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At the risk of the unpopular opinion, but I feel sorry for the OP. Having a stepdaughter like that would drive me crazy as well. I have a low low tolerance for disrespectful brats.
Sometimes blending families just doesnt work like you hope. My father met my stepmother when i was about 14. I hated the woman. So much so that I left my father's house to live with my mother (who had custody of us every other weekend). My father died when I was 20, but I resented her even more when he died since she got 75% of his estate. I loathed and still do loathe that she waltzed into our lives, made it miserable and got nearly all of his estate for nothing but being a *****. Its been 8 years since I've seen her and my feelings have never changed. She's still a *****, I still hate her - possibly more so now that she's been remarried to her 3rd husband who is now living in my father's house.
I appreciate that. It appears that everyone else here just thinks that I'm some horrible person that can't stand my own stepdaughter and I'm just evil and need to be taken out back and shot. Well, hubby and I have the ultimate perfect relationship and you're right, blending families doesn't always work out well.
I've seriously done my best to bond with this girl. I've been nothing but nice to her regardless of the fact that she barely acknowledges me. I understand she's in a confusing time in her life and her mother isn't doing her any favors by babying her and letting her get away with murder. I've tried guiding her, talking with her, taking her places, doing things with her. She TOTALLY ignores me. After so many times of basically being by myself whenever I'm with her, I chose to remove myself. What else am I supposed to do?
As far as hubby is concerned, he is at a loss as to what to do as well. That's the only reason I posted. Was to try and help HIM. This has nothing to do with me. I was simply responding to people's questions about him and her. People had suggested he take her out alone, they do that. I'm not around during their times together. People had suggested counseling. Been there too.
I hurt for him every day. I hate that he's going through what he is. He says he's ok and dealing with it well, but I know better. It has to eat him up that his daughter would rather be with her mother. I know the feeling. Mine would rather be with her dad because he lives near all her family and friends. When she was with me, we had to travel a lot and she couldn't really call anywhere home other than when she went to her dad's. Pretty soon, that WAS her home, so I recognized that she was happier there and let her go to live with him full time. It's likely I'll be attacked over that decision here too.
Yes, his daughter is very disrespectful, spoiled and bratty - but he and his ex raised her that way. It's not her fault. It's all she knows. So dad and I try to teach her responsibility, respect and how to properly care for herself and she rebels. So he puts her in therapy. She lies to the therapist to get sympathy and attention. They go to counseling together - counselor says let's do family counseling. So I was brought in.
I've only done what HE'S asked me to do. I do make myself scarce in my OWN home when she's there so they have time together without me around. Is that fair to me to have to basically leave or hide in my bedroom just because she's there? Not in my opinion, but I do it anyway even though it irks hubby. We've done family outings, game nights, tried to get her involved and engaged.
So, go ahead everyone and start the bashing. I can take it. I'm here for my husband and his daughter's sake, not my own. Not to have validation that I'm doing anything right or that I'm right to feel the way I do.
Get over yourself its HER home too. Be considerate. Make yourself scarce.
Why should she be around you at all if she doesn't want to be?
Sorry to tell you this but you are part of the problem as well. She is his daughter, be circumspect. Their relationships is lifelong. Yours with him, is inherently NOT. Remove yourself from the situation entirely because your disdain for this CHILD is clear just from internet posts. If you cannot make yourself pretend to like her over the internet she also knows how little you like her in person.
If she doesn't want to be around me, she doesn't have to be. He's asked her several times why she doesn't want to come over. She says she misses her friends and our place just doesn't feel like home to her, whether I'm there or not. We did an experiment once to see if *I* was the problem with her. I stayed at a friend's place for an entire week. He brought her over and spent the entire week, just the two of them. NOTHING changed in her behavior. She still didn't engage with him, only answered his questions, didn't want to play board games/card games, go out to dinner. I wasn't there the entire time. She acted the same way when I was there as when I wasn't. So clearly, there's a bigger issue with the two of them than just me.
I agree that I came into her life at a confusing time. And it doesn't help that she's very immature and spoiled and doesn't quite act her age. Again, it's not her fault. She was raised being able to make every decision to the point of telling her mother she's not allowed to date anyone until she's out of the house. She also bossed around her father, grandparents, friends. Her granddaddy wasn't allowed to show ANY affection or attention to her cousins around Z because she'd get upset and not talk to him. She's jealous of anyone that spends time with her father, even his friends. His life-long friends that have know him and her since the beginning have said they can't stand being around her because she's so whiny and bratty and disrespectful. It's not just me...
