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Wow! This was my first time posting on this forum and I got so many great responses. Thank you all for sharing your time and insight. I will start family counseling with him when he gets back from Seattle. I need him to be somewhere where someone's home all the time until I'm on vacation from work.
The sexual experimentation with this boy just happened about 2 weeks ago. They're the same age. I spoke with my son about it. He admitted to it. He says it was just experimenting and that this was the only time it happened. Of course he wouldn't say otherwise so I'm not sure. I know he was experimenting with sex with a girl when he was 13, which I think is ridiculously young, but I didn't know at the time. We have spoken about all aspects of sex (safety, pregnancy, consent, etc.) and he knows that I would never reject him no matter what his sexuality is.
In answer to another question - I have lots of addiction in my family. My sister was a heroin addict for many years. My father's an alcoholic along with other family members and various drugs/alcohol. I smoked pot when I was 14 and never thought it was a big deal. I don't think it ruined my life and it never became a problem for me and I never went on to hard drugs. My fear with my son is that he wants to smoke every day, he tells me he loves to be high, he does not want to stop, he just wishes I'd be cool with it so he could come home high and enjoy his high. He lies. He spends my money on pot. He doesn't comply with his responsibilities. I'm afraid because he likes it too much and seems to aspire to be a pothead. He does have and always has had older friends. He skates (aggressive inline skates) and most of the kids at the skatepark are potheads - nice kids, but potheads.
I am worried that something is going on that he wants to cover up with drugs. His father went to jail when he was 3 and was deported so there's an issue there. I always gave my son everything (within reason) to make up for the terrible choice I made in husband. I'm also easygoing and trusting by nature and expected my son to be trustworthy.
This sounds so familiar to me (ahem) and while pot isn't addictive, it totally is a gateway drug. Do not think it will stop with pot. I ended up in 30-day inpatient rehab at age 32 for prescription painkillers and alcohol after starting with pot at age 13. Still in recovery, one day at a time, God willing.
Not to sidetrack and turn this into a drug discussion, but this part bothered me. It is not a gateway drug for everyone. Yes, it was for you, but i smoked off and on since a teenager, more for pleasure than addiction. I've never done more than that. I drink maybe 3-4 times a year (never drunk, usually 1 or 2 drinks at a time), nor have i ever done painkillers.
Yet, i have a friend who went from pot to hardcore drugs and died. It is not the drug that caused him, he was a troubled soul. I know MANY people who have occasionally smoked and have never done other drugs or became alcoholics. If you're predispositioned to have addictions, then its going to happen no matter what you started with.
I've also never been arrested, received a speeding ticket, or anything, so take it for what its worth.
Not to sidetrack and turn this into a drug discussion, but this part bothered me. It is not a gateway drug for everyone.
True. I agree. Most Americans have, I believe, smoked pot at some time in their lives. Most of us do not go on to use hardcore drugs. But most, if not all, drug addicts start with pot so everyone who knows an addict knows someone who started with pot and went on to use hard drugs. It might not be a causal relationship though. My daughter's in college and almost everyone (except her) smokes pot. These are kids who, presumably, are on the right track. That said, I don't want to just accept that my son's going to be a pothead at 14. He's also doing horribly in school and not fulfilling his responsibilities so there are more worries besides the pot. Seeing him come home high every day doesn't help!
Exactly right, bronxmom and rezfreak. I misspoke by implying it's a gateway drug for everyone; it's not. But for those so inclined, it totally is. And from what you're saying, bronxmom, the history is there in your family. Getting high every day - even with just pot - is an addict's M.O.
Around 14, for both boys and girls, is the 'homosexual' stage/phase. This is not abnormal. But not every child puts his/her feelings and daydreams into action. If he experiments with younger children, he could get into a lot of trouble. So I agree with Thethreefoldme -- get him some counseling and go with him. The therapist will more than likely see him alone, you alone, and you and your son together throughout counseling. And he needs to know that you won't be at every single session with him, and he, you and the therapist need to clearly set out when what your son says in private to the therapist has to be relayed to you. This young man has to know the guidelines and needs to be able to trust that they -- and he -- won't be violated.
