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My ex and I never really got into the whole issue of "custody", the kids lived where they lived, depending on what was best for everyone. Sometimes it was with me, sometimes with him. When they were with me, and he had more money than I, he paid child support. When they were with him, I paid child support. We did not really fight about it, or really even discuss it much. Everything just sort of worked out. Yes, some place we have a paper that spelled everything out...we went to a divorced parents class, that all people had to take who had children, and they were passing out calendars for each parent, to write which days the kids were with whom, for the entire year...so that everyone would know...my ex and I just looked at each other and laughed...really, who is that rigid? Anyway, just do what is best for everyone...it will all work out in the end.
I can understan your feelings, but guilt may not be the right description. You have custody and she is required to pay child support and you feel RESPONSIBLE. Mentally you KNOW she has made her chpices, but EMOTIONALLY you think you should make this transition easier on her. Chances are, whatever support the kids get is not a great amount... if it is like my the support my (step)kids get, it is a small pittance toward the financial responsibilites the custodial home has.
My DH felt responsible for his ex-wife early in their divorce. As time wore on, he was able to seperate her situation (financial, emotional) from her responsibility to the kids. She will cry poverty, bounce checks and neglect medical bills, while she travels croos-country for a convention for a teenie-bopper fad (she is 40).
She has placed the kids in the middle by telling them to tell their dad not to cash the child support check because she is 'broke'. I have begged my DH to get child support paid through the courts so that the kids aren't the mailmen who deliver her check or her advocate when she can't support her kids.
If you feel guilty, give it back. If you feel responsible, step back and let her take responsibility for her own actions. She has made choices, until she has to be responsible for her choices, she will not learn to make better choices.
I can understan your feelings, but guilt may not be the right description.
I may have missed it, but I don't think OP said he feels guilty. He feels a different kind of bad - sad that it didn't work out, concerned for someone he has loved, etc. All that seems normal to me.
Someone (a friend going through a divorce) once told me that grieving over a divorce was like grieving over a death.
I may have missed it, but I don't think OP said he feels guilty. He feels a different kind of bad - sad that it didn't work out, concerned for someone he has loved, etc. All that seems normal to me.
Someone (a friend going through a divorce) once told me that grieving over a divorce was like grieving over a death.
Sorry, misunderstanding. Where I am from, when you say you feel bad about a situation like this, it translates to feeling guilty.
My mistake, I forget that not everyone talks like we do here.
I am a male in his late thirty's going through a divorce, I just got custody of my children and mom has to pay child support......Okay so is it normal for me to feel bad about this.....i mean I tried to hold on to my marriage and she wanted out.. I'm curious, I want to get some opinions.....
I'd jump for joy every day for the next year if I were in your situation.
She has placed the kids in the middle by telling them to tell their dad not to cash the child support check because she is 'broke'. I have begged my DH to get child support paid through the courts so that the kids aren't the mailmen who deliver her check or her advocate when she can't support her kids.
If you feel guilty, give it back. If you feel responsible, step back and let her take responsibility for her own actions. She has made choices, until she has to be responsible for her choices, she will not learn to make better choices.
I think that's a very good point. Feeling sorry for or pity can lead to "enabling".
Sometimes what seemed to be a good parent was just someone going through the motions, but they may not really be all that great a parent in reality. Sometimes their problems get in the way, or once on their own almost seem to forget their responsibilities toward their children. They may be nice to the kids when around them, they may even promise them all sorts of things but never follow through.
But sometimes - and it all depends, the responsible parent might just decide to let the other off the hook for support and responsibility. That might not always be the right thing to do either, maybe they shouldn't get off so easily.
Really the custodial parent just has to always be there for the kids and help the kids cope with the break up of the family. Kids don't have to suffer greatly - it all depends on how the adults handle it.
May be i'm reading into this, but I don't think you're actually feeling bad or guilty that you got custody. I think it's more like feeling overwhelmed & anxious that you're going to have to raise these kids on your own while juggling a full-time career.
I'll be honest, the guys i know who're divorced are actually happy to be weekend dads and not full-time caregivers, especially since society expects 30something or 40something males to put in long hours at work to prove their worth.
No matter what others may say, how you raise your kids is a reflection of your character & the most important job in the world. I wish you well!
No matter what the cause or situation, divorce is sad. It is the death of the life you wanted and no matter how you try, it will effect your children. Do the best you can. Always put your children's needs first and never, ever keep them from their mother or say anything bad about their mother. You will be okay, and so will they. It will never be the same and that can be a good thing.
14 years later, I am still sad about my divorce. I still see the effects on my kids and I still hurt for them when Dad isn't the dad they want. That will never change. Don't be hard on yourself, move forward.
No matter what the cause or situation, divorce is sad. It is the death of the life you wanted and no matter how you try, it will effect your children. Do the best you can. Always put your children's needs first and never, ever keep them from their mother or say anything bad about their mother. You will be okay, and so will they. It will never be the same and that can be a good thing.
14 years later, I am still sad about my divorce. I still see the effects on my kids and I still hurt for them when Dad isn't the dad they want. That will never change. Don't be hard on yourself, move forward.
Good post. A friend of mine said to me after my divorce, "You are mourning the loss of what you never had." I've been divorced ten years, and I still feel bad now that my daughter is grown and seeing for herself the kind of person her father is. Concentrate on your children and raise them to be the best people they can be.
It's normal to feel bad, has no one ever felt bad when something happened that was for the best for them and not the other person?
His wife and the mother of his kids is now no longer in the picture and does not have her kids anymore, I don't think the OP feels like a champ with all this going on nor did he want it.
Just focus on the kids and not on your wife and hopefully things turn out ok.
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I'm curious, I want to get some opinions.....
