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I would be very sad if one of my kids had that life but glad that he was happy. It must have been very difficult for him when his mother died and he had to live alone.
Yes, it was very difficult on him when his mother died. (And his father.) It's difficult for most people when their parents die.
Maybe you should know that it's possible to have a very full life while living at home. (As the European poster stated. Great post.) My cousin travelled extensively. (Flying first-class and staying at first-rate hotels.)
And he had a wide circle of friends. All of whom had no problem with the fact that when they went to see him they also saw his parents. Package deal. He was such a popular guy he bought two new cars every year. One for his own use and one for his visitors. He filled up the tank, handed the lucky guests his keys and told them to see the city and have fun while he was at work. My family and I were recipients of his generosity many times. My grown kids still talk about those trips.
He was generous to his friends and, I suspect, paid for college for a couple of kids of his war-time buddies. He stayed in touch with the men he served with his whole life meeting up for reunions every year in various home towns. He hosted the group when it was his turn just as his married friends did. (Arranging hotels, sight seeing, etc.)
My point of all this is he didn't have a bad life. The only people who had a problem with it were the members of the family who were probably seething with jealousy because he had new cars and saw the world while they had the hum-drum lives most of us have.
After his parents died, BTW, he sold the family home and moved himself into an up-scale seniors residence. When he died, the funeral was packed with friends and co-workers.
How people live their lives is their own business, IMHO.
(Like your friend, his mother was the Queen Bee. She definitely ruled the roost. But if he didn't mind...)
Last edited by DewDropInn; 04-18-2011 at 10:35 AM..
IMO, the only thing crazy about this situation is that an outsider is so concerned and dismayed with the way three productive adults are chosing to live their lives that you needed to post on the internet about it.
I wouldn't chose this living arrangement for myself and it seems you wouldn't either but I don't think there is anything strange about people who do.
The guy has a job, helps around the house and enjoys the company of his family why is it odd? It seems to me like they did a good job of raising a goal and family oriented young man. He's not allowed to have girls over? So what? He has a job and little over head expenses if he wants to spend the night with a woman he can pay for a hotel room. He doesn't have a serious girlfriend so perhaps his parents just don't want a revolving door of women in their home. Maybe the rule would change should he enter a committed relationship, no way of knowing since he hasn't had a serious girlfriend since the last time he left home. Doesn't mean he's gay or celibate, who knows maybe the guy is a total playboy but you don't need to have people over your home in order to maintain a sex life.
I actually think that if everyone involved is okay with it it's actually quite nice. It's also very sweet that he wants to take care of his mother while his step father is away.
I might agree with you if the man was happy. He's not. He's always grumpy around his family, resentful, angry. He's just not a happy camper. I wouldn't say that he enjoys their company, at all. Mostly he tries to avoid them. He's not voluntarily taking care of his mother, she demands it.
I have no problem with his parents not wanting a bunch of women in and out of their house. But since most young men like the company of women (or men) it seems like he would move out so that he can have that.
I just want him to have a life because I care about them. So shoot me.
Yes, it was very difficult on him when his mother died. (And his father.) It's difficult for most people when their parents die.
Maybe you should know that it's possible to have a very full life while living at home. (As the European poster stated. Great post.) My cousin travelled extensively. (Flying first-class and staying at first-rate hotels.)
And he had a wide circle of friends. All of whom had no problem with the fact that when they went to see him they also saw his parents. Package deal. He was such a popular guy he bought two new cars every year. One for his own use and one for his visitors. He filled up the tank, handed the lucky guests his keys and told them to see the city and have fun while he was at work. My family and I were recipients of his generosity many times. My grown kids still talk about those trips.
He was generous to his friends and, I suspect, paid for college for a couple of kids of his war-time buddies. He stayed in touch with the men he served with his whole life meeting up for reunions every year in various home towns. He hosted the group when it was his turn just as his married friends did. (Arranging hotels, sight seeing, etc.)
My point of all this is he didn't have a bad life. The only people who had a problem with it were the members of the family who were probably seething with jealousy because he had new cars and saw the world while they had the hum-drum lives most of us have.
After his parents died, BTW, he sold the family home and moved himself into an up-scale seniors residence. When he died, the funeral was packed with friends and co-workers.
How people live their lives is their own business, IMHO.
(Like your friend, his mother was the Queen Bee. She definitely ruled the roost. But if he didn't mind...)
