wonderfully as you did. You can bust your tail giving and giving, but this won't "make" ppl love you more. Do what you can, when you can and the good ones will stick around.
I suppose I haven't officially "dropped" this friend.. but it basically feels like it.
She and I have been friends for about 8 years. Through highschool I was always there for her to pick up the peices of her broken relationships and such. And she was there for me as much as she could have been. When my husband and I started dating, she threw a fit. We hashed it out many times about her being jealous of me.. and me just wanting to hang out with her and things could still be the same.. but they never were. She would spend time with us, when she had a boyfriend. She wouldn't even hang out with just me alone.. because she didn't want James to feel the same way she did. In the end we kinda made up. I asked her to be in my wedding, and she threw a fit that she was not the maid of honor. She did other misc. things as well. As much as I was there for her when she was SAD.. she couldnt find time to be there for me during one of the most important times in my life. We basically haven't talked since. Maybe an email or two every other month. Oh well.
I have an amazing circle of friends now.. and I wouldnt trade them for anything.
Hi, Just want to thank you and MoMark, and everyone else with the good information, and ideas you have given me.
Celtic you sound like a great person and I will take your advice, thanks. MoMark, you have got me read pretty good, I am not mad at what you wrote, it is just so suprising when it is all wrote down on paper, great job!!!
I am going to change my ways, I have started with some, just need to keep it going, I just don't like the guilt they throw at you when you say no.
Thanks for the input, take care all, talk to you soon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticLady1
YorkieMom, let me give you a piece of advice. And, I mean this in the very best way, trust me. You can be a good friend, a good person without "bending over", or letting people walk all over you. No one can use you, if you don't give them permission to do so. It is up to you, to make people treat you right. You don't have to let anyone dump on you. So, pick youself up off of that doormat. Give yourself that power, and stop giving it to other people. (And, learn to say NO! It's perfectly okay! ).
Very good advice, I have been trying to work on it, but now I take and put my daughter first and forget the rest, that can be good or bad to a point, I choose to take one day at a time, right now I have been trying to tell my husband we don't have extra money for the grandchildren for Christmas, and that we need to worry about our own child first.
I think I am fighting a losing battle. What do you and everyone think on this? I am waiting on my SSD, my husband just went off his work comp, we really have no income coming in right now, and bills need to be paid, so I told my husband we need to think of our household before we can worry about someone else. Our daughter gets from no one except from us, for Christmas or any time, so give me ideas on how to work this out. Sorry I got off track. I should maybe start a post on this. Thanks everyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkmewright
OT kinda Yorkie Mom, darling, please please please from this day forward do NOT expect ppl to do as you do. They will rarely be as generous as you are, they will rarely go out of their way as you do, they will rarely be as giving and kind as you are. Do not expect ppl to do for you as you do for them. On the rare occasion that it DOES happen, be grateful and enjoy it but do NOT expect this. If you do, you will spend your time being disappointed. If you are a person divorcing, do NOT expect your ex to be as fair as you. If you are Christmas shopping, do NOT expect your friend to be as thoughtful as you are. If you are continually watching the kids down the street, do NOT expect their mother to return the favor. Do NOTHING expecting the favor to be returned. I know this sounds harsh and like I am "down" on the world, but for people who are compulsive givers (is this a real term? LOL), this is the reality. Continual disappointment and eventually bitterness. "I helped her when she was sick, but she can't help me w/my new baby?" etc... I am not saying that ppl are generally selfish and cruel, but do not give in the hopes of someone returning the favor as wonderfully as you did. You can bust your tail giving and giving, but this won't "make" ppl love you more. Do what you can, when you can and the good ones will stick around.
WOW, you said it all. I have told my mother and the rest of my siblings to F/Off and I meant it, I no longer have anything to do with them, I have just taken one of my stepsons to court for money he owed back for a down payment on his house, I won the case but I am still waiting for the money, it may sound like I am a royal BI#CH but I have to stick up for myself and my daughter. It seems like I can hold this up for a while then I tend to melt down, but I do feel that I am on a mission this time, and I don't care what they think.
I guess with friends, I have the one, but I would rather have acquaintances instead, that way you don't get in to deep, and don't get hurt. It is very hard to teach my daughter about self esteem, when I struggle with it everyday, I am hoping that with the changes I make in my life she will see that is ok to say no. [quote=MoMark;211904]I agree with CelticLady1 YorkiMom.
If you read through your posts, you have it coming at you from every direction..
- Your husband doesn't defend you.
-Your three adult stepsons are way over the age of majority and bleeding you dry after being turned by their mother against you.
-Your daughter's grandmother doesn't give her the time of day.
-Your friends drop you although you bend over backwards for them.
-Your friends take from you but don't give back.
-Your family treats you badly.