Again, it's hard to put two year's worth of life down in writing without it becoming an novel. None of you have a clear picture of what's been going on with us, I've just given a snapshot.
I also think your should call CPS on the mother due to the allowing sex in the house. If she is condoning it, and there are no romeo and juliet laws in place in your state it is both illegal and grounds for you 2 to sue for full custody.
The boy is 13 and the girl is 13. I don't think romeo and juliet laws apply when they are both underage.
Mel, I think it would be best just to have your husband go to counseling, just himself, so he can get some kind of professional direction on how to handle the situation. Perhaps he needs to allow her distance if that's what she wants, but he can also keep in regular contact with her... phone calls, e-mail, etc. He can use these to maintain his presence. He should talk to her about what's going on in school, any problems, any good times she might have to share, such as the latest movie she saw, perhaps she went skating with her friends, etc. Just to get her to talk to him and let her know he wants to be in her life. Invite her for holidays, special events, etc., but if she says no, she says no.
In the meantime, he should get direction from a professional.
Mel, I think it would be best just to have your husband go to counseling, just himself, so he can get some kind of professional direction on how to handle the situation. Perhaps he needs to allow her distance if that's what she wants, but he can also keep in regular contact with her... phone calls, e-mail, etc. He can use these to maintain his presence. He should talk to her about what's going on in school, any problems, any good times she might have to share, such as the latest movie she saw, perhaps she went skating with her friends, etc. Just to get her to talk to him and let her know he wants to be in her life. Invite her for holidays, special events, etc., but if she says no, she says no.
In the meantime, he should get direction from a professional.
Good luck.
THANK YOU! THIS is the kind of information I was seeking when I posted originally. I didn't want to stir up trouble or get bashed. I simply reached out for help for my husband and his relationship with his daughter.
He is going to counseling alone now to work on this and some other of his individual issues. His counselor (at their appt today) said that he should keep in contact once a week, even if he never reaches her, to leave her texts or voicemails just letting her know he called. He mentioned that it's best to maintain distance now unless SHE initiates it, but to always offer to pick her up, take her to dinner, spend time with her, etc. Take things slow...
Thank you for being mature and responding in a positive manner. I appreciate it greatly!
THANK YOU! THIS is the kind of information I was seeking when I posted originally. I didn't want to stir up trouble or get bashed. I simply reached out for help for my husband and his relationship with his daughter.
He is going to counseling alone now to work on this and some other of his individual issues. His counselor (at their appt today) said that he should keep in contact once a week, even if he never reaches her, to leave her texts or voicemails just letting her know he called. He mentioned that it's best to maintain distance now unless SHE initiates it, but to always offer to pick her up, take her to dinner, spend time with her, etc. Take things slow...
Thank you for being mature and responding in a positive manner. I appreciate it greatly!
I'm sorry things aren't working out well for you. It must be extremely stressful.
However, I do think that what people are trying to point out here that you seem a bit blind to, is that you can't just separate his relationship with his daughter as if it doesn't pertain to you at all.
Rightly or wrongly, the child is probably absolutely crushed that he and her mother are not together and is seeing you as the flat out arch enemy. Knowing that her dad went off and remarried has killed any hope or expectation that her family will be back together, and that's going to permeate her relationship with him whether you happen to be at dinner with them or not.
The fact is, he chose you over them in her eyes. The child is thirteen and is engaging in seriously risky behavior. IMHO, these daddy/abandonment issues are just going to get worse. The outcomes I predict for her are not good.
Is your marriage worth the ruin of this girl? This is going to sound extreme, but I personally think the only solution is for your husband to get his own place, where the girl is welcome and can resume living with him 50 (or more hopefully) percent of the time and he can excerpt proper inflluence over her and try and undo the damage wrought by the himself and her mother before it all got to this point. In other words, he can start acting like a disciplinary dad and do whatever it takes to turn this all around and raise a mature, confident young lady. Either that or get prepared to take care of his grandchild.
We're only talking 5 years until she becomes an adult, and if you guys have both remarried and have already had your children, can you not wait it out in an attempt to get her back on the right track?
