Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
I don't know that I consciously made the choice to not have children, but the choice was made. I married late in life and my husband has made it pretty clear that he doesn't really want children. Although I really think he'd be a great father and would probably "come around" to it. He's often non-committal about that kind of stuff then he realizes how great it was and changes his mind.
Anyway, I guess there's still the option of adopting if we should decide to do that but I really doubt that will happen.
And yes, I do have pangs of regret. I was not a big lover of kids until the last 10-15 years (I'm 49). I have a 5 year old nephew that REALLY got into my heart and I love that child like I have never loved a child before.
I think, for me, I worry about what will happen as my husband and I grow old. My husband really has no family (he is an only child and both parents are deceased). He is a bit like you, Wordsmith, in that he's kind of a loner/dreamer - not especially social. What happens if I die first? Who will he have to be family with? I worry about him so much...and him being alone.
For me, I like the idea of having a child to be a part of our lives, to experience new (and old) things in life with...
In the end, we are ultimately happy without children and there would be a lot of sacrifices to have a child. Yes, there is some regret, but it's not overwhelming.
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
I'm interested in why you chose to phrase the two questions differently? From parents you asked only about the negatives of their decision and for non-parents you asked why they chose what they chose and if they had regrets. Couldn't you have asked the same from both? That alone tells me something.
I opted out because I have never, ever felt any kind of "mothering instinct." Nurturing, yes. Mothering, no. I knew when I was a little girl I wasn't going to be a mother. Or rather, I knew from the moment I was cognizant of "what you want to do/be when you grow up" that being a mother was never one of those ideas. It never entered into my mind. When I grew up and became an adult, it was time to start thinking about this topic, and I realized nothing had changed. I was mostly ambivalent. In other words, I just flat out didn't care about the concept of motherhood. By the time I got married at age 30, to a man who had the same ambivalence about fatherhood, I was content with my decision. So is my husband. We're 53 and 55 respectively and still satisfied with our decision.
Once in awhile when I see a newborn, I get the urge to cuddle it. When I see little girls with long hair I get the occasional urge to braid their hair. But other than that - not much. I have more affection for my cat than I think I'd ever have for another human being, and I'm satisfied with that.
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
First of all, why do you want to have kids? This is a serious question. So many people bring children into this awful world, when those kids had no say. It's the single-most selfish act anyone can do.
Then ask yourself, why do you want a girl? Do you want unconditional love or something? Don't have a kid for that reason. Besides, it might be a boy, and then what?
I have two kids, but they are my husband's, and I adopted them. But back then the world was a lot different. People weren't killing each other every day, taking guns to school, bullying, etc., it didn'y happen.
I just don't get why anyone would bring a child into this world the way it is now. Chances are your kid is going to have some kind of "syndrome", and/or they'll be bullied, or they might get shot by a crazy person, won't be able to get a job after spending thousands on college, etc.
Good and bad to both. I will give you an honest assessment. I've been married for 22 years and have 4 kids. Although I was a confirmed bachelor by the time I was 33, I ended up having a kid and have made a go of it ever since.
Reality: Having more than two is exponentially harder. It's not linear in its difficulties. You end up playing "zone" versus man on man to keep things in check. It's expensive and at times overtly painful. No matter, if you are somewhat of a decent person you will do the right thing always.
I was having the time of my life being single and can't say that I don't miss it sometimes. Almost all hobbies were gone within 5 years of marriage and the kids do indeed become the focal point of your universe.
And yet, I would never ever give up on my kids. I have sacrificed so much I can't even count anymore. It puts a considerable strain on a marriage as well for both spouses. Not easy on her or me at any given time. You just do the best you can and keep pushing the rope uphill.
If you have ANY doubts, do not do it. It's a lifetime commitment no matter what any divorcee or single person will tell you. Once they are here, YOU are indeed responsible for their well-being well into their 20's. The time does fly but, the amount of work necessary for a successful outcome consumes you.
In the end, you pick your head up and they are grown. It's really that fast. If you have the temperament for it and a really, really, really, really, really, really great spouse, you have a shot. If not? I'd say skip it. It's perfectly okay to be single. You can always adopt if it gets that compelling for you. I wish you and anyone who decides to have kids all the luck and compassion in the world as it is truly one of life's biggest challenges. No two ways about it.
It has it's rewards as they are part of YOUR family and what you do to enrich that is entirely up to all of you but, do NOT go at it like it's a hobby or something you saw in a Norman Rockwell painting. It's not. When they start walking in your bathroom when you are indisposed or have their friends come over unannounced the honeymoon is truly over. And that doesn't take long. The wear and tear you have on your house, cars, and bank accounts is phenomenal so be forewarned.
