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What a tough situation. I have a feeling that there is something going on with the kid that has nothing to do with school. The fact that he just wants to sleep tells me that there could very well be depression going on. It's a very typical reaction for someone who is depressed and teens often do have problems with depression. The fact that he lost his father last year likely plays a role in it. If I were to advice the mother I'd tell her to take the boy to a psychiatrist that works with teens and see about possibly putting him on medication if the psychiatrist believes that it is depression. Counseling is great but if there is a chemical imbalance going on you have to fix that first. The suicide rate for teens is pretty high compared to other groups so if it is depression that's something that has to be dealt with.
Of course there is a possibility that there is something going on in school. Is bullying a possibility? Girl trouble? Problems with a teacher? There is a reason, whatever it is.
Is there a truancy officer in the area that could come and get the boy go to school? Tell the mom to check on that.
Gifted kids (in terms of their IQ range) are actually overrepresented among high school dropouts. Your friend is probably correct that she can't compel him, although she could (for example) ship him off to boarding school. The depression idea upthread is a really good one and I think a reasonable kid would respond well to a parent stipulating that they're willing to hold of for a few weeks in pushing the school issue if the kid will go along with a medical and psychological evaluation. Another possibility is that there's bullying going on; a lot of kids are reluctant to come clean about that.
To me this comes down to a basic principle of conflict resolution in child rearing: figure out what your real goal is so that you can figure out what's negotiable and what's not. Most of the time your real goal is not what you're fighting about (at least, not at its root). I can think of a few real goals this kid's parents might have:
The parents' primary concern is that the child won't get into college. They want an assurance that he's not closing academic doors. Might they be OK with the child taking some classes at a local/community college? Might they be OK with finding another high school?
The parents' primary concern is that the child isn't sticking to his obligations. Might they be OK with him taking a year off to work a minimum wage job or an internship with the understanding that he'll either continue his education or get a GED next year?
The parents' primary concern is that the kid is wasting considerable potential. Might they be reassured if the son can come up with a feasible plan for the next few years that will position him as well as finishing high school would?
The parents' primary concern is the child's disobedience. That's a tougher one to solve with a kid this age.
Is he in a different school since his dad passed away? As someone else said, is bullying a possibility? Is there a grandparent close by who may have some type of influence on him?
Sleeping all day is a big red flag. Does he interact w/ anyone other than family when he does get out of bed?
It sounds like a tough situation given the father has passed away. I have a lot of empathy for her. My husband died when our son was little and I remember very well how difficult things were for both my son and myself.
At some point the state will become involved usually by threatening legal action against the mom.
I wish her all the best and hope things work out for everyone involved.
-izzy
This is all great feedback, and I think each of you is right on track with the advice - except for the bullying. He's a nearly 6 foot tall 15 year old and participates in ROTC. he says ROTC is the only thing he does like about school. Bright kid, Depressed at losing his father. Single mom works full time and is an awesome, but I'm sure that's hard work. They live in major city with lots of resources. I think she's just looking for the right resource to get invovled.
Time to kick him out of the house, and see what it's like to live in the real world without education. I would call the cops and tell them I am having a problem with my child missing school. Then I would tell this kid that his laziness isn't going to cut it living under my roof. If you want to still have a roof over your head, you need to either get a job and help pay rent or go to school. If you decide to do neither then you have a week to get your things together and make plans to live somewhere else.
He's 15. In most states parents are legally responsible for 15 year olds.
The fact that you mention that he wants to sleep all day is a red flag for me. If I were her I would have him evaluated for depression. I don't think she will be able to get much traction by just trying to force him to go to school. Does she have access to a social worker who might be able to help her navigate the school truancy issue while she is figuring out what is going on with him?
I don't know how ROTC works in high school, but perhaps whoever is in charge of the program could intervene? Does the program require some kind of academic discipline for him to continue participating?
This is all great feedback, and I think each of you is right on track with the advice - except for the bullying. He's a nearly 6 foot tall 15 year old and participates in ROTC. he says ROTC is the only thing he does like about school. Bright kid, Depressed at losing his father. Single mom works full time and is an awesome, but I'm sure that's hard work. They live in major city with lots of resources. I think she's just looking for the right resource to get invovled.
I agree with the idea of depression. There may also be some self-medicating going on. Our school had a resource officer that would go to kids' homes and drag them into school. I would also speak with the ROTC teacher. Most kids who run into problems benefit greatly from having even just one adult at school who is "on their side." I had a student whose father had died early in the school year. Nothing was ever said to me, until I finally had Mom come in to discuss how poorly her son was doing in class. Apparently, she had called school office months prior to excuse his absence for going to a funeral. From that, mom and son both seemed to assume I knew he had lost his dad. Many students who are not doing well in school, do have a good relationship with their ROTC, PE, or art teachers. Let them know what's going on and see if they can encourage the boy. The other option would be a semester or so of home schooling. My daughter's freshman year, there were 3 different suicides, all kids she knew. She was handling the deaths well, but the drama constantly being stirred up by other students, really took it's toll. We finally put her on a hybrid program - 4 period(academics) done online, with theater and PE done at school.
If he's sleeping all day, there's more going on than school bores him. He enjoys ROTC, then it seems he wants the discipline, I would recommend you talking to his ROTC instructor, see if he can talk to your son, light a fire under him. Also, take away the tv set, the toys in the room, ipod, computer. Don't LET him sleep all day. Get him up at 7am, give him a list of chores to do. Best of luck to you.
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