Location: Finally escaped The People's Republic of California
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OK so you guys just got married last month, but have lived together for awile? Your Daughter came to visit last summer and the girls were fine.
Just recently his daughter ( who has always been spoiled) has been acting up and not wanting anything to do with you guys, lies about you both and everthing else, right?
Guess what? you are now dealing with a teenager from a broken marriage...
Daddy, You, Mommy and everyone else no longer matters, it's just about friends, and that's it, that's what matters to teenagers..
The fact that your house isn't in her neighborhood, is the biggest issiue you have.
Come on folks, have any of you been pulled away from your friends when you were a teenager?
My mother died when I was 5, my father raised me and remarried when I was 15. With in a month of getting married, we moved to the next town over, nice new house and I hated it....Lived there two years and never made a friend or even wanted to. I'd walk or Hitchhike back to my old neighborhood, and friends.. Joined the Navy on my 17th birthday to get away from there..My Father was happy but I was miserable, it took some growing up on my part to relize how selfish I was at the time, but I did figure it out finally. Giving her space is a decent option, Dad should call her ever week, and if she does'nt answer just leave a meesage. Offer to take her out to Pizza or something. Just remember he's not the most important thing in her life anymore. If she say no, just say "ok maybee some other time".. But keep the line of communication open...
and give her a card for her birthday with cash in it...Teenagers like to spend money.....
So it really just could be dealing with a teenager, or your an evil step Mom...(just KIdding)
I'm sorry things aren't working out well for you. It must be extremely stressful.
However, I do think that what people are trying to point out here that you seem a bit blind to, is that you can't just separate his relationship with his daughter as if it doesn't pertain to you at all.
Rightly or wrongly, the child is probably absolutely crushed that he and her mother are not together and is seeing you as the flat out arch enemy. Knowing that her dad went off and remarried has killed any hope or expectation that her family will be back together, and that's going to permeate her relationship with him whether you happen to be at dinner with them or not.
The fact is, he chose you over them in her eyes. The child is thirteen and is engaging in seriously risky behavior. IMHO, these daddy/abandonment issues are just going to get worse. The outcomes I predict for her are not good.
Is your marriage worth the ruin of this girl? This is going to sound extreme, but I personally think the only solution is for your husband to get his own place, where the girl is welcome and can resume living with him 50 (or more hopefully) percent of the time and he can excerpt proper inflluence over her and try and undo the damage wrought by the himself and her mother before it all got to this point. In other words, he can start acting like a disciplinary dad and do whatever it takes to turn this all around and raise a mature, confident young lady. Either that or get prepared to take care of his grandchild.
We're only talking 5 years until she becomes an adult, and if you guys have both remarried and have already had your children, can you not wait it out in an attempt to get her back on the right track?
So, am I understanding this right? You're saying that since the teenage daughter isn't handling her father's relationship of 2 yrs well, and mom is allowing her to run wild because she's a deadbeat, we should just split up and wait until she's 18 and then somehow get back together? We just got married last month.
Yes, I'd have to say our marriage is VERY important otherwise we certainly wouldn't have done it. We're not young kids, we're 38 & 39. This was a huge step for us to take (getting married again) even though we'd been living together for a year already. I just don't see how us splitting up a month after getting married, him getting his own place and showing her that our marriage wasn't worth anything, would make her a better person in the long run?
I'm sorry things aren't working out well for you. It must be extremely stressful.
However, I do think that what people are trying to point out here that you seem a bit blind to, is that you can't just separate his relationship with his daughter as if it doesn't pertain to you at all.
Rightly or wrongly, the child is probably absolutely crushed that he and her mother are not together and is seeing you as the flat out arch enemy. Knowing that her dad went off and remarried has killed any hope or expectation that her family will be back together, and that's going to permeate her relationship with him whether you happen to be at dinner with them or not.
The fact is, he chose you over them in her eyes. The child is thirteen and is engaging in seriously risky behavior. IMHO, these daddy/abandonment issues are just going to get worse. The outcomes I predict for her are not good.
Is your marriage worth the ruin of this girl? This is going to sound extreme, but I personally think the only solution is for your husband to get his own place, where the girl is welcome and can resume living with him 50 (or more hopefully) percent of the time and he can excerpt proper inflluence over her and try and undo the damage wrought by the himself and her mother before it all got to this point. In other words, he can start acting like a disciplinary dad and do whatever it takes to turn this all around and raise a mature, confident young lady. Either that or get prepared to take care of his grandchild.
