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This is horrible advice. You can not mold your children's lives into one where they will never make mistakes or have regrets. Kids will never learn to cope in the real world if they live in a false one where everything is rainbows and unicorns. Kids NEED mistakes and need to make bad decisions every once in awhile. It is a part of growing up.
20yrs, at a point in their lives, you have to let your kids grow up and a part of growing up is having relationships with people of the opposite (or same) sex. They need to have that time to learn how to have mature, respectful relationships with one another. Banning them from ever forming relationships with other people is NOT healthy.
As far as OPs situation, it is awful that the parents of gf are trying to put you guys in the middle. How old is the girl? This should be something the girl should be discussing with your son and not you guys breaking the news to him.
They do not ban then from having relationships. They have relationships.
My philosophy is that if you teach children how to conduct themselves properly you don't have lots of "mistakes and bad decisions" to deal with. Certainly, you don't have to worry about charming things like STDs and teen pregnancy, which more permissive parents seem to have to deal with on a daily basis. At least that has been my observation.
It's called parenting. One may not be able to control one's child's sense of hurt after a breakup, but sure as hell can teach him or her what the appropriate responses are.
The entire purpose of parenting is to deliver a mature, responsible, and self-sustaining person to the cusp of adulthood. A person who cannot control his behavior cannot be called an adult, and the people who raised him cannot be called parents.
You do realize that you just said pretty much exactly the same thing: that one can control actions but not emotions. It is impossible to control another persons emotions.
They do not ban then from having relationships. They have relationships.
My philosophy is that if you teach children how to conduct themselves properly you don't have lots of "mistakes and bad decisions" to deal with. Certainly, you don't have to worry about charming things like STDs and teen pregnancy, which more permissive parents seem to have to deal with on a daily basis. At least that has been my observation.
20yrsinBranson
Then you have been observing a very limited sample.
Plenty of "good girls and boys" get STDs and pregnant.
Because you do not give them the opportunity to make mistakes that they will regret later. You structure their activities to coincide with your values and ideals which does not include a lot of contact with the opposite sex and NEVER unsupervised by an adult (preferably a parent).
You might not believe this Momma_bear, but not everybody in the universe let's their children behave like little animals, doing whatever they feel like doing, whenever they feel like doing it. Some of the people I know did not allow their children to date *ever* without being supervised by an adult (or preferably a parent). Those children are now grown and married and living a very happy life.
We have been brainwashed by popular culture and the media to believe that living immoral lives devoid of values and integrity is OK. We'll it's not. If people raised their children better, there wouldn't be so much pain and suffering and misery in the world.
20yrsinBranson
Who said we should all let our kids live immoral lives? Can you not see any middle ground here? You keep going back and forth between teens and adult college students. Which is it? Not allowing a teen to date unsupervised is one thing. Not allowing an adult college student to date at all is another.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
It's called parenting. One may not be able to control one's child's sense of hurt after a breakup, but sure as hell can teach him or her what the appropriate responses are.
The entire purpose of parenting is to deliver a mature, responsible, and self-sustaining person to the cusp of adulthood. A person who cannot control his behavior cannot be called an adult, and the people who raised him cannot be called parents.
You said it is possible to control a child's emotions earlier. That doesn't match what you are saying here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
They do not ban then from having relationships. They have relationships.
My philosophy is that if you teach children how to conduct themselves properly you don't have lots of "mistakes and bad decisions" to deal with. Certainly, you don't have to worry about charming things like STDs and teen pregnancy, which more permissive parents seem to have to deal with on a daily basis. At least that has been my observation.
20yrsinBranson
How is teaching kids to conduct themselves properly controlling their emotions? You said earlier you wouldn't allow a college student date. You seem to be back pedaling now.
No very rounded or capable of human connection. I would not choose to raise an automaton whose only capacity was for study. Interpersonal relationships are the bread and butter of life, far more so than work and academics. Being stilted there is far more damaging. Not to mention that most people can handle a personal life and school at the same time with little effort.
*snore*
Teenage dating is generally drama, angst, and a waste of time.
