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So I'm new to this forum and just need to vent/ask for advice.
A little bit of background: hubby and I just got married last month, been together 2 yrs. 2nd marriages for us both, we each have teenage daughters. My daughter is not an issue, just his.
Hubby's daughter "Z" is 13. She was raised spoiled rotten and both hubby and ex wife admit they allowed her to have total control over everything, including their own marriage. She used to spend 50-50 time with her mom and us, now she's strictly at her mother's, about 6 miles away.
She looks/acts/dresses like she's 10. She's is a below average student who was held back a grade so she's only going into 8th this year. She is a major attention-seeker. She is not happy unless the spotlight is on her at all times and if it's not, she'll create drama to draw that attention in. She lies. A LOT. Claims her 13 yr old boyfriend is "the love of her life" and they've already been caught sexting, having phone sex and actual intercourse at her mother's home (mother said it was ok to have bf over without supervision as long as another friend was there!!!).
Issues abound, but hubby's gotten to the point after trying to discipline and educate her only to have mom play the "good guy" and reverse everything the minute she gets home...that he's pretty much thrown up his hands in despair. We had her in individual counseling for a year but she lied to the therapist just to get sympathy/attn. We tried family counseling. She clammed up and wouldn't say a thing. Blames her father for everything, even after she was told her mother caused the divorce. We have rules at our place, mom does not. We don't allow her to have unsupervised contact with her bf, mom does. She started making excuses to not come over and when we forced her to, would sit and pout. We've had family game nights, she doesn't want to participate. We've gone on family outings, she pouts or appears bored the entire time. We've sat her down for discussions, nothing. She just doesn't engage at all.
Hubby's at his wit's end. He's even threatened ex to fight for full parenting time but that did nothing, she just said "fine". I won't go into everything this child has put me through, but needless to say, I'm glad the kid is no longer coming to our home. It was a stressful nightmare every other week. We've done everything we know to do. Followed all advice by professionals, therapists, counselors, family and friends. She would constantly make up excuses to not come over during our time. We rearranged the schedule. He agreed just to hang out with her in her neighborhood for a few hours (so she didn't even have to leave home). She continued with the pouting and excuses, making any visit miserable. She stopped calling him over the course of the last few months. Also stopped contacting anyone in his family. Finally, he just told her if she can't contact him, I guess she just won't see him anymore.
It's been 3 weeks. I see a major change in hubby. He's calmer, relaxed and not so stressed. I know this is hurting him inside as he's a family man and his daughter means the world to him, but he's definitely also defeated. He can only hope that she'll come around one day and realize all he ever tried to do was help and love her. He talks about her every now and then but for the most part, she just doesn't get brought up.
Her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. He said he'll send her a card if he doesn't hear from her prior to that day, but no gift.
Can anyone tell me what else we could try with her? I hate seeing him hurting inside and want to be the supportive wife he says I am, but I am clueless. His family and friends have no insight either. None of his friends like the daughter because she was so spoiled and she "creeps" them out...but that's a story for another day!
Trust me, I've already been counting the days. And yes, I've stayed out of it. Hubby keeps bringing me back in, because he's desperate for answers. I told him I'm out of answers...
He's seemingly leaving any contact between them up to his 13 yr old very immature and bratty daughter.
I just reached out for suggestions and to get it off my chest. Figured maybe someone out there could suggest something I haven't thought of or we haven't tried. For now, I'm enjoying peace and quiet at my home
So I'm new to this forum and just need to vent/ask for advice.
A little bit of background: hubby and I just got married last month, been together 2 yrs. 2nd marriages for us both, we each have teenage daughters. My daughter is not an issue, just his.
Hubby's daughter "Z" is 13. She was raised spoiled rotten and both hubby and ex wife admit they allowed her to have total control over everything, including their own marriage. She used to spend 50-50 time with her mom and us, now she's strictly at her mother's, about 6 miles away.
