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I have a dd 13. For about the past 1-2 years, she's been increasingly snitty and disrespectful.
I have another thread on health and wellness titled "What's wrong with me" Not to repeat myself, but lately I've experienced some puzzling and distressing medical problems we're in the process of trying to diagnosis. Meanwhile, we recently packed and moved to another city.
I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis), which I've had for years and is under control with medication. However, last January, I fell and injured my lower pelvis. I had surgery in March, it appeared successful, then, about a month ago, I started experiencing problems with balance and leg muscle weakness. I actually fell at the doctor's office and had to be driven home, later went to an ER to rule out stroke. Although its not a stroke, I have an appt with a neurologist Aug 7 to rule out other problems, that's the soonest I can get in.
My dh had to move on ahead to secure his job in the new city, leaving me with 2 kids dd 13 and ds 13, to finish packing and follow. Like I said, I was doing ok until this sudden problem. Well, I reached a point where I could barely function, could barely walk around the house. I managed with help of cleaning crews, moving companies, etc, but did need the kids help from time to time. DS was somewhat helpful at times, when he felt like it, but DD not only wouldn't do a thing around the house, she wouldn't lift a finger to help me;
Here's some examples:
We had a long, narrow galley type kitchen. I coluld barely walk into the kitchen. I asked dd to help me get something to eat (was using a walker) she flat out ignored me. I managed to struggle to the fridge, got a frozen dish out, put it in the microwave, which was right next to the firdge, again, begged dd to help, again, she just sneered at me. Finally, when the dish was done, I begged her to help me get it to the table so I could sit down and eat. She then replied "if you can get it from the fridge to the microwave, you can get it to the table" although the table was quite some distance. I managed to eat standing up, then hobbled back to bed on my walker, her watching and sneering the whole time.
Another time I dropped some medicine on the floor, asked her to pick it up for me, she said "doctor says you can, you just don't want to" Doctor has said I could bend to tolerance, I couldn't manage that manuever of bending down and picking up the bottle. It sat there until dh came home to pick it up, meanwhile I went without my meds.
Just last week I tried hobbling out to the kitchen, she was sitting right there, I froze half way in the kitchen and couldn't walk any further, I begged her to help, she wouldn't even respond. Finally ds did come to my assistance, helped me to a chair and got me something to eat.
Later, her father asked her why she wouldn't help me. She said she's "not my servant" and "she doesn't get me food" Ok, her father told her we pay $175/month for her braces. She's at the beginning of a new phase, for which we'd pay ~$2000. Instead, he will have her braces removed. We will have to pay to settle up with the orthodontist, but its cheaper than paying for more orthodontic care. In essence, if she can't get me food, he's not going to worry about getting her teeth.
She then said she would have helped, but I "didn't ask her nicely". I asked over and over, while in fear of passing out, how "nice" is a person supposed to be? The other day we were out running errands, dh and I felt thirsty, stopped at a MCD, got ourselves a coke and fries, didn't get her anything. Is that fair? How many times did she fix herself something right in front of me and wouldn't even get me a glass of water, regardless of how I asked? Then she said "what about me"? DH told her "you didn't ask us nicely" then drove off.
So, is that "fair"? I agree with DH, why should we put ourselves under a financial strain to provide perfect teeth for someone who can't even help me with a simple meal, then actually says "I don't get you food" OK, then, we don't get you teeth, case closed!
I don't think refusing to fix her teeth is going to do anything. Something needs to be done about this, or she'll continue to walk all over you. It is hard for me to even imagine a person treating their hurt parent like this. I feel like there is more to this story. And it isn't about being "fair." It is about having common courtesy.
ETA taking away something that is the biggest financial burden on you doesn't necessarily mean anything to her. You have to take away something that SHE cares about.
I would be in a state of shock if my dd talked to me like that. Where is any respect? This should have never been allowed to get this bad. I will need to think about what I would do. I would be so disappointed in her for having that kind of attitude but I would also have to question my parenting ability as to why I let it get this far to begin with.
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
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Why are you trying to be fair with her? There is no such thing as fair in life and she had better learn that. Sheesh! She would be grounded for life and sleeping on the floor in an empty room if she were my child. How did it ever get to the point where you accepted this type of behavior and attitude from your child?
I don't know.... I definitely get the feeling something is off in your message. You're not telling the whole story for sure. Can't quite put my finger on it...maybe everything is a huge drama with you. What is for sure is your daughter didn't just wake up one morning and decide to act like this.
