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I've posted here several times about my DS who is 18. The most recent is a few weeks ago when he got a 16 yo girl pregnant. If you did not read the update and are interested, she got an abortion.
Basically DS's days go like this: He goes to school, comes home and gets some food, goes out with friends, comes home for dinner(sometimes), goes back out with friends, comes home and goes to bed. On weekends its the same minus the school. He does his own laundry and makes his own food if he is not here during mealtimes. That's it. He does not do anything around the house to help out. He does not do any chores besides cleaning his room every couple months. He barely talks to anyone in the house. If we ask him about school or something, we get an attitude and he leaves. Is this typical? We are going to be implimenting a couple of chores soon though.
In a way I feel like we are being used by him. We give him food, shelter, clothes and we get nothing but a mess and attitude in return. Yes, he is our child and we are supposed to provide for him, but he is 18 now. Shouldn't he be doing some things for himself? He is still in high school so in a way I feel like there's nothing we can do. He has no job so he can't pay rent. He has no car or license and doesnt' care about that. His friends take him wherever he wants to go and will buy him stuff.
I'm also a little concerned about possible illegal activity. DS smokes and he knows how I hate that. I think it's disgusting and I HATE the smell when he comes home. Today he was leaving and I asked him where he was going. He said he was going out for a cigarette. I asked him how he had money to pay for those and he said "I always have money for those". I asked him from where and he said "I just do" and walked out the door. Now if his friends were giving them to him he would have just said that, but he stammered with his answer and left because he seemed as if he didn't know what to say. I'm not sure exactly but I read a text from him to some girl a while ago about how he was going to have his own pot plant soon. He has a friend with one I guess according to the text. I'm thinking he might be involved in selling pot but I have no way to prove that. He could have just been BSing the girl thinking it was cool. The text has long since disappeared from the house cell phone.
I feel like there is nothing we can do. We have to just sit here and allow him to do whatever he is doing. I have no proof of illegal things so I cannot call the police to scare him out of it. IMO he is too old for just hanging out with friends all day with no responsibilities. He is doing well in all his classes but I personally think he should be done with high school. All of his girlfriends in the past few years have been 2-3 years younger than him. I think he needs to get away from 15/16 year old high school girls. I don't feel like he learned anything after the recent pregnancy and I am just waiting for it to happen again. If anything, he learned that if the girl has an abortion all his problems will go away.
When I was his age I was already graduated from high school, was working two jobs and going to school three nights a week. I lived with my parents but I paid for all my own things. I expected him to be doing SOMETHING by the time he was 18. He is basicallly just acting like a care-free kid but he should be acting like an adult preparing for his future.
Am I expecting too much by thinking he should be acting more mature? Any advice on what do do with him? And please don't attack me. I did everything I was "supposed" to do when he was little. I read all the books and listened to all the experts but something went wrong along the way.
I've posted here several times about my DS who is 18. The most recent is a few weeks ago when he got a 16 yo girl pregnant. If you did not read the update and are interested, she got an abortion.
Basically DS's days go like this: He goes to school, comes home and gets some food, goes out with friends, comes home for dinner(sometimes), goes back out with friends, comes home and goes to bed. On weekends its the same minus the school. He does his own laundry and makes his own food if he is not here during mealtimes. That's it. He does not do anything around the house to help out. He does not do any chores besides cleaning his room every couple months. He barely talks to anyone in the house. If we ask him about school or something, we get an attitude and he leaves. Is this typical? We are going to be implimenting a couple of chores soon though.
In a way I feel like we are being used by him. We give him food, shelter, clothes and we get nothing but a mess and attitude in return. Yes, he is our child and we are supposed to provide for him, but he is 18 now. Shouldn't he be doing some things for himself? He is still in high school so in a way I feel like there's nothing we can do. He has no job so he can't pay rent. He has no car or license and doesnt' care about that. His friends take him wherever he wants to go and will buy him stuff.
I'm also a little concerned about possible illegal activity. DS smokes and he knows how I hate that. I think it's disgusting and I HATE the smell when he comes home. Today he was leaving and I asked him where he was going. He said he was going out for a cigarette. I asked him how he had money to pay for those and he said "I always have money for those". I asked him from where and he said "I just do" and walked out the door. Now if his friends were giving them to him he would have just said that, but he stammered with his answer and left because he seemed as if he didn't know what to say. I'm not sure exactly but I read a text from him to some girl a while ago about how he was going to have his own pot plant soon. He has a friend with one I guess according to the text. I'm thinking he might be involved in selling pot but I have no way to prove that. He could have just been BSing the girl thinking it was cool. The text has long since disappeared from the house cell phone.