We're only talking 5 years until she becomes an adult, and if you guys have both remarried and have already had your children, can you not wait it out in an attempt to get her back on the right track?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cali BassMan
OK so you guys just got married last month, but have lived together for awile? Your Daughter came to visit last summer and the girls were fine.
Just recently his daughter ( who has always been spoiled) has been acting up and not wanting anything to do with you guys, lies about you both and everthing else, right?
Guess what? you are now dealing with a teenager from a broken marriage...
Daddy, You, Mommy and everyone else no longer matters, it's just about friends, and that's it, that's what matters to teenagers..
The fact that your house isn't in her neighborhood, is the biggest issiue you have.
Come on folks, have any of you been pulled away from your friends when you were a teenager?
My mother died when I was 5, my father raised me and remarried when I was 15. With in a month of getting married, we moved to the next town over, nice new house and I hated it....Lived there two years and never made a friend or even wanted to. I'd walk or Hitchhike back to my old neighborhood, and friends.. Joined the Navy on my 17th birthday to get away from there..My Father was happy but I was miserable, it took some growing up on my part to relize how selfish I was at the time, but I did figure it out finally. Giving her space is a decent option, Dad should call her ever week, and if she does'nt answer just leave a meesage. Offer to take her out to Pizza or something. Just remember he's not the most important thing in her life anymore. If she say no, just say "ok maybee some other time".. But keep the line of communication open...
and give her a card for her birthday with cash in it...Teenagers like to spend money.....
So it really just could be dealing with a teenager, or your an evil step Mom...(just KIdding)
Now this makes perfect sense! Yes, we realize that the main reason she wants to be at her mom's full time is of course, her friends are all right there in the neighborhood, plus her mother has lax rules...
OK so you guys just got married last month, but have lived together for awile? Your Daughter came to visit last summer and the girls were fine.
Just recently his daughter ( who has always been spoiled) has been acting up and not wanting anything to do with you guys, lies about you both and everthing else, right?
Guess what? you are now dealing with a teenager from a broken marriage...
Daddy, You, Mommy and everyone else no longer matters, it's just about friends, and that's it, that's what matters to teenagers..
The fact that your house isn't in her neighborhood, is the biggest issiue you have.
Come on folks, have any of you been pulled away from your friends when you were a teenager?
My mother died when I was 5, my father raised me and remarried when I was 15. With in a month of getting married, we moved to the next town over, nice new house and I hated it....Lived there two years and never made a friend or even wanted to. I'd walk or Hitchhike back to my old neighborhood, and friends.. Joined the Navy on my 17th birthday to get away from there..My Father was happy but I was miserable, it took some growing up on my part to relize how selfish I was at the time, but I did figure it out finally. Giving her space is a decent option, Dad should call her ever week, and if she does'nt answer just leave a meesage. Offer to take her out to Pizza or something. Just remember he's not the most important thing in her life anymore. If she say no, just say "ok maybee some other time".. But keep the line of communication open...
and give her a card for her birthday with cash in it...Teenagers like to spend money.....
So it really just could be dealing with a teenager, or your an evil step Mom...(just KIdding)
My last post got cut off. I'm new to this format/style of forum...
I wanted to say that I'm sorry you had a rough childhood. Losing your mom at such an early age must've been really hard. And yes, I get everything you're saying, as I moved around a lot in my middle/high school years and went through similar situations as a teenager. I can relate 100%.
Yes, we all (and yes, the ex wife has even said this!) believe she needs to grow up and accept that dad has moved on and is happy. We all also realize that she may never do that.
She is highly immature for her age and most people that meet her for the first time mistake her for 10 or 11, not almost 14. Her mom even told my new sis-in-law that she "wishes she could date but Z won't allow it until she's 18". Z sees dad happy and remarried and mom is miserable. So I'm sure there's some guilt there as well. But mom still allows Z to rule her, whereas dad got smart and put a stop to that. There's also issues there that have progressively gotten better over the course of the past 2 yrs, but the girl still thinks she has every right to tell her parents how to live and what to do.
Like I've said before, there's way too much to type here, but you hit the nail on the head and I can't thank you enough for your post. I'm going to definitely show this to hubby and let him know he has someone else out there that understands. Oh and he's a HUGE fisherman...
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