Tough call. Being single was simple. A lay up. You had the most precious commodity at your disposal; time. Being married with kids is exciting mixed with sheer panic mixed with unique satisfactions. Just realize your life is broadened 10 fold when the kids come and you can't take them back to the store when they don't "fit".
On the other hand, from what I have heard from my friends that are single and my age, it's a miracle anyone is dating. Sounds downright scary anymore. Could be their theatrics but, I don't need their kind of "excitement" (exes showing up unannounced, ugh) at this point in my life....
If you do become a parent, you have to be responsible and see it the whole way through. It's a job you can't quit although quite a few, do. I don't regret it but, I can certainly see why some folks stay single. It's hard enough to take care of yourself let alone kids. Either decision is fine, just don't make this one without some real, real careful planning.
OP, how old are you? Are you married/partnered now?
I ask because I was always on the fence about having kids. Even though I'm the oldest of 3, my sisters and I are so close in age that I don't remember them as babies since I was baby then too. I had never really been around kids, I didn't babysit or anything like that when I was younger.
I really just could not decide about having kids because I could see the pros and cons of each side very clearly. Then my nephew was born and that's what finally pushed me over the edge. We're TTC now.
Of course, I'm older than is ideal for having children (33) and we waited long enough that maybe it won't work out. That would be disappointing, but I don't regret waiting because I just wasn't ready before. I love my childless life right now, but I'm to the point where I am actually kind of bored. If we don't end up having kids I know I'll change something else in my life to keep it interesting; maybe we'll move to another state, maybe I'll start my own business. I don't know what I'll do, but I'll definitely do something.
My point is that if you are younger and haven't been around any babies/children, I can totally understand why you are still on the fence. Once you start seeing kids that your friends/family have it could very well change your feelings and will probably push you into feeling more solidly one way or the other. It did for me, at least.
I recently told a friend of mine that I was on the fence about having kids.
His response: If you choose not to, who's going to take care of you when you get old?
It irks me to no end when people use this as a reason for having kids. Not only does it smack of selfishness, but in no way does having kids ensure you'll be taken care of in your later years. How do you explain all the nursing homes out there saturated with elderly folks?
Good and bad to both. I will give you an honest assessment. I've been married for 22 years and have 4 kids. Although I was a confirmed bachelor by the time I was 33, I ended up having a kid and have made a go of it ever since.
Reality: Having more than two is exponentially harder. It's not linear in its difficulties. You end up playing "zone" versus man on man to keep things in check. It's expensive and at times overtly painful. No matter, if you are somewhat of a decent person you will do the right thing always.
I was having the time of my life being single and can't say that I don't miss it sometimes. Almost all hobbies were gone within 5 years of marriage and the kids do indeed become the focal point of your universe.
And yet, I would never ever give up on my kids. I have sacrificed so much I can't even count anymore. It puts a considerable strain on a marriage as well for both spouses. Not easy on her or me at any given time. You just do the best you can and keep pushing the rope uphill.
If you have ANY doubts, do not do it. It's a lifetime commitment no matter what any divorcee or single person will tell you. Once they are here, YOU are indeed responsible for their well-being well into their 20's. The time does fly but, the amount of work necessary for a successful outcome consumes you.
In the end, you pick your head up and they are grown. It's really that fast. If you have the temperament for it and a really, really, really, really, really, really great spouse, you have a shot. If not? I'd say skip it. It's perfectly okay to be single. You can always adopt if it gets that compelling for you. I wish you and anyone who decides to have kids all the luck and compassion in the world as it is truly one of life's biggest challenges. No two ways about it.
It has it's rewards as they are part of YOUR family and what you do to enrich that is entirely up to all of you but, do NOT go at it like it's a hobby or something you saw in a Norman Rockwell painting. It's not. When they start walking in your bathroom when you are indisposed or have their friends come over unannounced the honeymoon is truly over. And that doesn't take long. The wear and tear you have on your house, cars, and bank accounts is phenomenal so be forewarned.
Tough call. Being single was simple. A lay up. You had the most precious commodity at your disposal; time. Being married with kids is exciting mixed with sheer panic mixed with unique satisfactions. Just realize your life is broadened 10 fold when the kids come and you can't take them back to the store when they don't "fit".
On the other hand, from what I have heard from my friends that are single and my age, it's a miracle anyone is dating. Sounds downright scary anymore. Could be their theatrics but, I don't need their kind of "excitement" (exes showing up unannounced, ugh) at this point in my life....
If you do become a parent, you have to be responsible and see it the whole way through. It's a job you can't quit although quite a few, do. I don't regret it but, I can certainly see why some folks stay single. It's hard enough to take care of yourself let alone kids. Either decision is fine, just don't make this one without some real, real careful planning.
I think this is s really beautiful response that pretty much covers it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
