At the end of my rope with potty training (day care, method, ideas)

[Checkered24]

I am out of ideas to entice my 3.5 yr old daughter onto the potty. She is so willfully disobedient.

We have tried bribes, treats, offers of special things, nothing works. We offer candy, she would rather not get it. We have offered to get her things (toys, etc), but she would rather live without them. We have special stickers, crowns, books, games.

There just doesn't seem to be anything that would be a big enough "treat" for her.

What's next? Take something away and let her earn it back? Such as TV time? She does LOVE her shows. However, I fear this turns it into a negative, and everything I have read has said to be extremely careful about making it a negative.

[somebodynew]

Let's start at the very beginning. Whose accomplishment is learning to go to the bathroom? You have already made it a negative with your incensant training. And dollars gets you donuts she is afraid of failing. Or is resisting your pressure.

Back off. ALL the way off. When the memory of your insistence wears off, try again with ENCOURAGEMENT about how cool it will be when she does this all by herself. And let her do it at HER speed.

[eastwesteastagain]

Ah, potty training - testing the patience of parents everywhere! My son was very reluctant to use the potty as well and we tried a bunch of different things which you may have done already, but I figured I'd throw it out there. 1) He wanted to go to summer camp with his friends and needed to be potty trained first. Whenever he refused to sit on the potty, we'd remind him only big guys who are potty trained can go to camp. 2) Introducing routine times to sit on the potty, whether he needed to go or not, making it a habit to sit at certain intervals so we didn't have to talk about it each time (kind of like having set meal times at the table, brushing teeth, etc.) 3) He really wanted a pet fish. We kept a chart with stickers for each time he used the potty. One week with no accidents = pet fish. I suspect the thing that actually worked is that he decided he was ready. The good thing is that after he turned his mind towards doing it, the whole process took about a week for both day and night. Good luck. I hope someone has a suggestion that will work for your family.

ETA: I agree that there is a fine line between reminding/encouraging and badgering. Anything you can think of that will make it seem like her idea/feel proud of being in charge herself? As in, planting the seeds and then gently encouraging/reminding along the way but making it her choice (which, honestly, it is!).

[malamute]

Yes, it's the one thing they can control but you cannot. I think you have to back off because it sounds like you're trying too hard, make it more of a non-issue but point out some things are for big girls and she has to wait until she's a big girl to have or do it.

She may like all the attention also that she gets -- the offers of candy, treats, new toys. And she likes being the one in charge so I think if you back off a bit -- however with my youngest son, he was even a little older than your daughter and no progress was being made so I got mad, put him in underpants and told him he was potty-trained now and he needed to use the toilet. And he did. That was the one thing that worked.

[Zimbochick]

I would also say back off for a bit. Let the dust settle, and then try a different strategy. The motivation is different for each child, for my problem child it was seeing all his peers potty-trained, and not wanting to seem like a baby to them. One thing I have learned is that some kids take a week to potty train, and some kids take 5 years. There just is no way of predicting which it's going to be.

[Idlewile]

Have you already tried the 3-day or Fellom method then? It's all about building their confidence with no bribes. Even the creator of it says if it doesn't work the first time, wait, and try it again. It worked beautifully for us and nearly all of our family and friends. At 3.5 it's going to be a lot harder than at 2 but at the end of the day, she can choose remain naked stuck in the house all day and never go out, or choose to celebrate being a big girl and be proud of herself.

[jasper12]

Just put this goal away for awhile. But, throw away diapers. Use plastic pants and regular underpants.

If I wrote what I did to my son, folks would want to call CPS, I limited his fluids to only water, no juice or milk. When he wet his bed, I made him responsible for helping to change his sheets and carrying them to the washer. He wore reg underwear. Took about two weeks, I reminded him to go four times a day, and he knew if he went, he got candy. A big treat jar was right in the bathroom, full of M&M's.

Sometimes this whole bathroom thing becomes a test of wills, or the child feels like she will fail anyway, so why bother. Do you have another child? Maybe she wants to stay a baby, and not be a "big girl", my son was like that, he saw the baby as his "rival", he still wanted to be a "baby".

[gimme it]

At home, no pull ups. Just normal underwear. Once she goes in her pants it will be uncomfortable. That may be a start. Otherwise, pull back and good luck.

[BirdieBelle]

I agree. Back off, forget about it. Take away the fun of aggravating you.

Let her live with the consequences of not using the potty, including wet/poopy pants.

Does she attend a preschool/day care? Once another child notices that she wears plastic pants, your daughter suddenly will motivate herself to use the potty.

[Marlow]

Another vote for backing off. Just tell her, "I guess you're not ready to use the big girl potty, but I know when you are ready, you will." And then try to let her be. As I'm sure you've heard, no kid ever walked across the graduation stage in diapers. It will happen.