I feel like there is nothing we can do. We have to just sit here and allow him to do whatever he is doing. I have no proof of illegal things so I cannot call the police to scare him out of it. IMO he is too old for just hanging out with friends all day with no responsibilities. He is doing well in all his classes but I personally think he should be done with high school. All of his girlfriends in the past few years have been 2-3 years younger than him. I think he needs to get away from 15/16 year old high school girls. I don't feel like he learned anything after the recent pregnancy and I am just waiting for it to happen again. If anything, he learned that if the girl has an abortion all his problems will go away.
When I was his age I was already graduated from high school, was working two jobs and going to school three nights a week. I lived with my parents but I paid for all my own things. I expected him to be doing SOMETHING by the time he was 18. He is basicallly just acting like a care-free kid but he should be acting like an adult preparing for his future.
Am I expecting too much by thinking he should be acting more mature? Any advice on what do do with him? And please don't attack me. I did everything I was "supposed" to do when he was little. I read all the books and listened to all the experts but something went wrong along the way.
Your expectations are not to high at all.
Here's my advice: Since he's 18, I'll assume he's in his Senior Year In Highschool.
After he graduates, you should do one of the following
Kick Him Out
Or Make him Obey the rules.
No mater the age, he's still a child in your house and he needs to follow the rules Don't try to be to controlling but telling what you expect as I'd consider him "a guest" In your house.
He's 18, the teenage behavior needs to stop. It's time he gets out and gets a job and stop acting as if the everything is going to be handed to him on a silver spoon.
I feel like there is nothing we can do. We have to just sit here and allow him to do whatever he is doing.
1) Sure there is.
2) No you don't.
The problem is you LET him get away with everything he's pulling. Who told you you just had to sit there and allow him to do what he likes?
First thing I'd do is take his bedroom door off its hinges. He gets the mattress, blanket and a pillow if I'm in a generous mood when I'm done with the door. Which is highly unlikely because those things are a you-know-what to take off.
Then I get to see what's in his room and learn all his secrets. Because I'm pulling the drawers out of the dresser and looking under them and in back of them to see if he's got a dime bag taped to them. Anything remotely illegal is put in a Glad bag with all of the leftovers from the week and a can of Campbell's mushroom soup poured over the top. Into the garbage that goes.
When he strolls in about the time I'm leaving him three shirts, pants and under ware and says "What the f*** are you doing?" I'm telling him: "What I should have done when you were two years old. Tell you 'no'."
The thing is, he's been calling the shots because you've let him. You'll have to dig real deep if you want to change things. I take it "we" means your husband? He has to do it too. Think about why you were doing well when you were 18. Was it because of how your parents raised you? Do what they would have done.
If he's brought anything illegal into your home he has to know that you found it and it's n.e.v.e.r. coming back. Ever. You're a "little concerned" about illegal activity? Start being real concerned.
Sorry, but he doesn't respect you. Because he doesn't have to. Start with the dope (because that's the 800 pound high-as-a-kite gorilla in the room) and tell him, "Things have changed, Sweetheart. As of today, I'm not letting you be a world-class screw-up who uses people."
Oh, and take him to Walgreens and stand there with him while he buys condoms. And make sure he's real clear on how they work.
The problem is you LET him get away with everything he's pulling. Who told you you just had to sit there and allow him to do what he likes?
First thing I'd do is take his bedroom door off its hinges. He gets the mattress, blanket and a pillow if I'm in a generous mood when I'm done with the door. Which is highly unlikely because those things are a you-know-what to take off.
Then I get to see what's in his room and learn all his secrets. Because I'm pulling the drawers out of the dresser and looking under them and in back of them to see if he's got a dime bag taped to them. Anything remotely illegal is put in a Glad bag with all of the leftovers from the week and a can of Campbell's mushroom soup poured over the top. Into the garbage that goes.
When he strolls in about the time I'm leaving him three shirts, pants and under ware and says "What the f*** are you doing?" I'm telling him: "What I should have done when you were two years old. Tell you 'no'."