She looks/acts/dresses like she's 10. She's is a below average student who was held back a grade so she's only going into 8th this year. She is a major attention-seeker. She is not happy unless the spotlight is on her at all times and if it's not, she'll create drama to draw that attention in. She lies. A LOT. Claims her 13 yr old boyfriend is "the love of her life" and they've already been caught sexting, having phone sex and actual intercourse at her mother's home (mother said it was ok to have bf over without supervision as long as another friend was there!!!).
Issues abound, but hubby's gotten to the point after trying to discipline and educate her only to have mom play the "good guy" and reverse everything the minute she gets home...that he's pretty much thrown up his hands in despair. We had her in individual counseling for a year but she lied to the therapist just to get sympathy/attn. We tried family counseling. She clammed up and wouldn't say a thing. Blames her father for everything, even after she was told her mother caused the divorce. We have rules at our place, mom does not. We don't allow her to have unsupervised contact with her bf, mom does. She started making excuses to not come over and when we forced her to, would sit and pout. We've had family game nights, she doesn't want to participate. We've gone on family outings, she pouts or appears bored the entire time. We've sat her down for discussions, nothing. She just doesn't engage at all.
Hubby's at his wit's end. He's even threatened ex to fight for full parenting time but that did nothing, she just said "fine". I won't go into everything this child has put me through, but needless to say, I'm glad the kid is no longer coming to our home. It was a stressful nightmare every other week. We've done everything we know to do. Followed all advice by professionals, therapists, counselors, family and friends. She would constantly make up excuses to not come over during our time. We rearranged the schedule. He agreed just to hang out with her in her neighborhood for a few hours (so she didn't even have to leave home). She continued with the pouting and excuses, making any visit miserable. She stopped calling him over the course of the last few months. Also stopped contacting anyone in his family. Finally, he just told her if she can't contact him, I guess she just won't see him anymore.
It's been 3 weeks. I see a major change in hubby. He's calmer, relaxed and not so stressed. I know this is hurting him inside as he's a family man and his daughter means the world to him, but he's definitely also defeated. He can only hope that she'll come around one day and realize all he ever tried to do was help and love her. He talks about her every now and then but for the most part, she just doesn't get brought up.
Her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. He said he'll send her a card if he doesn't hear from her prior to that day, but no gift.
Can anyone tell me what else we could try with her? I hate seeing him hurting inside and want to be the supportive wife he says I am, but I am clueless. His family and friends have no insight either. None of his friends like the daughter because she was so spoiled and she "creeps" them out...but that's a story for another day!
Thanks!
Mel
To be honest your husband is acting just as immature as she is. HE is the parent and the only way she will alter is by being consistent, fight for full custody if need be. But allowing her to dictate the course of events and just giving up when she is 13 doesn't show a boat load of maturity in my mind.
I understand what you're saying but these issues have been going on for almost 2 years now. I realize we're up against her mother as well but really, we don't have much in the eyes of the court to take her from mom...
I understand what you're saying but these issues have been going on for almost 2 years now. I realize we're up against her mother as well but really, we don't have much in the eyes of the court to take her from mom...
Your husband is the adult here and her father. I don't care how long this has been going on. This is his daughter!!! Tell him to man up. You, however, need to stay out of it with HIS daughter. I don't know how old she was when the two of you married, but the general rule is that a step child will start to see a step parent as an authority figure when the parent and step parent have been married as long as the child was old at the time of the marriage. If she was 8 when the two of you got married this means never.
This little girl has daddy issues and only daddy can fix that. If he doesn't, pregnancy is next. Talk about drama and having the spot light!!
I would recommend your husband start by taking his daughter on dates, without you. It sounds like she needs some 1:1 time with her dad. Once they figure out their relationship, you can figure out where you fit. Most likely that will not be in the role of step mother.
I will pass on what my mother told my brother when he was 12 and decided he hated our step father. She looked at my brother and said "That man is MY husband and you WILL give him the respect due to MY husband." She never made us call him dad or accept him as an authority figure. She was our parent and he was her husband. I came to accept him as my dad but my brother, who was only two years older than me never did. I was in my teens before I got there. We were 7 and 9 when mom married my step father.