As I said, I'm glad that it worked for him and that he was happy. I know that not everyone has to be married and have a family to be happy but since that's what made me happy it's what I want for my kids. But, like most parents, I just want my kids to be happy and satisfied with their lives. Sounds like the guy you knew was happy, even without ever having a relationship. If that made my kids happy, I'd be fine with it. I must admit, I've never known anyone like that, who preferred to not have a partner/family, but I know they must exist. I am glad that your friend made a happy life for himself. I hope that my friend's son can do that too, although it hasn't happened yet. He never seems happy. He's always grumpy and complaining about what his mother makes him do, like a teenager, except he's 29. I know, there's still time for it to all come together for him. He could decide to move out next year, after the election.
I have no problem with his parents not wanting a bunch of women in and out of their house. But since most young men like the company of women (or men) it seems like he would move out so that he can have that.
He's not missing out. He can 'have that' elsewhere. Where is it written in stone that women go to the man's bed. The women have beds of their own. There's always hotels too. If I were dating a man who lived in his parent's house, I would prefer we spend time at my house, not his. Traditionally, men don't take women their homes until they are serious about a women. Traditionally, men drop women off at their houses and get asked inside. Traditionally, 'have that' at the female's place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denton56
I just want him to have a life because I care about them. So shoot me.
You don't know enough about him. He might have social phobia. His parents house might be the only place he feels comfortable. It happes. Yeah, it's sad. But it might be mentally impossible for him to move.
Ut oh, sounds like he is a man-child, which is becoming all to common these days.
Oh well, they aren't the only ones, I hear there are alot of man-children around.
LOL.
There are many cultures where the child lives at home until they are married. He works, has his own business, etc so he is fairly independent at the same time, but lives at home still. I don't think it sounds that unhealthy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denton56
One of my good friends has a son who lives at home at age 29. He's a college graduate, works, has his own business, and lives in his Mom's basement. Mom and step dad think this is perfectly normal. They say he's a ''mama's boy'' like that's a good thing. Other friends and relatives call him that too. He is not allowed to have girls come to the house/spend the night. His parents say that having a girlfriend is not a priority for him and he likes living at home because he's always loved his little sister, age 13, and wants to be able to see her everyday.
Am I wrong in thinking that being a ''mama's boy'' is not a good thing? Am I wrong in thinking that they should be encouraging a 29 year old man to live on his own, find a girl, and be independent?
As I said, I'm glad that it worked for him and that he was happy. I know that not everyone has to be married and have a family to be happy but since that's what made me happy it's what I want for my kids. But, like most parents, I just want my kids to be happy and satisfied with their lives. Sounds like the guy you knew was happy, even without ever having a relationship. If that made my kids happy, I'd be fine with it. I must admit, I've never known anyone like that, who preferred to not have a partner/family, but I know they must exist. I am glad that your friend made a happy life for himself. I hope that my friend's son can do that too, although it hasn't happened yet. He never seems happy. He's always grumpy and complaining about what his mother makes him do, like a teenager, except he's 29. I know, there's still time for it to all come together for him. He could decide to move out next year, after the election.
That would not be "normal". He sounds like nothing but an overgrown teenager, complaining but not being a man enough to leave home and make it on his own.
As sad as it is for parents to face the empty nest, it's what any normal parent really wants, our whole purpose as parents is to help our children develop into fully functional adults and be able to make it on their own.
However even in the past there have always been those adults who never left the nest, who never could become independent and on their own.
And I can't imagine too many independent women would want to spend time at this "boy's" parents' house having sex with him or having mama's boy come visit her in her apartment so they can get it on. All he's going to attract are other permanent teens who also live with their mamas.
29 is borderline though - it might still be normal but it's pushing the limits.
There are many cultures where the child lives at home until they are married. He works, has his own business, etc so he is fairly independent at the same time, but lives at home still. I don't think it sounds that unhealthy.
But this is a case in the USA - not some other culture and country where the kids never grow up and leave home. It's not the norm here.
In other countries, it might be the norm to have all the children stay in the house even after they marry, each family taking one bedroom and sharing common room like the kitchen, teenage kids sleeping on the living room floor, and 30 people living in one small house but that's not our culture.
It's only my business because I care about all of them. I'd like to see him a more normal life, have a gf, live independently, etc. I'll try not to worry about it and hope that he grows into a more normal life.
You should realize that your definition of normal is more than likely different than every one else's definition of normal.
See, I don't find it "normal" that you are so concerned about three other adults living situation.
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