My son is 14. We've always been very close and he's sweet and affectionate still. I've caught him smoking weed a bunch of times and have made it clear that I don't want him doing that. I've taken everything away from him - tv, video games, computer, phone. He doesn't seem to care. It's getting worse. Like now he's lying to me, using money I leave him to buy food to buy weed. And when I talk to him it's like it doesn't phase him. So yesterday my husband took him to a movie and I hacked into his Facebook. I know that's maybe unethical, but I can't get anything out of him and I'm worried. So basically it's worse than what I thought. He's smoking all the time, not going to classes, lying to me, telling kids when I'm not going to be home etc. But beyond that, I found a really disturbing message about him messing around with another guy. I am not homophobic - I really wouldn't be upset if my son was gay, but I'm pretty sure he's not. He said that he was just bi-curious but that he way prefers girls (this was in a conversation with a girl friend of his). I know that boys sometimes play around with other boys, but I thought that was at a younger age. So I'm worried for a few reasons. I live in the Bronx in a pretty rough neighborhood. I always thought that wouldn't matter as long as I was close to my son and steered him in the right direction. Now I'm worrying that I made a huge mistake in moving here because even though he was experimenting with weed (and sex) before I moved here, it's gotten much worse. (I love my house and the price was great! Plus I know 2 other teachers who live on my block - it didn't seem that bad. But my son chooses to hang out with the worst kids.) I am sending my son to stay with my brother in a suburb of Seattle for 2 months and taking him out of school because I need him to get away from here at least until I am on summer vacation. I am a teacher and do afterschool so I get home late and he has too much free time. Any thoughts or suggestions? I am very upset.
You can send him to China and he is still going to find the "wrong" group of people to hang out with. He is 14, addicted to pot and that will only escalate if you do not immediately get him into some sort of rehab program that is probably going to be involuntary on his part. The good news is that he is a minor and has no legal say about that.
I get from your posts that you would be ok with his smoking pot if he did it only casually and was not experimenting with boys and his grades were good. I don't know if this is how you really feel but your posts are coming off kind of lacksadaisical about pot use as if you are not dead set against it. If that is true and he knows that you smoked pot at his age, he may be picking up that it's no big deal from you. That's what I'm picking up - that if he was more casual and kept up his grades, it wouldn't really be as much of a problem. Just pointing this out bc he could be picking up this vibe from you also.
If so, it may be a bit harder for him to see why he should stop. Afterall, you are his hero and his idol.
Then you mentioned that you KNOW that the kids that he hangs out with (the skaters) are potheads???!!!!!
SO WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM HANG OUT WITH POTHEADS? I'm baffled. Are you surprised he is smoking pot now?
One poster said it and I wanted to echo the sentiment. It seems to me that your son needs a bit more supervision from you. It seems that you could stop him from hanging out with the potheads, get him into rehab (since he has such a strong desire to be high all the time) and pull together resources so that either he is with you or some other supervised activity (like a school activity). You should also call the school throughout the day and make sure he is making it to his individual classes. Goodness knows what he could be getting into if he is not. Finally, I know you do the afterschool program but is there anyone that can take over that for you? Your son is on drugs and experimenting sexually. He needs you.
Even if this means leaving the house and your girlfriends down the street. I know a couple that bought a dream home in a city and their son started getting mixed up in a lot of real bad stuff in this small town - including drugs. They left the house and moved to an apartment in another city. The boy is doing much better without that influence. Do whatever is going to be best for you and your son.
Brings me to my final point. If someone wants to stay high all the time and has started experimenting sexually, I'd seriously wonder if something has recently happened to him that he is trying to cope with.
I'd also wonder if he's suffering from some sort of depression or other mental illness that is causing him to start to act out of character. I will not name any illnesses bc that would just worry you more but suffice it to say that there are some illnesses that start around this age and drug use and out of character behavior can sometimes go along with it. In some cases, the person is staying high to self-medicate to deal with the weirdness that he/she may not understand. Sexual experimentation and other behaviors that could be considered risky behaviors can also accompany. My point is to have him talk to a mental health professional too - not just a drug counselor.
Really, however, sitting counseling and all the fancy stuff aside, I think he just needs you to monitor him a bit more closely than what you have been doing and to stop letting him hang out with kids who are major potheads unless you want him to be a major pothead.... I'm just using my common sense on that one. Perhaps there is no relation. I do not know. Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronxmom
Wow! This was my first time posting on this forum and I got so many great responses. Thank you all for sharing your time and insight. I will start family counseling with him when he gets back from Seattle. I need him to be somewhere where someone's home all the time until I'm on vacation from work.
