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You're from my parents generation then (I suppose). You've been lucky because people still had children out of tradition in the early 80s. Most men of that time got their wives pregnant to fulfill the social obligation, not because they wanted the kids.
I think they got married out of social obligation more frequently, i.e. the baby was already on the way. "Shotgun" weddings are more rare now.
You're from my parents generation then (I suppose). You've been lucky because people still had children out of tradition in the early 80s. Most men of that time got their wives pregnant to fulfill the social obligation, not because they wanted the kids.
I'm sorry if you had a bad experience, but I have to wonder where you get to speak for "most men of that time"? Plenty of people who had children in the 80's and prior actually wanted them.
My firstborn was conceived as the result of a one night stand. No point in glossing that over. He was, by his own choice, not involved in our child's upbringing. I didn't "choose" (consciously) him as a father because pregnancy was certainly not my intention... but my son (now 20) is f****ing awesome so there has to be some of that, genetically, that his father deserves credit for. I like to think it is mostly nurture over nature though. Of course. He is brilliant, sensitive, hilariously funny, musically talented, artistically gifted, and just a GREAT guy. Yay.
My second born was planned and I married his father when my 1st born was small. I thought I was doing EVERYTHING RIGHT in "choosing a father" for my firstborns and any future kids. What is that saying about best laid plans? Oh yeah... "of mice and men oft go astray". I met him when my son was 18 months old. We married when he was 4 years old, I thought we took things slow and careful, I really did. I thought I knew everything about him, I thought we had all the "right" discussions. Well we did have the right discussions.. but his answers were just him telling me what I wanted to hear. He seemed like ideal husband/father material. I don't know how he did it but he had me hoodwinked. By the time I came to a full realization of what kind of person I'd married, I had a baby and my firstborn was calling my husband "Daddy" of his own accord.
My main regret is the heartache that my children suffered when we split up. I don't regret the person my second born is and when I look at him I see another WONDERFUL son that is the greatest gift to me... I only have regrets because he suffered as a result of my choice in a father for him. I wanted him to have more than I'd had and I failed in that regard.
Do you regret the choice of father/mother for your kids?
My mother is an outstanding mum, very loving, dedicated and made lots of sacrifices for us. But sometimes I wonder if she regrets having my brother and I because, after all, we are also sons of the man who made her unhappy for 30 years.
Even though we both hate our father, I question if she doesn't see him when she looks at us and regrets having children with him.
Regretting the choice of father and regretting the children are 2 different things.
Sort of. In some ways he is a good father, he adores our daughter and is good at playing with her (although he wasn't for the first 14 months, he barely did anything but when he had to look after her by himself while I was in the hospital he learnt how great it is spending time with her) but he put us through hell with the custody battle after we broke up (refusing to return her after visitation and accusing me of child abuse so she had to go to the hospital and have all sorts of tests done )and our daughter seemed to be pretty stressed at that time, stopped eating and drinking properly, sleeping issues got really bad, she seems to be over it now though but he really was not thinking of what was best for her at that time.
Do you regret the choice of father/mother for your kids?
My mother is an outstanding mum, very loving, dedicated and made lots of sacrifices for us. But sometimes I wonder if she regrets having my brother and I because, after all, we are also sons of the man who made her unhappy for 30 years.
Even though we both hate our father, I question if she doesn't see him when she looks at us and regrets having children with him.
That's too much of a hypothetical question really.
No one can go back in time and undo the past. And at the time you were about to do something, it seemed like the best thing to do, even a very good thing to do. So we do them, and later it turns out that things aren't right but there is no point really in regretting something like that.
Kids would wonder if a parent had it to over if they would exist -- but back when certain events took place, the parent did not know the future and so they would likely have done it the same way.
The way a lot of parents resolve this to themselves is that if they had it to do over AND knew what they know now including knowing the kids they know now, they'd do it all over again, but that's with the two pieces of hind-sight. If they thought they could have had the same kids with a better spouse, then they'd pick the better spouse but most people think it wouldn't be the same kids.
If you had to do it over again, but you knew this piece and this other piece, then what. All the same it's just hypothetical because the past is the past, you don't know the future, and you can only guess and do your best with the here and now.
If a parent regrets the choice in father, it's HER choice she regrets, NOT the child. I don't think I could have chosen a worse person to have a baby with, and I don't regret one thing about her. In fact, having her reminds me of the good things about him, not the bad things.
That what she usually says when she talks about the marriage. Still, both my brother and I are the splitting image of our father and I don't know how she feels about it.
Is your Mom generally a loving, well adjusted person? Is she bitter about life, or happy? Because if she's not generally bitter I really don't think she looks at you and has bad feelings. It makes me sad that you think about that!
My sister's ex was bad. And it was a terrible divorce. But after several years she really doesn't even have any bad feelings towards him. She never looks at the kids and has any bad memories and thoughts. And the younger one is like him in many ways. (his most annoying traits are all my sister's lol)
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He is brilliant, sensitive, hilariously funny, musically talented, artistically gifted, and just a GREAT guy. Yay. 