I would be in a state of shock if my dd talked to me like that. Where is any respect? This should have never been allowed to get this bad. I will need to think about what I would do. I would be so disappointed in her for having that kind of attitude but I would also have to question my parenting ability as to why I let it get this far to begin with.
Well, regardless of where I "went wrong" obviously I didn't "do right" 12+ years of parenting have produced these results, the only thing I can do is change my parenting style. Again, I don't have psychic powers, I can't be expected to look backwards and analyze every little wrong turn, all I can do is go from here.
What we did, starting today, we took away all but the bare necessities. She has a minimal wardrobe, we took away her laptop, cell phone, TV, and, no snacks in the fridge. I told her until she learns to at least treat me with the same respect she'd show a dog, she doesn't get anything more than the basics of living. If she doesn't straighten out by school time, she won't get any new school clothes, she can wear whatever she has.
I told her she treats me like a damned dog, to which she replied with an ugly sneer "what do you want, a biscuit"? Oh, that set he back big time. I will manage to get her some basic school clothes, she will get NOTHING else for the entire semester, next semester IF she's shown respect she may get some nice things. Meanwhile, I will buy myself some new clothes, I barely have anything decent, the kids always have nice, new things, its about time I got my share.
Meanwhile, I'm quite worried about my own health. At times I can manage better than others, but essentially am house bound and must use a wheelchair when out places. If she pushes it, she manages to ram me into walls, when I protest, she says "I can't see in front of the wheelchair" Hey, anyone would protest being rammed into a wall repeatedly. I don't go anywhere with her, if I do go out at all, dh must take me. Do realize, this all happened recently, the last month or so, prior to that I was independent, now I'm an invalid, this is like the story "Misery".
Last edited by MaryleeII; 07-30-2010 at 01:07 PM..
Why are you trying to be fair with her? There is no such thing as fair in life and she had better learn that. Sheesh! She would be grounded for life and sleeping on the floor in an empty room if she were my child. How did it ever get to the point where you accepted this type of behavior and attitude from your child?
Exactly! If my child ever talked to me like that they'd have their phone, iPod, social privileges, etc. taken away so fast it'd make their head spin. You need to stop trying to please your daughter.
Why are you trying to be fair with her? There is no such thing as fair in life and she had better learn that. Sheesh! She would be grounded for life and sleeping on the floor in an empty room if she were my child. How did it ever get to the point where you accepted this type of behavior and attitude from your child?
I'm not accepting it anymore. We've taken away all luxuries, all she has is a bed, nothing else, and basic wardrobe. I didn't "accept" this behavior so mush as she displayed it and I reacted to it, there's a difference.
I'm not accepting it anymore. We've taken away all luxuries, all she has is a bed, nothing else, and basic wardrobe. I didn't "accept" this behavior so mush as she displayed it and I reacted to it, there's a difference.
Good for you! Once she sees that you're not going to tolerate her brat-like behavior, she'll change realllll fast. Trust me.
I don't know.... I definitely get the feeling something is off in your message. You're not telling the whole story for sure. Can't quite put my finger on it...maybe everything is a huge drama with you. What is for sure is your daughter didn't just wake up one morning and decide to act like this.
Actually, that's the puzzling part, she did almost change overnight. She was such a sweet little girl, then just did a 180 degree turn. It really started the day she started middle school, I mean, she just came home the first day an entirely different person. I tried my best to work with her and the changes in her life, but she decided I wasn't worth spitting on.
For example, this was sometime last Fall, we went shopping for new clothes. Despite being in poor health and have diffidulty walking, I struggled my best to take her to several stores, bought her a lot of nice things (didn't get myself a single thing). Our last stop was Walmart. I told her I was feeling somewhat tired, so, we got a MCD, sat in the car and ate, I took some tylenol, basically got my second wind, then continued on. Well, she took off from me like a shot, simply ran on ahead, although I called to her repeatedly to slow down, then finally I found a bench and sat down, all I could do was wait for her to find me, I called her cell finally. Then when she came back she said "she walks fast, I walk too slow, she can't help it if I'm crippled" She also had a basket loaded with stuff. I told her I'm leaving now, if she wants to come with me, follow, otherwise, she can walk home. She said we need to pay for the stuff first. I said "what stuff?" You expect me to pay for all that and can't even stay with me?"
We'd already bought a lot of clothes at other stores, I was too tired to return them that night. The following day, dh returned them. We didn't say anything, just let her wonder where her new clothes were.
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