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Hi, new here and would like some insight/advice/etc on how to deal with my 20yo daughter who does not live at home but who I support financially while she finishes college (she should finish at the end of December, this year). We (her stepdad and I) pay her tuition/books, rent/utilities/internet, some help with groceries. She has a part-time job to pay for anything else she needs and any "wants."
She has always been "difficult" and we have a strained relationship becoming worse over time. In fact, she regularly argues with her biological father/my ex-husband and me; he also helps her out with money. She seems to enjoy pitting people against one another and tries to do this regularly with her dad and me. He gets drawn into it easily, I ignore it. We've been divorced since the mid 90's and he still "hates" me because I left him. Both my ex and my daughter seem to thrive off drama.
She is currently not speaking to me and has not for several weeks. This is nothing new and it doesn't necessarily bother me - I've become accustomed to her silent treatment. But it's also disrespectful and not a functional way to solve problems, that does bother me. I could write a novel on many of the things that have happened but bottom line, she is disrespectful and ungrateful and has only gotten worse in the last year.
I have seriously weighed cutting her off financially because of the disrespect and other things that have taken place. I feel as though continuing to pay her expenses with the continued lack of respect is just enabling her behavior. On the other hand, I will admit I have a hard time imagining her potentially being homeless before too long. Additionally, my name is on her lease that does not expire until next year - I have excellent credit and don't need anything negative on there if she messes up paying rent. That will only follow me around, not her. That said, I do realize this can all be construed as excuses to enable her ongoing bad behavior. FYI - I also do not want her to move back home because living with her stresses me out. I love her but living with her is beyond what I can do right now.
Although I am currently enabling to a point, I am willing to make changes I can live with financially/credit-wise. I realize she is probably one of those people who may need to "crash and burn" a few times before she 'gets it.' Right now I am stressed about having painted myself into a corner financially/credit-wise and if not for that, I would be 110% willing to let the chips fall where they may. When I co-signed on the lease she was not behaving any where near this poorly, it's only been over the last several months (after a bad break-up and spending more time with her bio dad - they spend time trash talking [about me and/or other relatives]) or fighting amongst themselves. She seems to have adopted the same attitude he seems to have the last few years - "F" the world and everyone in it. I feel like I can make this correlation because she's worse after spending time around him and I've witnessed their conversations before, not good. I don't blame my ex entirely - our daughter is 20 and has control over her behavior, good or bad - and she chooses what she does. I've tried talking to her and other things, nothing seems to work. I'm watching my daughter turn into an ungrateful bully and I don't like what I see.
Since I have unwittingly painted myself into a corner money-wise, would it be easier on me/my credit to continue paying until she finishes school and then stop, as is the original plan? Or give her fair warning and then stop paying (and hope my credit doesn't nosedive in the possible fall out)? Or am I totally going in the wrong direction by considering the financial aspect? It feels like I've tried everything else and it hasn't worked, don't know what else to do. She's our oldest so this is my first time around dealing with adult children. My experience at her age was totally different (totally uninvolved parents [one of which being a deadbeat dad and my mom was/is an addict], moved out as soon as I could, knew I had to take care of myself - and did) so I really cannot compare and know where to go from there. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around her. Her birthday is coming up and I find myself thinking of ways to get out of what we planned several months back.
**FYI - she refuses to go to counseling (individual or family), refuses to take the anti-depressants once prescribed to her, and basically behaves like a defiant 15 year old when it's even suggested to her she should deal with something differently. Her stepdad and somewhat younger siblings don't want to be around her either. In fact, no one in the family does.....she's trash-talked so many of them on Facebook and rightly so, most of them think she's a real a**. I want her to live and learn but I don't want to bear the brunt of the financial thing. Sorry this is such a novel....
Outside of her relationship with you and her biodad, how is her life? Is she a good student? Have a career in mind? Lives healthy (no smoking, no heavy drinking, no unhealthy drug use)? Does she have meaningful friends? Does she have a boyfriend? What do you think she envisions her life will be like? Goals?
Can you contact her landlord after she graduates and get yourself taken off the lease? I would wait until that time to discuss it with her. Or do it now. Either way your credit is preserved.