The thing is, he's been calling the shots because you've let him. You'll have to dig real deep if you want to change things. I take it "we" means your husband? He has to do it too. Think about why you were doing well when you were 18. Was it because of how your parents raised you? Do what they would have done.
If he's brought anything illegal into your home he has to know that you found it and it's n.e.v.e.r. coming back. Ever. You're a "little concerned" about illegal activity? Start being real concerned.
Sorry, but he doesn't respect you. Because he doesn't have to. Start with the dope (because that's the 800 pound high-as-a-kite gorilla in the room) and tell him, "Things have changed, Sweetheart. As of today, I'm not letting you be a world-class screw-up who uses people."
Oh, and take him to Walgreens and stand there with him while he buys condoms. And make sure he's real clear on how they work.
But we haven't been. He has no cell phone save for the house cell phone that is for both the kids to take when they go somewhere. He has no computer. He has no car. We don't pay for anything for him except for food that we buy and the house we live in. We don't take him anywhere. If he wants to go somewhere he needs to find his own way. I've been telling him for YEARS that I will not pay for his things once he turns 18 and now that he is 18, I don't. I was the way I was at 18 because I WANTED to do something with my life. He has no desire to change the way things are. He likes doing nothing but having fun, but who wouldn't. As long as he's in high school I cannot kick him out or charge him rent. He will not be graduating this spring. He will have another semester next fall before he's done.
Are you sure you can't kick him out or charge him rent? Is it a state law or is it your own personal feelings on the issue? If he figures out that you're waiting until he graduates to kick him out, he may decide to screw up in school so he's at home longer.
I had a job when I was in high school. Didn't you? There's no reason he can't have a job. It doesn't sound like he's doing a lot of studying between the hanging out with friends and hanging out with friends, so he could use some of that free time for a job. Or just work on the weekends. He's 18, it should be a lot easier to find a job than it would be for a 16 year old.
But we haven't been. He has no cell phone save for the house cell phone that is for both the kids to take when they go somewhere. He has no computer. He has no car. We don't pay for anything for him except for food that we buy and the house we live in. We don't take him anywhere. If he wants to go somewhere he needs to find his own way. I've been telling him for YEARS that I will not pay for his things once he turns 18 and now that he is 18, I don't. I was the way I was at 18 because I WANTED to do something with my life. He has no desire to change the way things are. He likes doing nothing but having fun, but who wouldn't. As long as he's in high school I cannot kick him out or charge him rent. He will not be graduating this spring. He will have another semester next fall before he's done.
The thing is that it isn't "stuff" that makes a kid spoiled. It is the absence of any sort of boundaries. You have not had your son operating within any sort of boundaries and that is why he continues to do so.
My son had a computer and cell phone that we paid for when he was a senior in high school. He also had use of our car. However, he had boundaries. He was required to maintain good grades. He was expected to keep his room neat. He was expected to be home for dinner unless he told us in advance. He was expected to clean up the kitchen after dinner. He was required to take out the garbage. He was required to help us maintain the pool. If we even suspected illegal activity we would have considered evicting him once he graduated from high school.
Teaching a child responsibility has very little to do with buying him things.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1
I've posted here several times about my DS who is 18. The most recent is a few weeks ago when he got a 16 yo girl pregnant. If you did not read the update and are interested, she got an abortion.
Basically DS's days go like this: He goes to school, comes home and gets some food, goes out with friends, comes home for dinner(sometimes), goes back out with friends, comes home and goes to bed. On weekends its the same minus the school. He does his own laundry and makes his own food if he is not here during mealtimes. That's it. He does not do anything around the house to help out. He does not do any chores besides cleaning his room every couple months. He barely talks to anyone in the house. If we ask him about school or something, we get an attitude and he leaves. Is this typical? We are going to be implimenting a couple of chores soon though.
In a way I feel like we are being used by him. We give him food, shelter, clothes and we get nothing but a mess and attitude in return. Yes, he is our child and we are supposed to provide for him, but he is 18 now. Shouldn't he be doing some things for himself? He is still in high school so in a way I feel like there's nothing we can do. He has no job so he can't pay rent. He has no car or license and doesnt' care about that. His friends take him wherever he wants to go and will buy him stuff.
