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" Have you ever noticed ? Anybody going slower than you is a idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George carlin
Quote:
Originally Posted by absiesmom
Let's see if I remember how this goes..
If toast always falls butter-side down and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
.....Steven Wright....
Those are two of my favorite comedians... brilliant. Here are a few more gems:
George Carlin -
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Steven Wright -
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Those are two of my favorite comedians... brilliant. Here are a few more gems:
George Carlin -
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Steven Wright -
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
My husband and I are sitting here laughing our a$$es off as I read these to him (especially the one about chinese mothers using toothpicks) LMAO!!!! We love George Carlin (and Steven Wright)
"Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives."--Andy Rooney
From Dr.Phil - as he describes things an "Old Gray Dog" (an oldtimer who could be anyone we know) would tell a young person just learning the game:
"Make a plan and work the plan. Life is not a dress rehearsal."
"Before your life can go in the right direction, you have to pull your head out and stop going in the wrong direction"
And... "If you continue to do what you've always done,
you will continue to have what you have always had.
If you do different, you will have different."
" I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become".
"Lots of people want to ride with you in a limo, but what you want to find is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
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