Hmmm, very sorry you're going through this. Just off the top of my head, it would seem wise to me to keep up your arrangement until school is finished, so that your investment so far won't be wasted.
Then you can decide how you want to deal with her after that. You're on the hook for the lease until it's up regardless. If you stop paying it they'll sue you to get the remainder, whether she lives there or not.
It may be enabling on one hand, but it might hurt you the least in the long run. It's not that long until you can wash your hands of it, and deal with her strictly on a personal level.
When does the lease expire? Will her dad step up and pay more expenses? Is there a way he can do more and you do less?
I would see if you might devise a contract with her . . .in return for civil behavior, you will do "x." If she does not agree, cut her off? (I question that, because only you can determine what is right for you.)
Maybe she could move in with her dad and you could buy out the lease or sub-lease it to someone else.
I really think you have to get creative here and take yourself out of the primary role of taking care of her if she refuses to show you any respect or play by simple rules.
Maybe a social worker could help you work out details (as opposed to counseling, you might hire someone to assist you in drafting an agreement and then have the person mediate between the two of you, or even all players, including her dad).
that's a tough one. I'm sure people will tell her you are giving her too much and to cut her off. But I don't think putting an adult child through college is a bad thing. My parents did it to a point. All parents and kids argue. It is hard to tell how serious a problem this is.
Thanks for all the replies. Her dad is in no position to help her. He's diabetic and has a drinking problem. My income alone, I make twice the money he does, if not more. My husband makes twice the amount I do.....we are much better off financially than her dad. He has no interest in helping pay for anything school related, because he sees it as giving money to me, and is only willing to give her money and tells her to do as she wishes with it.
I don't think putting an adult child through school is a bad thing but a certain amount of respect is
expected.
She has a new boyfriend we don't know and a very active social life. She drinks and has used marijuana and mushrooms in the recen
Her grades are only so-so and she refuses to discuss her future plans with us, says it's none of our business. I can't get simple answers out of her, even about the most minor of things. If she isn't being rude and nasty, she simply ignores for weeks on end. She has turned into a person who is nice when it serves her, nasty the rest of the time. Over the past two weeks I've tried to make contact with her via phone, email, and texting. I need information from her to fill out paperwork - no response. My last 9 texts to her have gone unanswered. She has rented textbooks that are well overdue and she refuses to return them; my card has been charged $30 in late fees for these books. It will be charged again tomorrow. She lives 2+ hours away and I just can't run up to her place on a whim to get these books. I'll end up paying for the books then shut the rental account off.
Unfortunately, working out anything with her dad is next to impossible, even an agreement of some sort. He fully supports her doing anything he feels messes with me. He also lives several hours away in another state and there's no way he would meet to come to an agreement. He isn't a reasonable person and that's putting it mildly. Drinking and poorly controlled diabetes makes it worse. His siblings, older brother and two older sisters, cut him off years ago and he has next to no relationship with anyone in his family, one cousin and her son aside. His parents have both passed away. He's run off most his friends....he's a train wreck. There is suspicion on the part of some in his family he may be in the beginning stage of
alcohol related dementia, he drinks that much. I have no idea on that but I do know saying he's unreasonable is an understatement.
Last edited by PurePugx3; 06-15-2011 at 11:51 PM..
just want to send you a hug and tell you things will get better. she really is not an adult. legally yes, but she is just an immature, selfish kid. I can tell you lots of kids go through this stage and many don't come out of it until they are 24 or a bit more. try your best to protect yourself from getting your feelings hurt. yes she should be more respectful but I doubt it will happen until she matures and it sounds like she is far from it.
I would continue with her school as long as she has passing grades. try to pick your battles. sometimes just saying what a nice day it is is enough to start a fight. It is hard for a kid to be independent and on their own when in reality they are still tied to the purse strings. I think they do feel a bit guilty but yet they are still too selfish to really change at this point. just don't let her take advantage of you overly so. if she is a good kid at heart she will figure it out and become a nice woman with the right values. it just sometimes takes what seems like forever
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