I'm also a little concerned about possible illegal activity. DS smokes and he knows how I hate that. I think it's disgusting and I HATE the smell when he comes home. Today he was leaving and I asked him where he was going. He said he was going out for a cigarette. I asked him how he had money to pay for those and he said "I always have money for those". I asked him from where and he said "I just do" and walked out the door. Now if his friends were giving them to him he would have just said that, but he stammered with his answer and left because he seemed as if he didn't know what to say. I'm not sure exactly but I read a text from him to some girl a while ago about how he was going to have his own pot plant soon. He has a friend with one I guess according to the text. I'm thinking he might be involved in selling pot but I have no way to prove that. He could have just been BSing the girl thinking it was cool. The text has long since disappeared from the house cell phone.
I feel like there is nothing we can do. We have to just sit here and allow him to do whatever he is doing. I have no proof of illegal things so I cannot call the police to scare him out of it. IMO he is too old for just hanging out with friends all day with no responsibilities. He is doing well in all his classes but I personally think he should be done with high school. All of his girlfriends in the past few years have been 2-3 years younger than him. I think he needs to get away from 15/16 year old high school girls. I don't feel like he learned anything after the recent pregnancy and I am just waiting for it to happen again. If anything, he learned that if the girl has an abortion all his problems will go away.
When I was his age I was already graduated from high school, was working two jobs and going to school three nights a week. I lived with my parents but I paid for all my own things. I expected him to be doing SOMETHING by the time he was 18. He is basicallly just acting like a care-free kid but he should be acting like an adult preparing for his future.
Am I expecting too much by thinking he should be acting more mature? Any advice on what do do with him? And please don't attack me. I did everything I was "supposed" to do when he was little. I read all the books and listened to all the experts but something went wrong along the way.
No, you are not expecting too much. You are expecting, and receiving too little!
I'm not going to judge you just try to help and point out what is wrong with how he is conducting his life at this point.Most of which you already know.
I think that he is doing what a lot of mid to late teenaged boys will do with no structure and intervention. Hand out with friends and experement either with sex, drugs alcohol or all. You know he is doing the first.
No it's time to put the brakes on.
1. Arrange a consultation with a competent counselor. I am assuming that you want him to go to college, and to make something of himself. If he is having sex with 16 year olds, you are aware that he can be prosecuted for statutory rape right? Is he aware of it?
2. The likely hood that he will remain sexually active is high. Tell him, at the counselor's office that you have expectations of him. College or the military. But getting a minor pregnant is not one of them.
Tel him that he must use contraceptives if he is involved with a girl. Express your disapproval of these "hook ups" because that's all they are. If he has an 18 yr, old girlfriend, you should know her.
Tell him how you feel about random promiscuity.
3. He has WAAAAAYYYY to much time on his hands! In addition to High School he should have a part time job.
4. He lives in your house and is a member of your family. He should be home each weeknight for dinner, not go out after dinner unless it's a school function or a job, and spend time studying.
5. Make plans for him to GO AWAY after graduation. Have him take the ACT or SAT now. If he continues to hang out with these friends, he will get some girl pregnant and ruin his life.
This will be an ON GOING FIGHT requiring energy from you, and intermittent redirection. I know. Been there done this.
My son is eighteen and a Freshman at a good college. I insisted that he leave the area because I know the type that hangs around the area after graduation and nothing good comes of that.
Don't fret about his age in HS. I graduated at 16, my son at 18.
While living home he was required to do the things I mentioned. Senior year was devoted to SAT preparation, college visits, school activities - not hanging out with his friends. Left to his own devices I have no doubt that's what he's do.
Also, what extracurricular activities or sports is he involved with? I have mine chose at least two.
Also, here's a little hint. Do his wash. You might learn a lot.
DM if you need additional help. I am o your side - and your son's.
mamon1, this looks like your third different post about your son.
Momma_bear took the words out of my mouth, your son has no boundaries. Nor has he any sense of respect for you or likely himself which is why you've not been able to teach him any sense of responsibility as you asked this board a couple of months ago.
He is eighteen and in high school, you can send him to job corps. Fill out the paperwork now. He can finsih high school there. You can start discussing with him his plans for June...like where is he going to live. He has several months to start looking for a job.
Parents let ungrateful kids rule the roost. Time to let him know he does not run the show. Outline some options for him, military, job corps, job...get the paperwork and fill it out for him. The thing is, he does not think you will kick him out...he thinks he is in control. So....decide a course of action, and stay resolved. Tell him he is an adult...
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