-You describe doing for everyone else because regardless of the cost to you, if they're happy, you're happy (Martyr Syndrome)
The way you describe your life in various threads, when one puts all the pieces together, one has to legitimately ask oneself....where is YorkiMom responsible for this as it's too pervasive and too encompassing to be a fluke. It's you who has to change this YorkieMom. You're allowing this and encouraging this somehow.
Change how you look at yourself and view the world. Pretend if you have to, even it that means becoming a megabitch for awhile to get the hang of saying "no".
Call people on their actions and hold them accountable.
Avoid screaming and crying to try to influence people if you do it. Stay calm and controlled and state the obvious truths you see.
Realize it's YOU who has control of your life...if you want it. Part of the negativity you may be experiencing from a 360 degree circle is possibly from people who see you flaking out on self-respect and simply don't want to be around that kind of black hole of "poor me" misery. It's difficult to want to be around people who are so negative about themselves as it's depressing.
You can be happy.
You can make your life what you want it to be and that doesn't require money or material things.
It requires you making a decision to live.
I hope we get to read some positive things from you soon Yorkiemom...like telling your mom or mother-in-law, whichever one is the main problem, a non-Christian F/U.
And telling those adult leech stepsons to get lives and forget handouts,
and holding your husband accountable for being your husband with his primary responsibility being to you.
If you don't make changes (and honestly...there's no way to know if you really want to), you'll be battling the same issues for the rest of your life.
I don't mean to offend you, I truly don't. I just hope that you can step outside yourself and realize you have the power...you do...to make the changes you say you want and that doesn't mean having to become superbitch and slay the world
Very good advice, I have been trying to work on it, but now I take and put my daughter first and forget the rest, that can be good or bad to a point, I choose to take one day at a time, right now I have been trying to tell my husband we don't have extra money for the grandchildren for Christmas, and that we need to worry about our own child first.
I think I am fighting a losing battle. What do you and everyone think on this? I am waiting on my SSD, my husband just went off his work comp, we really have no income coming in right now, and bills need to be paid, so I told my husband we need to think of our household before we can worry about someone else. Our daughter gets from no one except from us, for Christmas or any time, so give me ideas on how to work this out. Sorry I got off track. I should maybe start a post on this. Thanks everyone.
Hey YorkieMom,
Here's my vote. Absolutely, take care of your daughter, first! I presume the grandchildren have their own parents and perhaps other grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., to give them gifts. You are not under obligation to do what you cannot afford to do, or to try and keep up with other members of family as to how much you spend. I spend the most on my son, because he is still at home, (although I did tell him that this is his last "big" year). I don't spend near as much on any of my grandkids, (and, we have six), or on my daughter, step-daughter or their husbands. Just be upfront with the rest of the family, and tell them that your finances are such that you cannot afford gifts for everyone else in the family. I believe in the old adage that "charity starts at home", and then branches out from there, as you are able. The adults in your family should be able to understand the situation, and they should take the time to explain to the kids, in such a way as to assure them that Grandpa and Grandma love all of them very much, and that they would like to give them gifts, but it is just not possible this year.
WOW, you said it all. I have told my mother and the rest of my siblings to F/Off and I meant it, I no longer have anything to do with them, I have just taken one of my stepsons to court for money he owed back for a down payment on his house, I won the case but I am still waiting for the money, it may sound like I am a royal BI#CH but I have to stick up for myself and my daughter. It seems like I can hold this up for a while then I tend to melt down, but I do feel that I am on a mission this time, and I don't care what they think.
I guess with friends, I have the one, but I would rather have acquaintances instead, that way you don't get in to deep, and don't get hurt. It is very hard to teach my daughter about self esteem, when I struggle with it everyday, I am hoping that with the changes I make in my life she will see that is ok to say no.
You have my vote too YorkieMom. You are not a BIT#CH - you just have to take care of yourself and your daughter and teach her that it's o.k. to put yourself first - or at least close to the top of the list. My family has had a real wakeup call this past year. I was diagnosed with lupus and if I'm having a flare they have to take care of themselves. I only have one child left at home and he's in high school. My husband and kids are great but I did it to myself by being and doing everything for them. It was time to take care of myself.
I've had to drop a friend that I've had for almost 40 years. Growing up it was always me that gave and gave, she always had an excuse why she stood me up, etc. Last year her son was killed in a car accident and I drove over 1000 miles to be there for her and attend the funeral. I have called and/or sent a note every couple of weeks since. She hasn't handled it well so I told her that I would come up again. I got to where she lives (after another 1000 mile drive - one way) and she wasn't home. Her neighbor told me she thought she was gone for the weekend. She called me a couple of days later when I was on my way home with yet again another excuse. I told her I was done!
Everytime I see this thread out in the main forum,I think it means like did ya ever drop your friend off a mountain or something.
LOL, thought about it.
Now I'm stressed out wondering if I should send my (ex) friend a Christmas Card. This just happened so I feel it would be really cold not to but if I do isn't that giving mixed signals? My mother said to send a card last minute and write a note saying I'm sorry how things have turned out but wish her well.
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