The sexual experimentation with this boy just happened about 2 weeks ago. They're the same age. I spoke with my son about it. He admitted to it. He says it was just experimenting and that this was the only time it happened. Of course he wouldn't say otherwise so I'm not sure. I know he was experimenting with sex with a girl when he was 13, which I think is ridiculously young, but I didn't know at the time. We have spoken about all aspects of sex (safety, pregnancy, consent, etc.) and he knows that I would never reject him no matter what his sexuality is.
In answer to another question - I have lots of addiction in my family. My sister was a heroin addict for many years. My father's an alcoholic along with other family members and various drugs/alcohol. I smoked pot when I was 14 and never thought it was a big deal. I don't think it ruined my life and it never became a problem for me and I never went on to hard drugs. My fear with my son is that he wants to smoke every day, he tells me he loves to be high, he does not want to stop, he just wishes I'd be cool with it so he could come home high and enjoy his high. He lies. He spends my money on pot. He doesn't comply with his responsibilities. I'm afraid because he likes it too much and seems to aspire to be a pothead. He does have and always has had older friends. He skates (aggressive inline skates) and most of the kids at the skatepark are potheads - nice kids, but potheads.
I am worried that something is going on that he wants to cover up with drugs. His father went to jail when he was 3 and was deported so there's an issue there. I always gave my son everything (within reason) to make up for the terrible choice I made in husband. I'm also easygoing and trusting by nature and expected my son to be trustworthy.
You said that you have taken everything from him, but obviously he is keeping up on his Facebook account. Don't give him money for food, have him make himself a lunch the night before. Don't give him an inch, no electronics, no money, no time out of the house where he can do whatever he wants. If you can afford it I would get therapy, both for him and family therapy as well.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be worried sick. I'm not a parent but I like other posters I also used drugs and got into a lot of trouble in my teens so it's a topic I know a few things about.
I wish there was a set "treatment" for these kinds of problems that you just had to follow and the kid would be fixed but sadly there isn't. Every kid and every situation is so different that what worked wonders with one kid may be useless or even destructive for another. It's an extremely difficult problem to fix and you just have to roll with the punches sometimes.
So far think you're doing the right thing by sending your son to his uncle to get out of the area. Having negative friends around is a huge hurdle to improvement. I strongly disagree with the posters who argue that he should be sent to rehab. At this stage and age the risk that it would be useless and even destructive is too high and the success rate too low. At this point smoking pot, cutting class and hanging around with the boys is just mighty fun. He doesn't have any reason to want to quit yet and because of that a trip to rehab is likely to just become a place where he can meet other kids just like him and get some useful phone numbers from when he gets out. The force that would be involved could also just make him feel unfairly treated leading to even more defiance and escalation of his pot-head career. Another reason against rehab is that he is most likely not an addict so you'd be treating the wrong problem.
Contrary to popular belief not all use of illicit drugs equal addiction just like use of alcohol doesn't mean you're an alcoholic.
This appears to be a kid acting out and being rebellious and that, and the cause of it, is what you need to work on. finding him a good therapist that he likes and respects (this is super important) is a good start. Family therapy is also a very good idea. In many cases where a kid is self destructive there is a lot of hurt underneath and I bet there is here too. He has a dad who doesn't care about him and a mom who isn't home enough so he goes looking for attention and belonging elsewhere. These issues have to be sorted out.
Another thing I'm a huge believer of is finding a good alternative to the pot smoking and trouble making. Something that is fun and that he likes to do. Something that can occupy his time and his mind and something he can look forward too. He won't give up pot and hanging out if he doesn't have something that is at least almost as fun and interesting. It can be anything. Get him involved in martial arts, music/rap, riding dirt bikes or whatever else 14-year old boys like and isn't "nerdy".
The whole point is to make him see that life can be fun without pot and hopefully make him want to quit or at least be willing to make an effort. Because as long as he doesn't want to change it won't get better. Getting him to want it is the crux. I have to say though that that will can change quickly when presented with temptation so I think it would be a huge mistake to bring him back to your neighborhood any time soon.
Steel goes through a fire to come out useful too. Sucks for the steel! Pretty sure it would suck for the steel's parents if it had them.
Looking at my tea leaves, I'm going to guess that you are going to come to the end of this fine and you son a stronger man for it. You have a good head on your shoulders. Your love for your son and that good head will get you through. Day by day.
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