It is up to your husband to enforce that she treat you with respect. You don't make rules, you don't enforce rules. He makes the rules and he enforces them. You are his wife. Period. If you want to have a girls day and go get your nails done, have at it but you're not her mother.
I understand what you're saying but these issues have been going on for almost 2 years now. I realize we're up against her mother as well but really, we don't have much in the eyes of the court to take her from mom...
If you have 50 percent custody you have the ability to make some difference. If you put your foot down when she comes over she will get the structure she needs. The problem is your frustration is leading you 2 to make compromises with her. First off SHE comes to your house no if ands or buts. if her mom gives you an issue then talk to your attorney because SHE is legally obligated to bring her daughter to you for your time. She can't even say "oh my daughter doesn't want to go" and just leave it at that. Failing to produce your daughter is grounds for her to be held in contempt of court. The issue also is as you said they both spoiled her rotten, and now *for good reason* your husband has come to his senses. But regardless HE played a part in this,and it's his obligation to fix it. How about you take her the next time you can, and ask HER what she wants to do. Just let her pick out a fun place shed enjoy going and take her. Don't give into her tantrums, and basically force her to talk if need be. But overall you must be consistent with everything. I also think your should call CPS on the mother due to the allowing sex in the house. If she is condoning it, and there are no romeo and juliet laws in place in your state it is both illegal and grounds for you 2 to sue for full custody.
What is your husband going to do when his ex dumps an even more screwed up kid off on HIS doorsteps and declares that SHE is done? Are they going to bounce the kid around like a basketball? Or is one of them going to step up and be a parent?
I understand your husband's frustration, but it seems wrong for him to even consider throwing in the towel on his 13 yr old child. 17, it might be too late, but 13? She still has a chance if SOMEONE helps her. If my ex had my dd and was allowing her to have boyfriends spend the night and have sex, I would be breaking my neck getting to the courthouse to file for custody. By your husband's own admission, he and his wife both spoiled the kid rotten and allowed her to run all their lives. Now he needs to deal with the monster he helped create, since obviously his ex is not helping the situation. I agree also that you should stay completely out of it and let your husband spend one on one time just him and his daughter. Let him be the one to make the rules and address her if she breaks them. But turning his back on his child should not be an option at all.
I understand what you're saying but these issues have been going on for almost 2 years now. I realize we're up against her mother as well but really, we don't have much in the eyes of the court to take her from mom...
Hmmm. What happened 2 years ago that might have caused such a drastic change in behavior?
She was 11 when we first got together. Will be 14 in 2 wks. They always had every Saturday to themselves for daddy/daughter time. Every Saturday and dinner together alone every Tuesday night. So, out of 7the days, they had 2 alone without me there. Within the last 2 mos, since my daughter is here for summer, his kid has made tons of excuses not to come over. She hates sharing her dad with anyone.
I've also done the bonding thing with her too. Getting nails done, going out to lunch, movies, shopping, etc. Shes happy for me buying her things but the minute I say no, she goes running back to her mom telling lies, saying I was mean to her, yelled at her, etc. There's a lot more that she's done over the last couple yrs as well. Hard yo type it all out from my phone.
She's so used to being in control of everyone to the point of telling her dad if he held my hand in front of her, she'd never see him again! Yes, even told her mother we were "making out" in front of her when he kissed me goodbye one night before we moved in together.
Again, you all don't know the entire story. She lied to therapists and counselors, her mother tries to be her friend and hubby is just fed up. His attorney said he'd need hard proof to take her to court for custody. He has joint, 50%. Mom lives in the back of her school, all her friends are n the neighborhood and it's where she grew up.
So, he consulted his dad, his grandparents, his best friend since 3rd grade. They all said to let her be, quit forcing her to come over and let her decide how much time she wants to spend with him. I've always let them have their time and really, when he forces her to come here, she just makes everyone miserable.
He's meeting with another therapist alone now to try and work on things individually, so we'll see how things go.
Thanks everyone, for your thoughts and opinions
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