No one is stilted by not having some teenie bop boyfriend.
Stop the "OMG! How ever will you relate to other human beings iffen you don't tongue kiss at least five boys before you are 17!?!???! You will have the social skills of an autistic yellow ring tailed lemur! The tragedy!!!!! The horror!!!" drama.
It is a crock of ****.
Plenty of "good girls and boys" get STDs and pregnant.
By definition, that would be impossible.
My group in high school were the good kids.
Honors. Athletics. Band. Orchestra. AP everything.
No sex. No drugs. No booze. Not even a cig!
None of us were particularly religious.
All of us, boys and girls, had strict, involved parents.
All of us are successful professionals (from doctors to college profs to MBAs) who are happily married in our late 30s.
Not even one divorce.
Our spouses were the good kids, too.
So don't let anyone sell you a barge full of garbage about how "all teenagers" do this, that, or the other.
While other teens were drinking and partying, we were swimming, playing ball, going to museums, playing board games, visiting botanical gardens, seeing Shakespeare in the park, etc.
My 16 yr old son (his 17th birthday is tomorrow) has been dating a young lady for about a year now. Her parents did not / do not want her dating until she goes to college. They were (hesitantly) ok with her seeing him occasionally (I also believe that she was lying to them about where she was going to see him). They have requested meetings with us a couple times to discuss their expectations and rules (we have met with them twice... all I can say is I have never met a more controlling person in my entire life). Basically, what it all boils down to is they decided today that she could not see him anymore. Her father called my husband to tell him... who does that?! Anyway, we have decided to wait until Sunday to tell him because tomorrow is his birthday and he has a sports event tomorrow to go to. It is going to crush him. I am worried that he will do something reckless and either A: get himself in trouble for "harassing" her because he wants to hear it from her directly or B: he will leave the house and hurt himself (I do not think he would be suicidal, but I DO believe that he would be reckless and that may result in him injuring himself accidentally).
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am livid that her parents dumped this on us (but it may be for the better because we can break it to him "gently").
Parenting really sucks sometimes...
I'd tell my son this, at the supper table:
"Your girlfriend's parents called to tell us that they won't allow their daughter to see you anymore. Pass the salt, please."
There really isn't anything more that needs to be said. The girl and your son will, or will not see each other, as they see fit and no amount of forbidding is going to change that. I wouldn't tell him that HE is forbidden from doing any such thing, because YOU are not forbidding anything. HER parents are - and thankfully, HER parents do not have any authority to dictate what YOUR son can and cannot do. As long as your son behaves lawfully, there's nothing they can do about it.
The age of consent in Montana isn't an exact number: it is "within 3 years" of the youngest, assuming the youngest is 16 years old or younger - and even then, once the youngest of the two' age is as low as 14 years, that 3-year rule no longer applies.
So basically - it's an age of non-consent, rather than an age of consent, and it applies specifically to sexual misconduct and NOT to general cordial human interaction.
So really I wouldn't worry too much about this, or even put much emphasis on it. A simple statement that the parents have stated their wishes for their daughter's behavior is all you should feel obligated to tell him. Because really, that's the only thing that's an actual fact anyway.
My group in high school were the good kids.
Honors. Athletics. Band. Orchestra. AP everything.
No sex. No drugs. No booze. Not even a cig!
None of us were particularly religious.
All of us, boys and girls, had strict, involved parents.
All of us are successful professionals (from doctors to college profs to MBAs) who are happily married in our late 30s.
Not even one divorce.
Our spouses were the good kids, too.
So don't let anyone sell you a barge full of garbage about how "all teenagers" do this, that, or the other.
While other teens were drinking and partying, we were swimming, playing ball, going to museums, playing board games, visiting botanical gardens, seeing Shakespeare in the park, etc.
How nice for you!
Perception is not reality. Let's just say our experiences have been different. Nobody's selling me anything.
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Can you not see any middle ground here? You keep going back and forth between teens and adult college students. Which is it? Not allowing a teen to date unsupervised is one thing. Not allowing an adult college student to date at all is another. 
